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If You're Going Through Hell


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Just found out today that my 47 yr. old son has congestive heart failure.  Can not get any details.   Do not know if it is mild or severe.  Not even sure where he is...USA or Mexico.  He texted my daughter.  Said he had problems breathing.  She told him that he had to get care today.  Did he?  Who knows.   There are a lot of heart problems in the family.  He is carrying a lot of extra fluid.

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My mom did not get "mean" until about 12 years into the marriage.  She had a memory that could quote Shakespeare plays, poets, Joyce Kilmer, (I thought Alfred Lord Tennyson's verses came from the Bible), all the fairy tales and I have found them on Google, even the "I want my toe" one.  Made me not eat turnip greens for years.  (Southern staple) mixed with poke salad (sallet), which is poisonous.  I guess you have  to fix it just right, never killed us.  Anyhow, this was before TV and my mom could tell so many fairy tales, read me so many children's books, and gave me the most exquisite imagination a kid could have.  I had my own crawfish pond.  I had plum thickets on my granddaddy's land and one year, inside the little clearings in the thickets a bed of violets was covering the ground.  A kid is not afraid of ticks or snakes so that was a beautiful bed for a kid to play on.  When Billy left, all the magic left too.  I don't think I will ever get it back, but I have enough country memories to last a lifetime.  Going up highway 159 for about 40 miles there are no towns, some stop signs crossing highways, but this year I saw all the crab apple trees white/pink  blooms, the pear trees white flowers and the whole road, all the way up on both sides is scattered with daffodils (and I'm sure that is not the proper name for all of them), but the tulip trees are losing their petals, next the wisteria will be hanging from all the trees, mixed in with the white ones are the lilac colored and purple ones, hanging like moss from the trees.  It took me a long time to see this beauty after Billy left, and I would love them even more if he was with me.  I've come a long way, but will never out live the sadness, in spite of the beauty.

I'm sorry Gin.  I just read about your son.  Please let us know when you hear something.  We never quit worrying about our children.

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Gin, I am so sorry!  My friend Jim was at death's door, twice, with CHF.  First time he wasn't aware he had it, just couldn't breathe, move, he was at 30% then.  Now he's at about 70-80% with treatment.  It scared me to death, I didn't want to lose him.  I can't imagine how hard this is to carry without further details or updates.  If he reaches the point Jim did, I'm sure he'll get to the hospital, wherever he is, asap.  They can do so much nowadays, it's amazing.  He has learned to live with his, not fun, but fortunately has the will to live.  It's manageable.  He's in my prayers, along with his Mama!

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Kay, we have a lot of medically associated members of our "kith and kin" and the story you told on "Jim" has happened so much.  My cousin, who is a year older than I am) gave up his driver's license, sold his camp on the bass lake in Texas and settled in his chair waiting for the grim reaper.  His mom and dad passed away very close to each other in the nursing home with Alzheimer's.  So, this magnificent specimen of the elder generation gave up all of his efforts for exercise.  Thankfully, his daughter is a nurse practitioner, and got him to the doc.  So, he had a quadruple bypass and now I'll bet he wishes he had his driver's license back.  He called me and was wanting to get "the girls" together again.  We are all that is left of our many cousins.  One of those "girls" took her 80-year-old husband (her son works for the cardiology floor at a hospital), and he had an aortic valve graft and is up, eating lots more (he had quit), and has a new lease on life.  I'm thinking my son might need a closer follow-up.  He is now working on the VA disabled worker's program and he had a bunch of aches and pains to work out of an unused body, but is feeling so much better about himself.  Sometimes, we have to have a shove to make us get help.   

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Jim got better help through the VA than private ins.  The only problem is doctors come and go there.

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Kay,  I have been trying for years to try to him get involved with the VA.  He was in the navy for 8 years.  Being this far away from him makes it so difficult.  I do not have much, if any, control.  Just hope he gets the help he needs.   Gin

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Actually Scott has always listened to us (and then does what he wants to).  I have said so many times the VA gave him better care than any private hospital.  I'm not saying that because it is free.  I'm saying that because before he got a brace for his leg he could not drive.  They had wanted to amputate his leg.  He could fall and break the ankle and never feel the pain.  He had no feeling except phantom foot pain from where he was shot in the femoral artery on down.  A nerve transposition graft made him have nerve pain.  And actually, it was me who insisted on the  Neurontin for the nerve pain, then they fitted him with brace, which goes up to the knee and the shoes are fitted to the brace.  You cannot even tell he is cripple.  They also provided him with his CPAP.  Keep improving on that too. He is followed for mental health there also. He gets care for his eyes (he has advancing glaucoma). The VA is tops to me.  We trained the residents at the  hospital I worked in and they took care of my son and millions of others.  He took a picture of the flag flying outside the window, but the picture and words of Lincoln made me have tears, and be proud.  Below picture does not do it justice.  It is a dark background and more is written, along with a picture of Abraham Lincoln carved into the picture.  It tugs at my heart, and I am not a political person, leanings toward religious, but this makes me proud.  

