If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

I don’t want to lose my landline because I’d have to get a smart phone.  I get around it waking me by only having the kitchen and living room phones ring.  Our bedroom is in the back of the house and I run a hepa fan for white noise.  

I don’t understand robocalls either.  Especially the ones that sound threatening about your credit or collections.  Those are the ones many very old people get fleeced by as they don’t know all these supposed places would contact you by mail, not phone.  I don’t know how people can justify in themselves using people for personal gain....stealing.   

I’d  do the screening you did,Dee, but my machine plays Steve’s and my voices together and it’s hard to take.  I thought about getting a new machine as one of his buddies captured it to put on CD with some songs he did, but my CD player doesn’t work anymore. (typical)   Both are also plugged into the rats nest of cords powering other stuff and I’d never be able to do that kind of bending and detangling.  

I just want to know it’s there if I ever want to hear it.  I have when I haven’t wanted to and cover my ears.  So hard this missing him and how easily it is triggered.  

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I just want to know it’s there if I ever want to hear it.

I totally understand, Gwen.  My answer machine/phone was pretty old style so I could have probably replaced the tape instead of having a new message recorded.   At the the time I wasn't thinking straight  from the sudden loss.  Now I  would love to hear that recorded voice again.  When I was cancelling Bob's cell phone account, I had hoped to keep his message on his flip phone.  But, Verizion  deleted the voice message.   One of these days I will sit and listen to the videos we made during happier times.   Your purchasing another telephone sounds like a good idea if your friend could help you connect it.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

We certainly aren’t thinking straight right after the loss.  I may have thought of erasing our recording, but so glad I didn’t.  I was hoping to be able to keep his cell phone greeting, but wasn’t surprised it went away when I cancelled it.  It’s still in his office and gets lots of mail from places he was involved in.  I don’t check it much anymore.  It’s another one of those things that feels comforting and familiar at the moment, then so sad when you put it away.  I’ve forgotten the ring tones.  Even the one he had for my calls.  He always said I was priority.  It goes without saying I miss being his priority.  

I don’t think I could do videos.  Pictures are hard enough.  I know there are some of him at gigs.  That’s a place I cannot go.  😥

[kayc]

I cannot go through pictures, neither the ones of when I had a family that bit the dust, nor the ones of when George and I were happily together.  Much too much, so they sit in plastic tubs.  Memories for someone after me to dust off or toss.

Still battling thrush, sores way in back of tongue/throat.  Four days left of Rx.  Snow storm coming.  Is it any wonder my blood sugar is elevated in spite of how I'm eating/living!

[Gwenivere]

I’m amazed at how I sometimes see Steve in the pictures around the house and other times I don’t.  A video would be a conscious effort and in my face guarantee of extreme grief.  

We are looking at those 3 storms lining up in Seattle too.  Barely visible flakes right now, but tomorrow night it’s supposed to hit hard as well as Saturday.  If I get stuck here I’ll go nuts.  The weekend are my 2 days of social contact getting meals.  I don’t do well going days without even minor human contact.  Phone doesn’t cut it.  I’m trying to figure out some things to do this afternoon.  Should do Friday stuff in case it’s bad tomorrow.  I hate having to change routines.  Messes everything up. Hoping my housekeeper makes it tomorrow.  The place needs to basics I can’t do.  

What are you going to do about the thrush?  Seems you shouldn’t have to drive back to the doc as she’s seen it.  Did you say what caused it?

[widow'15]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

Still battling thrush, sores way in back of tongue/throat.  Four days left of Rx.  Snow storm coming.  Is it any wonder my blood sugar is elevated in spite of how I'm eating/living!

kayc: So sorry to read you are still suffering with thrush.  Keeping you in my thoughts as you face four more days of treatment and the predicted snow.

I'm not looking forward to snow at all.  We here in Tacoma are predicted maybe 3 inches.  Gwen, living in Seattle, will probably have more.  Even a slight dusting of snow and 30 degree weather is enough to keep me home, inside.  So there goes my plans to continue moving a few more items into my new home.  Oh well, can't wish it away.

