If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

it seems the one thing we can count on now is change. 

That was always there before we lost them, but it wasn’t so dramatic.  It’s almost eerie in my experience.  Things change in little ways all the time.  We saw them together.  Adding self checkouts, a restaurant that moved, building more stuff that congested traffic and such.  But it wasn’t so massive and unending as it has become.  Even tragic like a strip mall that burned where got our pizzas.  Mostly, we were sound.  Our family was tight and didn’t waver.  Ups and downs like normal.  There isn’t a day I feel normal anymore. They are routine or challenging, but not that warm normal.  I don’t know if I’d be as physically challenged as I am now if he’d been here.  I would have probably addressed many issues earlier so they aren’t as severe as they are now.  Without him tho for help snd motivation, I’m now in a loop of depression, fear and frustration.  I didn’t wake up wondering how to do this another day, I was open to whatever the day brought, even is it were a problem we’d have to fix because we did, always.  Now I do but it often gets so complicated because it’s not my expertise as it was his.  He’d be in the reverse if I were gone.  We all know what a pain this is doing both.  But I can say things have intensified in general.  It’s an odd phenomenon.  One I very much dislike.  Today started bad. Yesterday did too and so will tomorrow.  That’s the only thing I can count on.  Not exactly warm and fuzzy anymore.

[kayc]

It was nearly two years ago when Arlie was diagnosed with cancer.  At that time an old "friend" demanded I answer to HIM about what I did about Arlie, raising his voice to me.  I told him we weren't having this conversation again and hung up.  He didn't forgive me.  I contacted this person to let him know Bert passed, and he sent me a barrage of horrible emails.  I disengaged.  A couple of days ago, out of the blue, this person emailed me that he wanted to go to lunch!  I no longer trust this person and consider that he's not someone I would choose for a friend, but he is old, lonely, and wanting contact.  I realize that his anger comes from pain, and the pain is resulting from lack of empathy or the ability to put himself in someone else's shoes and understand how he affects people.  I decided to go yesterday, and it went pleasantly enough.  I still do not trust him and likely never will, I know him too well, but at least it cheered up his existence for a few minutes.  I wish I could say it was a good lunch but I had a salad and it was literally rotten, and for that they charged nearly $15.00!  I would have complained had he not been there.  They had to know it was rotten, one glance showed it was.

 Today I'm taking my sister to a Drumming ceremony celebrating Earth Day.  I can't drum or shake anything due to my hands and feel uncomfortable with this but will get out and take her.  Sometimes all I can do is brighten someone else's day.  Besides, she needs groceries, so will take her afterwards.  I don't buy groceries here, way too expensive, and she doesn't ever want to go with me when I get them out of town.  

Throat sores still alive and kicking.  Maybe this is my body's way of reacting to allergies now, IDK.  I have them year around.  Now it's trees, tomorrow grasses.

 

[Margm]

Sometimes you lose your link to this group.  I saved passwords in a password notebook.  

Just read what John Travolta said about losing his wife (and probably carried over from losing his son..)  I would imagine he tries to keep to himself a lot because famous people seem to gather the attention.  I'm not famous.  He said this:

"Mourning is individual, and experiencing your own journey is what can lead to healing."  (I sort of agree with Rose Kennedy on this though, you never heal, you develop scar tissue.  

People come up to him and try to help him by telling him similar stories of their grief journey.  Sometimes we feel like opening up and then for days we will stay in our own little bubble and no one can reach us, not even family.

My daughter made a video of taking care of Mama while she had Alzheimer's.  There was my mom, trying to feed herself and Kelli (trained to take care of elderly people) being so sweet to my mom, had cooked her dinner and there was my mom muttering words, still able to feed herself, and I had not cried since Mama left.  I had closed her eyes and she had just passed.  I told her to tell Billy I was sorry I was not holding him.  

I finally cried and realized that some people go into their grief wide open and some of us try to hide from it.  I go to bed each night and I feel like I'm probably losing ground each day.  Can still walk, I am slow, but I can get around.  The shaking has gotten worse.  I have my sister insisting I go to doctor but what will I tell him?  All I can tell him is I have hurts, aches, I'm overweight (and he can see that), I get short of breath.  He cannot add medications.  I get on my "stepper" for about 30 minutes every day which emphasizes I probably hurt my knee pretty bad in one of my two falls over the past few years.  Not complete falls, just to my knees.  The weight on my knees certainly did not help them.  Do I go for surgery?  I don't think so, pain killers could really kill me.  I go twice a year but a doctor that is 175 miles away is not convenient if I have an earache or other ache.  Really, I cannot be fixed.  

