If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

I can't relate to celebrities is all.  I know they get up early and work hard, didn't we all!  I know they are not spared from personal tragedies, neither was Joe Biden, but I guess I'm just not into their glitz and glamour and can't relate to their lives.  When your garage is rotting, it's hard to imagine their lifestyle. 

 

[Gin]

My son is in southern Calif.  sometimes in Mexico with his girlfriend.  He fell last week and he had to come back to go to the ER.  Finally after about a week, it was decided that he needed surgery.  Of course his insurance is terrible.  He was taken in to surgery a few hours ago.  He called and said it did not do well and he will call later. He tore his quadricep tendon..  I have no idea what is going on.  Gin

[KarenK]

Gin, I'm so sorry to hear your bad news. I know it is doubly hard because he is so far away from you. Please keep us posted.

Sending hugs and good vibes to you both.

[MartyT]

Thoughts and prayers are with you and your son tonight, Gin ❤️

[Gwenivere]

I hope he will be OK.  My thoughts are with you both.  💖

[kayc]

Oh Gin, II am so sorry!  You must be beside yourself with worry!  Can you talk to the nurse's station to find out how he is?  My prayers are with you and your son.

[Margm]

17 hours ago, Gin said:

 I have no idea what is going on.

That has to be the most helpless feeling.  You mentioned someone was with him.  You ought to be able to talk to someone, even if he is not a child, he is still your child.  Please let us know.  

[KarenK]

Gin, just thinking of you and wondering how your son is doing. Did the surgery turn out alright? Please let us know.

[Gin]

I had a rough week with my son.  Very little communication from him.  One time he said the surgery did not go well.  More worry.  Later he said it went fine but they found 2 heart issues.  Next time I heard he was back in Mexico with his girlfriend.  How could he drive?  So many questions that will go unanswered.  At least for now he is ok.  Hope his girlfriend keeps a close eye on everything.  I can’t call her.  She only speaks Spanish and I don’t.

[kayc]

Gin, I can't begin to imagine how helpless you must be feeling!  I only wish our kids experienced an iota of what we go through as parents so they could understand and keep in touch better.  At least you kn ow someone is with him that cares and will get him help if needed.  

[Gwenivere]

I guess that’s the best you can hope for, Gin.  Someone being with him.  It’s so hard, as Kay said, to not get clear information.  Not being a mother, I can only imagine how hard this would be.  I didn’t inform my parents of every aspect of my life, but this would be something I would have.  I knew how much they would be worried.  He should know this, maybe you could remind him?

[kayc]

IDK, I rarely hear from my own kids, I didn't do this to my mom so I don't get it, and she wasn't even a GOOD mom!  We deserve better.  Gin, I hope you hear soon...

[Margm]

I had the smartest, most beautiful, hard working, aggravating Christian mother any child could hope for.  It wasn't until many years after I was 10-years-old that I realized something had happened.  In those days, you did not go to shrinks.  She would have been scared to death because she came from the small country community and place in time that you were put them in the back room, like a prisoner.  So, she did the best she could.  She did not escape to drink or to pills, she escaped to work and worked so hard that she said some nights she "felt her body sing."  After my dad passed away she worked even harder.  I have to mention, I knew what she meant about "feeling her body sing" because I think only two days in my life I have worked that hard, but I felt strange, sort of vibrations all over my body and sleep came fast.  

In the nearly five years she has been gone, and she left long before she died.  Alzheimer's is cruel, but that brain of hers was so "alive" it took that spark a long time to go out.  In those years I have come to a peace I never had since I was 10 years old.  My folks were not really mean, they just neither should have been parents.  But they were, and my sister and I have the memories that are not harmful to our body, but they did affect our life without meaning to.  At that time Willie had not written his album "Red Headed Stranger" and Mama would always look at me like I was that red headed stranger.  My sister and I are so different, but bless her heart, I'm all she has, and I love her too, although she is hard for the other relatives to get to know.  She is kind of an old fashioned college teacher, and she expects the best from her students.  She is always bringing me presents and I love her.  The other family problems are ongoing, without mentioning them.  

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday even if it is just remembering our mothers.  I don't write as much as I used to.  Sometimes, like all of us, we face a pandemic world we are not sure how to live in.  I have become more agoraphobic, and that is not good.  I have a fear, nameless, of just about everything.  I have to find a doctor around here close, it is necessary.  But, I will have to find one who will listen to me, and I don't know if they make that kind anymore.  I'm seen twice a year at my Arkansas doc, had that clinic for 23 years, but cannot go 175 miles for minor or even large things.  In the meantime, I have four others that I have to worry about.  My daughter is still the Energizer Bunny.  Her health slows her down sometimes and she will sleep almost two days but wakes up and makes herself go.  My sister is on daytime oxygen too.  I know she has fear also.  My son will wait till July to go back to doc, and I hope that gives him time.  He won't listen to me otherwise.  Neither would my dad listen to anyone, nor Billy.  

