If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Today I’m wondering why I did this.  Why didn’t I just leave it alone?

It's part of a chink in the journey of grieving.  Realization...it doesn't hit us all at once but in the bits and pieces along the way...over thee years..  It FEELS like it guts us in the beginning but then there's all these million of losses along our way through this over the years.  My mother came home from Daddy's funeral and started throwing all his clothes away.  I can't imagine.  She didn't shed a tear at his funeral, I did.  I couldn't relate to her way of handling things, I thought it strange.  

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Another grief mystery.

Yes.

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

Just leave it for whoever buys this place after I get fed up enough with the upkeep to throw in the towel.

That's kind of how I'm feeling too.  Upkeep is one thing, unnecessary changes another.

[kayc]

On 5/3/2021 at 6:58 AM, Gin said:

At least for now he is ok.  Hope his girlfriend keeps a close eye on everything.

How're you doing Gin?  Thinking of you...

[KarenK]

Yes, Gin! Wondering how your son is doing?

Also, we haven't heard from Dee in a while. Wonder how the move is going?

[Gwenivere]

Last I heard from Dee is she was still in the midst of the final move in June.  I hope she checks in, but I’m sure she’s overly busy and tuckered out.   

[Gin]

Hi all,

Son had surgery because of a fall.  Tore knee/thigh ligaments.   Court date is next week, as far as I know.  Don’t know what will happen.  Sure hope no jail time.  He fell from a high power line while working at Com Ed. a few years ago.  They  do not seem to want to take any responsibility.  Or even pay workmans comp. He had 2 hip replacement and back surgery then.  Doesn’t sound  like he has a good lawyer.  I don’t get much info.

[KarenK]

Gin, sounds like he has been through the wringer. Hope he is on his feet again soon and all goes well in court.

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Last I heard from Dee is she was still in the midst of the final move in June.  I hope she checks in, but I’m sure she’s overly busy and tuckered out.   

Hi all:  Sorry I have not been responding lately, but I have poked in off and on without signing on and have been reading some of the latest on the Grief Forum, just haven't had the brain power to compose my thoughts and feelings.  This old lady has just been so worn out organizing, purging, packing, moving, telephone calls and all that stuff one has to do to move after living in a home for over 24 years and 51 years accumulation of "stuff".  Like Gwen mentioned in yesterday's post when she decided to make some changes to Steve's room,  or Marg opened up one of her plastic tubs full of photos and memories ....... "Why Did I Do This" ?  I honestly know what drove me to make the decision to move, too much house to maintain and too much to keep clean, etc., but the actual task of completing the decision has been more than I bargained for.  My kids are doing so much to help, but some of their previously made plans to help have had to be changed for different reasons.

The convoluted process of dealing with the county permitting offices finally ended so that means less worry in that department.   I have scheduled the moving company to move the larger items; sofa, washer, dryer, etc., on June 3 and then the monumental task of emptying and listing my present home.  I am dreading that last time I walk out the front door, but it has to be.  I will take all my happy memories while living here with me when I leave.  That includes Bob's hat that has sat where he last placed it 6 years ago on the kitchen counter with his sunglasses atop.  It will have a place with in my new home.

Gin, am so sorry to read of your son's accident, surgery, and now court case.  How awful he has to fight for workman's compensation.   Your not knowing how he is must be so difficult.  We can't stop being a Mother to our kids no matter how old they are.

My doctor would not refill my BP and thyroid RX's without an office visit.  Since it has  has been over a year since I've been to see her I am not surprised at her request.  So I did the deed and had my blood work done last week and will meet with her on Friday.  Will definitely ask her to please prescribe something to get me to sleep before 3 am every morning.  The brain doesn't shut down just because I'm yawning and ready to sleep.  One positive thing is as I was cleaning out my medicine cabinet, I found a few more Xanax that my previous doctor of 17 years had prescribed for me when Bob passed away.  She was one of those doctors that really cared how we widows needed to deal with the anxiety of being alone.  When I requested a refill with this present doctor she said she would not write a RX for Xanax.  Keeping my fingers crossed for something as I do need sleep to get through what's still ahead of me. 

Thanks for thinking of me.  Will try to do better about being on line.  I have missed you all.  Dee

 

s

[Margm]

I'm sorry to hear about  the trouble with Xanax Dee.  They no longer look at us as having quality of life but want quantity of life.  What good is that if you are in a ball of elastic rubber bands.  Control it!!!!!  That is like they told my granddaughter, "get a grip".  Those grips slip through our hands.  They give death medicine by buckets, but won't help us elderly.  I'm in mental pain, guess I have to get a grip.  So far I can get mine.  I will not interview for a new doctor.  They do not see anything but someone that "might" ask for a benzodiazepine.  Think that is the only reason for coming.  I will go to my old family practice docs so far away and if I need urgent care, I have it close.  Not fixing to "interview" a new doc.  

This moving is heart rending enough.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  Maybe after this many years you will know what to let go.  I have my memories of all our RVing trips, all our other life happenings.  I hope my mind always remembers them. The pictures stab me in the heart.  We have to do what is best for us as long as we can.  My heart is definitely with you.

[kayc]

Gin, sending prayers for your son, I'm so sorry, it does look like he got the shaft, so unfair!  This has to break your motherly heart.

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

"Why Did I Do This" ?

I ak that all the time about all this "stuff!"  The only difference being I haven't tackled it yet.  And I don't see that happening any time soon with my hands in pain and no strength, and no one to help me.  I may be stuck dying here.

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Will definitely ask her to please prescribe something to get me to sleep before 3 am every morning. 