I have been helped on this forum very much, but it really comes down to it being your own path and no one can walk it but you.  It is nice to "hold hands" with words during this pandemic, hold hands and let that other person walk their own path, they sure can't walk ours, and in reality, would not want to.  

Still lots of things going on here.  I hope I have talked my son into going to doctor sooner rather than later.  

I think of you all often.  Chronic depression takes over me sometimes.  I had it "before" and will have it forever, my own "black dog" like Churchill took around with him.  

"I don’t like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand back and, if possible, get a pillar between me and the train. I don’t like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second’s action would end everything. A few drops of desperation."  Winston Churchill

I've found our group again, am not good with computers, but if I save an old post, I can find it again.  I talk on FB, I read books, and I will return and see my friends.  Have to run again to "city" today.  Happens often.  Anxiety takes over and I have to beg "Please Jesus, give me courage, please Billy help me."  Still have to face things but this pandemic has made me sort of crawl into myself.  Will save this and find it again so I can find my way back.  

[Gin]

Hi Marge,  This is a hard time for all of us.  I will be 82 soon and can’t believe I have made it over  5 years without Al.  Hope you keep coming back.  We miss you when you are gone.  You are one of us

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Still have to face things but this pandemic has made me sort of crawl into myself.  Will save this and find it again so I can find my way back.  

The pandemic has changed things more than we consciously realize.  I read more and more about physical and mental effects as the time goes by.  It’s not just us in grief that are worsening with depression and crawling into ourselves.   People are even starting to question if they will know how to socialize again.  Unfortunately, that is way down the ever shifting road now.  That is what is truly maddening.  The goal line, when visible but rarely (which in itself is hard to live with) keeps moving.  I know I’m seriously affected by isolation from this.  Even when I do go out for little things, I’m a loner.  I don’t even have to try and hide from family or friends when I feel down, there aren’t really any consistently.  If I don’t show up at places I normally do, no one checks on me.  That’s an awful feeling.   Also coming home and no human caring or noticing.  Thank gawd for my dog, even if it’s food that is her priority when I walk in.  
 

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

I go to bed each night and I feel like I'm probably losing ground each day. 

Know I am.  We are bring forced to live opposite of our nature.  Getting older is hard too.  Like you, I have conflicting issues that either complicate or negate help.  What do you do?  It’s a bad place to be when we see others get relief we can’t.

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Chronic depression takes over me sometimes.  I had it "before" and will have it forever, my own "black dog" like Churchill took around with him.  

All I can say is you are not alone, dear Marg.  I’m sitting here today after trying to sleep overnight to lessen the pain and it didn’t work.  Feels worse so another day of asking......why? Why do I bother even trying?  All I’ve been offered are more pills.  I don’t want pills!  I want connection, caring, meaning, desire, a sense of belonging, feeling happy or content, wanting to care about others again and love.  I want love.  You can’t pull that from a persons life and expect they will feel the things that make life a special thing.  

 

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

I have my sister insisting I go to doctor but what will I tell him?

Same problem.  They see me as parts.  They don’t deal with the mental side.  My counselor can’t deal with the physical.  Steve could.  Not asan expert, but he knew all of me so I felt better being able to at least voice it all and be seen as a complete being.

I so miss you when you are gone, Marg.  But I understand why.  Many days it takes all I can to just sit here.  I get that lost.  I keep posting because I so need the connection here.  Even if you just drop a word or two, please let us know how you are.  ❤️

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

I have to beg "Please Jesus, give me courage, please Billy help me." 

Marg:  Every day, I still thank God for giving me another day, but in my next breath I have to ask him why did you have to take my husband from me?  I so much could use his strong shoulders to get me through these difficult times.   I know the answer deep down, but I still have to ask. 

