If You're Going Through Hell

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Finished Nomadland.  Definitely a downer that I wish I had not let into my state of mind right now.  Started the latest season of Blue Bloods.  Really makes yearn for a family.  And it’s Saturday, my loneliest day of the week.  Our day for extra attention. 

Good you're finished with Nomadland.  None of us need downers in our life since life is full of downers.  I watch Blue Bloods and I have often wondered if there really are families that get together every Sunday every week of the year.  When my kids were first married I tried unsuccessfully to get the family together once a month and found it an impossibility, so gave up on it.  Someone was always not available. 

I spent the past two days purging more and more stuff that I should have thrown away years ago.  The only furniture remaining are items that will have to be sold, dumped or given away which includes one bed to sleep in.  My furniture has been moved to the new place and I will be spending tomorrow, the date I married Bob back in 1964, going through so many memories and reminders of a life that is now gone and no more.  Gwen, I remembered you mentioned you won't have to face what I'm going through as you will have an executor take care of it.  I envy you totally.  I know I will get through this and I have to, since it was my idea to move.  LOL

14 hours ago, kayc said:

Anyone want a family???  BP & BS both up, of course.

kayc:  Sorry you're going through so much with your sisters.  I agree some families aren't ideal and right now you seem to be dealing with more than you should.  But, if I went into my family details, I'm sure you'd not be willing to trade.  Wishing some solution for you and your family.  Dee

[KarenK]

Dee, family dinners reminds me of when I was married for the first time in 1963. My ex's entire extended family lived here in the area, paternal grandparents, parents, 2 brothers, 3 cousins, aunt and uncle, most with spouses and a bunch of little kids. Every Sunday it was almost mandatory for everyone to gather at his grandparents' for a breakfast of steak, biscuits, and gravy. Believe me! They knew if someone was missing and you better have a good excuse! it was sheer pandemonium, but fun and we all got along.  lol  His grandmother loved it!

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I will be spending tomorrow, the date I married Bob back in 1964, going through so many memories and reminders of a life that is now gone and no more. 

Wedding anniversaries are so very hard.  Very personal celebratory dats.  No celebrations now.  Math says 57 years?  I hope the memories aren’t too painful, on the cusp if your moving on top of it.  Will be thinking of you today.  💖

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It does sound like an ambulance is the best way to transport your sister.

She called at 6:30 am yesterday and told me she's calling an ambulance.  Last night when I called they still hadn't admitted her although I assume they have as they never called me.  They were very busy with lots of emergencies.  She has several broken ribs but her nose is fine.  Nothing wrong with her eyes except she broke her glasses and dentures, can't worry about that right now, we have to find out what services are available and get her help.  I cannot take her into my home, it's not set up for someone as disabled and large as she is, she wouldn't be able to use my bathrooms, she's too large for the shower and the door too flimsy (flexible not rigid), she can't use a tub, the carpet needs replaced but I have no help/strength for moving everything out and having new laid down (nor $ for it) so I have rugs everywhere, NOT what she needs as she falls so easily!  She does NOT use good judgment for anything!  She's resisted looking into gov't helps but will have no choice at this point!  She's afraid of losing control, wants to come home and be on her own.  She'd be happy if I moved into HER place but there's no room, no fence for Kodie, nor can I take that on, so we need to find a caregiver to come in a bit to give her a weekly shower, help with cleaning, bring her mail, take out of garbage.  I can bring her food.  She's unwilling to pay for anything well she can't have it both ways!  Either she accepts gov't services if available or she pays for it, if she can't afford it, well what can I say!  She's unwilling to file homeowner's ins. on the lady's place she fell at so all her $ will be gone when this is said and done.
Any wonder my BP is up?  Little sister FB messaged me yesterday that I need to take her in.  And FB messaging??  That's a chicken way to deal with it!  This was AFTER SHE offered to take her in!  THEN HER husband cut his finger off and spent the day in ER getting surgery on it while she had to wait out in the car for hours (they wouldn't let her in).  Polly (one who yells) was a help in persuading Peggy to call an ambulance, I know that, she gets further with her than anyone.  So after working the church' garage sale (SUPER BUSY!) the last two days I came home to a barrage of phone calls & emails from family & neighbors, ugh!  I'm exhausted and thinking of staying home today, esp. since I need to be out all day tomorrow getting my oil changed 60+ miles away, visiting Peggy in the hospital and getting groceries for the first time in three weeks.  Poor Kodie is spending way too much time home alone but my neighbor (who has cancer) came and got him yesterday mid-day to play with her dog for 2 1/2 hours!  They ran and played hard the whole time!

