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Probably evening as that's my letdown time when I get a chance to relax some...that was our "family time."

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20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Does anyone have a time or times if day, aside from waking up, that hits hard every day?   I get hit around 3pm that drives me out to find some way to kill some time.  It does help me for awhile to have a better perspective.  

I get It around 8pm and then after dinner.  It’s like clockwork every day.   Used to be going to bed was welcomed, but it’s a big ritual now complicated with other issues.  I know mine are from being alone.   The very few times someone has been here or I’m talking on the phone it feels less intense, but it’s still there.  The pandemic makes it worse.  

Gwen:  I haven't been able to identify a time of the day that hits me harder than any other time of day.  I seem to be hit hard any time something triggers the brain to remember what used to be and won't ever be again.   The tears come anytime, anywhere.

Recently I decided it was time to purge years of old files that have been kept for too many years.   Looking through years of our lives together brought up much I had forgotten.  Even though some triggers created tears there were also some smiles at time.   

I wish I could be persuaded to go out as you do.  I realize my staying home alone is not good but I can come up with more reasons to stay home instead of walking out my door or getting in my car.   And I agree, the pandemic has made life much more difficult for all.  Dee

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2 hours ago, widow'15 said:

The tears come anytime, anywhere.

Recently I decided it was time to purge years of old files that have been kept for too many years.  

I realize my staying home alone is not good but I can come up with more reasons to stay home instead of walking out my door or getting in my car.  

Tears are coming to me more often too.  It’s the repetiveness of the days over and over again.   When it varies, it’s usually not in a positive way.  Like talking to my doc yesterday and nothing positive in the context.  But variety.  My choice of several invasive tests.  I had to remind him about losing my dog, my kid, my baby, to explain my tears.  He was doing his job, but I guess we want and need more closeness and less clinical feeling. 

I’ve thought about going thru more of our paperwork, but I did once and so much is stored it the garage that be thrown away when I’m gone.  I haven’t the patience to do it now.  For me it’s useless and out of the way which is good enough.  I’m sure I’m trying to avoid triggers too.  I don’t know how people go back and find smiles.  I see dates I want to go back to when those papers mattered.

.you’re doing what we all should be doing, staying home unless absolutely necessary to go out.  I haven’t figured out a way to do that and not get  horribly depressed even more.  The days are so much the same and limited I need to look back that I did something different.  Or something significant to define a day from others.  I only know weekends because there are no doc or access to calls I have to make because their closed.   Then I get frustrated so it’s a lose lose situation.  How do you do it day after day, Dee ?  Pain wears mecdown.  I do think if it were lessened I’d do better at staying in..I crave interaction even if it is just being part of the crowd no one notices. 

It’s weird having a routine of nothingness.  Or chores that I know will be difficult .  

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We are in a drought with excessive heat warnings every day. This is normally our monsoon season, but there has been no rain and none in sight for the future. A perfect time for the city yard Grinch to strike as he does every year. Got a compliance letter to remove the grass where the sidewalk meets the street a couple of weeks ago and Robert got that done. Now he has started his job working various hours and a sleep pattern is impossible. He's exhausted. Got another letter yesterday to cut the grass and weeds and clean up some poop and cut the back yard. First time in 50 years back yard has been mentioned. I am the first to admit the yards are messy right now but wasn't aware the garbage men who traverse the alley cared about my back yard. It is so hot out there, I barely go out, much less do yard work. Not sure if Robert can even manage it. It's 90 at 5 AM and 106 at 7 PM. This guy evidently missed the train that carried compassion or he's on a power trip.

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Today was rather demoralizing in a new way.  My state has a mask mandate in public areas, stores and restaurants.  While doing errands, I stopped at an outdoor farmer's market to see if there were any fresh produce items only available this time of year.  I noticed someone I got to know before all this pandemic crap, at least pretty sure it was him, but he walked right by me twice and didn't see me.  I guess I could have said something, but I was already in a sour mood and didn't have the energy to try to interact with anyone today. 

