If You're Going Through Hell

[nashreed]

I understand. I often wonder if I'm just not a very nice person. I always tried to be "up" for Annette- I always loved to make her laugh, and I tried to distract her from her pain and problems. Without her, I don't think I'm nice. I'm not social. I can't make small talk. I can't look people in the eye, and with masks now, my voice is really hard to understand. I'm selfish, and I regret all the "me" time I took that I could have been with Annette.

The problem is, like you say- I lost my better half. I lost the good part of me. All that's left is a shy, insecure, selfish kinda jerk. I want to be a good person for her, but it's harder... a lot harder. 

It made me feel better when I visited my father-in-law and his family has a big, friendly dog that I'd never met before. He started sniffing and licking me and didn't bark- maybe that means I'm not too bad. Dogs can tell if you're a bad person and won't like you. That's why a certain President doesn't have one. 

[Margm]

I hate it if Christmas is sad.  We see neighbors having happy times (although cannot be too many of them).  We are all under a dark blanket holding us down.  Then I think, I'm warm, I have TV, books, a family that sometimes aggravates, but most time  just loves this old Grinch.  I think about all those kids in cages at the border that their parents did not mean to lose them, but they only have strangers for family, and possible memories of hard times, but not alone times.  Our life is painful, some of it is physically painful, the rest is mentally painful. I hope the people sleeping on the streets can find warm rags and maybe a box or shelter. I hope they don't go hungry, but some are too proud to ask for help.  I have it easy compared to a real big bunch of people.  I miss my Billy, especially the one I finally  grew up with.  I wish each of you a soft bed, enough to eat, and a warm roof over your head.  The words "Merry, blessed" are words we have to define.   Happy is not one of them. It is a holiday really signifying something magnificent.    Does not help the loneliness and the day afterward will be just another day, and they are all just another day.  I say I've got to go home when I'm visiting (used to visit), but there never was a home without Mama and Daddy, and then without Billy.  My sister just left. She could hardly breathe.  Another worry. 

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

You weren’t a grinch before losing Billy, right Marg?

Oh my friend, I think I've always been a Grinch without small kids around.  I'm not a Christmas person, even before Billy left.  It got too commercial with everyone telling what they wanted, having to find it, and I just felt it should still be Santa and surprises.  

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

Christmas is far from the same here, but there is still a "we" with the guys. I would be devastated as you are if it were otherwise.

Thanks, Karen.  It definitely has been the worst eve ever.  Not expecting anything better in the morning.  Picked up MacDonalds coming home but had some leftovers instead.  Covered for tonight with the fast food.  Got so antsy around midnight I took a shower sans hair washing.  Too late for it to dry.  For a brief time it felt good.  Got a package from my cousin with all kinds of colored pens and coloring books.  She knows I am an artist and has been pushing me to get back into it.  I called and thanked her and asked 'are you hinting at something?'.  I know I won’t use them, but she doesn’t need to know that.  It made her happy to send it and that’s what matters.  I wish I did feel like drawing again, but I don’t which means I can’t.  It comes from the heart like love for me.   Not a suffering one.  

I’m glad you feel enough to put up your tree.  And you have your guys.  

I’m hoping the pain will let up a bit in the morning so I can maybe see a couple people at the community center.  It’s not for very long as it’s after dark.  I hate the dark away from home now.  It’s loneliness intensified.  I can’t think of anything that could feel worse.  

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

I hate it if Christmas is sad.  We see neighbors having happy times (although cannot be too many of them).  We are all under a dark blanket holding us down.  Then I think, I'm warm, I have TV, books, a family that sometimes aggravates, but most time  just loves this old Grinch. 

I understand your list post about the kids separated and the homeless.  And I have a home, warmth, tv and books.  It’s the lack of family thing that weighs me down.  Comparisons have never made me feel better, just sadder about the state of life for others I can’t change or barely influence.  I can make donations.  Maybe that works for some, but we each have to live where we are mentally.  There are people out on the street who don’t want what I have.  Seattle has offered hotel rooms to them and they turn it down.  So we don’t know what others need or want or for what reasons.  