My shaking makes me have to go back and correct so much.  I'm going to put a few pictures of my mom and hugs to you all, if you are not a mother, you had one.  Love you all.  They are Mama with Grandma sitting, me and Kelli, Mama and me, my sister, me and Mama, Mama and me again, and still beautiful Mama years after my dad had passed away.  

 

[Gwenivere]

My mom died in 1990.  It was my first huge loss after an aunt I considered my 2nd mom.  This aunt and my mom were like best friends and my mom was never the same after she died.  She had already lost my father so was no newcomer to grief and had found my stepdad who was wonderful.  He became my dad.  I was 4 when they married.  My mom was 38 when she had me, my surviving sister out of 6 pregnancies was  12 years older so we never connected fully.  Haven’t been in touch for 44 years except for selling the NM house.  My mom was not prepared for a child at that age and worn out from the losses between my sister and I.  She doted on me as a toddler, but as I grew, she couldn’t handle the energy so lots of friction.  Trying to fight the nature of a young child needing to experience everything they could.  Yet, she was a great mother for caring for me in sickness and advocating against corporal punishments in the catholic schools I attended.  She did not believe in I and forbade it in no uncertain terms regarding her kid.  She fostered my art talents and I could read by the time I went to school.  We’d have pretend school at home because I was thirsty for knowledge.  She taught me to drive in empty parking lots.  She didn’t approve of my lifestyle choices when I left home.  We hurt each other a lot.   But that bond was ways there.  I could show up at her house at 5am on drugs (she was too naive to see that) and see my tears and rock me to sleep.  Her smell was primal and comforting.  She called me 'toots' from her Brooklyn upbringing.  Despite all our problems, she was a fantastic mom in the ways that mattered most.  She should have been a grandmother when I married the first time.  But had she had me at any other time I would have missed all the fantastic people in my life, most importantly Steve.  No one I knew had lost their mother when I did.  I had to navigate that alone.  That was so very hard.  People came to me when it began happening to them. Only then did I get support in my giving it.  Steve apologized for being aloof when his mom died then understanding the deep pain.  
 

I was always aware of the anniversaries at first and forgot for a few years.  Now they are constantly with me.  I would give anything to hear her NY accent she never lost in decades in NM.  She always got a kick out of that.  I tried paying her back by doing holidays for her.  Always gave her yellow roses snd a birthday gift on Xmas Eve to make it a special day like like she made my birthday close to band sometimes falling on Thanksgiving.  She knew how it could be overshadowed.  One year our family mass gathering, and they were huge with her 4 sisters and cousins and family friends, forget my day and I wandered the streets in tears.  She came looking for me.  A great bday gift.  
 

no mother is perfect.  I spent my rebellious years reminding her, yet she always loved me.  That is the greatest mom.  Even when angry and hurt my feelings, she was easy to forgive when she would stroke my hair.  The times she needed me made me feel so important.  Special.  
 

Dorothy (Dot) was a remarkable woman, flaws and all and was mine.

[KarenK]

My mother died in 2006 at the age of 96. She spent the last 6 years of her life in a living hell unable to read or write or communicate beyond a word or two due to a stroke in 2000. She had been a private secretary to corporate VPs and a U.S. congressman during her long career. She worked until she was 86. She was very smart and all that intelligence ended up being locked inside. Her funeral was attended by the governor and many so called "friends" who failed to visit her even once in her care home. It would have meant so much to her if they had. I can't forgive their ignorance.

She was a wonderful mother and my best friend and I will always miss her. She was always there for me.

[MartyT]

 Sharing: Remembering My Mom on Mother's Day  ❤️

[Margm]

Can you believe I can't drag up my words I want to say?  You have all touched me to tears.  Sometimes mom's didn't even listen to Dr. Spock.  We did the best we could with what we had and so did they.  I loved reading about your mom's.  I think that is all I can say.  My words won't come.  I am just so overwhelmed with feelings............we loved and were loved.  

[kayc]

Many of you know my mom was mentally ill, she had nearly every personality disorder there was, she was abusive, controlling, and extremely paranoid, coloring her filter and thus her responses.  She was a challenge.  But she also did the best she knew how to cook, clean, landscape, and we all got her organizational skills, efficiency.  She was a throw-away person, I wish I'd gotten that gene and her landscaping, ha!  She was hard working, even though she didn't work outside the home, clear up until she was 90 and in stave IV dementia.  She made it to 92.  

