If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

I guess I use these blocks to talk to me sometimes.  I've already established I repeat things often. 

That’s what I do.  As I do repeat myself, I’m trying to put a 'warning' banner at the beginning.  I do as you do sometimes.  Write my little novel, let it sit and decide to post as is or cut some out.  I need this place to get out so much stuff.  It’s not just other people, it’s also my own feelings I don’t understand these days.  I’m exhibiting the effects of extreme isolation and it’s not pretty.  It’s actually scary.  I try and talk myself down but it’s getting harder.  It creates a mental/physical cycle that is very hard to manage on your own.  Coming here gives me a partial release valve.

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

Life has become ridiculous!

In SO many ways it’s hard to count.  I keep going out too.  Use the guidelines.  But it still feels alien.  I’ve watched people adapt well.  Didn’t know how they do it until observing showed they were struggling pretty much just with the virus.  Not other issues like grief, medical problems, extreme loneliness and not mattering to anyone anymore.  Guess that is defined as loneliness, but there is a difference.  I do talk to people but I don’t connect anymore.  Not like it was.  It’s intensified when your medical team doesn’t respond when you need some caring advice addressing stress before leaping to invasive tests.

i got up today, a miracle in itself, and was perusing the news on the computer.  Read about the capitol in DC being stormed and had to say enough.  I don’t know how we can insulate ourselves from this ridiculous life and be connected to it as there are things I want to know besides covid and crazy political zealots.  Thank gawd for mute buttons when I just want to find out about a local issue or the weather. 

 

 

[nashreed]

It's really a messed up country right now. Vent away. I've been having pointless Facebook arguments- those people just don't listen. They're brainwashed. Got nothing else to do though.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know where you find the energy to argue with closed minded people.  Has to be as frustrating as trying to describe our grief to others who haven’t experienced it.  I play games when I have nothing to do.  I’ve got a lot of games!

[scba]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That’s what I do.  As I do repeat myself, I’m trying to put a 'warning' banner at the beginning.  I do as you do sometimes.  Write my little novel, let it sit and decide to post as is or cut some out.  I need this place to get out so much stuff.  It’s not just other people, it’s also my own feelings I don’t understand these days.  I’m exhibiting the effects of extreme isolation and it’s not pretty.  It’s actually scary.  I try and talk myself down but it’s getting harder.  It creates a mental/physical cycle that is very hard to manage on your own.  Coming here gives me a partial release valve.

In SO many ways it’s hard to count.  I keep going out too.  Use the guidelines.  But it still feels alien.  I’ve watched people adapt well.  Didn’t know how they do it until observing showed they were struggling pretty much just with the virus.  Not other issues like grief, med.  Guess that is defined as loneliness, but there is a difference.  I do talk to people but I don’t connect anymore.  

 

 

It happens the same to me. I do talk to people, I have tons of topics to talk about. But I'm unable to connect on a personal level anymore. It happens on rare occasions. I'm now a good listener mostly because I can't speak about my personal life. I let the others speak and try to say something. But when it comes to marriage, coupling, dating and children, I say nothing else. I rarely refer about my feelings. I feel uncomfortable, I feel invaded, I feel I cannot reveal the truth: unhappiness, spiritual pain, not seeing the future any more, untrust, I don't have a "life sense" anymore.

The Dark Side is catching on Star Wars only.

 

[scba]

I watch the cooking channel. I have done a lot of baking during lockdown. 

[kayc]

My sister sat glued to the t.v. yesterday/last night.  I told her, "Why don't you turn it off?  Isn't enough enough!  Go read a book or turn the channel!  I saw some of it, fast forwarded through the rest.  Enough is enough.  Honestly, the way people vandalize and hurt others, it's a wonder they live through it.  I don't agree with this type of protesting.  Protesting, to me, still means like in the 60s when they chained themselves to a bus and sang "We shall overcome!"  It's not setting fires, stealing, beating on people, or taking over government buildings or portions of cities!  Maybe there was a lot of this kind of stuff in our history when they wanted to erect change, but if so, it wasn't taught to us in school.  I know the Civil War was brutal, families against families, the worst time in history, do we want to repeat that?

