If You're Going Through Hell

[Gin]

I feel the same.  Al has been gone for 4 1/2 yrs.  Not much point in getting up.  No where to go and no one coming over.  This isolation is crushing.  Gin

[widow'15]

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

When we went to visit my grandmother's sisters and brothers way out in the country, of course, the houses were old, "dog trot" houses. 

Marg: Now there's another term I have not heard before, "dog trot" houses.  I do remember homes in New Orleans being referred to as "shotgun houses" which were homes without any hallways.  You'd enter into one room, the living room; the next rooms were bedrooms with the kitchen and a bathroom towards the back.

Yes, I feel blessed that I was able to grow up in a slower paced time when life was simple and seemed a lot safer for all.   Your entries on the Forum awaken so many memories in my old brain.  Thank you for the smiles.  Dee
 

[Margm]

Both grandparents lived in "dog-trot" houses.  Might be a southern term.  We have one they have saved in a little town called Dubach, Louisiana (if I am remembering right.  I guess it might be a southern term.  One side of the house was on the left, one on the right.  In between was a huge hallway that led to the back porch and usually the well was right there at the porch.  They kept a galvanized cup and a wooden bucket that you lowered into the cold water  and pulled up a drink.  Many a drink out of that galvanized long handled cup.  In both of their houses (open from front to back, big high roof covering it all, the kitchen was on the left side and the bedrooms on the right side, heading from the front.  The first room was the parlor and held the piano, organ, and in both houses a basket of artificial fruit to add something..  Decor, I guess.  There were old calendars with pretty pictures and in one grandparents were studio pictures of each member of the family.  Eventually there was a bathroom added on.  (Easy to add on to these houses.  Neither was painted.  I guess they were "dog trot" because the dog could trot from front to back.  I just never asked why.  But, all that wax fruit had the indentations of many a young grandchild's teeth in it.  That was the room we usually had the Christmas tree and the preacher came to visit.  2-3 fire places on each side of the house.   I do not remember them being as fancy as the one below. 

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, brat#2 said:

I don't post much anymore when I get this way I just tend to keep everything inside.  Today is 5 years that Dale left this earth and I can't believe it has been that long, it still feels like it just happened. 

brat#2 : So sorry you are experiencing a tough time now that you have reached the five year anniversary of losing your Dale.  I totally understand how withdrawing is your way of dealing with your sadness.  I wished many times I could put my deep sadness into words, but those feelings can't be put into "my words".  Being a stubborn-hard headed-introverted female I find my way to grapple with the pain, is on my own.   Everyone is different and we have to do what works for us.  Extra "Hugs" to you today.  Dee

[Margm]

2 hours ago, brat#2 said:

I don't post much anymore when I get this way I just tend to keep everything inside. 

I just went through this on the 3rd, it was our anniversary. His birthday is the 20th..  It will be five years in October. He loved people to celebrate every event with  presents for him.  He was such a child sometimes.  We loved that child though and we will miss them till we see them again.  It does no good to say words like that.  In fact no words help.  Just know we feel your loss.  And though you say you don't post much anymore, maybe you ought to.  Maybe letting your feelings out might help some.  What works for one won't work for everyone.  

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, brat#2 said:

IToday is 5 years that Dale left this earth and I can't believe it has been that long, it still feels like it just happened.  I'm not living a life just existing, I sure hope that some day it will feel like living.  Very sad today.

I am so sorry, Joyce.  Something about that number that has hit a couple us us lately.  I guess because it’s lIke a marker.  Maybe a time we thought if we ever got to it might be better and we find it isn’t.  But not a time to figure that out.  

I send you all my thoughts and biggest hugs today.  Dale loved you so very much, you will never lose that.  ❤️❤️❤️

[kayc]

9 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Today is 5 years that Dale left this earth

It doesn't seem 15 years to me either yet part of me feels it was a lifetime ago...or did it even really happen?  Weird how time can warp things.

I'm sorry, so hard to go through these days.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

It doesn't seem 15 years to me either yet part of me feels it was a lifetime ago...or did it even really happen?  Weird how time can warp things.