I’m grateful for what I have.  I know a couple homeless people that are more content because of friends they have made.   I’m glad you, also, have family that love you.  My dog, my closst companion, aggravates me too, but I’d be totally lost without her.  To her I am unconditionally loved.  It’s not him, but that is lost to me in this life forever.  Will just be glad when the holidays are over to emphasize togetherness we lost.

[kayc]

 Marg, I love that picture!  I can see George doing something like that!  He was so much fun and had so much zest for life, loved all the holidays!  Your Billy must have been a hoot to live with!  II hope Santa brought him his wish.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 It’s the physical pain and losing Ally that has made this almost unbearable. I did finally feel some true gratitude for Melody this morning.  Her prancing around with my slipper and vocalizing because I was awake.

I love it!  Kodie never fails to bring me a smile too.  The most loving little dog.  He's just what the doctor ordered this last year!

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

I wish each of you a soft bed, enough to eat, and a warm roof over your head.

Throw in "water," Marg, and I'll be happy  Always something it seems.

All of you are in my heart, always, and esp. today, my on line family, closer to me than any!  I hope each of you can find one reason to smile today, even if briefly.  When I say "I love you all,""  I truly mean it.  If Kodie met you, he'd wag his tail, spin around, (likely jump up) and bring each of you a smile!

[nashreed]

There's always a post holiday depression for me, even when Annette was alive. It seems like there was this great build-up and it wasn't bad. I had a wonderful dream of Annette on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was nice with my family. And now, it's just this empty feeling because the Christmas "spirit" is unsustainable. I'm hit with this reality of "What do I do with myself?". I told myself that I can get to Christmas ok, but now I just realize that I'm just not needed by anyone. I had been married 27 years and facing every day now just feeling so unnecessary is a reality that I was able to keep at bay for months. Now it just hits me that I'm never going to be relevant again. Even Annette's sister, who has been more than kind and texted me through many dark times, is getting back with her husband (though it's absolutely not like a relationship, it was kind of nice that we were helping each other through this- sharing stories and being supportive). It leaves me just here, alone, like a guest at my Mom's that's overstayed their welcome. No possibilities of work- I truly wouldn't know where to even think to begin. I am completely obsolete as far as skills (music retail manager, no college, over 50). This is really a time where I don't think I can face many more days. Truly, there's no place for me. My identity is gone, my reason for living is gone. 

[Margm]

Starting out religion.  Christmas is supposed to be the birth of Jesus.  Some believe, some don't.    That is not what this post is about.

It has been over five years my "Billy the Kid" has been gone.  They piled up presents at my feet.  I don't think I even gave presents last year.  I gave Brianna my bank card and had her choose presents from her for each member of the family that was present.  She did so on-line. Maybe if I ignored it, it would go away.  This year we had Christmas at my apartment.  We have never gone to a restaurant for Christmas dinner, we waste so much food.  I can stand and walk, standing at my cabinet longer than to make coffee is hell on my back.  When we had it at Kelli's townhouse, I could leave it behind me.  I know how fortunate I am to have my family.  Billy and I enabled them, and as said, would do the same thing over again.  They think they have to stay close to help me.  I have to take care of a sister who thinks she has to take care of me.  I do know how "fortunate" I am.  I do think if I am still here, I want to exchange gifts ahead of the date, possibly eat out somewhere.   All I could see was Billy sitting in his seat on the couch (which I got rid of), and his appreciation and childish happiness at opening  gifts.  Yes, I know I'm wrong, if anything can be "wrong."   Some clothes were given to me by my sister so I will quit wearing my Tee shirts and pocketed pants.  I have "dressy" clothes.  I am not supposed to go anywhere.  My best gift was the roomy masks of all different patterns.  Pitiful me. Walmart is not far from my apartment.  I have to have comfort.

My reason for this post.  No anniversary or important date (to me) is as hard as Christmas.  Billy was Christmas, even if he was not the reason for the season.  With this pandemic, the apartment trash containers are spilling over.  I heard a lot of commotion in the apartment next door either yesterday or today.  Not voices, just movement in and out.  I know the son would almost run if he saw anyone.  His mom was very ill.  The son took care of her.  She has not been out of her apartment since I've been here.  The health care workers would come and go.  I cannot fix a dish or bring food, there was a sign on the door, no entrance without a mask.  The son wanted no non-family or health worker conversation.  He was nice, but truly, silently, he wanted no stranger interference or help.  It is very quiet now.  I fear she has left..   