I have to guard myself from TMI about things I cannot do anything about.  Maybe that's where some want us, ineffectual.  But honestly, in my physical condition right now, that describes me, ineffectual. 

3 hours ago, scba said:

I have done a lot of baking during lockdown.

I don't watch it on t.v. because I eat a strict diet that leaves out most of their ingredients, but I have learned a new way of cooking (super low carb, Keto) and tried a lot of new recipes this year, it's been great!  I have one on my note of things to do to try out, can't wait!  Have to get room in my refrigerator first, it's small and with just me to eat it I have to balance and plan out my cooking/eating carefully.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Maybe there was a lot of this kind of stuff in our history when they wanted to erect change, but if so, it wasn't taught to us in school. 

The White House has been destroyed several times in history.  Boston tea party.  I just, naively, thought we were past that (learn from history, don’t repeat it).  I was wrong.  This isn’t the place to express what I think should happen to the powers that be, but I am hoping that the people stepping in can mend this horrid divisiveness so I don’t have to fear the news.  

9 hours ago, scba said:

I feel I cannot reveal the truth: unhappiness, spiritual pain, not seeing the future any more, untrust, I don't have a "life sense" anymore.

Well put, Ana.  I do speak the truth, but only to my counselors.   I’ve learned others don’t want to hear about my woes, and I can understand that as I don’t have much good stuff to say.  Like you said, I can talk about other topics, but I’m not fully connected anymore.  I’ve spent years watching people move forward in their relationships and it gets to a point that I just can’t take having that loss grind me underfoot repeatedly.  I’m facing so many things alone and overwhelmed.  People just say their polite 'sorrys'.  Doctors forget each of their plans conflict with another, my physical ability or not having any help.  No 'life sense' is so empty.  I don’t know why I am even here anymore.  

Ok, here’s the whiny point banner for below........

If I could walk I could maybe get involved with something like I was before the virus.  It’s hard when you don’t want to be you anymore.  I liked who I was.  My morals, values, choices, connections.  All I have left are the values and morals.   Connections are gone and choices have become lose/lose pretty much all around.  Even my dreams are feelings of being trapped.  If I could at least lessen the physical pain, I could think more clearly.  And what good is it to make lists to do each day when you can’t count on doing them?  I miss my own self esteem from being productive during these hard times.   Dreading sleep and showers or anythIng that requires weight bearing just ends your day before it begins.

[kayc]

I hope you know you can always talk to us here. 

I had a horrid dream last night about Arlie, shows he's still ever on my mind...

[Gwenivere]

Oh Yes!  I know I can talk here.  It’s coincidental you mentioned Arlie as wen I was dressing I got hit with those moments I was holding Ally at the end.  I don’t know why but I was there again.  It hurt so bad.  A nightmare. I had forgotten til I read your post.  Now I wonder where it came from.  She’s on my mind often from seeing her toys or being alone in the car now not being able to talk to her.  I know I am too stressed from so many other things.  I guess it’s because if she were here, at least one thing that was stable since Steve left would still exist.  It’s all changed now.  Not one moment of my day is as it was for the past 6+ years as far as I got used to with her here. 

I’m sick of it.  I’m angry about always having to adapt instead of something adapting to me.  I don’t know what it could be, but I always have operated in fair exchange and that doesn’t happen anymore.  There’s no negotiating.  I have so little power.  All I can control is when I schedule people for house or yard work.  I can’t even get my doctors to respond to point blank questions.  I don’t know how it all slipped away, that feeling I had control in my life.  Much less I had a life.  Maybe it is because I don’t that control isn’t possible.  If I’m not putting out fires, I live in this kind of stupor.  Just lost and wandering.  I hate that when something now has to be done like getting gas or an RX is a big deal (yeah, I have something to do!)instead of drat, I have all this other stuff to do and now I have to squeeze that in too. Although it’s rainy and yucky, I went to the carwash yesterday.  Happened to pass it and had a freebie coming.  Anything to pass time.  Then I go back to my big question.  What am I waiting for?  Nothing.  THAT is what is so hard.  Didn’t think about that with Steve and the kids.  We just......lived.  Didn’t question why and highly symbolic explanations.  Just being together was answer enough.  More than enough.  Life was full and complete.

