If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

Thinking of you too, Gin.  And your son, daughter and brother.  That’s just too much.  We are so helpless and that is soooo frustrating.  

Let us know how YOU are doing in all this.  💖

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Just came across this passage in Ecclesiastes 4, so true!  No wonder we're depressed!  Being alone is hard.
 

I don’t read scripture, but I get the meaning in what you posted.  There is never an end to trying to explain this being alone.  No one perfect description.  But all of them help to validate the weight of it.  Unfortunately, validation doesn’t make it necessarily lighter.  My only solace is I am not alone in this.

[Margm]

I didn't cook, Kelli did.  We had Thanksgiving at the townhouse she and Scott rent.  She worked so hard.  She put up her Christmas tree, decorations outside.  I was sitting in the living room looked over at my son with the window behind him and saw my dad.  He has looked like my dad so many times.  Yet, children pictures of him and Billy, if you didn't know, you couldn't tell (except Billy's pictures were older).  

There were four of us.  We came home before dark.  I have decided, it is tough doing without our loved ones every day, but holidays, past holidays remembered, and special days makes it worse.  Grandparents, us young married with one and only great grandchild.  All relatives, all gone now.  (Scott and I, the lone survivors (and two cousins).  I will miss Billy just as much tomorrow as today, in my own way, but it will not be the intensity of holidays.  

Gin, I'm sorry for your hard times, like my neighbor Hettie told me "As we get older, things are going to happen" and those were not the exact words, but I do know it is happening.  Learned another friend has terminal lung cancer this week.  

Hallmark movies not your thing?  "Hillbilly Elegy" is put out by Ron Howard.  True book of life of a Yale lawyer, and he has nothing sparkling about himself except he "escaped."  It is not getting good reviews.  I read the book and then saw the movie.  (Netflix) Glenn Close and Amy Adams will be up for awards.  The reality is even though location is Appalachia, it could be in the seedy portions of any city or small town, this is living now (without the pandemic).  Then there is another called "The Devil All the Time" and all I can say is go with caution on this last one.  But, if happily ever after is not your thing, then try watching these two.  I have to watch Hallmark for a month just to get reality out of my life.  People used to ask me why I liked to watch animated movies, they are not life like.  I told them I live life, I want relief some times.  

Tomorrow will be another day.  We don't face "days" except "every day" until Christmas, then New Years.  Etc.  

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

Tomorrow will be another day.  We don't face "days" except "every day" until Christmas, then New Years.  Etc.  

Mine of feeling down about holidays won’t end til January getting thru what would have been our 38th anniversary.  If his birthday, day of loss, my birthday and today are any indication, it’s gonna be a rough haul this year.  Add in dodging as much Xmas ads, politics and the pandemic.  It’s all too much.

[Margm]

1 minute ago, Gwenivere said:

 It’s all too much.

Nah, it is just an everyday thing for a fighter like you.  Your our Wonder Woman, you have this.  You have stomped on things worse than this and came out on the other side.  It is no fun, but your a fighter.  I know you get tired, but that is when your mind overcomes all this and you fight harder.  

“A fighter never gives up. His scars are his ornaments. He may never be whole, yet he’s bigger than all his battles and beautiful, even in his brokenness.”― Mona Soorma, Soul Food And Instant Karma

I do wish we did not have this COVID thing.  They  took Kelli's best friend to the  ICU.  She has two nephrostomy tubes, pneumonia, septic from a crimped tube and urine all throughout her system.  She was so septic she could not make any sense and when they put her in the ICU, found out she has COVID also.  Her son was murdered, shot in the back by the boyfriend of his ex-wife who he had won custody of his child.  She (her friend) was living in and paying the notes on her mom's house.  Sister and mom evicted her.  Police won't let them yet.  Can you imagine doing this to your family?  She has a place to live if she gets out of the hospital this time, her husband is doing all he can.  She didn't see him in the hall (he cannot be with her, of course), so she got up, pulled every tube out, got her clothes on and was leaving.  They have her in soft restraints now.  Kelli talked to her on phone today and it is the first day in awhile she has made sense.  She has her husband and another son, but that girl is so sick.  