For me, just having that day over with helped.  I lost myself in my book, I am still able to concentrate.  I am thankful for that.  It was daylight before I realized how long I had read.  I have a second book continuing this one.  When I get over my poly-tickitis, I will read the big biography of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I have it on my Kindle.

I am mindful of all of you with physical pain and with mental pain of living without our life-partner.  I wish so much more for you all for 2021.  I am not sure what happiness is anymore, but hearing good platelet counts for my daughter provides a happy/thankful feeling.  I saw where my former pastor and his counselor wife live in the Great Smoky Mountains.  It is so beautiful, but the first thought that came to my mind after seeing the beauty was could they stand to see that beauty if one left.   They are both older than I am.  I think our Cookie must live in those mountains.  I wish each of you moments of peace.  I'm glad Christmas day is over.   

I'm sorry, sometimes I forget if I have posted something.  I will write it and let it sit there.  I meant to post this.                                            

[Gwenivere]

On 12/24/2020 at 2:18 PM, KarenK said:

Christmas is far from the same here, but there is still a "we" with the guys. I would be devastated as you are if it were otherwise.

Thanks, Karen.  It definitely has been the worst eve ever.  Not expecting anything better in the morning.  Picked up MacDonalds coming home but had some leftovers instead.  Covered for tonight with the fast food.  Got so antsy around midnight I took a shower sans hair washing.  Too late for it to dry.  For a brief time it felt good.  Got a package from my cousin with all kinds of colored pens and coloring books.  She knows I am an artist and has been pushing me to get back into it.  I called and thanked her and asked 'are you hinting at something?'.  I know I won’t use them, but she doesn’t need to know that.  It made her happy to send it and that’s what matters.  I wish I did feel like drawing again, but I don’t which means I can’t.  It comes from the heart like love for me.   Not a suffering one.  

I forgot to post the above too, Marg!  The editor brought it up when I started a reply to your latest post.

Now it’s two days after the holiday and I’m just in a fog.  I know there were lots of people enjoying the holiday like we used to.  It hurts so much to lose that.  This was happening to people when I was happy and I had no idea.  Now I’m one of them.  Going to get meals weekly now is just so odd.  I should be at home with Steve and the furry kids.  There should have been laughter, togetherness and our traditions.  We should be whining now about having to put all the decorations away because it isn’t fun, but once done glad to have the house back to normal.  

I spent today, after a really bad night of pain trying to alleviate it by sleeping on the 'good' hip.  Didn’t work, made it worse.  A trek to the lab and just got results showing my thyroid is worse again.  Iron unchanged at too low.  Did some minor shopping which was tough as this hunching makes it hard to breathe pressing on my diaphragm.  Home to unpack and then to the church for dinner.  They were really late but I got 2 so that covers another night.  By the time I changed, Fed Mel and got to sit I so needed my pain pill.  Tomorrow will probably punish me for doing stuff that isn’t hard for most.  I’m so tired of seeing people walk so easily, or at least with less restriction.  I know this can’t keep going on as the shower I took last night was so hard to do.   I can adapt to other limits as I have in so many ways already, but hygiene is something you want to do yourself.  

I have a reminder to make a list of what to go over in counseling this week.  I know the details, but really I can sum it up simply. I want Steve back.  My happy life.  But that’s not to be.  Woke up today realizing that 65 is old.  People have died recently in their 50’s.  I cannot put together how I feel in my  head with my body showing the wear and tear of time.   It’s a direct conflict.  My want of things to do hasn’t changed, my ability has.  I know I’d be more accepting if he was here to share the journey.  I now understand the crankiness of the people I’ve met as they were alone too.   The gracious aging ones have people they care about and vice versa.  I’ve made 'friends' at these new places I go, but they are so involved with each other in ways I can’t.  I’m sick of having to say I’m handicapped when I so want to do things myself.  My buddy that came by filled the dog food bin.  *I* want to do that!  I don’t want to dread getting my mail.  I’m sick of seeing this hunched over body that carries a younger brain in desires.  I thought I’d be a cool old lady.  How wrong I was.   And I hate that in myself.  I look back on my life and how I juggled the good and bad and now I wallow.  It’s hard when you dislike yourself.  People still like me.  I’m baffled why.  Ramble over.  I even feel bad writing this.  I expected so much better from myself.  When I joined here I was so much better.  Now I’m just in self pity and that’s so disappointing.