[nashreed]

It's amazing how just watching TV with Annette was nice and not wasted time, and now...eh...boring, who cares. I feel bad that she can't enjoy getting to see a certain so and so get his due, finally. She would be fascinated and appalled, equally.

i just hope I didn't take her for granted. We promised each other we would never do that, but I remember times where I was more interested in my phone than her. 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m angry about always having to adapt instead of something adapting to me.

Oh I get it!  I don't feel angry at the moment but worn down sometimes. 

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

t’s coincidental you mentioned Arlie as wen I was dressing I got hit with those moments I was holding Ally at the end.  I don’t know why but I was there again.  It hurt so bad.  A nightmare. I had forgotten til I read your post.  Now I wonder where it came from.  She’s on my mind often from seeing her toys or being alone in the car now not being able to talk to her.  I know I am too stressed from so many other things.  I guess it’s because if she were here, at least one thing that was stable since Steve left would still exist.  It’s all changed now.  Not one moment of my day is as it was for the past 6+ years as far as I got used to with her here. 

I've long since gotten used to George being gone as I seldom have triggers and don't expect him to walk through the door or call, I am used to doing life alone, having no one here to go through it with me or partner with or talk to, but that does NOT mean I like it, not one little bit!  As Dr. Seus would say.  I told my dream to my sister and she said she hopes I never have any like that again!  It was too horrible to write about.  But I also thought about what could have prompted it, I'm not sure, my XH (kids' dad) was also in the dream, he took him to the vet w/o telling me and the condition he brought him home in shocked and stunned me!  I wasn't privy to whatever the vet said/did, and neither did he tell me, he just left him with me like that.  I'm sure the dream depicted as much about him as my fears w/Arlie.  Needless to say, I'm glad I dealt with Arlie as I did and gave him the utmost in love and comfort care that I knew to give.  I still miss him and love him w/all my heart and always will.  This hit me much like losing George did.  I don't try to compare as I know circumstances differ at different times in our lives, I was a capable bright young person then, but now am old and alone and feel my brain diminishing, I relied on Arlie very much, just as George and I did each other.

I've gotten way off track here, went down Marg's rabbit hole, ha!  Marg,, I love you and love reading your posts, where are you anyway?

[Margm]

I'm sorry to say that some glitch in my brain has separated me from receiving follow-ups in my email.  I did actually have to sign back in once.  I never can blame these malfunctions to software problems, I know it is my problem..  Brianna will sit behind me sometimes (a few feet away), but can still see what I do.  She will say "you need to sign out of that one, hit the "X" and I will hunt for an unseen "X" and sometimes she lovingly loses patience with me.  

My family have taken themselves off my "family plan" with AT&T that I've had for 14 years.  I'm keeping them on this month because my daughter does not do good with other plans.  For sure, they all will screw you around a few times and AT&T has done it for 14 years.  I added a phone to it and it took me 13 hours of talking to every country in the world that uses English as a second language, to get the job done.  Y'all know it is my second language also, "old southern grandmother" is my first language.  I admit, the part of the countryside I come from talks different.  Laig-leg, eaig-egg, Spranghill-Springhill, syrup is always "surp."  and "aint" is ant.  We don't all speak that way, mainly me, and my family laughs at me.  My son, who served in the navy, did not even have a southern dialect.  He did a lot of DJing though.  

Anyhow, I think I deleted something that shows me when something new comes on to an old post and I have had to rig my own way to get back on.  Don't try to explain it to me.  You know what they say about blind pigs and acorns.  I will do it.

Until then, it is status quo here.  I am a lot jumpier than usual, not sure why.  Lost four or five classmates since April.  Kind of like I hear those footsteps behind me but I'm afraid to look.