Good to hear your son is leaning towards changing his mind.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee

 

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Even if you just drop a word or two, please let us know how you are.  ❤️

What I am finding more and more is when I have a difficult time of day, or an upsetting day, how I head to this Forum to find visual comfort or solace that helps get me up to the next hurdle.  Yes, a simple word or two can help lift up others, or to hear others getting through their struggles gives me the courage not to give in to my weaknesses.  In other words, it helps to know you are there.  Hugs all, Dee

[Margm]

4 hours ago, Gin said:

 We miss you when you are gone.  You are one of us

I'm not ever really gone, but there are a lot of times I'm just not here period.  No, not self-denying dementia.  I check on myself often, Brianna helps keep me up on things, especially TV shows and music, but sometimes I think I could take one of my good books, get lost in it and just stay there, then it is finished.  I read till 5:00 a.m. this morning knowing I had to get up at 10:00.  So, I definitely got five hours sleep.  I've been escaping into books mostly.  And I am "happy" my concentration lets me live there for awhile.  I've said it before, my grandma said "If I can't see to read, I'd rather be dead" and my little country grandma was taken to the eye doctor, he removed the cataracts and she escaped to her fairyland again.  Someone used to fuss at me because I didn't want to see a movie that was sad, they said "that is reality."  I told them I lived in reality, if I can escape (without drastic measures), then I will.  I feel so blessed to still have the concentration to put myself into "disassociation" I guess getting lost in a book is.  

Kelli came through with her treatments by mostly sleeping them off.  Then the Energizer Bunny is off on a couple of days manic  running (she does not drink or do drugs) but loves planting her little patio garden (like my mom loved plants.  Still waiting on the counselor for Bri, but her hypothyroidism makes a reason for a lot of her symptoms.  She goes to an endocrinologist and her levels come out okay, but I've followed hypothyroidism and know she suffers from the symptoms.

My sister worries about me and maybe that  keeps her from worrying as much about herself.  She will not give up the cigarettes and I don't mention them.  I think it would do more damage for her to give them up.  She attends AA regularly now that they are meeting again, separated, and has had her COVID shots.  We get Bri's Tuesday, Kelli has had hers and unsure if she had trouble from them or the radiation pills she was taking.  I have not taken it yet.  Yes, I'm afraid for them to do anything for me.  When I went in for my six month checkup I don't let them draw blood, just temp and blood pressure.  Blood pressure was raised.  I have meds.  I watch for other signs, have had none.  Short of breath, but they find nothing wrong with my breathing/heart, I'm just too overweight for my height.  And the pills I take cause weight gain, but I know where this came from.  

I don't know what this climbing into myself is, but I can only blame stress and pandemic.  We live in weird times.  I will be relieved for good checkup for Scott, for Bri to understand herself, for Kelli to stay well for awhile and for them all to outlive me.  

I will borrow from Tom Petty and Billy.  "You're a good bunch to ride the river with."  I always considered it a compliment when Billy told me I was a good one to ride the river with and he was not into music much, so that must have come from his mountain men books.  

 

[kayc]

Good to hear from you all!  What struck me was "crawling into ourselves" as that seems to be what's happen this last year.  People who used to call no longer do.  People I used to get together with no long do.  I'm alone, day after day.  Yes, it has its repercussions.  Thank God for Kodie.  Not the same as having someone to talk to, someone to care, but he helps, he really does.  I don't know how people without pets are surviving this..  We aren't meant to be so alone.

[Margm]

I am human (I am pretty sure of that).  I am grateful for Brianna, but I so wish she could have a happy life of her own.  She is no bother, is very much company, but we sleep in different shifts.  The hypothyroidism, even at its most normal, still causes bodily functions to be "off kilter."  At one time she got into Web MD but thankfully, after many negative ER visits she was intelligent enough to quit reading it.  I did not have internet, but I had the whole LSU Medical Library and I knew how to find the books I needed.  I was reading about cancer and cancer studies so far out of my understanding that Dr. Boyd would tell me each visit I was going to have to quit my research.  He was not joking with me.  When I read about my kind of cancer in rabbits, I then knew I was so far outside my understanding, it was the last time I visited the library (hooked on to the hospital I retired from).  With Google, all you have to do is write in a partial thought and it will find information.  Right now she is on no social networks and is terrified if her phone has a number she does not recognize.  I want her to have a happy, "normal" life.  Until then, the counselor's said don't push her.  She is such a delightful, beautiful, intelligent child/woman, and this grandmother thinks she is as near perfect as they come.  She could not help it that her bio-mom took all the drugs during pregnancy, but is smart enough to know it did not help her, without putting blame.  

I do often think of the Robert Frost poem mentioning "promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."  I do question why/how I am here when I should have been gone in 2014, but instead Billy was taken in 2015.  I try to do things as if he was with me and taking care of things as he would have done.  I do know he would not live in an apartment, but the 2nd bathroom fan went out, the hot water heater was making my electric bills go up and up and I didn't even open the room the hot water heater is in.  I called the office and put in a work order for these to be fixed.  These are minor things, but I don't have to worry about them.