Take care, Dee

[Gwenivere]

I’m really down about this snow coming.  Used to be I still didn’t care for it, but being at home with Steve made it cozy.  I didn’t feel trapped alone.  I don’t know how I’ll handle not getting out if there is too much of it.  Don’t know If the CC or church will have meals where I connect with people.  I have way too much alone time to add more.  

I went to the link in Marty’s article for lighting a candle for Steve for Valentine’s Day even tho we really never did anything that day.  Just missing him so much with the snow as a trigger.  

Will mostly want to sleep.  Mind is racing all the time with so much downer reality.  Watch the hours drag by.  Question every day why I’m still here.  

Sorry, Dee, you’re move is put off.  It’s a hard thing and now dragging out more.  I have yet to figure out why those of us in grief seem to get more bad luck, or it feels that way.  I know it’s not personal, but it feels that way. Everyone else I know are hunkering down with their partners.  And we.....well, we just eke by.

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Sorry, Dee, you’re move is put off.  It’s a hard thing and now dragging out more.  I have yet to figure out why those of us in grief seem to get more bad luck, or it feels that way.  I know it’s not personal, but it feels that way. Everyone else I know are hunkering down with their partners.  And we.....well, we just eke by.

Gwen:  I am beginning to feel maybe there is a reason I have hit so many obstacles where my move is concerned.  Maybe it is meant to be this way for a reason that I haven't figured out yet.  My son is more aggravated than I since he is just wanting to get it over with. 

Your feelings of us being served more bad luck than others...... I think since now we are left alone in our life, any kind of bad luck is magnified.  Before, any bumps in the road were quietly, quickly solved.  Now we have to struggle with each daily decision without input or help from our spouse or partner.  I don't know about you, but I constantly doubt each decision I make, be it right or wrong.  I long for the day when I can feel confident in myself. 

It would be nice to have that loving companion to hunker down with as the temps drop and the snow falls.  I hope you can get out and be with folks over the next few days, I know you will be careful of the icy roads.  At 5 pm when I was outside putting garbage out in front of my driveway, there were some light flakes barely sticking.  Right now (11 pm) the temp is 28 degrees and probably an inch of snow on the ground.  With my low vision, I can't tell if snow is still falling, but is looking pretty outside.  You and Melody stay warm, Dee

 

[KarenK]

I thought of you all up there when I was checking the weather earlier. Hoping for a little rain here, but fat chance.  lol  I love looking out at snow, but not necessarily trekking around in it. Living here since age 9, my snow experience is limited. Went to our cabin only a few times in winter.

Gwen, please be careful if you go out. Both of you stay warm and cozy.

You too, Kay. I believe you are expecting snow too.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

What are you going to do about the thrush?  Seems you shouldn’t have to drive back to the doc as she’s seen it.  Did you say what caused it?

I looked at a list of 11 possibilities, only one was applicable, stress.  Lord knows I had that the five weeks prior with the church books & tax filing deadlines for them.  Another reason I needed out of that job.  They still haven't gotten me unlinked from their bank accounts but as she's added on as a signer, they must not have done the paperwork right or I'd be off it completely, another phone call I have to make to the co-treasurer, too much else to deal with right now.

Snow hasn't hit yet, conflicting reports from the NOAA for my lat./long.  They called my location an anomaly, I call it them never getting anything right.  Reminded them of the 4'5" snow they did not predict, that was a nightmare!  I'd been in close contact with them then too, doesn't help my confidence in their ability to predict anything.  I'm one who likes to be prepared.  Concerned I might need to go to the doctor/pharmacy and won't be able to get there.  Rx runs out Monday.

Dee, I'm sorry the snow will put off your moving some, your son will just have to understand.  He'll get older one day too, although I don't think that's sunk in to my kids yet!

[Gin]

Chicago has been hit hard with snow the last 2 weeks.  First we had about 13” and then various episodes of 2-4”.  Now it is below zero.  Still we are having 1-3” every other day.  I am in no shape to shovel.  Alley is all ice.  Don’t know if my garage door will go up or if the car will start.  I am scheduled to get my vaccine in a week, but have no idea if I can get there. My best friend now has the virus and is quite sick.  Been a very rough year for everyone.  Gin

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Gin said:

Chicago has been hit hard with snow the last 2 weeks.  First we had about 13” and then various episodes of 2-4”.  Now it is below zero.  Still we are having 1-3” every other day.