I think it becomes a normal phenomena.  Often I can’t distinguish between if it was real or not.  All the physical stuff is still there, but the longer he has been gone, the stranger it seems to me.  A grill I never used.  What is it doing here?   A bedside table that is so simple.  No sleep mask or Kindle laying there.  Why are all those yard tools in the garage?  Why do I have so many pots, pans, loaf pans and culinary cutlery?  How come I can exactly guess how long anything can be microwaved but forget how long to bake a potato or  the temp to bake a chicken?  How did all that stuff materialize on the 4 long shelves in his room?  Why do I have bottles of vodka I never drink?  Why do people often laugh leaving a message in my machine saying It's so creative?   Why do I dive for the the phone so I don’t have to hear it?  

The longer the time, the less associated I am as having been anything but alone.  People that know me outside of here would be asking who is that guy in so many pictures in your house?  Why do you overreact to death scenes in shows?  Why does saying it has been 5 years sound, even to me, like I should be all better?   

Because I once had what seems like a fairy tale, but it was a truly fulfilling reality.  Good and bad, lawn and kitchen tools used on a daily basis.  Microwave only used occasionally.  Raw foods in the fridge.  A bed that needed to be made every morning, not just one side folded over and done.  Races to use the shower.  Help folding sheets.  A note still there to remind me a T shirt not to dry.  

Only in sleep do I find a world I can feel normal in now.  But that has changed because of physical pain intruding.  Alone and getting old.  One dog left that immediately jolts me to another life filled with activity and routines now abandoned for new ones that are solitary to us both.  Apnother dog that never existed there.  Yet she is at home here.  

And this voice in my head that be heard so easily saying my name.  Saying he loved me every day.  These crazy nicknames I never hear anymore.  Ones I made up and never call anyone now.  

Yup, it was real.  So real.  Otherwise, this being alone wouldn’t be so.........excruciatingly lonely.  

 

[scba]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

Why does saying it has been 5 years sound, even to me, like I should be all better?   

 

 

Because outsiders don't know what is left in the place were you feel so much pain 24/7, five years later. There is an emptiness, a void, an absence, a nothingness, a silence filling that space. And you experience that, "feel" that. 

It's horrible. 

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The longer the time, the less associated I am as having been anything but alone.

Exactly!  I felt alone growing up (dysfunctional parents, siblings a lot younger or older), in my first two marriages...living separate lives, having to figure out how to pay the bills, take care of the kids etc alone, no input or support.  Being with George is the only real connectivity I've had in a marriage!  My sisters and I are supportive of each other but by telephone, don't live closeby.  And they cannot understand grief the way I do, still have their spouses.  Of course #4 doesn't even count as a marriage, never even lived with me, just a con, I should have been able to annul.  15 years since George has been gone, I barely remember living with anyone.  I loved it when my son was here, we meshed well, always respectful and considerate of each other.  Very easygoing relationship.  I knew it would all change when he got married, a part of me felt sad at that but of course I understood that is the natural way of things and to be desired.  We raise them to live their own lives.  But always miss them.

 

[Gwenivere]

I meant in my post (what you quoted) that I’m experiencing being alone for the first time in my life. That my mind is very messed up with this new identity.   In almost 59 years, there was always someone I loved and loved me back.  From parents to friends to roommates to lovers to finally Steve.  There was always someone I could count on.  I’m so sorry, Kay, that you have experienced this terrible feeling much of your life.  I miss my parents so very much. My best friends of which I had 3 my whole life not counting Steve.   Not being a parent, i don’t know how it feels when they leave.  I don’t think I’d like it, tho it is the natural order.  

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, scba said:

Because outsiders don't know what is left in the place were you feel so much pain 24/7, five years later. There is an emptiness, a void, an absence, a nothingness, a silence filling that space. And you experience that, "feel" that. 

It's horrible. 

My post was really rhetorical about the massive changes life has taken.   But you are right, Ana.  It is horrible and when all you havcleft are outsiders, it’s nightmarishly horrible.  Thank gawd for this place.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I meant in my post (what you quoted) that I’m experiencing being alone for the first time in my life.

Yes, I got that.  I've found it's one thing to be alone and it's entirely another thing to experience being alone AFTER having that person you're so close to!  To have and lose it...that is so hard.  But here I am again.  This place used to be bustling, filled with children's laughter, then filled with love and caring, now...gone.  The shell of a worn out old mobile home with a broke down old woman living alone.  Sounds pathetic, doesn't it?!  Even neighbors my age have someone there with them...

 

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thank gawd for this place.

Yes.

