If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

Did we really think of that?  Did we ever really look down the road to when one of us would be gone?  We did our wills many years before they were needed and could designate wishes without it being an emotional downer. It was almost like a game.  Who would get what and divisions for charities. Once they were signed we never thought about death.  I don’t think we really thought about the true reality when we did the paperwork.  It was more about where cherished things wound up, not actual death.  I don’t really know what I thought would happen.  I guess I just thought it would keep going as it always did. Little changes here and there as our interests and abilities changed a bit.  I didn’t  even really feel I was getting old beyond a few aches and pains.  The dogs would live forever.  Our friends would always be there.  I’d always be a volunteer.  

This outcome?  If I didn’t know it was real, I’d be waking up screaming from a nightmare like I once did seeing one of our dogs going to be hit by a car.  This is now the reverse.  I get some semblance of escape in sleep.  I want to live there because it’s not.........here.  Had a dream last night of getting cash at an ATM to buy us ice cream cones.  That beats the hell out of sitting here like I always do.  Soooooo aware since so many things are going wrong.  I’m making a list for my counseling and stepping back from it I say......hoe does this person do this every day?   

I want to talk to him!  Touch him!  Be touched by another being!  Make jokes, shop for real food, I’m tired of pretending I’m alive.  My body is and it’s my foe now.  My mind is I dunno what, not the one I had.  Pain and isolation is hell.  Remembering him is too.

[Kieron]

Gwen, I could have written that.  We did our wills and health care directives (HCD) ages ago but it didn't feel real, just a sensible thing to do.  But thankfully we did, since we weren't married.  The HCD was all that enabled me to get control of his checking account and the money left in it.  Didn't enable me to get his medical records from the final hospital stay because apparently after death, something or other reverts back to some other damned thing, by law, and only his sister could get the records.  By then I was too tired to fight them.

[Kieron]

We exist in this movie (Groundhog Day, with Bill Murray)

[kayc]

I had a day from hell yesterday.  I've had mouth soreness for a month, following an excellent dental checkup the month before.  Saturday I noticed sores in the back of my throat and I though, oh no, Strep!  But no fever.  Sunday night I saw white splotches on my tongue, still no fever, so I knew it was Thrush.  Mon. morning I called for a Dr appt.  Went in (110 mile round trip) and when I entered the building they acted like I was a criminal breaking/entering and I had the plague!  Sent me out to my car, told me they'd call, they didn't.  My phone had the wrong number in it so I spent a while trying to fix it, it wouldn't let me edit it.  Finally deleted and started over.  Dr came out, both of us masked, she had me remove my mask and gave a cursory glance then filled out papers and handed them to me.  No discussion, no chance to tell her what I just told you guys!  She said to go get a Covid test at the hospital.  I was shocked!  I asked why and she said I'm asymptomatic.  I told her I am NOT asymptomatic, I have Thrush, I've had it before (she'd diagnosed it) and if she'd looked far enough back she could see the white splotches on the tongue and the sores all over back there!  (I use a flashlight and push down on my tongue to see it in the mirror.)  She didn't even use a tongue depressor.  Probably too worried about getting the plague.  She replied she'd call in a Rx.  I reminded her Walgreen's which she made a note of.  She told me to go to the front entrance.  So I drove there, nope, after parking and going to the front security said no it was a different part of the building, another street, so circled around, drove there.  Attendant didn't want to see my papers, I have to sit in line in my car and wait until the motion me forward.  Been through this drill before when I had surgery.  Took a couple of hours.  Drove to pharmacy and pharmacist out.  Drove around and around the building until someone was there.  Said it wasn't ready and to continue circling until they have it ready.  Took another hour.  They didn't give me any info on the Rx.  Good thing Dr. Google told me it needs stored below 77 as my wood stove gets it warmer at times.  Left home at 10:30, got home at 5:25.  Poor Kodie in the house all that time!  Got dark just as I got home so had to walk him in the dark.

I do not understand.  I wish I could have TALKED to the doctor and had a REAL exam!  I was so mad last night if I knew who to switch to I would have!  But frankly, I don't think any of them are any good right now.  And this just after fighting two weeks to get her credentialing straightened out with Healthnet.