We are women, we are fighters, because we can do nothing else.  

[KarenK]

I fixed the "pop in the oven frozen" turkey breast that we decided to try. Could have saved the $11 and the small effort and "popped" it in the garbage as that's what it tasted like. The dogs will enjoy the leftovers.

Ron always fixed such delicious Thanksgiving dinners. He liked doing it. I like cutting corners, but this was ridiculous. I'm sure he's looking down shaking his head. Back to the real thing next year.

Free previews of premium channels for 5 days so I'm watching several of the newer movies. So far, "The Invisible Man", "Joker", and "Richard Jewell" have been good. Sadly, the highlight of my so called "thanksgiving".

[kayc]

On 11/26/2020 at 5:36 AM, kayc said:

⁹ Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
¹⁰ If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.

This is us now that we've lost our mate!  To all of us who are "alone" with no one to help them up.  I can relate to the passage here, I know it was kind of a doom & gloom passage to quote on Thanksgiving, but people truly don't get how it is to be alone during not only the pandemic, but the holidays, and EVERY day!  Now my sister Peggy has joined the club.  Two people supposed to bring her TG dinner, neither one showed or called.  No one checked on her except me and my sisters and I didn't cook so couldn't bring her anything, I'd made arrangements for a friend to bring her dinner but Peggy canceled it because two others were going to...I wish she hadn't.  She didn't eat until 7 pm when she finally gave up and made herself a sandwich.  This is her life now and we all understand it way too much. 

19 hours ago, Gin said:

My brother suddenly went from mild dementia to severe.  He is now in a nursing home with no visitors allowed.  His wife diesd last Jan.  I do not think he even knows who I am on the phone anymore, but I call him every day.

I am so sorry Gin, for all you are going through with your family, I understand, having been through my mom's dementia and my sisters' disabilities.  This is a crummy year and not much good to write home about.

 

[Gwenivere]

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

Your our Wonder Woman, you have this.  You have stomped on things worse than this and came out on the other side.  It is no fun, but your a fighter.  I know you get tired, but that is when your mind overcomes all this and you fight harder.  

I’m not sure I’ll live up to it this time.  This back thing is truly immobilizing me.  Every day now I wonder if this is it.  I’ll collapse or go crazy from the pain.  Add in the holidays and overwhelming grief this year and I’m thinking it’s time to checkout.  I didn’t want to say anything about feeling that way, but I do.  Every day.  Darned primitive survival thing in my way. Fear.  It’s hard to describe.  I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live this life as it is.  I’ve spent years adapting and hung in there well until the last 18 months.  I suspect a change in thyroid meds may be responsible for the rapid decline physically.  So many symptoms of low thyroid yet my numbers are better.  It makes no sense.  So on top of this I’m losing sleep, can’t move much and it’s compromising my thinking.  The only thing offered is the radical surgery I don’t think I can handle.  Plus that doesn’t address some pain they believe is vascular. The only driving decision maker is pain, not my rational mind.  Fear too about rehab and complications.  The topper is doing this alone.  All that would have to be set in place.  Dog, house, birds. I’ve gotten suggestions which are good, but I am hard pressed to carry them out.  I know there is help out there for all this, but I’m too tired to track it down.  My feeling inside is.....I’m done.  I’m tired of fighting.   I look back and do see a warrior from 2009 until last year.  For a few years without Steve I was able to coexist with the grief because my body worked.  Not at prime, but didn’t expect it to.  I could make a difference in small ways.  But those are lost now.  I take up space now and probably shouldn’t be living alone.  I could go on and on whining.  That’s what’s become of a once vibrant me.  And THAT is what is killing me as much as the physical. 😓

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I take up space now and probably shouldn’t be living alone.  I could go on and on whining.  That’s what’s become of a once vibrant me.  And THAT is what is killing me as much as the physical. 😓