I will get things straightened out eventually.  My big problem is special glasses for Brianna and a phone system for me.  I want my old flip phone that I just call in and get calls from.  My shaky fingers do not allow acrobatics of a smart phone.  I have no use for them anyhow.  Will be back on soon, as soon as I can figure out my old way of doing it.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Marg M said:

I'm sorry to say that some glitch in my brain

I think I have one of those glitches in mine too, Marg, you're not alone!  And I seem to have more of them the older I get!  Hence I want out of the Treasury job I've done for 6 1/2 years, I KNOW it's time and way too much stress considering they're using a 2007 Home version of Quicken.  It has no payroll module.  I have to do everything manually.  The secretary is cutting her hours so now I'll have to figure out the changes and enter it in about 100 places for making it come out right on the books, we do this debit and credit with the payroll taxes every month, have to enter it in memorized transactions, also EFTPS (fed pr tax) and memorize it, enter it in Excel spreadsheet for PR for every payperiod of the year, enter on paystub in Word, and our check writing schedule for every month of the year, and it will change subsequent quarterlies, etc.  I can't be over this soon enough for my liking!  Have a budget mtg to attend Sun. eve. and then after our annual business mtg. the following Sun. will have to enter the new budget in.  Cannot be done soon enough for me!

I know, TMI.  Hard enough to absorb when I do it, but my brain just wants to cook, clean, walk Kodie, mindless stuff!  It's hard enough keeping track of where to be when, doctor's appts. etc.  Need to take Kodie to the vet for shots but also to check his right ear, he's having an ear infection resurgence again, I have some Rx left from before (drops) but I don't think it works well enough for him, and they can't get him in for two weeks so will continue to use the drops but want them to look in his ear and prescribe something more effective!  This will get him by until then but I doubt it'll totally alleviate it.

17 hours ago, Marg M said:

I think I deleted something that shows me when something new comes on to an old post

Have you asked Marty about it?  I have no clue what I'd do if that happened to me, as long as you're signed in it should automatically reflect the difference...maybe it's not you.  Is there a setting for it?  IDK, I've been here so long I can't remember that long ago what I did.

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

My shaky fingers do not allow acrobatics of a smart phone.

Oh, I get it!  I don't use the smart part of my smart phone, only would if I needed to search for a tow truck or locksmith.  Most of the time I don't even turn my cell phone on.  I use my landline at home as no coverage here and any other time I'm driving so don't turn it on!

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

I know, TMI.  Hard enough to absorb when I do it, but my brain just wants to cook, clean, walk Kodie, mindless stuff!  It's hard enough keeping track of where to be when, doctor's appts. etc. 

Wow, Kay!  My eyes got crossed just trying to read all you have to do to achieve a bookmaking goal.  Weren’t you going to step back from this position at some point?  I know stuff at home becoming enough of a challenge as we age and factor in pain like you have with your hand.

I'm assuming the vet isn’t in your town?  Another long drive?  I so hate when our kids get a problem.  Melody is now totally against getting in the car.  I took her for a drive with me recently to show her not all trips are vets or grooming.  She fought me the whole way, wouldn’t get in the car so I hurt myself getting her in.  This frustrates me to no end.  I’ll have to use a mobile vet which costs a small fortune.  I didn’t mind when Ally couldn’t walk well, but this kid has some real trauma about cars that I’m unaware of the source.  Has to go back to the breeder and her transport to Seattle.  Up until this last time she’d at least go, but she was shaking in fear.  If my back would stop hurting a bit I’d try it again.  It could have been a nasty day and she’s neurotic about that stuff.  Not good living up here.

hope Kodie clears up and saves you a trip. 

Mart, when I check in daily new threads appear in bold type.  Ones with nothin new look like this typing.  I disabled getting email notices becausei want to be reminded of the thread content at that point as topics change venue sometimes.  I don’t sign out tho.  It just automatically does it when I open Chrome as I close the app at night.

9 hours ago, kayc said:

Most of the time I don't even turn my cell phone on.  I use my landline at home as no coverage here and any other time I'm driving so don't turn it on!

You’re like me tho I do have coverage.  I just hate cell phones.  It started as an emergency use only thing for me.  Now I do have to use it with all the medical stuff or stay chained to the house.  It has come in handy now and then.  I wouldn’t want to be without one, but still sticking with a flip phone. No internet access and that I could use.  But I’d have to get a bulky phone and reprogram it.  Maybe not.  But still, the smartphones are too big.  The camera would be cool too.  I have no way to post pictures now unless there is enough light to use the iPad.  Has no flash.  My cousin is in your situation.  Hers doesn’t work at home, but she needs it when she is in town from her rural abode.  If I’m waiting on a call I have to have it on driving.  Then it’s the pull over when I can to talk.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Weren’t you going to step back from this position at some point?

