If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

I try not to listen to the news.  I did tonight, CBS Evening News and talking about COVID and the Thanksgiving numbers, and I don't think those numbers are in yet but it showed the picture of this Michigan couple married for, I think, 47 years.  It was said they did everything together and they each died within 60 seconds of the other.  Only in this group can we possibly understand and give a thumbs up for both of them.  

[nashreed]

So freaking jealous....

 

[Margm]

So sad for the family but I am crying but smiling for the couple.  Ironically, I've told this too, the grown son wanted to give an anniversary party for his parents.  I cannot remember the number, it was wonderful, in the 60's in number of years.  I remember the man was getting out of high school when I first remember him.  He was the oldest and his dad was one of three deacons with my dad in this small Missionary Baptist Church.  There were, I think, 28 at the party.  One of the servers had COVID (and had no symptoms).  I think 24 out of the 28 came down with the virus.  One man, "in-law" by relation had gone so he could see his great grandchildren, which also were the great grandchildren of the anniversary couple.  The "in-law" passed away first, next the anniversary wife, and about 3-4 days later, maybe sooner, the anniversary husband passed.  It was their last anniversary and will haunt that son the rest of his life.  Some people think it is a hoax for political purposes.  Our politics are insane.  

[scba]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

So sad for the family but I am crying but smiling for the couple.  Ironically, I've told this too, the grown son wanted to give an anniversary party for his parents.  I cannot remember the number, it was wonderful, in the 60's in number of years.  I remember the man was getting out of high school when I first remember him.  He was the oldest and his dad was one of three deacons with my dad in this small Missionary Baptist Church.  There were, I think, 28 at the party.  One of the servers had COVID (and had no symptoms).  I think 24 out of the 28 came down with the virus.  One man, "in-law" by relation had gone so he could see his great grandchildren, which also were the great grandchildren of the anniversary couple.  The "in-law" passed away first, next the anniversary wife, and about 3-4 days later, maybe sooner, the anniversary husband passed.  It was their last anniversary and will haunt that son the rest of his life.  Some people think it is a hoax for political purposes.  Our politics are insane.  

Even Christmas is subject of political purposes. In Europe there's a battle to champion Christmas and the need/right to gather with family who doesn't share the same rooftop. People were out buying Black Friday's discounts and Xmas gifts. Cause, who is going to be brave enough to cancel Xmas for the sake of NHS?

The days of applauses and rainbows are over. 

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I heard about the couple that passed away within a minute of each other.  They didn’t say if they could see each other.  I doubt it.  I feel for their family, but neither will have to carry grief or any long lasting effects covid is known to do.  This truly is an insane time in history.  So much pain for so many people.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 So much pain for so many people.  

I keep thinking if we had news in 1918-1919 (year my  dad was born) how they would be announcing it. I think they called it the Spanish flu.  We once went way up into a mountain, no other towns, road twisted up to the top entrance into the Gila Wilderness.  It was a booming little mining town named Mogollon, NM.  I guess it is a ghost town, but they still have people carrying on business and living there.  Like living on an island in the sky.  I went down to their cemetery and they were most all dated 1918 as date of death.  Had to have brought it in from Reserve, Glenwood, or Silver City.  Wiped them out nearly.  We had no money when we were first married and lived from payday to payday all our life.  We didn't have any idea how those people lived and died, but we are learning.  

[Gwenivere]

There’s another ghost town in NM called Madrid.  I bought a wedding dress there at an antiques store because it was from the 1920's.  Had no idea I would actually use it but did for my first marriage.  Had to have it enhanced for my height in the front.  Had the coolest 6 foot train and was all satin and simple.  Hard part was getting in and out of it as they put the zipper up the side. I see the box in the garage now and then.  Steve and I married in jeans in Reno.  Got on the plane back to San Francisco where we lived at the time with literary less than a dollar in change.  I made one big win and bought us breakfast.  Good thing too as we were lousy gamblers.  Got in debt for the plane because we missed our train getting in too late the night before.  $7 to get there, $53 to get back and no refunds.  Both weddings were fun, but only one husband that was the greatest.  ❤️

[kayc]

I hadn't heard about that couple, always nice to see human interest stories like that.  Breaks through the gloom of COVID-19 and politics.

[KarenK]

A sad "blast from the past" for me yesterday. The 2 son's of my original next door neighbors(from 50 years ago) dropped by to tell me that their mom had passed away. Their dad had passed a few years ago. The sons grew up with my daughter. Such a nice family. She was my son's first sitter when I returned to work. He was a minister as well as a computer genius and financial wizard. Sadly for us, but great for them, he was offered a job at a large brokerage firm in Ca so they moved away. They dropped by whenever they were visiting nearby relatives. They eventually retired to a nearby town. She and her sister visited me after Ron left and the oldest son called me after Debbie left. Just very caring people. I'm sorry that she is gone. RIP, Pat.

[kayc]

I'm sorry, Karen.  But at this point I kind of feel those that pass are the lucky ones, it's those of us left here alone and struggling that I'm sorry for.  We miss those gone before us though, every day more to miss.