Oh my Gin, so sorry you have been dealing with snow/ice for 2 weeks.  Take care, and I promise not to whine about my 1" of snow and 28 degrees.  Keeping you in my thoughts as you stay warm inside.  Dee

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

He'll get older one day too, although I don't think that's sunk in to my kids yet!

kayc: That's what I keep telling him after I say "simma down".   Unfortunately, he made some past choices in his life that make him go 115 miles every waking hour.  He thinks he doesn't have the time to slow down.  I do worry about him though that he doesn't slow down more.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I feel awful I have not said anything about what you are going thru, Gin.  I knew those storms were hitting Chicago and would think of you.  I know you are used to harsh winters, but this is way beyond that.

I'm not familiar with Tacoma’s terrain where Dee is, but Seattle built in a forest with many, many steep hills.  So even a little, or ice, cripples us.  I can’t imagine what it is like for the Midwest.  I see the temps and am so grateful we aren't facing those.  I’ve seen so many covid places have been closed crating more chaos to reschedule and wait.  

I think Dee's right, being on our own intensifies all this stuff.  Much easier when we had our allies facing these set backs.  

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

don't know about you, but I constantly doubt each decision I make, be it right or wrong.  I long for the day when I can feel confident in myself. 

This is what is getting to me is I once had that confidence.  I keep trying to make the right decisions but run into walls.  Just got some news on more insurance bills that I now have to call on.  Conflicting info yet again.  I just want to put a gun to my head when I get a message from a doc on denials or have to call the company.  Every frigging thing is a battle of mixed messages.  I just called the rep who sold me this plan and (nicely, that honey better than vinegar thing) asked she contact me about what she told me this would be like as opposed to what is happening.   I know I’ve had extra probs with the repair of my dishwasher and that makes me mad. Sears had me get a plumber out to make sure it wasn’t on that side and when it wasn’t they found the part failing quickly.  I feel they should pay for the plumber that wasn’t needed but that won’t happen.  If Steve were here he’d call them and eloquently ream them out.  I’m just too angry and burned out.  And sick of calls.  

All I keep asking for is one frigging day without a problem.  I’ll always have the physical ones,  but one (besides Sundays when places are closed) that I don’t have a headset on for at least 2 hours.  I take meds that make my stomach feel awful, but I know the stress is adding a lot more.  Have a pain in my ribs that has me hyper alert as I’m prone to pneumonia and that’s the last thing I need.  

Off to the phone and hopefully time to do my errands before dark.  

[Gin]

When I gripe, my daughter reminds me....be glad this is not Nov.  we are almost done with it.  Gin

[Gwenivere]

Seems the news keeps saying you are in for more, but I could be wrong as this brain of mine  is loopy.  Are you looking at some relief soon?  I’m about out the door to prepare for our slam.  Going to be a mess out there with others doing the same.  Being disabled doesn’t help trying to get parking and carts to lean on.  

I hate snow.  It’s lost it’s appeal years ago when I was young and adventurous.  Wish it would just stay in the mountains for the skiers.

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Gin said:

.be glad this is not Nov.  we are almost done with it.

Oh Gin, I hope you will soon be done with it.  Can't imagine it being that cold with that  much snow so long.  Thinking of you. Dee

[Gwenivere]

Snow is starting in Seattle.  Already knocked out my DVR so I have to wait 10 minutes til resets,  I just realized with the amount of snow predicted, my dish will probably be blocked so recording may be a lot of nothing for the next few days.  Wish we would have gone with the underground.  Steve had to have the fancy satellite.  

I had let Melody out before dinner and she came in hyped from the snow and cold.  Could barely get her wiped down as she was hard to get to stand still.  Every time I open the door the cold hits like a wall.  

I park in the carport, but’s the wind has it covered already.  Tho it’s hard to do here with months of it, I’ll try and not whine about the torturous gloom and drizzle.  Beats this any day!  