I don't fault him, he was probably preoccupied looking for whatever he came for, but what does bother me is that all of us wearing masks makes us faceless, even to those we know.  I have a hard time hearing people through these damned things so I just don't even really try anymore.

I really wonder sometimes if society is turning into The Matrix, each of us isolated, asleep and alone inside a fictional world, hooked up to virtual reality.  I don't like this.  How do I get out of this timeline?  😢

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2 hours ago, Kieron said:

  How do I get out of this timeline? 

I have actual anxiety about leaving my apartment.  Of course, I could be going through all those big plastic boxes.  I do not want to do that either.  I do admit, my interest is piqued by what might be in them.  Then I tell myself, I have not missed it, why bother with it.  I think Randy Travis had a song with words (not following his words), but "picking up bones, bones that would better be left alone."  My mind keeps singing that when I get the urge to go into those boxes.  My granddaughter has OCD for cleanliness and we are definitely the "odd couple" and those things in those boxes would not bring up memories like they would for me.  Besides, I have my bed surrounded with them.  I don't care what my bedroom looks like.  Right now they are safety.  I am boxed in and I like it.  

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10 hours ago, KarenK said:

Got another letter yesterday to cut the grass and weeds and clean up some poop and cut the back yard. First time in 50 years back yard has been mentioned. 

It is frustrating when others get into our business.  That only happens my neighborhood if there is a dangerous  situation.  Are you in a gated community with bylaws you agreed to?  Otherwise I’d tell them to back off.  I kinda understand about the city, they can do that here but no ones been bugged about grass.  Usually it’s about overhanging trees that seriously affect walking by. 

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2 hours ago, Kieron said:

I  really wonder sometimes if society is turning into The Matrix, each of us isolated, asleep and alone inside a fictional world, hooked up to virtual reality.  I don't like this.  How do I get out of this timeline?  😢

I know how you are feeling.  The masks have changed so much more than we ever thought they would.  I see people, too, and it depends in the day if I want to pursue interacting or not.  I’m becoming more 'not' as time passes.  That’s creating more depression and isolation in public.  I see it in others now too.  People don’t say anything much anymore in the stores.  Not being able to see smiles, if they are there, really affects me.  I don’t fault others either because I am one of them , too.

The Matrix analogy is a good one except in those little worlds, people see living lives they feel matter.  This is like being awake and knowing you’re in a fake reality.  As for timelines, let me off too.  We need a 3rd pill.

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On 8/8/2020 at 1:03 PM, Marg M said:

I think Randy Travis had a song with words (not following his words), but "picking up bones, bones that would better be left alone."  My mind keeps singing that when I get the urge to go into those boxes. 

Right now they are safety.  I am boxed in and I like it.  

I’m sorry to hear about the anxiety, Marg.  I have it here and leaving.  It really sucks.  It’s getting to lonely out there in a world of scared people that want to avoid us.  I’m too used to interacting even when it’s hard because of my loneliness compared to bits about their lives that are still happening.  But to be acknowledged by another human is helpful.  Now people are becoming robotic as I write in response to Kieron's observation. I do go and get meals at the community center on weekends because the people there talk.  They are mostly fromthe homeless camps around, but they’ve retained communication.  

There is nothing here I want to go thru.  Steve’s closet and most of his bureau are done.  There is stuff in a toy chest, an overflowing work bench in the garage and  huge shelves in his office.  All the way he left them and very dusty.  I’m pretty blind to them so getting into them would rip that scab off.  Plus, no one is here to notice the mess.

maybe they are a safety for me too that he hasn’t been wiped out.  Enough other things hav been changed or modified because of his absence.  I have to get something once and awhile from part of those shelves and they have the spike for credit card receipts so often I am putting stuff there.  There’s a big a,shtray with keys and other stuff used now and then.  A holder for investment statements.  Dog records that have my lost one in there.  