Oh yes!  Been wanting to all year!  It all overuses my hands and brain.  I've been training Kelley to take over since Sept. 1st, hopefully will be done the end of January.  Still have to show her how to handle the salary changes, enter the budget (that's easy at least), clean out the files for the last two years and where to put them (in the attic with no light).  Hopefully nothing more!

The vet only comes here on Wed. but THAT is the vet that caused my fall 3 1/2 years ago and instead of taking responsibility put a private detective on me and tried to blame it on Arlie!  I had 11 witnesses!  They also put me on some national registry so Medicare said they'll never cover my knees!  Unreal, the number of injuries I got from hitting their cement, and they totally set the stage for it.   My knee still hurts.  Also it's the SAME vet that didn't catch Arlie's cancer in time.  Not interested in going there ever again, so I drive to Pleasant Hill, about 45 min to 1 hour away.  At least it's not as far as Eugene.  Although there is a vet on the edge of Eugene that I'd love to take him to IF they had an opening.

 I put Kodie in a laundry basket in the front seat for the ride, he kind of resists a bit but at his size I can toss him in anyway.   I could always put peanut butter on it to distract him if need be.  When my daughter and I drove to my son's, he rode on my lap but on the way back he was in the back seat and did amazingly well considering he was alone back there.  He likes to be able to see me plus he can see out the front window better, but I figured he was more tired, thus more accepting.

I have to get Kodie's vaccinations then anyway, so at least it'll kill two birds with one stone.  (Horrible saying, but you know what I mean.)

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’d have to get a bulky phone and reprogram it.

I've had AT&T enter everything from old phone to new back when I used to have a plan with them.  Would probably get my son to do it if I had to switch.  I think it has my google contacts which shares to different devices.   The one I'd hate to replace is my landline because each contact is programmed in!

[Gwenivere]

At least Kodie looks around in the car.  Melody curls up in back and has not once looked out the windows.  No one would ever know she is there.  She was seriously traumatized is all I can figure.  Even when I was able to take her and Ally to the dog park, she laid hunkered down til we got there.  Very weird kid.  When Ally was here at least she followed her on getting in.  If I had my way, she’d be my car buddy like all my other dogs.  Really miss that.

I don’t know if my contacts can be moved from the flip phone if it gets phased out.  It’s also a pay as you go plan, no contract.  It’s definitely not a smart phone.  Hopefully it will be sufficient for a long time.  I just have to remember to write down numbers I might need if going someplace new but don’t want to store.  

I'd hate if my home phone system went wacky.  I have so much programmed in there.  We often don’t realize how dependent we’ve become on these devices.  I can’t imagine having to recreate my contact list there, on my cell or computer!  

[Margm]

On 1/7/2021 at 5:45 AM, scba said:

That’s what I do.  As I do repeat myself, I’m trying to put a 'warning' banner at the beginning.  I do as you do sometimes.  Write my little novel, let it sit and decide to post as is or cut some out.  I need this place to get out so much stuff.

I wrote a long diatribe last night and erased it.  It was too long, did not make much sense.

We are all, everyone of us and our loved ones and friends, under the same dark cloud of the pandemic and an uncivil war going on everywhere.  People doing such strange things that they would take their own life from the notoriety.  I don't think I have ever lived under this cloud.  I have been with AT&T for about 14 years and when I paid my bill I waited for it to clear the bank.  Never did, although the email I saved said I had committed to the following payment.  They never took it out and today it was turned off although the final day is the 17th, and I always pay it on the first week.  I have my shaking problem and this upset me so I could not type.  I could not hold my fingers still long enough to hit the right keys.  It progresses each day, month, year, and I am lucky sometimes that I can hit the right keys.  Right now I am calm and still I might have double letters, commas, periods, spaces and I go back and correct the spelling.  The rest I just leave.  This is why my aunt wanted to die, she could no longer control her hands.  Hey, I manage to use a large spoon because forks won't work for me.  I definitely can hit my mouth.  Too many times, I think.  