Even tho sleeping is torture for me, it’s appealing for the warmth.  I’ve been depending on the electric blanket opposed to the best human pillow to hug.  Times like this I miss him so much more.

 

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Gin said:

I am scheduled to get my vaccine in a week, but have no idea if I can get there.

Is there anyone can take you?  Or can you contact them and tell them you need someone to come to you, that you're shut in?  They may close the clinics due to the snow and push the date back.

I am sorry about your friend, I hope she recovers without lasting effects.  It's so hard, I felt so helpless and scared when my sister had it.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Have a pain in my ribs that has me hyper alert as I’m prone to pneumonia and that’s the last thing I need.

Oh no!  I hope you'll get it checked out!  Can your doctor call in something if you can't get in?  When we've had something before we tend to not forget what it's like, I've been there, you do NOT need that!

I've heard Portland-Vancouver is going to be hammered with snow (for them), here they keep predicting it then pushing it back.  Now they say tonight it'll start...

We have two more months of this here...

 

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

Is there anyone can take you?  Or can you contact them and tell them you need someone to come to you, that you're shut in? 

The problem with both these vaccines is they have to be used quickly once opened.  5 doses per vial, I think.  So singling our one would ruin the rest within a short amount of time.  

Im not having much chest pain today, think I pulled something, a hoping that's the case.  Trying to figure out what to do about all the snow covering my car.  Just about fell-last night emptying some recycle as the porch had a covering and my slippers no tread.  I doubt anywhere I usually go will be open, the weekend hot meals, but I hate feeling trapped.  Going to try getting to my car and running it so the heat will melt some off.  Did my trick of driving it up and back in the driveway to have a path.  Roads look slushy.  No plows or mail as of yet and I’m on an arterial.  

I hate this crap.  I’m already stressed about being stuck here all day.  See a few people walking and driving, but not much.  Amazing it was bone dry yesterday and a good 5 inches today.  Not going to get warm enough to start melting til next week.  

Don’t know how you stand this, Kay.  

Dee....if you checkin....how much did you get?  Was Tacoma supposed to be hit harder?

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee....if you checkin....how much did you get?  Was Tacoma supposed to be hit harder?

I haven't been outside with a ruler, but am guestimating about 4 1/2" on my deck rails.  Yesterday at this time was only an inch, so overnight must have had 3 1/2 inches.  I don't think we had much wind down here.  It's up to 34 degrees right now, but was probably 28 degrees and snowing when I got up late morning.  It has stopped snowing now, but more is predicted tonite, turning to rain tomorrow morning.  As tired as I am with the rain, this year I'll take the rain.  I can see kids and parents down the street playing near the hill where they slide safely.   Brings happy memories of when my kids would spend most of the day out in the snow.  

Gwen, stay safe and avoid those hills if you go out.  Still more than content to stay inside; with my balance, I'd fall over even if I could get my snow boots on. LOL  Dee

[widow'15]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

I've heard Portland-Vancouver is going to be hammered with snow (for them), here they keep predicting it then pushing it back.  Now they say tonight it'll start...

I talked to my sister in law in Portland yesterday.  They had had quite a bit of snow.   Then,  today my daughter who lives near Roseburg, OR, said it was 50 degrees there yesterday.  While we were on the phone around 2 pm I could her rooster crowing, so asked if she was outside, she said yes it was still a nice day.  Guess it just depends where you are  and which way the cold winds blow.  Hope you don't get too much snow, kayc.  Dee

[KarenK]

Dee, don't laugh too hard now, but I have snow boots in my closet. Probably at least 40 years old and used once or twice. I'm saving them for my "fantasy" move to Montana.  lol

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

Dee, don't laugh too hard now, but I have snow boots in my closet. Probably at least 40 years old and used once or twice. I'm saving them for my "fantasy" move to Montana.  lol

Sorry Karen:  Am laughing not at you, but with you.  At least you have a "fantasy" for saving your snow boots.  Can't tell you why I'm saving mine.  I really doubt if I could lift my feet if I could put them on.  Keep that "fantasy" dream.  Hugs and smiles, Dee.