[Margm]

23 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

In almost 59 years,

Gwen, my son turned 58 on the 25th of June.  So, you are close in age.  His high school sweetheart was beautiful, her folks were our acquaintances, she was an only child, but she did not get the attention she needed, I guess, and at 16 was sleeping around for whatever attention she needed.  My husband and her mother took her to the clinic to have an abortion.  Scott was in the army and was not home.  I knew nothing about it.  He had "slept" with her and I "sort of" forced a marriage.  They stayed together nine years, two babies.  It was never a marriage and was something I should not have pushed.  I could not stand the idea of losing a grandchild.  She was more my daughter than his wife and in later years she told him she always wished Billy and I had been her parents.  There were some hard years for my son afterwards as she remarried and moved the kids to the Pacific Coast.  Bad, hurting times.  Later on he found a young girl (I knew she did not have all her tools in the tool-shed) and they never could live together, but he had found someone who would not run around on him.  I knew that was too innocent of him but again, after nine years one of his friends (and he was a friend) waited until Scott had broke up with this one, and he showed him the texts she had been texting.  Twice burned, I hope he will find happiness.  I know he does not trust, he is not looking, but know there is someone out there for him.  Women are not that different than man.  It still takes two.  Although a close relative of mine admitted to being "bi" and she said she just thought she had the best of both worlds.  Right now she is alone and will stay that way.  Some things are not meant for me to understand.  I do accept things I don't understand though and just live my life.  

[Kieron]

So I have had a friend living in the other half of my house for the last 18 months or so, and he had been working toward moving to another state.  The upheaval in this city kind of accelerated his decision to depart.  He moved the last of his things out yesterday and is now heading west.  While we disagreed strenuously on certain political topics, there were many more things we agreed on or at least could see the other's POV.  And it was a blessing to have someone else around during this lockdown so that I could at least chew over the events of each day (such as they were).  And he is handy and fixed quite a few things that I don't have the knack for doing, and especially was helpful in getting some problem areas resolved so that I can more easily sell this place, and helped carry heavy stuff to the curb to be taken by trash collection or for a future garage sale. 

In a way, it was a little like having a big brother around.  And now that he's left,  this place feels even more cavernous, enormous and excessive for my needs.  That is making it easier to take steps toward selling, but I'm finding this is one more layer of grief settling over me-- as if I don't have enough.  I've been here 20+ years and most of those were with Mark.  Imagining myself selling it is now easier than it ever has been, esp. with the riots and civil disorder, and the inept and idiotic management by the city council.  But it's still going to rip me apart when I do go.  I have relatives who move about every 2 years as their jobs require them to, and I can't fathom uprooting your life so frequently.

And worst of all, I can't even figure out where I would go next.  I can't stay forever and mostly don't want to stay much longer, but deciding which direction to go...?  It feels futile.  So I stay and exist here, and pore over maps and the atlas to see what catches my attention, and slowly discard stuff I know I don't want.  But I don't understand this slooooooow sense of stasis.  It slightly resembles the way time stretched out in the weeks and months after his passing and I sometimes wonder if I'm condemned to exist in stasis for the rest of my life.  People keep telling me to check out other cities or nearby states, and I intend to, but it's a little harder now because of this damned virus.  🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

[kayc]

You are braver than I am.  I am too daunted by the task of cleaning out this place I've lived in for 43+ years.  And the thought of upheaval would send anxiety racing through me as I wouldn't want to have to start all over somewhere, especially by myself!  My grandkids are 2 1/2 hours away, my sisters live in this state, my church and friends are here, and I love this community, it's not like big cities where no one knows each other...in this town, people rally around someone who has a house fire or other tragedy and help them out.  

Ask yourself, if you could be anywhere, what kind of climate would you prefer?  What type of landscape?  When I lived in Phoenix I missed the "country" as I'd known it, the tall evergreens and waterfalls, lakes, rivers, ocean.  To me it wasn't the same in the desert with the smell of sagebrush and cactus...I just plain old missed Oregon, so I moved back.  I feel like we have the best of all worlds here, ocean, mountains, evergreens, valleys, farmland, desert,  And I like that we have all seasons, none of them horribly extreme.  They say if you don't like the weather here, stick around, it'll change tomorrow!

Do you have any family to locate near?

[Kieron]

Oh, I'm not so brave.  I'd like nothing better than to be able to stay here, if not for the upkeep, property taxes going waaay up to pay for all the damage and the wrongful death lawsuit by the family, and the increase in gunfire, gangs etc etc.  It's starting to feel like Chicago here.  I've done so much over the years to make this a home and it galls me to be close to being driven out by other people's stupidity. 