Gwen:  I feel your sadness as you say you are of no worth due to your health issues.   The most difficult part besides needing your Steve is the grief you have had to face this past year and now trying to find a way to address the surgery.  If you need to whine, you know you can whine here as much as you want.  We all care for you.  Love and hugs you will find the strength as you get through another day, Dee 😢

[nashreed]

I'm so sorry Gwen. I truly understand what you're going through. My Annette had terrible Rheumatoid Arthritis, and I suspect that might have been a factor in way she passed. Not only did her body give out, but her will to live was compromised by the pain. She had been on Prednisone for 20 years or more, and the weight gain put a tremendous strain on her body. Her BMI was something crazy like 64. Instead of her suffering, I often encouraged her to take an extra Pred- probably not a good idea. She was also on opioids and she wore pain patches like clothing. 

I wish that I had encouragement and motivation for you. I truly know what your pain is like. I'm so glad Annette didn't have to face her struggles alone. I know that your posts help me- we help each other get through this grief and the forum wouldn't be the same without you. I know that personally, I am fine with leaving this earth. I don't fear it. Maybe it has something to do with faith, of knowing that "you're right with God", as they say.  I could never end my life myself. It's not because I fear death- I don't, I just can't risk not being with Annette. 

I pray for a miracle for you, something that will help relieve your suffering. I truly hope for the best for you, Gwen. I really wish we all lived in the same neighborhood so we could help each other through these terrible times.

[Margm]

There is nothing about me that can be fixed.  It has lasted six years and I think if I lived alone it would be easier.  I love that little girl so much though that I fear the trauma of her finding me deceased.  So, I will try to keep on..  I'll go when it is time and nothing I can do about that.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, James.  It’s been another tough day, as usual, but it very much helps to come home and feel someone cares.  I know so many here do.  What I forget is  to thank all of you enough.  I get so caught up in how the world is changing and facing it alone.  But this is a sacred sanctuary of the greatest people.  It’s so odd to wish we hadn’t, but that would mean none would be suffering.  So as we do have to deal with the realities of life, we’re fortunate to have each other.  💖

I’m sorry your Annette suffered so much.  That any of our partners did.  I know Steve had to grapple with horrid pain too.  Sudden loss is a thief too.  

Marg, the docs claim they can 'fix' me.  They don’t know I know better than to believe that.  That are no guarantees.  I like it better when they are honest.  What I face isn’t minor like my gall bladder.  This involves bones and nerves.  I’m grateful one if the surgeons was honest with me.  We deserve to make these decisions with all possibilities.

 

[kayc]

Gwen, my heart aches for you, yet I understand fully everything you just wrote.  There is nothing compares to pain and it's overwhelming.  I know that Peggy's back surgery fixed things for her but it was a hard road getting there, not instant.  And she was suicidal.  The pain Rx made her throw up all her other Rxs and she was crazy from it, seriously.  But she had Bert, and after she got out of rehab he took complete care of her, housework, cooking, laundry, helping her get around, driving her places.  It scares me for her if she should fall again...and she's fallen often in the past.  She's large and inactive all her life so she usually does damage.  

I, too, wish doctors would be honest.  My hand surgeon certainly was not!  TG night and yesterday my hand was very swollen and sore!  Monday will be three weeks.  I fear it snowing, no way can I shovel it.  The wood guy messed up my storage pile and it was all getting wet so I had to restack and cover it and told him thanks but I can manage now.  It's less work doing it myself!  He doesn't remember or get it if I tell him something.

Never heard back from the contractor.  Will have to call again Monday.

I wish I could give you the incentive to go on, but I also realize when someone's reached saturation point.  All I can do is send you my love and pray...if ever we need a miracle it would be now.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

But she had Bert, and after she got out of rehab he took complete care of her

That sums it up right there.  I dread rehab and then coming home to be alone.  I already feel I am going crazy.  That’s why I get so depressed living with this as my only gamble option.  Even if things are horrid, having someone to care for you that loves you matters the most.  