[nashreed]

That's terrible, Kay. And there's these commercials saying "Don't hesitate to see a doctor if something's wrong (other than COVID)".  Sure. Good thing we have WebMD so we all can misdiagnosis ourselves at home!

[MartyT]

What a horror story, Kay! I am so sorry this happened to you. No doubt about it: Our healthcare system is a royal mess. Sending healing thoughts to you ❤️

[Kieron]

Horrifying.  The callousness is what is (almost) the most disturbing thing.

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I asked why and she said I'm asymptomatic.

kayc:  I can only add to what has been said by others; this is horrifying treatment.  And, this is what I don't understand about the meaning of being asymptomatic.  Can any ailment; i.e. headache, upset stomach, ache joints, etc., mean we are asymptomatic ?   I hope your medication will relieve you of discomfort so you and Kodie can settle back into a comfortable routine.  Thinking of you.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

7 hours?  OMG, Kay.  I know part was driving from home, but that’s ridiculous.  I don’t get the asymptomatic thing either.  That seems like a stretch, tho the new variants are causing panic.  But a doc should be more informed.  How you handled it amazes me.  I would have definitely lost it.  And an appointment outside?  That’s nuts!  Wish you had a better doc and closer.  Ruined both your and Kodie's day.  

[kayc]

I have been feeling tired lately (this week) and you know how you feel just before coming down with a head cold, only I never do...I found out from DR. OZ that it's the overproduction of yeast, causing the Thrust AND how I'm feeling!  Dr. said to eat yogurt every day, I have every day for 13 months!  Also Google said to take Apple Cider Vinegar, which I already do twice a day.  George said to rinse/gargle with baking soda, and I think lemon water is supposed to help.  I thought it was already too far gone to control with natural remedies, it's been a month of feeling soreness in my mouth, so hopefully the lozenges will knock it down in the next two weeks and the other things can help control it.  I believe it's stress that brought it on as nothing else was applicable.  
https://www.doctoroz.com/article/yeast-hidden-cause-your-exhaustion

[Gwenivere]

On 2/2/2021 at 4:09 PM, kayc said:

I believe it's stress that brought it on as nothing else was applicable.  

If there is one thing I’ve become a believer in is how huge stress can affect us in so many ways.  I dread any time I am not involved in something because if I sit and think about everything going on I go into an emotional dive.  I know it affects me physically.  I’m so fatigued.  So much is repetition  day after day and not of good feelings.  Every morning I wake up with more heavy thoughts.  My daily 'get out if the house' trip yesterday was anxiety producing as I really had nowhere to go.  I get so tired trying to find ways to kill time.  It would be a good time to be a dog and sleep most of the day. I know today will be the same.  The days there is something it’s usually been med or counseling.  I wandered around Safeway and saw some things I would have normally buy, but they involved actual cooking.  Opted for cooked stuff that just needs the microwave.  Even passed on some cooked ribs because they were messy and I’d have to split them over 2 days.  It sounds like laziness, but it’s really stress.  I cleaned the birdcage and ran the portable vacuum til my back would give out.  Then the depression sets in again.  I need off this hamster wheel.  

I did read stress can cause thrush, Kay.  Hope the lozenges help.  They say it will also clear up on its own, but can take weeks.

[kayc]

Marg mentioned my cooking, actually the casserole is one of the easiest things to throw together, takes a couple of minutes.  You can buy cauli-rice, cooked chicken, shredded cheese, spinach leaves so all you need is to mix the alfredo sauce which took a couple of minutes.  Throw in oven for 20 min, it's ready!  I cut a square out of the pan when I'm ready to eat and have dinner for a few days!  My problem is having too small of a refrigerator and only one of me to eat on it.  Thank God I always liked leftovers, less work for me and imo they absorb flavors!

I understand your not wanting the work/stress, if only they made diabetic options but even webmd doesn't get it, still recommending way too many carbs, they're crazy!

Well it's already been five weeks on the pain in my mouth so I don't think it's done a good job of clearing on its own.  They said that about strep too but other places say it can do serious damage w/o treatment, so don't want to take chances.

[nashreed]

I can totally relate to Gwen. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do. I hate the weekend, because it's the traditional "you're supposed to be doing something" days. I'm just bored with life- I really am. I have nothing to look forward to, other than being with Annette after I die. I really hope it doesn't take too long. I'm not trying to be morbid- it's just the way it is. 