Feelings can be a paradox.  Regardless of how much of a challenge she was in her lifetime, and never the mom we wanted/needed her to be, I still love her.  She's been gone almost seven years.  I sometimes wish she were here even though I know the reality would be her responses would be disappointing and she'd never be the mom others seem to have.  The heart is weird that way.

Happy Mother's Day to you all!

[Margm]

I'm sorry Kaye.  Kids do not understand.  Strange, all of my friends loved my mom.  She was a lot of fun with them.  She stood on the outside of the groups after church.  Women would come talk to her, but my dad was the center of attention and he loved being around people.  He was another man when he came home.  Perhaps they should have known each other longer than two weeks.  Mama may not have used the vulgar words, but she let it be known there was no way she would "sleep" with him, so he married her.  That gave rise to the true old saying "marry in haste, repent in leisure."  Perhaps it was their unhappiness that made them take their anger out on us.  I can say that we may have been whipped often, (only the switches left marks from Mama), and a kid can remember things and it bothers them later in life.  There was mental abuse, but I only noticed it after my sister came nine years later.  Until then, I was Mama's problem, and she never was mean.  She was a very good mother.  After the second pregnancy, maybe she was thrown into a lifelong "something."  She hated her mother-in-law with a hate I never understood.  I watched them and my grandmother was my  Angel.  No one understood why Mama turned but she did.  I will say we never missed a meal, the house was kept up, we were never abandoned.  Mama was the hardest worker I have known and so was Daddy. They were two unhappy people, which made for a deep fog to grow up in.  But, through it all, I think they both loved us, just did not know what to do with us, and know we held them together through a tumultuous marriage.  I know marriage can have "rough rows to hoe" but you need to be friends first and not carried on as a liability.  I wish they could have enjoyed life more.  We made it through.  I cannot say Mama and I were ever best friends, and Gwen, your mom and you were friends and it touched me.  You all really touched me in ways I cannot explain.  My mom had her many good qualities, and those I have to remember.  She never let us do without anything we needed.  I envy and praise the fact that you could be friends with your moms.  I hope my kids have some good memories too.  

Well, I found a few words.  I mean it, your feelings toward your mom's and your relationships made me cry for all the little girls and their moms, tears of happiness because I felt the love.  

[Gwenivere]

41 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I envy and praise the fact that you could be friends with your moms.  I hope my kids have some good memories too.  

I wish we could have been true friends.  There was just too much I could not talk to her about, it would always upset her.  Sometimes my own choices, sometimes things thrust upon me.  She did fight for me a few times as mothers do.  She called Steve during our separation and he thought I put her up to it, which I did not.  I learned not to say much about big problems as it would have her reaching for her Valium.  But she always loved me in a way only mothers can.  I feel so bad for you that didn’t have that cleaner (?) bond uncomplicated with external forces.  
 

I’ve read how you’ve raised your own children.  I don’t think there is any doubt you learned from your upbringing how to be wonderful, caring and giving moms.  I hope your kids appreciate you for all you’ve done.  It breaks my heart when I read they haven’t contacted you snd truly hope they do today.

❤️❤️❤️
 

 

[KarenK]

Mother's Day is bittersweet for me. I was barely 17 when Debbie was born and ill prepared for motherhood. I loved her very much and her dad and I raised her to the best of our young ability. She was an easy child to raise(the polar opposite to my son). We divorced when she was 8 and I met and married Ron 7 months later. He adored her. As the years progressed and our marriage became more stressful, it had a profound effect on her. When she was 15, she decided to live with her dad in Kentucky. I knew she left because of the way he treated me. I never told him that because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I will always carry the guilt for choosing him over her. Right before she died, she apologized to me for leaving. I told her she had nothing to apologize for. We kept in touch by phone and visited when we could over the next 35 years. I was there when her children were born, for her last wedding, and when she died. Yet, I missed out on so much of her life. I can't help but wonder how our lives would have been had I made a different choice.

I was 31 when Robert was born. He was a fireball from day one. If there was trouble, he'd find it. I visited a lot of police stations in his youth. Stupid stuff, like "borrowing" the high school golf cart for a midnight joy ride. Somehow he and I survived it all. Highly intelligent, he finally "grew up" at about 25. I love him dearly.

[Margm]

Karen, whatever we did, however we lived, we cannot go back and change a thing.  My dad was 65 when he passed and his little mama, my precious angel Mammaw, her little mind left slowly after that and she never was a Hellraiser, so she just quietly sat and lost her little mind.  She ate, she drank, but she never was there like she was.  One of my young cousins that is my son's age, he grew up with her like I did.  He told me that "Memaw" (they called her different than me), he said she never was the same. A sweeter Angel I have never met.  She finally had a stroke in her 90's and her last words to me were "I've had a hard time."  And, she had not talked much since my dad had left.  My two have pulled through some tight times, but I had Billy.  I don't now and all I can do is worry.  I went to the grief thing (like the one that Kay helped with at her church), here at the Baptist Church.  I left each night crying so hard that after three times I could not go back.  Losing a husband is very hard.  A child, no matter how old, I think a part of you just withers away and I pray I go before mine.  But, Billy was so calm, so laid back, never anxious, I knew he would outlive us all.  No words can be said that will give any solace to some things.  My heart is with you today and every day.  But, we cannot go back and do a thing different.  Just no words.