 

[nashreed]

No shame in writing the truth. That's important that you can be so honest and it helps us know your struggle and we're all friends here.  It honestly helps me get through my day, believe it or not, because I can still care about someone and I don't have a completely cold dead heart, as I feared. To have a connection to someone, even just on the internet, is about all I have. I understand your pain, because of Annette's suffering. 

I don't like myself for a lot of reasons. I don't think I have a personality. I have so much mental illness, I can't really even deal with "real" people, except for Annette, who is gone. But you have a cool personally and you can't let the pain win. I know how hard it is to be alone. I can't imagine Annette without me, but she wouldn't have given up on me. She was a fighter. There's a fight there in you too.

[Margm]

4 hours ago, nashreed said:

There's a fight there in you too.

Yes there is fight.  Billy wouldn't let me say I was old, even now.  Gwen, your younger than my sister and I worry about her next breath.  I take her trash out with my push buggy.  She can climb stairs but cannot walk any length without being out of breath.  Just learned my nephew has COVID.  He is overweight, drinks too much, I suspect alcoholic.  Billy's sister's son.  His partner has a blood disorder, has to be drained of blood fairly often.  Of course I cannot remember the word, poly something.  Going back to read my book.  Y'all please take care.  I will do the same.  

[kayc]

My son got me a snowblower (manual, you push it) for my bdy, showed it to me on Christmas.  I couldn't bring it home because too big for trunk and too heavy for m;e to lift.  I doubt I can push it anyway with my hands as they are.  He'll bring it over someday and show me how to use it, but honestly, I don't see me being able to use it any time soon.  I don't think he understands how great is my handicap right now.  It's a struggle surviving.

Marg, so sorry your nephew has COVID!  A disease no one should have to go through.  We just found out a lady in our church (she hasn't been here for a couple of years, disabled) had COVID in Aug. and still has aftereffects        .  

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't think he understands how great is my handicap right now.

kayc:  I understand what you are saying about our kids not understanding our "handicaps".  My daughter seems to grasp my situation, but my son thinks once I am all moved out of this house and living on his property I will be different in my ability to move better.   He fears losing me so much as he still hasn't faced his Dad's death straight on.  When my Mother was suffering with dementia years ago I thought moving her to a retirement home where she would be around people would solve the problem.  I wasn't being honest with myself, denying her mind was failing.  And now, here I am seeing a similar situation in my son.  Guess he comes by it honestly.  Don't get me wrong I am happy he cares but wish he'd sit and listen to me.  But, like your son, he doesn't have the time.

Maybe by the time your son has the time to instruct you how to use the snow machine your strength will return.  Dee

[kevin]

Merry Christmas and   Happy New Year     Eve was spent exchanging gifts and food(all from a distance).......Watched one Great Granddaughter go crazy on Chat open gifts...nothing has changed in 50 years except kids get 10X the toys we got..... One friend got tested positive and  is quarantined for next 12 days.  We made one grocery run for a friend.....COVID is making this a year to remember......South Africa just banned all alcohol sales..

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, nashreed said:

There's a fight there in you too.

I’m having my doubts, James.  I used to like days I didn’t have a big 'to do' list.  I have nothing today and that honestly scares me.  I could do some things, but absolutely not necessary and I know it.  I contacted the back doctor and hav a phone appointment with him tomorrow.  Then a counseling session.  This has become my life.  I feel sick all the time from meds and pain.  Drag around oxygen on a leash.  I often feel my days are numbered living like this.  How to continue on without meaning.  