We are expecting bad storms tonight.  It seems the tornadoes seem to follow paths (not a scientific fact on my part, just an opinion) and so far have been able to avoid them while trees are blown down a few miles from me.  I am in a "town" of about 11,000, on the northern edge of it, plenty of trees (around the houses in the neighborhood) big vacant field behind us where deer gather sometimes.  We are "close" to the  major bayou that settlers used for travel and shipments.  My ancestors from my mom and dad both settled these three "parishes" with a graveyard of first settlers across from the park.  They were my GGGgrandparents.  Didn't know them, but somehow feel closer because Billy's ancestors settled the two parishes around me too.  So, I'm surrounded with ghosts that speak to me only if I imagine it.  None of them have been written in history, although my grandma's weekly columns are kept in the historic section of the parish library next to our parish.  Also one part of the family was law enforcement during a dark time.  I'm not proud of that at all.  

Just rattling on with a word salad I have not felt like writing for a long time.  Sometimes I see myself, as I'm sure many do the same, as hanging by a tenuous thread.

Netflix plays a documentary called "Moving Art" (think that is the name) and I turn it on sometimes to watch, sometimes because the mood music it plays is soothing, no talking, and the program is fascinating to watch, but is also easy to just listen to.  

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

Sometimes I see myself, as I'm sure many do the same, as hanging by a tenuous thread.

Too many times to count.  Just today I got another 'wellness' call, which is nice, but accomplished nothing as usual.  It’s not their fault.  I have yet to find anything or one in the med or psych community that can make that thread a rope that could get me back to firm ground.  This time I left it as I’ll call you as she made calls to see if there were more help and came back with the same stuff I’ve heard before.  She was very sympathetic, but it doesn’t help the situation.  It is what it is and she has no power to change any doctors minds on my treatment.  It’s just a sounding board for me and I’m tired of bitching about it.  It’s just upsetting to rehash.  
 

I’ve found myself researching things I’m afraid I may have snd have reigned that in.  Too easy to go down so many rabbit holes.  Scare myself.  Hard enough to keep up with the pandemic which is enough reality.  Reality of my known conditions.  I don’t know why we look for more except hope we don’t  fit the parameters.  
 

 

 

 

[Margm]

34 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 I don’t know why we look for more except hope we don’t  fit the parameters.

Oh gosh Gwen.  I just erased some of the most depressing things.  I feel better with them gone.  I even said the word "die" and I have said that a few times lately.  I have tried to say "gone, left" and other words that make it seem he is on vacation.  Who knows, he might be enjoying himself lots more than we are.  I have my "Chicago" shows saved.  Think I will watch them.  It is raining and all kinds of warnings for weather.  I don't want the hail to break my car windows.  

(A pharmacy) held Kelli's antibiotics for swelling in her ear canal and doctor had to lance it and give her antibiotics in office.  Seems they were backed up 700+ prescriptions and that has got to be criminal.  They had to lay off people because of pandemic.  Times are unbelievable all over.  You take care and listen to yourself sometimes.  I actually think sometimes (I don't know when to judge when) we need to take our own advice.  

[Gwenivere]

I tell ya, Marg, I’m constantly amazed at doctors that do things that are contraindicated.  One doc has made a med change as a break.  Another wanted me to change another med and I, a mere lowly patient, know if you make two changes, how do you discern which did it?  I learned this from a doctor I loved and trusted for decades and others that had common sense.  They were also the ones that when it was worth hitting the internet snd when it wasn’t.  I sure miss them.  Yup, we have to ‘doctor' ourselves as best we can at times.  
 

A back up of 700 prescriptions?  That’s insane!  You could wait days for meds you need that day!  Glad the doc could help but what a pain.  Hope she feels better soon.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

At one time she got into Web MD but thankfully, after many negative ER visits she was intelligent enough to quit reading it.

I won't read it any more for the reason that anything I know something about they give wrong information and I no longer trust them.

I hate to see her feeling fearful of phone numbers but many give reason to be suspicious.  I usually let them go to my answering machine and when I try returning the call find they are spoofed numbers or spammers.   So much for the do not call registry!

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

Times are unbelievable all over.

No kidding.  My new doctor is inundated with too many people at once so not sure what care I'll get now.  IMO, good medical care fell by the way with the pandemic.  You have to give a three week lead to get refills, IF your doctor calls them in!  I'm still having tongue lesions and throat sores.  Maybe it's my body's way of exhibiting allergies now, still get burning around the mouth sometimes too.  Wish this would go away.  Maybe the pandemic will dwindle in a year or so?  Hopefully.