[KarenK]

I'm sure there's a scientific explanation for this. I find it interesting, a bit scary, but in some ways comforting that as we get older we can clearly recall events from 50-60 years ago, but can't remember what we had for dinner 2 nights ago. I became aware of this when I was a teen volunteer at a nursing home. A sweet 90 something year old lady couldn't remember who you were from week to week, but could relate with precision her stories of coming West on a covered wagon with her family. For no reason at all except that it was a fun time in my life, I clearly recall getting my very first pair of boots at age 11. My little mother driving us to Jackson, Wy from Colter Bay where we lived. It only took one horse stepping on my foot in those flip flops to realize a change was needed. That was also the day I got my very first records(45's!!!). "Please Help Me I'm Fallin'" by Hank Locklin and "Don't Take Your Guns To Town" by the great Johnny Cash. I played them endlessly on a little Victrola. Perhaps this is our mind's way of self preservation sending us back to an existence we enjoyed instead of the now blah one we find ourselves in.

[nashreed]

It's funny that I can remember some things distinctly (like the first 2 45's I got with my own money), but not what I'm doing or thinking in pictures with Annette. 

[Margm]

Five years later, I am just discovering things I forgot.  Not from memory.  The fog I was in was too deep to remember that period of time.  I was moving and suggested someone had picked up Billy's fly rods that he had wrapped blanks and were crafted by him.  He loved doing that.  I lost a rod he had wrapped for me falling out of a pirogue many years ago.  He had put my name on it and it was purple and gold.  I will never fly fish again, did not like fly fishing, but I hated them being picked up by a man that was throwing things in the back of his truck, even a water hose.  I could have told him to quit, but I did not have a "mind" at that time.  This was a month or so after Billy had left.  I mentioned it and my son had got every one of them.  He won't fly fish, but my daughter will.  When this happens, you are in a black fog that you cannot see or really remember.  It does not really clear up to where you remember.  My psychiatrist told me sometimes the mind does that as a protection for you and your cognitive function.  I call it protection.  Some things I have to forget willingly.

[KarenK]

Marg, one thing I draw a complete blank on is Xmas as a child. I' m sure they were wonderful as I was an only child and very spoiled. I also don't remember much of Xmas with my kids, except we always had beautiful trees and tons of presents. Over my adult years, I accumulated 38 large boxes of ornaments and expensive decorations. My favorite thing was day after Xmas shopping at high end stores. Heck, I remember flying over to San Diego one year just to shop at Seaport Village during one of our more "flush" years.  lol  Now, I can barely stand Xmas. I'm glad I don't have young grandchildren. I wouldn't want to ruin their special time.

I'm glad your son found the fly rods. Even today, I'm crushed that we had to sell the giant gun safe and most of the guns and a lot of other things that Ron loved,, but it was a matter of survival. Unfortunately, I was in my right mind and watched it go. The thing that hurt most was my cabin. All water under the bridge now.

[Margm]

Karen, I cannot imagine living in a more beautiful place than where we lived.  The house was built in 1965, but someone had kept it up and made improvements.  Everything was fixed so elderly could get out of a tub, hold on while showering, and so many closets and rooms we didn't even use.  The surroundings though.  I cannot describe like a picture the daffodil wildly growing everywhere, the pink dogwood, the beautiful terrain.  All built in hills and valleys where the woods were the foremost things you saw.  Someone had a green thumb (not me) and each season the apple trees flowered and I had an orange rose bush that was beautiful.  Somehow, I managed to kill the rose bush and the apple trees and after I left the huge, flowering pink dogwood split right down the center and died.  There was a lilac bush on the side of the house I never went on and it flourished.  My sister bought me a gardenia bonsai bush for the house.  Brianna named it Keith.  I have managed to kill Keith too.   The dogwood went back to its graft and the rest was dead.  Without Billy there, that place was just a pretty place for someone else to keep up, not me.  I needed to leave while the iris's still bloomed, the spider lilies, and all the other bulbs that had washed downhill to the little stream at the bottom of the hill.  Funny, paradise for one person is hell for another.  I did not put it on the market.  I leased it and now they are having it put in their name.  Does not cost me a cent, and I didn't ask for any money for it either.  

But the Christmas's when I was a child, I remember most of them.  Enough that when they told me there was not a Santa Claus I did not believe them.  The seven years I was on the amphetamines to keep me awake so I could work at night, I have forgot.  I can remember little things over 70 years ago like it was yesterday, but five minutes ago, I cannot remember.  And Heaven help me if my system goes astray and I do not put my glasses, phone, keys, purse, etc. in the place it goes.  My mind won't remember where I lost them, so that does not happen very often.  

[Gwenivere]

Memories are so hit and miss for me now.  I had such a great one til Steve left.  What annoys me is the time before his death are etched in deeply.  I try and shift to good times we had during that time.  

I cant put dates or ages to my childhood ones, but they are vivid.  Theory is we were more blank skates and as we age, our brains have to decide what we keep, purge to make room and add new ones.  I certainly need help placing some of mine.  Sometimes it’s shocking my some of my favs were 20 years ago!  