Grateful for here.  But I can’t live here.  I have to live out there.  Here is safe,out there isn’t.  Sleep is relatively safe but not healthy to mind or body in extreme. I want so much to feel like something I do matters and isn’t centered on my health.  That saying is so true, if you have that it changes everything.  

Thank you for caring.  The doc tomorrow will be clinical, my counselor will listen but she can’t fix anything nor even offer suggestions as I’ve tried them all.  The thing it gives me is an hour outlet to cry with someone remotely.  She cares about me after 20+ years, but she can’t be a full fledged friend.  Boundaries and all, tho we have stretched them.   I never had to write my friends checks either.  

I’m so tired of feeling empty.  Not even grief about Steve sometimes.  Just empty.  

[nashreed]

I understand how it is to not have a purpose, to have nothing to do...today is one of those days. 

It's a very rare rainy day in California. Cold and grey, like my life. All I can do is say I know how it is to hurt all the time, and to feel useless. Annette didn't have her health, and she felt like a burden, which broke my heart. I tried to get her to exercise and be active, and I wish I had pushed harder. I feel such guilt for not being tougher with her. Maybe there's some guilt mixed in. I just don't want you to give up. But I understand. 

[Gwenivere]

I wonder if I have given up already.  When you use up your time with no enjoyment, that’s not fighting.  I never wanted or needed to fight before for life.  There was friends and interests.  Things mattered.  I see it all around me all the time.  Throwing the ball for my dog, tending to the house because it was lived in, wanting to fix my health so I could enjoy my life.  This is just routine now.  There’s no drive beyond keeping things livable from habit.  So many things I have let slide or do the bare minimum.  I’ve never felt so dead inside.  But I’ve written this so many times here, it’s getting boring for others.  I just sat outside, freezing, and threw the ball for my dog so she is winded and happy.  I feel nothing.  Just cold.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Don't get me wrong I am happy he cares but wish he'd sit and listen to me.  But, like your son, he doesn't have the time.

This popped out at me.  I often forget about the struggles that people with family have thru this.  I don’t know what it feels like to navigate this kind of thing.  My ignorant side says at least you have someone there.  I can’t imagine someone worried about losing me.  But then, if they won’t talk about it, it must add to the loneliness.  Your not only carrying the loss of your husband, but of his father too.  Men want to fix, be strong.  Even to their detriment.  I don’t have male relatives, but old friends are always trying to prop me up in ways that aren’t going to work unless we talk about it.  Maybe it’s not because they don’t have time.  It could be stuck in denial that is appearing in fear of losing you too, all they have left of their memories of an intact family.  When things were good and right.

[nashreed]

5 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I wonder if I have given up already.  When you use up your time with no enjoyment, that’s not fighting.  I never wanted or needed to fight before for life.  There was friends and interests.  Things mattered.  I see it all around me all the time.  Throwing the ball for my dog, tending to the house because it was lived in, wanting to fix my health so I could enjoy my life.  This is just routine now.  There’s no drive beyond keeping things livable from habit.  So many things I have let slide or do the bare minimum.  I’ve never felt so dead inside.  But I’ve written this so many times here, it’s getting boring for others.  I just sat outside, freezing, and threw the ball for my dog so she is winded and happy.  I feel nothing.  Just cold.

 

 

At least your dog is happy. She loves you and depends on you.  I can't even get a pet. When I feel so, so down...I think there's always somebody worse off. It's raining hard and there's homeless people in my town- freezing cold, nobody cares.... If I didn't have two people who let me live in their house, it could be me out there. I have enough mental issues to match up to them. I can scream at traffic with the best of them. When I was alone, living alone after Annette passed, I did start giving in to my mental illness. Only the project of packing and moving myself kept me focused and in check. Now that I'm here, I am ok because I don't want to be a bother to my family. But, it's good, for what it is.

I miss Annette so much, and I'll never be happy. Aside from music, life has no enjoyment. TV bores me. Food bores me. I don't have a forward drive anymore- I exist and get by because I don't want to let Annette down. I don't want to succumb to despair. I could, easily (except living with my family is kinda like being on sedatives- my emotions are dulled out). I just hope there's something better for you, if just for an hour, even if just for your doggy. It's a cliche', but where's there's life, there's hope... or at least I hope there's hope.