I’m so sorry about your hand.  My looking from the other side of the fence envies you can walk.  But I can understand not being able to use your hand.  We need all our body to truly function.

just made a trek to the mailbox and found yet again, another day in this mess.  Had to trek out again to start Steve’s van and a delivery came when I got inside.  I asked the guy to please put it by the door (I would go inside) but he wouldn’t.  Said he had too many other deliveries.  So stairs again.  Going to call the company in full livid mode.  That’s another side effect of pain.  Plus he was a bad rep for their company.  It’s gonna be challenge enough to install this perch for my birds.  

On the plus side, I’m going to make our traditional donation to a food bank we have always given to for Xmas.  It’s just filling out numbers and will do good, wish we still did the actual buying and delivering to them.  That was always warmly rewarding.  Another way I miss my big guy.  😢

[nashreed]

You're such a good person, Gwen. I don't understand why bad luck happens to good people while truly evil people (current occupant of the White House, for example) survive and thrive. It makes no sense, and life is not fair. 

I was there as much as I could be for Annette, and she still didn't want to do rehab. Of course, even in May, I couldn't have visited her and it would have been for two weeks. She had already been in the hospital for two weeks before that. Maybe if she had been in the rehab, she might have survived. She was saying that on the first day she was there, they didn't even have her insulin ordered, so I really don't know. It seemed like a shady place.

[Gwenivere]

I was in rehab the beginning of the year for complicated pneumonia from E. coli.  It was an odd infection.  Rehab was hell.  No control.  No real visitors except one woman who bought me some clothes and things from home.  I hated the loss of control and having to eat when they said.  Some nice aides and nurses,  but mostly retry indifferent staff.  No privacy.  Had to shower when they said or you missed out. Ugh, gotta stop thinking about it.  It was too depressing without Steve.  This was pre covid.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I asked the guy to please put it by the door (I would go inside) but he wouldn’t.

OMG, I'd hate to have his karma!  How horrible and insensitive of him!  Would only take a second.  I'd work overtime for that, what a terrible deliveryman!  Like the guy from Reddaway that left my huge generator on the street.  I have a 15% grade driveway, how did he think I was going to get it onto my back patio?  It's asphalt driveway and 40' ramp to my patio, I'd already talked about it with the company, he said "roadside delivery" but that's not what they told me, they said as long as it wasn't gravel they'd bring it where I wanted it.  I was so lucky, my neighbor had it up on my patio before he could even drive away!  God bless my neighbors!

[Gwenivere]

Hope you called and griped.  I did about that small package.  I was actually nice and told Chewy.com that this reflected poorly on their name.  The rep looked it up and saw it was a carrier they hired for the rush and and saw other complaints.  She appreciated the feedback and apologized.  At least calling gave feedback.  If it continued and they ignored it, that would be bad.  I don’t think I will be ordering from them much, but ya never know.  They had a bird thing I couldn’t find anywhere else.  If I get more homebound (gawd forbid but it’s bad) I might dog food from them. I complained to Amazon about how they filled an order wrong and they gave it to me for free.  Got 4 inch instead of 5 inch pillars.  It’s always worth a call if things aren’t right.  I then feel at least I tried.

[Margm]

My history is on here so many times and I don't need to keep repeating it.  I'm sorry.  Just did some heavy unnecessary thinking, memories I didn't want to think about, but it did make me see things I had forgot.  Kind of like all of these plastic tubs with the tops on them with duct tape with contents written on them.  I can open one of the boxes and the memories make me depressed the whole day and that is just opening and closing them.  

Just a phone call brought this on.  It has been five years.  But, like my grandma said, "seems like yesterday."

[nashreed]

That's pretty cool, Gwen. Annette and I both never complained about anything, unless it involved actually losing money, but poor food, poor service- we let it slide. I never actually looked at it as helping the company. Of course, our years of working customer service affected that. We both worked fast food and knew how hard it was and didn't complain. I guess it's ok to. 