The last 6 years have provided none that come close to my best ones.  Most were from volunteering.  It’s been so sad that it’s been a year that I’ve lost that source.  I’m living my biggest fear.....hermitude.  I don’t know if it will ever end.  

Marg...stay away from plants!  I have to too.  🌺

[Margm]

I just think those seven years of amphetamines and cold turkey withdrawal may have crystalized some basic brain functions.  Some times I'm not "just right" even with all those years psychotherapy.  

[KarenK]

It does sound like a beautiful place, Marg. Strange about the plants. I'm not a "plant" person either. I understand your need to get away. If I had the means and the energy, I'd be gone from here in a heartbeat. I still see Ron in every room, especially this one where we spent the majority of our time. It's also the room where he died.

In line with your theory Gwen, I really think a lot of my early memories as well as good ones were simply stomped out and replaced with bad ones during the years of mental abuse and yelling that I lived with, even though we had good years too. It's kind of hard to erase those when there's nothing new to replace them.

[scba]

I can totally relate with your sharing.

I just remember the Xmas from my childhood. Big tables, lots of people, so much joy and fun. Until my grandpa passed and the fight for his money started. I don't remember any Xmas since then. I spent a Xmas with my bf in hospital and I was so so so upset caused I had planned a Xmas breakfast for the two of us. He and his family tried to cheer me up and I couldn't. I regret my behavior.

In a couple of days, that feeling will start raising inside my chest and I will spend days fighting against it. None knows but that's my Xmas. 

So, I have cancelled the celebration of Xmas, New Year and my brain will keep erasing them once they are over. 

[kayc]

I think I've blocked out a lot of memories...I can remember but choose not to go there because they were full of abuse and pain.  Some of my best memories are with George and my kids but the ones with my kids were often painful because of their dad.  To say he was not always pleasant is putting it nicely.

  Same with my parents, it was bad mostly.  Very few good memories.

[Gwenivere]

Another part of grief I abhor is the memory thing.  Feeling so empty as the norm makes it easier for the last years we spent with a medical housemate knowing they weren’t leaving without him is a challenge every day.

it taints my good ones because we can’t share them.  They live in me only. I can tell others, but it’s not the same.  Think of how fun it was getting together with your bestie as teens or adults and laughing when saying 'remember when.......'.  Now with others it’s a story, not a shared bond.  

Im tired of stories.  Parched for new memories in the plus column as I sure have been adding to the debit side and no contributions to savings.   I live such a routine life now.  Occasional variation, but even-those make me nervous to try as a loner now.  The oft complaint of my physical pain even bores me as I talk here about it so much, but it’s part of me that exists when I move to go do anything that requires standing or walking.  It’s hell to have to spend your whole day in dread of moving.  I so want to go places to kill time, but it winds up killing me.

these are not the times of good memories for us all with the pandemic.  Hard for us that have  no one.  Hard if you do, but it is strained for whatever reason.  Financially, mentally, emotionally, physically.  Yet I see people all around me carrying on with purpose and that’s hard.  Knowing how much different this would be if we had our partners.  Might not create great memories, but ones we could share.  I know there would be laughter with him.  Steve was a master of harnessing energy to stave off boredom.   I don’t think he even knew the meaning of the word.  Down time to him meant a nap and back to it.  He’d have so many projects being homebound it would make my head swim.  

I,d really like to go swimming.  Have some new thing to learn he’d deem necessary to be caught up in the tech world.  Streaming TV, hearing him compose new music, try new recipes.  Create a survival life like unaffected by death families.  

Sadly, the news is bringing this to too many doors now.  To see nurses crying in TV is heartbreaking.  

 

 

 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I so want to go places to kill time, but it winds up killing me.

That's how I'm feeling with my hands...it's been one month since the surgery, they're still swollen and sore around the incision site, long after the skin healed.  I want and need to be self-sufficient, I've looked around and trust me, there's no one else here to do it!  But every little thing that I do seems to prolong my pain.  And then there's the other hand which is badly in need of surgery.  But will it help?  Can't do this again in the winter.

Still no bid from contractor or timetable.  It'd help to know what I'm up against.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Steve was a master of harnessing energy to stave off boredom.

If George were here, life would be shared and that sharedness would be a warm fuzzy in itself.  He had so much zest for life!  But all we needed was each other to be happy.  He'd have done okay in this, but not without me here beside him.  What a difference that makes!

[Kieron]

A small blessing here is that with no snow, the landscape resembles early November and I can go on pretending Christmas is a long way off.  But  I know it's 2 weeks away and I am just dreading it.  At least last year I could do something enjoyable for a bit, but now?  Fugeddaboudit.

I need me some of this:

[nashreed]

It's a cloudy day in sunny California, and there's more than a fair amount of seasonal depression. I have to go to the store and if I hear Christmas music, it will probably lead to a panic attack. 

And I'm so damn lonely. I sometimes literally keep hopping back from Facebook to here, looking for somebody, anybody, anything to connect with or to...but it's often pretty quiet 'round here, so I just post to myself today. I hate living without Annette. I hate it and I don't want to live with nothing to look forward to. The "new normal"....