How'd the storm turn out?  We're supposed to have T&L & rain the next few days but nothing scary.

I agree, Gwen, one change at a time or you don't know!

 

 

[Margm]

I never know about these storms.  I have to get out in the car to see all the limbs down, then I know and am thankful so far it has not taken the top floor off the apartments.  They have been here a long time.  I am sort of enclosed on first floor, not facing parking lot on the side.  I hear it falling off the patio above, flowing into my patio (which I don't use).  Kelli's best friend has me a table painted purple and has sent the lawn chairs, so I guess I have to maybe figure out how to open the patio sliding door anyhow.  

These are perilous times for everything.  Just saw where one company recalled everything they put out because of salmonella.  Walmart has started putting checkers back, at least ever so often.  Gosh knows I have written corporation and complained enough.  Not hard if you get just a few items, but these people sitting in the scooters, having to lean and bend with  just shopping is hard enough.  My friends tell me to have them deliver.  I'm not that bad off YET, I want to look at things and pick out what I want.  

Then, I never thought about it and took a few minutes to figure it out.  We get regular flu shots in hopes that strain of flu that runs each year is cured by that shot before it begins.  Then I read they were worried about a double flu season starting, I had to sit and think hard on what they meant.  

Y'all take care and keep trying to dodge whatever is aimed at you.  I guess the way things are going now, that means bullets too.  Kay, living far out might be inconvenient but in some of Shreveport's neighborhoods, I keep wanting to tell them to put their kids in the back bedroom.  They shoot randomly into houses, no reason,, just drive by shooting.  Crazy world.  

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I usually let them go to my answering machine and when I try returning the call find they are spoofed numbers or spammers.   So much for the do not call registry!

I spent a afternoon with my phone provider getting NO MO ROBO set up.  It was complicated because I screwed up, but last I checked it says it is working.  The  DNC registry is often overlooked and very limited.  It’s hard to report violations as they spoof numbers, not using the same twice.  With this, you let your phone ring twice. If it keeps ringing the call is deemed non spam.  It’s not 100% but it’s much better.  I just have to get in the habit of not answering right away.  I extended rings for my answering machined to not trigger it too soon where I’d have to hear Steve’s voice.  I don’t know who your carrier is, but you can google it and it will show you carriers.  I have xfinity and that was on their list.  It’s free for landlines which is what I use.

https://www.nomorobo.com/

 

 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

They shoot randomly into houses, no reason,, just drive by shooting.  Crazy world.  

When I see/hear about things like this, I can't imagine their world!  I'm glad I live where I do, with neighbors that look out for each other, leave their houses open, their keys in the ignition, and nothing ever happens.  But even then a dog on the loose can up-heave your life in a second, threatening harm to your baby!

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

https://www.nomorobo.com/

Never heard of it!  I have Century Link.  Will have to look into it.  Although a LOT of the calls are spoofed numbers.  You know it's spoofed when it says it's Amazon or Microsoft with our little town prefix!   Trust me, folks, we don't have big companies like that here!  More like Ma and Pa stores, selling beer, milk and worms (for fishing). 

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Worth a try, Kay.  Things like MS, Amazon and such in an area code where none exists might be one of the factors that the system recognizes to block.  Also, big names like that don’t call customers.  
 

Unfortunately, we have lost so many mom and pop stores from the pandemic and riots downtown.   It’s a shadow of what it was and doubtful many will come back.  I think it will take years to get back to what it was after the pandemic allows and there’s no realistic end in sight yet.  I didn’t really use them now that I’m older, but the next generations did.  Did in my day too.  I don’t like being as old as I am physically, but glad during my time it was peaceful and not dangerous.  I’d be leery to hang out downtown now.  Even the big chains have closed those outlets.

[KarenK]

Just watched the Oscars for a while. I mostly just like to get a good laugh checking out the latest "fashion". Same old stuff, but got a kick out of the blaring white tennis shoes on the Korean director. Guess there's some kind of statement there or maybe she's just smart and prefers comfort. I haven't seen any of the movies, but would like to see Nomadland. Reminded me of the RV woman that Marg has mentioned. Only recognized a few of the actors. The rest are unknown to me. I was sad to see that Glenn Close did not win(for the umpteenth time).

Just another exciting night at my place.