Not sure I like it or not.  Just know I cannot take any more emotional upheaval at this time.

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Gwen, not a gated community. Just a very old neighborhood built in the 50's. The city has all kinds of ordinances that govern your property with daily fines for non compliance. Some of them are just plain stupid. If you park on the street in front of your house, your vehicle must be facing a certain direction or you get a ticket????? What's with that one? Whoever creates these ordinances must get really bored looking for something to do.

Most of Ron's things are gone from here, sold for financial necessity. I will always feel bad for having to give up the things he worked so hard for all his life, but I had no choice. I used to have nightmares about his returning and being so angry that they were gone, just another thing for him to be angry at me about as he was so often in the last few years. There's really nothing left here for me to go through. I guess that's a good thing.

I'm going to attempt a trip to the grocery store tomorrow. Have not been since all this stuff started. Not looking forward to it, but can't put everything off on my son while he's trying to work.

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On 8/8/2020 at 2:21 AM, KarenK said:

We are in a drought with excessive heat warnings every day. This is normally our monsoon season, but there has been no rain and none in sight for the future. A perfect time for the city yard Grinch to strike as he does every year. Got a compliance letter to remove the grass where the sidewalk meets the street a couple of weeks ago and Robert got that done. Now he has started his job working various hours and a sleep pattern is impossible. He's exhausted. Got another letter yesterday to cut the grass and weeds and clean up some poop and cut the back yard. First time in 50 years back yard has been mentioned. I am the first to admit the yards are messy right now but wasn't aware the garbage men who traverse the alley cared about my back yard. It is so hot out there, I barely go out, much less do yard work. Not sure if Robert can even manage it. It's 90 at 5 AM and 106 at 7 PM. This guy evidently missed the train that carried compassion or he's on a power trip.

Karen, here we are not allowed to even start a lawnmower since 8/1 because of the high fire danger.  Not sure how we are supposed to prevent grass from growing, it's amazing to me how it grows in spite of the lack of moisture/rain and the heat!  

 

20 hours ago, Kieron said:

I really wonder sometimes if society is turning into The Matrix, each of us isolated, asleep and alone inside a fictional world, hooked up to virtual reality.  I don't like this.  How do I get out of this timeline?  😢

That is what it seems like!  You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself, you speak for us all!

Yesterday someone I know went for a ride in the country and dropped in on me.  I was so surprised!  (Was able to do social distancing)  Kodie was in seventh heaven as he loves everyone, he didn't even know me while they were here!  :D  I haven't had a guest stop in for a visit in many years.  I'm glad I have my new rugs in place so they didn't see my chewed up/worn out carpets!  This week has gone better than last week!

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

The city has all kinds of ordinances that govern your property with daily fines for non compliance.

One of the reasons I prefer to live where I do...it's easier to drive to the city for what I need once every couple of weeks than to deal with their nonsense.  I see the protests and rants on the news, bickering among city councils, etc. nope, not for me!  I'm sorry you're going through the "lawn police."

Getting groceries has gotten better in the months since this began, at least we no longer have to stand outside in inclement weather in long stretched out lines waiting to be able to go in, unable to turn around once inside.  They've relaxed their rules a lot, we're still supposed to keep our distance, wear masks at all times out in public.  

 

 

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Made my grocery run. I found the mask suffocating and a bit disorienting, probably due to lack of oxygen. The variety of products I was looking for was very limited, the prices were horrendous, and most people acted like we were from different planets. Not an enjoyable experience, but a necessity, of course. Can hardly wait for my next trip.  lol

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Nothing is as it once was.  It’s so rare to have any social interaction.  No more talking about brands with other shoppers.  People don’t even say 'excuse me' going by.  Just go as fast as possible like your a menace.  If I’m having a good physical day, I’ll use a checker as they will talk to you.  I never know what is going to be the item of the week that is out of stock.  Saw a woman the other day who had about 6 bags of chips and lots of snack crackers.  I said......looks like you are stocking up which she nodded.  I find myself buying things on sale not just because of that, but they could be gone next time.  Then I wind up overstocked it seems, but they get used.  I used to love shopping, but now I don’t.  I’ve taken to refilling my bottled water from the tap because the packs are too heavy to unload when I get home.  Grabbed a bottle of wine getting carrots today.  Have quite a few, but that is one thing I never want to run low on.  I need the escape.