I hope she complies.  I spent all day yesterday fighting with pharmacy, doctor, insurance...mostly pharmacy, that is MY day from hell!  I'd rather take a good beating than try to get refills, ugh!

14 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I have missed you all.  Dee

We've missed you!  So good to hear back from you and know you're alive and kicking!
I'm on Buspirone for anxiety, you might look into it as it's not an SSRI and doesn't alter the brain, it's safe and I've been on it since 2008 with no side effects, just takes the edge off so I can cope better.

[Gin]

Late last night, my son texted me to let me know that his leg is infected.  He is in Mexico and has to cross border to go back to the doctor in San Diego.  No one is there to help him.  I feel terrible but can’t think of anything I can do.  I think his insurance ran out.  I might put some money in his account.  I told him to go to ER, but I doubt he will.  I don’t think he understands how devastating infections are.

[kayc]

Maybe they will admit him.  When my friend went to the hospital with CHF, he had no insurance, they enrolled him and got him totally covered through the OR Health Plan (free for low income) and they took care of all of it, until he retired and got VA disability after all these years.  They did ALL the paperwork!

Sending up prayers for your son.  Is his GF gone too?  I'm sorry he has infection, sometimes hard to avoid. 

 

[Gin]

Hope so.  He was in the Navy for 8 years, but never hooked up with the  VA.  Al kept encouraging him to, but..,.

[Margm]

Please try to get word to him.  VA saved my son and brother-in-law's life.  My son works for the VA now also.  Our hands are tied when it comes to controlling things after they hit middle age, for sure.  Scott still won't go until his appointment time in July.  And he works there.  Scares me cause my dad would not go either.  These men, when it pertains to their "private parts" whether it is life or death, some have too much ego to save their life.  Billy emptied my bed pans, cleaned my bag that held the drainage from my colon rupture, but giving him a bed bath, instead of seeing how much I loved him and didn't mind,  he minded so much he just checked out.  I have Scott within 30 miles of where I am, he won't listen to me, it is too much a "private" matter, also an assault on their manhood.  He is just like his dad.  I can only hope and pray. Gin, I hope you hear good news.  My thoughts are with you, I understand.

 

[Gin]

Al and I tried.  Even gave him phone number.  He was supposed to go to doc today.  Hope I hear from him, but probably not.  So much worry with adult child!

[Margm]

Oh Gin, I so very much understand, maybe more even than when they were 4-5-6, at least we could hold their hand.  I'm so sorry.  

I've got to say, if his dad was here, he would listen and still mind him.  Billy and I neither were perfect people/humans, but he admired his dad so much.  He loves me, I know.  I'm supposed to be more saintly, maybe because I'm getting closer to "The Heavenly Gates". I said an ugly word  "eff" the other day and he flinched.  I don't like being saintly.  Not in my DNA.

[kayc]

The VA has been a lifesaver to my friend Jim.  Your son may qualify for disability as well.  Free meds, medical service.  Not sure why he won't try, maybe he feels he has nothing in him to fight with?

[Gin]

Not sure, either.  Gets me very upset!

[widow'15]

15 hours ago, kayc said:

The VA has been a lifesaver to my friend Jim.  Your son may qualify for disability as well.

Oh yes Gin, the VA benefits have also helped my son in law and my daughter's life in so many ways.  My SIL served in Vietnam and after applying for disability benefits their standard of living improved greatly.  Hopefully someone will be able to change his mind to at least to make that call to make an appointment to talk with the VA.  Keeping you in my thoughts. Dee

[kayc]

My friend procrastinated filing for disability for MANY YEARS until he was truly desperate!  Sometimes people are daunted by the bureaucracy of government, which turned out to be way easier than supposed.  They literally saved his bacon when he was most down and out!

We can look in and see so easily what someone should do, but when they're in it, they're lost in the fog...all I know to do when our hands are tied is pray.  I do that.   I think it's the hardest thing in the world to be parent to an adult child.  We don't care any less than we did when they were children, but we have no control.  A hard place to be!  My heart goes out to you, Gin.

[kayc]

On another matter, yesterday my spice rack in my kitchen fell, stripped out from the wall, it's very heavy, laden with stuff 40+ years.  I could get the screws in but clearly would not hold.  My neighbors came to my rescue!   They put in drywall anchors that will hold 150 lbs!  He was amazed I knew exactly what/where was on that shelf and easily put everything back, so nice to have it all clean and holding now!  I tell you, I have the best neighbors!   They even offered to watch Kodie if I ever have to go away.  He is winsome, for sure, he did his spinning with excitement to have company!

[Kieron]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

  Sometimes people are daunted by the bureaucracy of government, which turned out to be way easier than supposed.

This is one of the many things I do for a living.  An ounce of prevention....

People get into trouble because they procrastinate until everything is dire and crumbling around them, or in this cartoon, on fire...

 

[nashreed]

Aww... He's cute. I hope he made it out ok. 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

People get into trouble because they procrastinate until everything is dire and crumbling around them, or in this cartoon, on fire...

I’d have to say that is me in some ways.   I’ve been fighting my way through the system for months and sometimes you just plain give up.  I often feels it’s going to take an emergency to get their attention.  Doesn’t give me the warm fuzzies.  It’s actually quite scary.  There’s only one option to my varied problems open, the severe back surgery.  It’s terrifying for me to think about.  

[Kieron]

Yes, people often do just give up.  It's hard to summon the energy to do what needs to be done even though you know full well what to do.  😑

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I often feels it’s going to take an emergency to get their attention.

That's how it was for Jim.  He was literally dying, couldn't get up from prone position on his patio, his daughter had a helluva time getting him to the hospital, he was at death's door when I got there from 1 1/2 hours away.  It was a pivot-able point in his life though.