I'm sorry we are all under this cloud and Gwen, Kay, and you know the rest of you, I am thinking about you.  Right now I am trying to read and stay away from the news as much as possible, but am still drawn to it, perhaps because I cannot believe what I read.  And my good Christian friends put through hate that is definitely  not becoming to a Christian.  But, I'm not supposed to judge.  I guess I am more open minded than they are because I have had to be.  Kelli used to have a class time for abuse in the parish jail where she was a nurse.  Now, it took over 30 years, but hers has been recognized and finally she sees hope for those that are abused by people we are taught to trust.  She is preparing to hold meetings for victims of abuse and this gives her some hope that women will be listened to.  Not just women, but others that have suffered abuse from people we are supposed to respect.  

Well I have managed to put together a word salad in spite of the tremor.  I do not take to anxiety very well anymore, if I ever did. 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Right now I am trying to read and stay away from the news as much as possible, but am still drawn to it, perhaps because I cannot believe what I read. 

 That is my problem.  I don’t want to be a total ostrich, so I’m modifying how much I watch.  I don’t need to see the riot at the Capital for the umpteenth time.  But I do want to know what is coming.  I also find what I see and hear unbelievable but I know it’s real.  Maybe we have an advantage because we’ve learned to protect ourselves from the lessons of grief.  Masters of setting boundaries and filtering input.  

I’m terribly annoyed by tremors I get.  Mine are usually the result of overdoing things and a pain reaction.  But I do notice as time passes I’m finding it harder to pick up small things.  Sometimes my handwriting suffers.  I also have a finger joint that locks up a lot.  It’s angering because it’s not in my control.  I don’t know how people with Parkinson’s or similar stand it.  My leg will jerk in bed or sitting sometimes.  Arg!

spoons are awesome!   Just too bad you can’t cut anything with them.  I’ve also been using more paper plates.  Getting lots of disposable cutlery from where I get meals.  I feel a bit guilty creating more trash, but I was a good kid for decades.  I’ve done my share of dishes by hand or dishwasher.  Those dishes don’t put themselves away!

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t know if my contacts can be moved from the flip phone if it gets phased out.

Is there a memory card in it?  They used to have those, not sure if all do still, don't know how that works.  I know my son can do most anything but getting a minute of his time/attention is the hard part.  He's always busy, day/night.  I try not to bother him anymore.  But I sure do miss him.  I miss both of my kids.

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I do want to know what is coming.  I also find what I see and hear unbelievable but I know it’s real.

Exactly.

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

She was seriously traumatized is all I can figure.

When they have backgrounds we don't know about, all we can do is speculate.  Arlie had separation anxiety.  He did not appear to have ever been in a house or car when I got him.  He was starving when the dog catcher picked him up, he gained 16 lbs in the next two weeks and STILL looked like he was starving when I adopted him!  I don't think he was physically hit but ignored, perhaps tied up in a back yard all the time?  I do know the owners didn't come looking for him, if they would have searched frantically like I would have, they would have found him when he went to Greenhill!  They likely did not even drive around looking for him.  My heart went out to him.  If ever a dog was deserving of an owner who loved and appreciated him, it was Arlie.  Lucky had been physically beaten on time and again.  Ron reported them and no one did anything.  He finally kidnapped her and gave her a good home.  He even took her to work with him at Symantec!  Then he was arrested and given 15 years, and someone took her in for a year.  They said they were allergic and needed to give her up (but did not give up their other dog!) so I drove to Salem and got her.  I promised her a forever home.  She was my girl for the rest of her life, at age 14.  She never got over the abuse OR Ron's "over-training" her.  She was scared and never felt confident going all over the house or being comfortable in her own skin.  She was the sweetest dog in the world, that others could damage her in that way really upsets me.  Poor Melody.  She's undoubtedly had something in her past history she hasn't gotten over. 

 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I also have a finger joint that locks up a lot.

I have one too, arthritis.  I hate it when it happens!  