Gin, you said he talked to your daughter, maybe she can make him get help.  

lincoln.jpg

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I'm sorry Gin.  I love both my kids equally, but my  daughter is stubborn.  We always say not to tell anyone with our last name they can't do something.  I said, "Kelli, you have never been to Kansas, you don't know what house you rented, you will be living alone, YOU CANNOT DO THIS."  The next thing I know there is a picture of a big U-Haul truck pulling her little car going through the Oklahoma turnpiikes.  (Or whatever you call them.).  Now she wants to buy one of those little tiny pulling vans and make it into an RV.  I'm keeping my mouth shut, won't talk to her at all about it, won't answer questions, nothing.  Makes her angry, but "se la vie."  She has quit talking to me about it, but if she can get someone to help her, she has all the plans.  And all I can think about is she just finished her last shot of immunotherapy for the tumors and she has to have an address to get health care, but "I ain't saying nothing."  

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Blast it! My hot water heater died yesterday. Less than 3 yrs. old. Took a tepid shower yesterday and knew there was a problem. Will call repair tomorrow.😂

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My 84 yr old brother lives about an hour away.  He has some dementia which has gotten a lot worse since his wife died a few months ago. His daughter from fla came in to help him, but she is going home this week.  We had a family meeting at my house yesterday.  He was at the doc last week and he did not think my bro was that bad. My bro thinks he is fine.  He is not.  He has another daughter and granddaughter near by, but I pushed to get someone to live in.  No way!  I cannot even imagine what he will do when his daughter goes back.  Cannot imagine the doctor thinking he is ok.  Even to drive!  And the loneliness!  I call him every day, but that is nothing like having someone in the house.     Gin

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1 hour ago, KarenK said:

Blast it! My hot water heater died yesterday. Less than 3 yrs. old. Took a tepid shower yesterday and knew there was a problem. Will call repair tomorrow.😂

KarenK:  If only 3 years old it should have some kind of warranty, maybe???  Dee

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Gads!   Nothing worse than NOT a hot shower.  I don’t know if you own or lease yours, Karen.  I lease mine but it still wouldn’t get fixed or replaced for a few days.  It’s rather chilly here so when I take a shower, I depend on it raising my body temp.  Tepid is for grueling hot summers, but even then I want warmth.  And what about washing dishes and hands?  Tho they say temp isn’t important on hands, but who wants cold water for that?  Hope you got some good cussing in.  😳

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Fortunately, it's covered under my home maintenance agreement that I pay $850 a year for. Some years the cost is worth it, others not but in the long run, it's worth it. It's just the inconvenience. Can't remember the last time I had to heat water to wash greasy pans. lol  No cussing, but a really fast shower.

Got my first estimate to repair my carport ceiling. It was $1500 and they wanted to replace the whole ceiling. Can't afford that. Have another company coming on Fri. I really just want the missing piece replaced.

And life goes on.....

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On 3/8/2020 at 8:02 AM, Gin said:

Kay,  I have been trying for years to try to him get involved with the VA.  He was in the navy for 8 years.  Being this far away from him makes it so difficult.  I do not have much, if any, control.  Just hope he gets the help he needs.   Gin

I understand.  I have a similar situation with my daughter.  Apparently he did file divorce and it's at the courthouse waiting to go through.  I had offered to pay for it if SHE would file as the one who files has the upper hand and I wanted her to get the apt. and him a restraining order but...I know all too well how helpless it feels to have a grown child that doesn't listen or heed good advice.  I'm sorry you're in that position.

Karen, I'm glad your hot water heater is covered.  My sister's water went out Fri. night, they called the plumber, he came out Sat. morning, the pump was broken, he was able to fix it.  Meanwhile her husband took her to his shop to use the bathroom, but her walker wouldn't go through the door (it's big), she said the toilet didn't have a riser, she couldn't get up or wipe, so he came in and got her up and wiped her.  I told her that was love, forget flowers and chocolate, any man that'll do that for you is worth his weight in gold.  Must be the season for water problems, hope it skips my house.  Well problems can be spendy!

16 hours ago, Gin said:

He was at the doc last week and he did not think my bro was that bad. My bro thinks he is fine.  He is not.

They see them for what five minutes?  The family's assessment should count for something!  They put my mom through all kinds of testing, looked at her brain, said she was stage 3 and was soon stage 4 after...they wanted her in 24/7 lock down with 2 people to assist at all times (weight 60-70 lbs, I could lift her myself!.  Gotta wonder about doctors sometimes.

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Water heater is working again. Repairman came out an hour after I called. Evidently there is a thermal button that pops out and shuts heater off when water gets too hot due to temperature change, which we've had in the last few days. It's located behind a metal plate which has to be removed for access. Never happened before. There's a first for everything. Hot showers ahead!

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21 hours ago, Gin said:

My 84 yr old brother lives about an hour away.  He has some dementia which has gotten a lot worse since his wife died a few months ago.

We had a family meeting at my house yesterday.  He was at the doc last week and he did not think my bro was that bad. My bro thinks he is fine.  He is not.  