[kayc]

Karen, your story brought a smile as I realize how different two kids from the same parents can be!  Boys brains mature slower and they take risks accordingly.  You've been through a lot, I can't imagine.  My kids didn't cause me problems, my daughter more worry than my son, he always made good decisions but I've been heartbroken over how his wife treats me and even him and I pray she's better with the kids, she has high anxiety in spite of meds and can go from zero to 100 without provocation.  Maybe she's bipolar, IDK.  

Both kids called me at the end of the day so didn't spend any time with me, no cards/flowers, sometimes I wonder if I mean much to them but then I remember how my son brought me my puppy 1 1/2 years ago, and how he came to my rescue during the snowpocalypse over two years ago.  My daughter's life has been very hard the last four years especially and I just don't think they realize how much I'm aging and my struggles.

My mom was abusive, pure and simple, so not a lot of flowery memories there but I was a great mom and know it, can at least be satisfied with that.  The divorce with their dad when they were teenagers was tough but at least George was a wonderful stepfather.  I remember Melissa made George a Father's Day card and brought it to the hospital and gave it to him, just a few hours before he died, it meant a lot to him.

[Gwenivere]

A friend came by for a visit yesterday.  My buddy that comes once a month if he can.  I was anxious about it as I am in such a downer place, but as usual, having good company helped.  He did a couple of things I needed and another we had talked about that has me quite blue as it’s in the forefront now that it’s real.  We shut down the music studio.  The hub of so much socializing here years ago.  I hadn’t even been out there in months.  I was bombarded with memories.  We both were.  There’s so much equipment that could be used.  Something I may tackle later to other users if they want it.  I brought in the cordless phone so I can rotate it with the bedroom one for charging.  It was named Tone Room that I changed to Our Bedroom.  My outing yesterday was to get a battery for it as it had sat for years out there.  
 

I’m not sure why I did this.  The electricity it was using couldn’t have been much being inactive.  Most things were off, but there were boards and speakers still up snd running.  I don’t know if it’s facing the reality that it’s done or what.  I knew it would hurt.  The only thing that sounded 'good' was hoping the contents got new homes and used.  But that’s going to be hard to face too.  
 

I don’t like feeling like I am erasing him.  I know I’m not, but it feels that way.  That room we designed together.  I bought an awesome rug and drapes for a sound type booth.  Tommy had strung twinkle lights around.  The window ledge has its signature bottle of premium vodka for shots.  
 

the people that used it are scattered to the wind.  Tommy said some of the stuff was too dated to be of use to many, things Steve would have updated if it was still a breathing creative place.  There’s even a printer/fax out there that could use a home.  
 

Today I’m wondering why I did this.  Why didn’t I just leave it alone?   It’s such a great room.  I’m not changing it for something I need now.  It’s just wasted space.  We had it built on with the garage and carport so he had that, I had the carport and the garage was both of ours.   At one time it was an exercise room.  I spent hours out there on the treadmill and bike and they would have to be moved on music nights.  Then it became his domain and I loved it even more.  
 

usually it’s the world that kicks us when we are down.  I did this.  Nothing has moved yet, but I pulled the life support.  Another grief mystery.  Another kick in the gut that I orchestrated.  And for what?  Closest I can figure is it fits as always having been a factor in the depression knowing it was there and waiting.  Now it doesn’t have to wait anymore.  It’s dead too.  

[Kieron]

I hear you loud and clear, Gwen.  Yesterday was a difficult day as I was doing multiple tasks, chores, errands etc. and thinking too much about what I'm going to do with this big place.  A few weeks ago, I had the main level interior walls and ceilings painted a new color in hopes of a fresh feeling in here, which gave me the chance to do a deep clean of the floors and corners as well as getting rid of stuff I don't want anymore.  It helped for awhile, but now I'm back to wondering what I'm going to do.  The overthinking resulted in a lot of tears, the kind that come from really deep within.  Haven't had those in a while.  Cosmetic changes are one thing, but there's no point in any serious remodel of the kitchen (which badly needs it) because I don't want to deal with the upheaval and mess, and besides that, it's unaffordable, and he wouldn't be here to enjoy the finished result, so why bother?  Just leave it for whoever buys this place after I get fed up enough with the upkeep to throw in the towel.  And right now that point is closer than it's been in awhile.