[kayc]

I'm amazed at how many hundreds of channels there are, yet nothing is on.  Still, it got me an air fryer! LOL

[Margm]

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

Guess there's some kind of statement there or maybe she's just smart and prefers comfort.

Guess we cannot expect more in this time of pandemic, and I actually love them going against the same old things.  Frances McDormand's dress could have come from vintage ancient sleeping gowns, but I love her "I don't care" attitude and doubt she wore makeup at all and just had windblown hair.  Maybe she slept in the gown and it was bed-hair.  I loved the one who wore tennis shoes.  That would have been me.  Seeing them (in the past) walking those stairs with those high-high heels frightened me.  It, of course, because of the times, was a thrown together mess.  I have the book "Nomadland" and used to be a nomad in a nice RV.  I always liked the roughing it part (as long as Billy was with me) and would not do it at all now.  Kelli has my nomad blood (although it is Scotch/Irish) and wants to travel similar but think this movie made her depressed.  Some people live like that because they want to.  Some because they have to.  The book was sad to me.   

[Gwenivere]

I only have ever watched the Oscars when I was a kid for the big categories.  Then it was checking them the next day.  Used to be I knew most of the movies nominated, but not so much anymore.  Maybe 2.  I did find the video of the year when Jimmy Kimmel hosted and the wrong picture was named.  Wanted to see the mess that was.  Read Harrison Ford was out of sorts as a presenter.  All I know is I want to see Nomadland snd Sound of Metal from interviews I’ve seen.  Don’t know what Glenn Close was up for, but agree in her career she has done award winning work.  At least she won for Damages on TV.

[kayc]

I don't watch the Oscars, to me it doesn't seem real, they all live in a different world, one of fantasy and not reality.  They don't struggle with bills and they're all about glitz and glamour, not my reality of struggling to get wood in, shovel snow, fending alone after surgery, alone, always alone, etc.  I can't relate and I really don't care about their bling and sequins dresses.

[Gwenivere]

I see what you’re saying , Kay.  But I also know celebrities have hard jobs and suffer personal losses.  Many have lost children and spouses.  Just because they have more money doesn’t diminish their pain.  Patrick Swayze's wife, John Travolta losing a child.   I look at Biden and don’t know how he has handed his losses.  They also have the loss of privacy in many cases.  
 

I admire the talent and commitment to their jobs often working in highly unpleasant locations with little comforts because they feel a story needs to be told.  
 

I'm playing devils advocate.  Plus I love the entertainment I so much enjoy and need.  I used to get dressed up to, not to that scale, but it felt good amid my peers.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Plus I love the entertainment I so much enjoy and need.

"Grace and Frankie" made me laugh out loud at a time I thought I never would again.  Sometimes Bri and I will get on a series (I don't watch as much TV anymore, I read, while I can.) and that series we will sit through two nights of the whole series, and it won't return for a few months.  Most times they leave on a cliff hanger and I wonder if I will live to see the follow-up.  This new one "Shadow and Bone" we watched the whole first season in a couple of days.  I kept wanting to leave it, did not understand it, the time period I could not figure out, and come to find out, it is a series of teenager-young adult books.  Kind of like "The Hunger Games."  I don't really care to see the next season.  I understand my mysteries and biographies (books).  I have the biography of Ruth Bader Ginsburg on my Kindle.  RBG had approved it, so I'm good with that.  A lawyer critiqued her autobiography and said there were times he didn't understand it.  I'm not going to chance herniating my brain.  I like it sweet and simple and funny helps too.  I love mystery and I do read the end of the book if I have to sleep and no way I can finish the book.  Mama did that and my grandma.  Inherited irony.  (I go back and finish the book).

Not much related to grief.  I have found that there are many things I avoid about thoughts, pictures of Billy.  Actually, my son does the same, even to not wanting to wear any of his new coats.  My daughter grieves so different.  She looks it straight in the face and loves.  My mom has been gone since August 2016.  I have never cried, not even closing her eyes as she passed.  Kelli took a phone video of Mama one time when she was taking care of her, Mama was sitting up eating.  I watched about two minutes or less, but it broke through and I cried and cried.  But, it has not changed me.  I still avoid things she looks right in the face with.  Maybe it was her training and being a nurse.  Maybe she is just different.  I'm proud of her, but I cannot change.  I have fixed a path that I walk and have been able to look at pictures some.  Now, I have, after nearly five years, let my feelings out about my mom.  And I still am not sure how I feel.  No worse.