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Joe's owner died and a neighbor took him in but really didn't want him.  Joe ran away to someone else's house.  They returned Joe and Joe again ran away to their house.  This time they talked to the people and took him in.  They thought it'd be good for me and good for him.  It was hard taking my walks without Arlie, so it's helped me to keep exercising, helped Joe too.  He gets so excited when I come by for him!  I hope it goes okay come Winter.

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We have had so many dogs over the years, mostly sporting dogs, but I don't think we ever had one anywhere near the personality of Bear.  Chows can be quite big and stocky and because of a drunk neighbor coming over to let us know Bear didn't like her dog, and she stuck her leg in between them when they were fighting and got bitten by one of them.  A friend of a friend knew a woman that raised nothing but Chows.  So, since Bear had busted the window (we were to keep him "in jail" for so many days), we took him to her house.  and she called us crying.  Bear would not let her out her back door.  Billy went to get him and he sat his big self right in Billy's lap all the drive home.  He was so happy to have his family back.  Strange wonderful personality.  

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Chows are strange dogs.  Very, very loyal, almost to a fault.  I may be over generalizing, but the only really serious attack I and one of our dogs was in was with one.  It was always chained up and made me nervous passing the house and one day it broke the chain and was determined to kill my dog.  Me too if I got in the way.  I also think when a dog gets chained up it changes its thinking.  They are not getting proper socializing.  Chows are a breed bred for protection, but it’s more the owners I blame.

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On 8/30/2019 at 4:48 PM, Marg M said:

 But, I remember that one moment, minutes of pure joy.  I don't think I will ever see that again and I am resigned to that fact of life and death.  You just keep doing and going until you can't.  

“Because they’d been to the top of the mountain, and they just knew in their heart they’d never get there again, that it was never going to get — never going to be that way ever again."

 

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8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Chows are a breed bred for protection,

I can believe this.  We never would have chained Bear.  He would have broken any chain.  We did not choose him, Kelli brought him in as a tiny puppy.  He would look around at us and turn his back to us, as a puppy.  He never growled at us until they tried to take the raccoon from him.  He was grown by then.  And, he (beyond his tiny puppy years) would not be caged up in a house.  Like I said, we were his people, he was not our pet.  He never left us to roam.  He was our protector always.  Billy had lots of sporting dogs over the years.  The meanest one was a Chesapeake Bay retriever.  He would not let me and Kelli come in the back yard.  Billy gave him to a duck hunter, and then I don't know what happened to him.  But we all loved Bear and his independent nature.  He only needed us as "his people" to protect, and he did that till he died.  There will never be another like him.  

He chased the field of horses, so we would try to slip off without him.  He could not talk, but it was like he knew "sign language|" or maybe Chow language.  We did manage to slip off one time and he saw "strangers" coming back down the road, when we got within eye sight, he quit barking, threw his head back in disgust, turned his back on us and walked away.  We knew Chow language.  Also, there is an operation that needs performed on their eyes because they are irritated all the time.  

Kind of like Billy, some things will never be able to be replaced.  

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Joe is very mellow, very sweet.  I feel we got to know each other much better this weekend, he is opening up to me, showing me more of his personality.  I have not seen any signs of aggression in him.  

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9 hours ago, kayc said:

Joe is very mellow, very sweet.  I feel we got to know each other much better this weekend, he is opening up to me, showing me more of his personality.  I have not seen any signs of aggression in him.  

Perhaps George put Joe in your path to help comfort you and give you solace, since he now has Arlie with him.

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Or maybe Arlie did.  But it's not the same as having your own dog living with you.  I fear growing attached to Joe just to lose him too, I know he can't have a long time left.  But be that as it may, I want to bring joy into his life for whatever time he has.  Dammit it's hard!

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On my way to eye doctor.  I think he will want to schedule me for cataract surgery.  Most people think it is no big deal.  However my brother had retina issues with it.  Even if if he could not change the outcome, it was a world of difference having Al with me.  I just feel so alone.  I guess I just have to try and be strong.

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I had cataract surgery this last summer, Gin, and for what it's worth, it was the easiest surgery I've ever gone through ~ and I've gone through a lot of surgeries in my life! I know you are facing this without your beloved Al by your side, and for that I am so sorry ~ but if you have any questions or want to hear more from me about the experiencec, just let me know. (My vision is better than ever now, and I don't even need to wear my glasses anymore. I couldn't be more pleased with the results, and I'm so glad I had the surgery!)