[Gin]

Marge,  because we loved them so much and couldn’t bear to lose them!!  Been 5 years for me, also.  Can’t believe I made it this long without him.  Gin

[Margm]

Okay, I was feeling let down by Billy.  (I've since gone and talked this all out with my sister).  Billy was a planner.  When we had to help save Scott from the drugs we got "off the road," sold the RV, bought a house in a town where it was known to have a small art community.  We moved Scott in with us and he got himself off drugs.  No one he knew, not close to where he knew the suppliers.  He stayed in the house, in his bedroom with adjoining bath, and he stayed alone for awhile, then he started coming around us, eventually he was clean..  Billy planned.  And yes, according to my sister, everyone thought I was dying.  Except me..  He and I did not discuss death because death was denied by me, for either of us.  Somehow, even 30 years later, if you have had cancer, in the back of your mind you are never clear of it.  I remember saying to Billy, "I guess I've had cancer for over 30 years" and he agreed with me.  Doctor's had cleared me but I never believed them.  My cup was half empty all the time.  

So, Billy did not let me down.  Death itself was something I would not talk about.  I always believed as long as you are breathing, there is still life.  

Billy was never superstitious.  Well, my mind still believed in fairies and wood sprites and miracles.  That all disappeared when Billy left.  My mom used to see what she called as her Angels.  She saw them last over my dad's bed when he died.  It calmed her.  

I feel things a lot of times, things like I ought not to be in places and would have to leave.  I heard the voices ahead of us going up Signal Mountain in the Gila Wilderness in NM.  I heard them very plain, more than one woman.  Billy said he heard them too.  When we got to the top there was no one and no way for them to leave except to walk by us.  I read in one of the pamphlets about the area that the voices had been heard before.  I was telling someone about them when we got back home and had Billy back me up.  Billy said "I didn't hear a thing."  The rascal.  

In the ambulance with us was two little girls about five years old, black hair in matching (except for color) old fashioned pinafore dresses.  Favored Darla on the Little Rascals from a hundred years ago.  They rode all the way with us.  One sitting on the step at driver's entrance, another sitting on opposite step.  I can still see them in my mind. (Even though at that time I was in and out of coma).  I asked about them when they were unloading me and of course no one else had seen them.  

We never talked about it and I never planned for sure what I would do if Billy died.  We did not speak of it at all when I was sick.  He didn't let me down, he just faced reality.  I do not like reality. I try not to go there often and I'm sorry I visited there yesterday and today.  I'm okay again, as okay as any of us can be.

[Gwenivere]

Every day I wake up to belief Steve is gone.  I get up every day with a gaping hole in my heart.  Each day becomes a little harder to manage knowing this truth.  This is more than missing someone.  This is trying to live when the desire to do is so challenged.   

[Margm]

I have said all along that Billy and I didn't discuss either of us dying.  That was a forgotten memory that my sister just reminded me of.  We did talk about it.  Whichever went first would just take the other's ashes along where ever we went.  I just never really thought about it anymore, we were not serious.  That would have been serious only if one of us was to die.  That was not going to happen.  I wished I had talked to my sister before I poured my heart out on here.  Sometimes we forget, but yes Billy had to remember because everyone except me thought I was going to die.  Sometimes I let my heart get ahead of my brain.  My stupid feelings were hurt that he was planning another life.  Maybe some guilt because I should have gone first.

Sometimes I think I have a handle on it Gwen, sometimes I think I'm doing okay, then some little something does knock the scar tissue off.

[Gwenivere]

I’m glad you poured your heart out here.  We all help each other with shared memories.  We talked about dying too when it wasn’t a real issue and when it became real with him, the tone changed.  Reality does that.  It is ironic the condition you were in.  Yup, it doesn’t take much to lose that scar tissue. It never has enough time to heal and never will.