[Margm]

The tremor I have had since 6th grade.  Puberty probably.  My family would have been good for neurologist to study.  My dad hid some of his by leading singing and holding the song book, going in time with the music.  His writing got unreadable.  It is a kind that anxiety will make a person watching get scared.  I once tried our weekly dances when I was 17, but in close dances the fellow thought he was getting me excited because the tremble could be felt as nerves reacting.  So, I quit that part of socializing. It was only a minor worry then. I worked for neurologists for four years at the big hospital before I transferred out.  They told me it was an essential tremor as Parkinson's was not inherited.  My grandfather died on by 13th birthday.  I think he was 56.  It took different forms and my aunts looked like a tardive dyskinesia.  Two neurologists assured her it was not Parkinson's.  Her sister had it for as long as my dad had it.  I think Daddy played guitar to disguise his.  Maybe give it an outlet.  Typing was my outlet, it actually made me type faster.  I got paid by the line, so it was a plus for me. But as I have gotten old, anxiety will throw it out of control and I cannot even dial a phone.  It is okay this morning.  Actually, I am taking two medications they treat it with already, in the form of my blood pressure pills and Xanax..  My granddad and his brother had it at the same time (Parkinson's) and I retired the first time in 1997.  It was in 1997 that they discovered Parkinson's tendency was inherited.  When I worked in neurology though, it was diagnosed as an innocent essential tremor (that can become a monster sometimes).  It does not hurt, and I just explain that "I shake" when I have to sign anything.  It is very quiescent today, so far.  No anxiety.  I need to go to a neurologist here, but the way  going to a doctor is during this pandemic, I'd rather stay home.  

The grief group I went to at the church (three times) explained to me matter of fact, that there were no men in the grief group because they usually married again.  I thought that was just Baptists grouping together the way that Baptists think.  I'm sounding criticism of them, but both men who "abused" Kelli were Baptist pastors and I realize all men are not put into a group and all women not put in a group.  If you ever saw the movie "Hillbilly Elegy" or read the book, I lost a few friends, I am sure, when I critiqued the book and referred it to people that I've lived around all my life.  I said if "you" read it, you might meet yourself.  One friend has cut off talking to me much.  Most of my other friends I never thought about  grouping them into political groups, I hated poly-ticks and did not follow it.  I studied presidential and local elections and who can trust someone who voted for Nixon twice because his wife was sweet?  I've said it before, all my friends want to live in the year 1960, and I'd like to go back there again sometimes too, but then I remember my supervisor in the 1990's (who I had recommended for the job) and could, because of the years I had worked there.  Sweet, capable girl/woman who I shared a cubical with.  We handled any problems.  We talked about restaurants.  Twice she asked "would they let me in?"  I ignored it the first time.  The second time I looked at her and said "why wouldn't they?"  And then it hit me.  My good friend had been turned away from restaurants because of her color, and that was against the law.  Civil rights hit me right in the face then and in 1963, Sam Cook wrote "A Change is Gonna Come" after being turned away from a chain of motels in Shreveport, Louisiana, where I worked starting in the 1970's.  

I cannot be like my friends.  I have been to the mountain and have made it back down to where we all are now.  We are afraid of these people that cause political uprisings and also all the shootings and terror in our streets.  

I stayed in my bubble of grief, have not emerged completely, and I'm too old to march for a cause.  Does no good but incites riots.  I will leave this world at a time we don't have peace, and we do have grief.  I worry about my family and find my friends are strange animals I don't want to pet anymore.  They are the ones who do not wear the masks.

At a funeral last week, they made a video of it.  They were Kelli's friends.  I think he was either in his late 40's or early 50's.  The virus had been his cause of death.  They had a church service, packed, and "in reference to her husband" the wife requested "no masks."  I wonder how many will be sick.  I didn't go to my aunt's graveside services because I knew there would be many people there, no mask people.  A political statement by "Hillbilly Elegy" people.  

Long word salad, professing my grief, my anxiety for living in the present, and knowing many of our new grieved were not able to be with their loved ones.  I actually know not where I live, in what time period, but know we are not through the worse yet.  My dad was born January 1919, the third wave of the Spanish flu had begun.  Living away, on a farm, not being around anyone but family helped save themselves.  Cup half full or half empty.  I think I have one of those collapsible old cups.  I am one.   

Please, if I am repeating myself, just consider the source.

[Gwenivere]

 Since we are talking about tremors, I want to see if the microphone on my iPad works for writing a post. Seems it does. Not sure I really like it.  Don’t know all the commands for punctuation. This is sure a lot easier than typing, but feels a little strange  sitting here all by myself talking to my iPad. One thing it won’t do, or I don’t know how to do by voice,  it’s go back and fix something. If I say delete it types it.  