[Gwenivere]

I hate weekends too.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing date night.  Going to get community meals to be around people makes me feel pathetic.  I was looking in the mirror at how much I have changed over the years.  How I never have my hair down anymore.  How it’s not the blonde Steve loved.  How we don’t go down to the neighborhood bar for last call.  Watch SNL together.  How I shuffle hunched over now.  How I passed on a pork loin shopping that Steve would have BBQ'd.  I could bake it, but it felt so pointless.  I look forward to Monday to survive the weekend and then find it’s still horrible.  There’s just no escaping.  I understand morbid.  Been there way too much.

[kayc]

I loved barbecuing but alas am not strong enough to get the tank off and take it to be refilled.  Plus the igniter quit working when a "roofer" filled my BBQ with nails.  Don't get me started on him!  To say I miss everything about George is an understatement.

[nashreed]

In the last few weeks, I've actually been fortunate that I found an old friend that I used to work with, and am Facebook messaging with him. I stumbled upon him because he's an Ebay seller, and I remembered his "handle". He's anti-social and lives with and takes care of his Mom, but he's a good guy and the first actual friend that I can count on- that messages a few times a day, and we can talk about music and life and it helps a lot, just to have a friend- to distract from the loneliness. (Nothing against you guys here, but often it's pretty quiet with nobody talking) Maybe he needed the human connection in his own way, the same as I need it. It's amazing how many people I need to fill what Annette could be for me all in one.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, nashreed said:

Nothing against you guys here, but often it's pretty quiet with nobody talking)

 It's amazing how many people I need to fill what Annette could be for me all in one.

 I feel the same way.  I miss when people aren’t here.  But they have things going on.  I can always ramble, but I miss the feedback some days. 

Yeah, Steve filled my life.  I knew more people back then too.  Being engaged in life brought out connecting with other people and things because we were alive inside.  Now it’s an effort.   

I've been trying to connect with a widows group on Facebook (which I hate), and it keeps rejecting every time I update my password.  It will say successful and when I try and use it it won’t work.  2 days of this.  I finally found the group with my latest reset, but don’t know if I will get in when accepted.   Just adds to the depression fuel.  Don’t have the energy to keep pursuing.  

Wow, I use so much negative self talk.  I wonder how much I am keeping myself mired in this.  But I’ve tried the positive stuff and either I’m doing It wrong or it’s for real real.  I can’t pull out of this darkness within.   

Your post on BBQ'ing,  Kay, had me seeing I don’t even bake a pork loin because I’d have to wrap up leftovers.  Just don’t want to do anything these days.  I’ve never felt so lost and alone over the years without Steve.  The back pain has sent me over the edge.  Wanting to stop the pain but unable to fathom the recovery.  I’m so much more aware of how disabled I am getting.  And if I don’t do this, eventually it will be not be able to be fixed.  I don’t like not having better options as unfixed will make things worse.  

Days like this I just want out.  Permanently.

[nashreed]

I'm so sorry, Gwen. It's really all I can say. If I had the power to fix people, I would have fixed Annette. All I do is day by day. I try to appreciate little things- the funny things birds do, the pretty California weather... I try to find forward momentum. At least I have a friend who actually messages back and it distracts me. It helps to not focus on the guilt I feel. I try to only think about the happy times with Annette now. 

My friend (who's 45) has never seen the original Twilight Zone! Blows my mind. I had those episodes memorized when I was a kid. It should be interesting to see what he thinks of them.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve seen all The Twilight Zones too.  Watched them as a kid and reruns.  They are so hokey now, but the message of each is still true.  

I caught myself reading Time tonight and all the political stuff was dragging me down.  Even good stuff.  I’ve really got to try to get back into escape novels.  There can be too much reality.

i talked to a woman while out and found out she is getting her first vaccine shot a week from Monday.  The best I got was mid March, tho I haven’t been calling a million places like so many are.  I haven’t the energy.  I guess I was a little miffed as I listed with the state’s hotline and like her, I’m the age requirement and have a lung condition.  But I imagine the list is swamped with people.  She had someone doing the legwork for her too. Maybe that’s what bothered me as Steve would have helped with that, for us both.

you make a good point about looking at the good things.  I’m trying to.  It’s hard being up when you feel so down.  Glad you found a friend.  I do get caught up when talking to people.  Just hard when it ends. They aren’t off to what I face.  They all have plans that keep them going and life engaged. I remember those times.  So miss them.