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Thanks Marty.  Doc said he felt we could wait until I thought my vision held me back from what I like to do.  No emergency.   I do not like driving at night, but I do not want to be out late, anyway.  Thanks again and I might check with you as the time draws near.   Gin

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Gin, I too am frightened, can still wait, (and unfortunately, or fortunately) all my friends have had it done and none of them had any bad results at all.  They, everyone of them, tells it like Marty.  I took Mama for one side and my sister took her for the other.

And, y'all know how I love to read.  So did my grandmother, and little country mouse that she was, she did not know about cataracts.  She  just knew she was not getting to do her beloved reading.  Her words "If I cannot read, I just as well be dead."  We had one city mouse sister (aunt) that took her to have her eyes fixed and she read for many more years.  Young woman cancer, leaving a sponge/instrument in during surgery, sepsis, nervous breakdown before age 30, she lived into a nice old age before another cancer took her out.  But she was still able to read.  

Sometimes we women I think are all ancestors of Wonder Woman, all came from the island of Themyscira, and we were and are all amazonian women and men were used for procreation, then were our slaves. (Ha, well we all miss our slaves don't we?)  Sorry fellows.  

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I was watching Charmed one night and the grandmother was telling the girls that men are to be used when needed and then put away til needed again.  Talk about reverse sexism!   But yes, I, too, miss my 'slave'.  He’d probably get a kick out of hearing that as he always said he lived to please me.  But I felt the same about him.  Perfect balance.

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The only reason I had it done, Gin, was because at my last yearly eye exam I was told that my vision no longer could be corrected with eyeglasses ~ so I felt as if I really had no choice. I was not at all eager to have the surgery ~ and I most certainly did not take it lightly. Frankly, before the first operation I was scared to death. This is my vision, after all! But as I said, after the first eye surgery went so well, I had no fear for the second operation ~ and I am SO glad that I did it. But if you can wait and there is no hurry, then I totally understand why you would choose to wait. That is exactly what I did, too. 

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 I had a cyst removed from my eyeball, it was greatly affecting my vision and causing me continual eye infections, can cause permanent damage to the eye.  This was a couple of years ago, they had me on a Rx that was $425 and the insurance wouldn't cover it (a steroid).  I am SO glad I had it done and wish I'd done it sooner.  My life was miserable before the surgery and eyes are one of the fastest things in the body to heal.  I imagine cataract surgery to be comparable.

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Billy will be gone four years the 17th of October.  Some part of me died with him, just as we all had some part of us die.  I have a redheaded temper, but actually that is a myth, I think.  I've stood on my own in anger before, I can be tough, but actually I had rather hide behind someone, watch someone else's anger, and like my sister said, I was always too easygoing to stand up to my parents.  I never stood up to them, I just left them.  I looked for different ways, we lived in a very small town, no jobs for very many miles, so I got married (and we worked hard at it).  

The other night I got angry at my sister, and really folks, it was not her fault.  She is a victim of circumstances and I expected her, with all her degrees, to be smarter than I am (and book-wise, she beats me to a pulp), but life-wise, she was helpless as a kitten.  My response was a horrible anger, lashing out words that made no sense, jumping in and moving three full closets of heavy clothes into my car and then up a length of stairs three times.  Anger, RED DEVIL anger.  For the past four or five days I have been almost unable to move.  Very slowly.  I am not supposed to lift, I know it, and my already injured knee is hard to walk on.  Inside my head was nothing but mean anger.  I'm afraid I might have to go to the doctor with my knee, it is injured.  I did it.  Only me and horrible (not like me at all) anger.  

I know anger is a stage and I have had some mild anger, but  this was insanity.  My body cannot take pain pills.  It will kill me, my colon cannot take them.  I think this has been building up, but this person was not me.  I do not ever want to see her again.  I'm not against going to a counselor if they don't give me pills.  Anything going through my stomach into my colon can kill me.  I cannot take oral antibiotics.  I am slow, I am cripple, I don't want to go to a doctor.  Really, no matter how I explain myself, they will not listen to me and do whatever they want to.  I even have a typed written explanation I give to a doctor before I use one.  

Can anger be a stage that took this long to show itself?  Insanity?  That is already a given.

Oh yes, and the first thing that doctor will say (believe me, I know), "try to lose about 10 pounds" and folks, it is gonna take more than 10.  I have gained 35 pounds since Billy has been gone, I'm almost 5'1" (not quite), and that low residue diet does not offer anything but carbs (I can have meat if it is easy to chew).  The thing I have to avoid is much fiber.  No raw veggies or cooked either except green beans, potatoes, spinach.  