And masks?  Hate, hate, hate them.  Can’t breathe either.  Can’t see people.  It’s like a nightmare out there.

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I almost have to laugh. If Ron were here, he would be out there buying everything up. He could never buy 1 or 2. It had to be 10. I'm sure it stemmed from being hungry as a child. He did the grocery shopping for years after he became disabled and I was still working. He also liked to "window shop". I never did. I think the last time I actually had fun shopping was before my mother's stroke in 2000. We loved to go to the nicer department store sales, but we also loved going to Goodwill. Always bought a bunch of stuff we didn't need. Went to all the doll shows and always bought a few Madame Alexander dolls for my collection. Just a short trip down memory lane there. The only kind of trip I can afford now.

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I had to look up Madame Alexander dolls, seems they're worth something, made in 1800s and then in the 1900s finally made from plastic.  Worth a lot, selling on Mercari.  
My George loved grocery shopping, we always went together, also stemmed from being hungry as a child, 2nd oldest of 11 children, he used to go without so the younger kids could eat.  He LOVED food!  So easy to please, cook for.  He always appreciated it!

I don't enjoy shopping, the older I get, the longer day it seems, esp. since it's a 100 mile trip, come home, haul them in, put them away, then walk Kodie, always exhausted when done.  It was more fun with him and of course I was younger then and he always bagged them and carried them in so it was easier.  But it feels good once done!

Don't think I see sales on food any more, just skyrocketing prices and out of stock on some things.  Never used to be like that, getting more accustomed to it, sadly. 

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Kay, at one time, I had 75 dolls. Only have 33 now. It broke my heart to have to sell a lot of them. Although worth more, I sold them for what I could get on Craigslist or at yard sales,  desperate for money. Just another happy memory erased. Mine are 8" dolls. My mother bought 3 for me about 1954. My cousin made little dresses for them. Played with them, put them away. Who knew at that age to keep the original clothing pristine? Found them and the little dresses in an old diaper bag while closet cleaning in 1990. Only one has most of her original clothinhg. She is valuable. Started buying more at doll shows. Had a small display cabinet built. Soon needed a bigger one. They now live in my mother's nice china cabinet. One day they will go to my granddaughter, I guess.

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I had a few Madam Alexander dolls when I was a kid.  Kept them pristine.  I knew they were collectibles.  I gave them to my best friend at the time for her daughter.  Now we are estranged and I have no idea what happened to them.  I don’t care about the money value, it just makes me sad that she chose to drift away instead of including me in her daughters life.  They probably got pitched or givento other kids in the family with no knowledge of the specialty they are.

i added this after you read it, Dee.  I remember telling my friend how special they were in general but to me and since I’d never have children, I wanted them in a good home.  I could ask, but do I really want to know?  Rhetorical.

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I called my doctor since it's been nearly two weeks since my Nerve Conduction Study and I'd heard nothing from her...they said she "hadn't had time to look at it."  ?!!  When I worked for Dr. Griffith, he always went through stuff on his lunch break and at the end of the day!  Poor time management.

I was told I need surgery asap in BOTH hands, was not expecting that!  I'm being referred to the Slocum Clinic, Eugene's finest orthopedic surgeons, I hope my ins. covers it.  They are sending in for referral/preauth.  I honestly don't know how I'll do this as I have no one to take care of me and Kodie.  It scares me.  I will do the right hand first and see how that goes.  Haven't even begun training the new person on the church books yet, can't until after 9/1.  Did I say I was scared???