[Gwenivere]

I guess I don’t get the letting our partners down if we don’t tolerate, lose our spirit or flourish in the grief.  I know Steve wouldn’t have any expectations of me.  He would know this was hard and adding in how I have physically been broken down, he’d be supportive of anything I felt.  We went thru hell with his knowing he was leaving.  If anyone understood despair, it was him.  He rallied so much for his friends.  Only I knew the depth of his sadness.  I don’t feel there is one thing I do or don’t he would find any fault with.  One of the many reasons I love him so much.  He always wanted me to be me.  I think feeling they would be disappointed jusr adds pressure we don’t need.

[nashreed]

I know it's different for you. In my case, I feel like, because Annette was so immobile and hurting and visually impaired, that if I don't live life to the fullest of what's possible for me, that I would be disappointing her. Maybe it's pressure I put on myself just to motivate myself somehow. It's not working. I have no clue how to move forward or do anything without her support and love. I'm here with my family, and all they do is annoy me. They're having running commentary about the game shows we're watching, but in the evening, I just shut down. I don't feel like talking or engaging. It's more energy than I have to be a chatterbox like my brother. I guess that's a slap in the face to people who are alone and have no one. I just want Annette's company. It's selfish- I just wallowing myself, so I'm nobody's motivational speaker. 

[Gwenivere]

This seemed the best topic to post this link under.  It’s about therapy in general, but a lot can be applied to grief and loss.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/advice-from-therapists-this-year_l_5fdccf92c5b650b99adc14cf

[KarenK]

Thanks Gwen. I've never been to a therapist, but those things make sense. I've never been able to stop my brain from going a million miles an hour. It's why I can't sleep. I've always thought I could just "tough out" my problems or take care of them myself. As things come back to haunt me, I obviously didn't do a very good job. Such is life....

[kayc]

19 hours ago, nashreed said:

I wish I had pushed harder.

We can't control them.  They're adults.  I didn't keep sugar in the house, thought that'd help his Diabetes.  Made sugar-free desserts, back then there was just Splenda, hadn't heard of the sweeteners they have out now.  We went to diabetic classes, I did what I learned, but it was grossly inadequate.  Again, Maya Angelou's quote comes to mind: "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."

George used to sneak candy bars whenever he was out and donuts.  I understand now, he had a carb addiction, hadn't even heard of such a thing back then.  I could only do so much, the rest was up to him.  I think he was in denial, even as I was the first ten years I was diabetic, largely ignorance but also not wanting to deal with it.  Avoidance.  I seriously doubt he realized the consequences.  Unfortunately, I'm living with them now.

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Men want to fix, be strong.

So true.

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

I've never been able to stop my brain from going a million miles an hour. It's why I can't sleep.

I have a hard time with that one.  I wish it had an "off switch."  I guess I do, it's called Buspirone and Trazodone.  
Sunday night I had just been asleep an hour when I got a call from Medic-alert because my sister fell and couldn't get up.  I am unable to lift her, she's more than double my weight, she has no strength or balance.  My adrenaline and mind were soaring, it took me hours to get back to sleep once I finally got a hold of her (took over an hour).  They had to break into her window to get inside.  Not sure why she'd lock her door where she lives, esp. if it's so easy to break in!  She's going to get a lock-box with combination lock and let them know it.  Fortunately she is just badly bruised and abrased, but I worry about next time...it's my worst nightmare.  I always thought she'd go before Bert, he took care of himself, she never did.

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This seemed the best topic to post this link under.  It’s about therapy in general, but a lot can be applied to grief and loss.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/advice-from-therapists-this-year_l_5fdccf92c5b650b99adc14cf

Very good!  I've bookmarked it.  All the things I've learned over the years the hard way!

[nashreed]

It's funny how well I sleep overnight now. I guess when you aren't a caretaker and not completely stressed out. I guess I should be more worried about COVID. I'm doing the best I can, but I can't allow myself to be that worried about anything anymore- I don't have it in me. I'm fine with whatever.

[Margm]

“The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.”   ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

I'm sorry, I saw this I had posted from a few years ago.  Honestly, I feel this same way.