 

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Marg, I’ve turned into people I don’t even know since losing Steve.  Anger is a biggie as I avoided that as much as possible.  It took a lot to get me so mad I would yell at someone.  I can count the times I have they are so few.  Now I get very stern with people, especially doctors.  I get into situations that I could be ballistic but use a passive aggressive approach which isn’t healthy either.  I miss the more compassionate person I was.  The few times I strayed from that Steve would pull me back.  Help me see how I could cause someone extreme pain I could never take back.  We hurt each other enough to learn how to settle things rationally.  That has been stripped away now and I have to keep a check on it.  My reaction now is to blurt out my uncensored thoughts.  So I apply to the 24 hour rule to cover my ass and it works.  I’m not used to having to do this.  I miss.......me.  I miss him to rant to and have suggest different approaches.  I miss him looking to me for advice in emotional situations.  

Lets face it......losing them was.losing so much more than we ever could imagine.  I relish the couple of times I got to be this new me and fully release that anger as the person needed to vanish from my existence.  Other times it’s just so exhausting putting together ways to be kind.  And then there is the anger I am not kind anymore as a natural state.  Only for  people I really care about, but others deserve that too.  This life without love takes away that human connection in so many ways.  I felt good the other day as I saw a woman with a gorgeous cut of her long gray hair and told her.  She was so thrilled.  A rememberence of the former me.  I try and do that to be connected even if it is for a very short time.

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I learned right after he left that screaming into a  pillow only hurt my head.  I will not jump on, yell at, or otherwise attack a family member.  I'm not yet sure what the surge of adrenaline anger did to my body, but sometimes you hear that "you don't hurt anyone but yourself" and I did hurt my sister's feelings, she could not help it, the moving part had to be completely on her elderly also shoulders.  I'm so sorry I did that.  I hurt her feelings and I physically hurt myself.  Good enough for me.  I remember begging her to get a partner of either sex for companionship, and really, some people do not want that.  I had it.  I lost it.  I do not want a substitute.  There is no substitute, but she chose to be alone, I didn't.  She is not alone, she has me, and perhaps the weight of that weighed as much as the items I carried.  

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Marg,

I can understand your anger building as it seems the whole family depends on you and the weight of all that on your shoulders, well it builds.  You need and miss just for once being able to lean on someone else...that someone was Billy.  For all of us, it was our husband and it gets old having to be the one all the time that makes decisions, figures everything out and pays for it...just once it'd be nice to have someone to lean on.

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Kelli washes, dries and folds all our  clothes.  (And with her being sick too).  Her bipolar seems to make her manic when she feels the worse.  She is through with her radiation and has to continue the immunotherapy.  They gave her some topical steroid (she will have a seizure with IM steroid.  Her home doc was really tee'd off cause she is just plain allergic to any steroids.  She has so many medication allergies I honestly thought she was "putting on" but then they gave her an antibiotic shot in the hospital and those hives she broke out with were not "all in her mind."  They were very real.  Anyhow, Scott took Brianna to see "It-2" and I'm alone.  I can hear that donkey in Shrek saying "I'm all alone."  Got some ice packs for my knee, got two soap opera's recorded, and I am just fixing to sit back.  

I do get angry, I'm human, but that anger that came toward my sister was not human, it was a demon."  I hate that, but just like always, and lots of folks don't believe in this stuff, but I think God is punishing me.  I know, my pastor said God was not a punishing God, but my old fashioned missionary, fire and brimstone pastors said he was.  So, I'm paying for my anger and it hurts much worse  than my dad used to whip me.  I know, I know, most people don't believe in that.  I think I help punish myself.  

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Internal pain does hurt worse than physical.  :(

 

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I'm on the cataract Calendar now(within two years).....from what I have been told is the same as what Marty has stated......They give you a pre list and it tells you need a drive home.......Part of the age "Journey"

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Me too although they haven't said when, they're still keeping an eye on it.

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Please keep our big dog, Tatum, in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow, if you will. She is having surgery for a torn ACL. This is her second go around. Three years ago, her left rear leg needed this surgery. Tomorrow, it is her right rear leg. No problems expected, but she is a bit older and a bit heavier now. Recovery is long and tedious(several months), especially as she is a rambunctious dog to begin with. It has been a challenge this last month as we waited to see if it might heal on it'' own, but no go. She can't run or jump or lay on the kitchen floor. My house looks like a Pokemon maze with baby gates and card tables cordoning off room and separating dogs.  Such is life.

Kay, I'm so sorry that happened with Joe. His picture shows such a friendly dog. Was he just having a crappy day? There are days here where Tatum growls 24/7 at Marley for no known reason and the next day everything is fine.

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