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As if every day isn't hard enough to deal with, the "special happy" days just keep coming.  Dale would be turning 69 today and he's not here to celebrate with.  He would have gotten a card from me first thing this morning and a kiss and then all day we would be planning on which of our 2 favorite restaurants to go to for dinner and then spend an enjoyable evening together celebrating his special day.  I miss him so much.

Kay, I'm so sorry and hopefully they will be able to offer some more options, hugs

 

 

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Kay,

I have arthritis in both hands and thumbs.   I can’t imagine not being able to use my hands at all.  Praying for a good outcome for you.  
Storms took out my power for many hours yesterday.    Gin

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I am moving this from under the topic I was writing under.  It is just another of my word salads.  Kay had mentioned my continuation of my random driving "with Billy" on drives I like to take by myself.  She is right too.  If we find something that adds to our comfort in any way, if we are able to do it, then do it.  

I live in a fairly small town.  Down the block is the highway.  Not traveled much, it is the opening into miles and miles of blacktop roads in any direction, no cities.  It is a wonderland of clouds (and I love driving in the rain), not downpours.  One road I was on, I only had one car come behind me for probably 50 miles.  You can "think" and remember on these roads.  You do need to watch out for deer.  In the city all you can do is "be careful, be watchful, be mindful of other drivers.  Most of these roads I have visited my grandparent's relatives on.  They (their/my ancestors)  still live somewhere around close.  Of course I don't visit.  You do think about a time in the distant past though when Sunday afternoons were spent visiting my grandparents siblings.  Back in those days, living so far out in the country, you didn't call ahead.  There were no telephone lines.  I cannot remember if they had electricity, but they all had big front porches with swings and a lot of rocking chairs.  They usually were on the front porch just waiting for visitors.  People were welcome back then.  And, there was always the "dog trot" house with the well at the corner of the house, the bucket you let drop with the rope and the always handy long handled galvanized dipper that had the coldest water on such hot summer days.  We obviously didn't have germs back then, because we all drank from the same dipper.  The porches were cool with big trees in front.  As a kid you took it for granted that is how everyone lived.  The fireplaces and the feather beds.  I think I was lucky to have that piece of Americana.  I did not miss TV or A/C.  I would now.   But, they had epidemics.  The year before Billy was born, his family lost a daughter (a sister he never knew) on her first day of school.  We have vaccinations for those diseases now.  I hope we find one for this one.  Psychiatrists are going to have to treat a lot of agoraphobia.  

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Joyce, so sorry it is a tough day.  Seems they all are now that used to be happy. That’s the hardest to take about this damned grief.  It steals everything good.  Much love and hugs.  Wish I could suggest something, but I’m as lost as you.  That we can share.  ❤️❤️❤️

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I too am sorry for the anniversary reminder...grief stole the joy from those days it seems, I never know what to do with ours so I do nothing.  I would go back to the hotel we stayed at on our honeymoon for a visit but they've torn it down.  :(

Trying to find an elusive mouse in my house, a couple droppings here, next night a couple droppings there, it's been all over, just a couple droppings so I don't think it's a big infestation, just a roving mouse.  My puppy barks in the kitchen but I haven't been able to find it.  It won't go for the electronic trap, the old fashioned trap, or the poison.  I have to keep them all away from Kodie, I caught him chewing on the elec. trap the other day, the little bugger chews EVERYTHING!

Gin, I'm sorry you were w/o electricity yesterday, been there too many times!  I've been fairly lucky this year, only a few hours a couple of times, last year's storm was horrid (over 8 days)!

Marg, I have a north front porch, I like it because it's cool, can greet neighbors while Kodie plays with Bella (neighbor's puppy), we had a night like this last night, in my nightshirt, sharing a diet soda together, it was nice.  We enjoy our time together as well as the pups.  Had to bring Kodie in and bathe him, luckily he dried off for the most part before bedtime.

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