You really experienced the racism in the 60’s with your black colleague.  It wasn’t an issue much In New Mexico.  A lot of Latinos, but I don’t recall much separation.  It was more the native Americans that got attention for selling jewelry and cheap cigarettes on the reservation.  No marches or protests except regarding Vietnam but that involved everyone.  

Im so grateful I grew up there.  Steve was older and exposed to more in Detroit and had tried to get to Woodstock.  Didn’t make it tho.  I only started being aware of the gay community when we moved to San Francisco.  Maybe that is why I have always been so disturbed by how quickly protests can turn ugly.  No experience. 

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Marg M said:

I thought that was just Baptists grouping together the way that Baptists think.

This gave me a laugh another I read your next sentence.  Baptists are kind of stuck in their ways, I've noticed, that's one thing that's driven me nuts.  But I don't think Baptists are any different than anyone else in their ability to sin...no human is any different...some better, some worse but unfortunately bad seeds in any large group.  It definitely is NOT in their "belief system" but the problem lies with pretenders, lipsayers, not those who earnestly strive to please God and live for them.  I've seen them in all denominations and outside of church as well.    I've told you all about my daughter's being raped at four...it wasn't anyone in church, it was her babysitter's BF's friend, and I never knew his name, he wasn't supposed to be there.  I didn't learn it until she was grown but I had red flags and uneasy feeling in my gut that night, I KNEW something bad happened!  She denied it then because the &*%#! threatened to kill her family, she was worried about her baby brother sleeping in the next room.  I never hired that babysitter again, she broke the rules big time by having someone over.  I never let her near her again, thankfully.  I got her counseling when I did learn, my sisters and I paid for it, it was right after George died, her own dad wouldn't kick in $5 towards it.  I don't understand him, he had and has three times the income I did/do!  Selfish, I'm shocked and how little caring he's shown his kids since the divorce.  Just shocked.  If we'd have known who the guy was, George probably would have died "paying him a visit!"

 

 

[Margm]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

bad seeds in any large group.

I have not joined any other religion, so I guess I am still Baptist.  I'm sorry, I got  to see behind the scenes of the deacons getting rid of members they didn't approve of and also my best friend's father was our pastor, and like Trump, he did not want to leave.  It was necessary to remove him.  I lost my friend because my dad was the one who did this.  Two members were very constant visitors and they brought them up before business meeting on Wednesday night and relieved them of our church membership.  They were married, just to other people.  I think that and Kelli's experience is enough.  I definitely know men/women all have feet of clay.  I also know if I was those two members brought before the business meeting, I would not have come to the meeting or go to the church again.  

People are human.  We just want them to be humane.

Since this pandemic my sleeping time has changed.  I sometimes go to sleep around daylight.  Brianna has a problem with sleeping at night.  She has an appointment with doctor this next week.  If she will talk to the doctor, she will possibly find help.  

Going to sleep at these odd hours, I used to (before the pandemic) bring thoughts into my time before my brain stays still, I would actually write a book, chapter by chapter, in my mind.  It would lull me to sleep (with Billy besides me).  Since then I depended on Xanax to take me away fast, and it has served me well.  Now, trying to go to sleep at 4:00 a.m., my mind goes in places it should not go..  Sometimes, we have to control memories that keep us awake with memories that allow us to go to sleep.  I've got to work on this.  Music helped for awhile.  Book writing has evaporated, won't return.  Billy is not beside me.  I don't know how that helped.  It is that time when your head hits the pillow until sleep takes over.  I am going to review meditations, pull them up on my Kindle.  Also, will try to go to sleep earlier.  I've got to find help for my granddaughter.  Her bio-mom's drug taking while she was pregnant did not help this sweet young woman at all.  

I was looking through old pictures to wish my granddaughter (the 38-year-old one) happy birthday.  I have so many pictures and even this long, 5-years, almost four months from that date, the memories still stab like a knife.  I hate that feeling.  I thought it would disappear eventually.  

 

[scba]

In two days my beautiful dog will be put to sleep to start her journey to the Rainbow Bridge, as Kay sweetly calls it.

My heart is broken in million pieces. I don't know how to say goodbye to my dog.