 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, nashreed said:

He's anti-social and lives with and takes care of his Mom, but he's a good guy and the first actual friend that I can count on- that messages a few times a day

I'm glad you have found each other again, sounds like you have a lot in common with music, living with mom, staying in, etc.  It does help to have some connection.  I'm finding I'm not getting it.  I've gone to my church for 20 years but not really any close friends, just people I enjoy but nothing close/intimate,  you know?  Sorry, you guys are stuck with me!

Last night Kodie cuddled with me on the couch and thoroughly licked my hands/wrists where they hurt the most, he knows, it meant so much to me and was just what I needed.

For your age group, Gwen they're not looking until May probably here, for my age maybe April, they keep pushing the elderly back.  Bet our governor has been done!

[Gwenivere]

I get the not close to anyone thing totally.  I’ve really tried with some people, but at this age people seem settled in.  Odd as there are so many lonely people.  Or maybe we-are more picky.  I just get tired of what it takes to get close.  It’s why I mourn my lost friendships of yore.  We did all those things that created the tight bond.

 I’m surprised at your governor.  Age 65 is all that is required here, and I thought nationally but obviously not, to go to the head of the line.  I’m there but can’t find anything sooner than March even tho someone I know did over the weekend.  This roll out has been a mess.  Vaccine is arriving but they aren’t booking first doses much.  Now with the variants I’m getting more concerned this will continue to drag on and snuff out the hope we once saw.  People that had covid are found not to have immunity after several months.  It’s terribly frightening we could never be free of this. I’m not a conspiracy nut, but I do wonder if nature is doing what it has going bonkers now and then causing massive human decline.  

[kayc]

I think we've all wondered about all of it, no answers though.  Yeah, usually our governor follows suit with whatever WA does.  She does dig her heels in.

It'll all be what it'll be.

Can't get the bank to un-link the church accounts from mine.  They tell me I need to have them fill out an application for business account (which they already have) and all three come in and sign everything and then they can remove their accounts from mine, doesn't make any sense as it was just supposed to be an access thing and they've already done that.  They call me an "owner" on the church' accounts, that's crazy!  Just because one's a signer does not mean they own the business!  So another thing to deal with...another day.  

Today I need to get groceries before the storm hits tomorrow morning, snow in the forecast from here on out!

[Gwenivere]

If it’s not one thing it’s another.  Today I was trying to find a way to stop a Medicare scam place to stop calling me 4 or more times a day.  This has been going on for weeks.  My telephone provider can’t do a lot about it as the use s many different numbers on the ID.  

Going to be cold here, but not the snow you are expecting.  We might get some.  I know your a veteran of these things being in the mountains.  Just hope you have enough wood! 

I know my heating bill will take a huge hit, it already has.  I burn lots of gas in the car too staying warm when visiting people at the community center.  My thyroid makes cold even worse to tolerate.  

Bundle you and Kodie up!  🥶

 

[kayc]

They put the snow off another day, good by me!  Got the groceries, hard day as I woke up at midnight and never got back to sleep, but somehow survived.  Tried staying awake until Kodie's bedtime last night but couldn't we went to bed at 7:30 and I promised I'd get him up early this morning.  

I have lots of wood, have only gone through half of this winter's wood, not counting the sides of it which I can also get into if necessary.  Am burning through more it seems but the temperatures will be dropping into the 20s so will burn more.  I've been cold ever since losing weight.  

My sister and I are getting the scam calls spoofing local numbers that aren't theirs.  Pretending to be Apple or Amazon.  Got 11 in 1/2 hour!  They're rude too!  Usually robocalls you can't talk to, not sure what they get out of it, you know they won't give out their real number or identity.  Had to take my phone off the hook a couple of days!

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Usually robocalls you can't talk to, not sure what they get out of it, you know they won't give out their real number or identity.  Had to take my phone off the hook a couple of days!

kayc:  I hear you.  I disconnected my landline about a month ago in preparation for my move and haven't missed it one bit.  Of course, I don't have lots of contacts, (friends or family) so usually only got robo calls.  I would let the answer machine respond and I'd screen.  But could be annoying with the early a.m. calls waking me.  Dee