He has another daughter and granddaughter near by, but I pushed to get someone to live in.  No way! 

Cannot imagine the doctor thinking he is ok.  Even to drive!  And the loneliness!  I call him every day, but that is nothing like having someone in the house.     Gin

Gin, what I found out while dealing with my Mother's dementia is she could hold herself together where she would act as if there was not a problem for a short period of time.  The illness does not follow a daily schedule.  There can be a good day and then a few hours later, she'd be in another place mentally.  It becomes evident through tests and just spending time with the patient.  I am sure it would have been more acceptable for you if maybe the doctor would have suggested additional tests, unless your brother is not willing to go through any testing ? 

Looking back,  I wish I had hired someone to come in and help in my mother's apartment while I worked.  I chose to move her into a retirement home which only added to her confusion.  She would not go down to the dining room which meant I had to make sure she had food to eat in her room.  As her illness progressed, we moved her into a memory impaired unit which confused her even more.  The illness changed her usual sweet manor to a very unhappy, confused person.   One day she was battling another patient for a chair in the recreation room, fell, and broke her hip.  Once she recovered from surgery, my daughter and I took care of her in the duplex we owned.  My daughter stayed with her during the week and I stayed with her on the weekends until she passed away, eight months later.

I am so sorry you are having to face your brother's illness.  Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping his family will see he might need additional care.  Dee    

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Dee, thanks for your input.  My brother wants to stay in his house (understandable).  I am not that close by , but I hope I can help sometimes. I talk to him everyday, but that is not the same.  Hope his daughters figure out a way to get him help.  Ideally, I would think hiring someone  for 4-6 hours a day would work.  He says no.  Gin

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Gin:  It sounds like you are doing the best you can do for him by checking on him.   Does he have neighbors, or a friend, close by or someone he can call, or would call in an emergency.  From others I have known with Alzheimer illness, being male, are sometimes more difficult since their gender defines them.  None of us want to leave our home with or without dementia.  Hope these worries will lessen in time.   Hugs, Dee.

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Dee, no wonder you're such a special person, you have been through much, and well, it just shows!

Gin, your brother doesn't want help?  He may change his mind, this is a condition that can take around the clock care in the end and we do need sleep, need to get groceries, etc.  Even if he had someone else run out and get groceries for him, it'd help, but it'd be good if he could get out once in a while for even a few minutes.  One of the hardest situations a family can find themselves in, been there!

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20 hours ago, KarenK said:

Evidently there is a thermal button that pops out and shuts heater off when water gets too hot due to temperature change, which we've had in the last few days. It's located behind a metal plate which has to be removed for access.

I never knew that, good to know before calling someone out!  I'm glad it's all well now.  Have you tried lowering the temp. for the water tank?  We lowered ours years ago as sometimes they set them too high to start with.  The Department of Energy recommends having your tank-based hot water heater set to 120 degrees Fahrenheit.  Default is 140, we changed ours to 120.  Costs less to have it lower anyway.

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“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.  At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” 
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed 

My sister just came from the grocery store (Brookshires) a few blocks from our apartments.  She said it was so full of people and the shelves were being depleted of everything.  I am more surprised that people are not "self-quarantining" as we were advised to do.  Instead, the stores are crowded like Christmas. 

And me?  I have a strange fear and also received my census papers in the mail and that scares me also.  I do remember one year many years ago when they told us to only use our electricity sparingly, cannot remember why, but I was not afraid.

Now I am afraid, afraid of the census (like it is some school test), afraid of the supermarkets and all those people.  It does not make sense to stop all public meetings, (my sister is having to teach her classes via computer lessons, ) self-quarantine, but see how many people you can cram against each other at the supermarket, and on top of all that we have water mains that broke, or whatever water mains do, and we are supposed to boil our water, this is the 3rd or 4th day.  I use a Pur filter system that is supposed to get out everything, but does it?  

Yes, I would be less anxious if Billy was here, but he isn't.  He would laugh at me for being afraid.  He would watch a storm coming and enjoy what he saw. 

No kidding, crazy people stripped all the stores of toilet paper.  TOILET PAPER for a virus that affects the respiratory organs?  So, I went searching for the elusive TP of any kind.  No, I was not out of it, but my fear drove me out into the wilds of people-land where crazy people, like me, had no idea what they were doing.  No TP,, but plenty of napkins, Kleenex, etc.  

Self-quarantine sounds sensible.  I cannot take a Xanax for this fear.  It is a steady, stupid, mind stalling, fear.  A pill won't help.  Cannot even concentrate on reading......so, you know it has to be bad.  

Anyone who follows the author C.J. Box and his Joe Pickett series, his 20th book came out March 3rd, and it was the best one yet.   I read it up until 4:00 a.m. two mornings straight, before this brain hindering virus hit the news.  (Do you ever feel all the news services tell us fake news to scare us?)  I just read that the health service computers were hacked.  Kind of like fate that the health service reporting would get a virus on top of a real virus.

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