And it's really too big for one person in a time when so many families need growing space and I'm not about to take in renters.  I don't need that uncertainty on top of it.

I found New Mexico and the region beautiful and enchanting, but would not want to live there.  Like you, I need seasons, lakes, streams, prairies, farmland.  My folks aren't too far from here but they're in their mid-70's so I don't want to be too far away, and most everyone else is scattered the world over.  I don't know... and then there's a job for wherever I go.  This isn't the best time to be looking for work. 

🙄 if I roll my eyes much more I'll have to feel around on the floor for them.

[MartyT]

7 minutes ago, Kieron said:

🙄 if I roll my eyes much more I'll have to feel around on the floor for them.

I love that! ♥️

[Gwenivere]

Me too.  ❤️

Kieron, I really feel for you in this.  Being pulled in so many directions has to be so stressful.  It’s one thing to want to move whole heartedly as opposed with practicalities that intertwine with memories and feelings.  I wish I had some words of solace or wisdom.  One of my biggest fears is having to leave our home.  It’s all I’ve ever know for over 30 years.  The tastes of being away from were awful, tho granted they were medical.  But even then I saw it was my home that could feel safe to me.  I never thought if it before, but that is the word.  Even without hm, this is safe.  I have no idea what the damages and lawsuit are about, but the very words mean added stress.  Plus you have your parents, which is important.  The job thing would be tough too.  I know all too well the sound of an empty house.  It’s just not natural.  Now I hear my neighbors lives as there is no activity here together.  I’m so sorry your friend moved out too.  Another loss of contact.   I Really struggle with being so alone.  Often wish I had a buddy close by.  Thoughts to you on this, just wish I could magically soothe all of us how we each need.

[KarenK]

Kieron, I sympathize with you. There are so many factors involved in deciding where to move, a big one being the proximity to your parents There are so many beautiful states to choose from each with their pros and cons. Kentucky is beautiful and green in spring and fall, but super humid in summer and icy cold in winter. I've never been in the eastern seaboard states, but they look beautiful on tv, except for the rugged winters. Although I've been here forever, the desert is not beautiful to me. Flagstaff is nice, being in the mountains, not too much snow the last few years. I'm a cowgirl at heart so would head for Montana, Wyoming, or Idaho if I was able to. Maybe tape a map to the wall, shut your eyes, and throw a few darts.

Go where your heart leads you. I know it's a difficult decision.

[Kieron]

Thanks, Karen, there are a few places I'm contemplating.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I have no idea what the damages and lawsuit are about, but the very words mean added stress.

Gwen, this refers to the damage from the riots at the end of June and the lawsuit from the Floyd family against the city, since I live in the same city where George Floyd died which then led to the events here and around the country.  The price tags for all these things is going to be a pretty penny and all of us have to help pay for it. 

[kayc]

I pray you'll have clarity and peace of mind wherever you decide.  You are an intelligent thinking person, I'm confident you'll make the right decision when you are ready.  You might want to put out feelers for jobs ahead of time, it's sometimes easier to find the home than the job, at least for me in my 50s during the recession, it was hard.

[Gwenivere]

I hear ya, Kieron.  I’m appalled at the damagethat was done here in the protests turned riots.  Takingbiver oart if dientiwn killed many small businesses who were in doubt as it was. I hope you don’t get overwhelmed in your decisions.  Keep us apprised.  If you can find your eyes, that is.  😳

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I pray you'll have clarity and peace of mind wherever you decide.  You are an intelligent thinking person, I'm confident you'll make the right decision when you are ready.  You might want to put out feelers for jobs ahead of time,

Kieron:  I have to second what kayc suggested.  You are an intelligent person and you will make the right decision within your time.  Just know we are hoping the best for you.  Good thoughts for you.  Dee

[KarenK]

Well, I am batting 1000 this week. Thought sure I was done with the dental stuff for a while. Wrong! The new bottom filling or what's left of the tooth is breaking off a little at a time. May be fixable. Worse, the anchor tooth that he capped to hold my top denture has broken off at the gum. Maybe the existing "teeth" with some added can be made into a wider denture. Don't know. I still owe $1100 from all the work I've had done. At least wearing a mask is fashionable now.

As an added bonus, water is now leaking out from under my kitchen cabinets in front of my dishwasher. The dishwasher has not been run tonight. Hopefully, if it's a water line, it's covered by my contract.