 

[kayc]

Gwen, it sounds like what the back doctor said made sense and good to know the compression can heal.  Not good the muscles atrophied.  Is there anything you can do to reverse it if given pain Rx to tolerate?  It seems old age is nothing but bad news!  This week has seemed like a year to me with all I'm dealing with, ugh.

I'm glad you've at least had a t.v. series to distract you and now that it's over you have another series to start.  You yearn for a family, I kind of wish I could give you one, ha!  (not really but maybe at times) The catch-22 of families.

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Wedding anniversaries are so very hard.

I was thinking...13 days until George's death day...then I realized 8 days until his birthday, and it hit me, his birthday is overshadowed by his death day.  Nothing hits me as hard as that.

I've decided to stay home from church today, I need to recoup and spend time dealing with Peggy's situation, ugh.  The family & her neighbors are overwhelming me.  I want to take Kodie and run away!
Thank God for sweet little Kodie!  God knew I needed him when I was back in ignorant bliss...before pandemic, before Bert's death, before my sister's situation...before...before...

[MartyT]

My dear Kay, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so overwhelmed with so much, and I wish we could take some of these burdens off your shoulders. You take such good care of everyone else, but I worry that you don't place yourself very high on that list. I know you know all about self-care and you don't need anyone telling you how to manage all that's on your plate ~ but I do feel a need to remind you to take care of yourself, lest you have nothing left to give anyone else. And I do wonder ~ if your precious George were here, what advice might he be giving you while you "recoup and spend time dealing with Peggy's situation, the family and her neighbors"? ❤️

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Is there anything you can do to reverse it if given pain Rx to tolerate? 

I could if I could get more activity, don’t know if that is good or bad anymore since this involves so much nerve compression.  But that’s a moot point since getting pain meds is impossible.   It was like trying to get blood from a stone for 14 last month from my doc.  Back doc won’t unless post op.  Pain clinic only offers steroid injections.  

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I've decided to stay home from church today, I need to recoup and spend time dealing with Peggy's situation, ugh.  The family & her neighbors are overwhelming me.  I want to take Kodie and run away!

I think that was wise, Kay.  Like Marty said, you have to put you first.  I would be fed up with all the people on you about what you should be doing to manage a situation that should be optional.  And their not getting involved to help you OR your sister.  Easy for people outside to offer all kinds of advice.  What you need is action/help.  I couldn’t take someone into my home either for care.  I have my own stuff going plus I don’t want to be a caregiver again.  I also don’t want a roommate as I can’t see anyone fitting my schedule.  Being around when I want to be alone.  Unless it’s Steve, anyone would be in the way.  I’ve lost knowing how to share space.  What I consider messes are physically too hard to clean up.  I try snd clean up after myself as I go.  Like doing dishes right after eating.  Wipe down the bathroom when I shower as best I can.  
 

Now you’ve got 2 emotional days coming up.  That’s big stuff on top of everything.  I had to think about it you’re right, Steve’s passing does overshadow his birthday too.  They’re about 11 days apart.  Very bad mix.  Am I supposed to be sad one day, happy about him another?  Doesn’t work that way.  I hate this extra 'holiday' date that never existed before.  

[kayc]

20 hours ago, MartyT said:

You take such good care of everyone else, but I worry that you don't place yourself very high on that list.

I am doing just that, it's meant I've had to combat a lot of people though and that in itself is stressful.  This morning my BP is nearly normal 122/68 after my refusal to take all this on.  I can only do so much, I have my own physical issues and my house is not geared for such extreme disability.

One of her neighbors has sent a barrage of emails even accusing Peggy of manipulation, which I've never known her to be...this "neighbor" is paranoid and takes innocent remarks/situations and twists them because her mind isn't operating correctly...we recognize this as my mom was extremely paranoid.  She is NOT fun to deal with but Peggy still wants her as a friend because she has so few...I would have cut her off a long time ago but try to deal with her out of respect for Peggy's wishes, but it's taking its toll.  I called her out on it this morning (in a nice way), not looking forward to her response but I'm thinking maybe if I only read her emails once a day or every couple of days maybe it'll slow down some?  Who knows.

Peggy has gotten no help from the doctors, she's been there two days, but they did give her pain meds and something to help her sleep.  They brought her salad and meat to eat when her mouth is all cut up and no dentures!  I'm glad she said something to them and hope it improves.  I think if she had a Home Health person come in she could maybe stay in her home, IF she stops doing things she shouldn't!  Every time she's fallen it's been because she did something she shouldn't have and should know better.  I talked to her nurse and he said they're working on helping her understand what she should/shouldn't do.  Good luck, I've been working with her on that for years!  She's very stubborn!  Isn't funny how sometimes we can be our own worst enemy?!

20 hours ago, MartyT said:

take care of yourself, lest you have nothing left to give anyone else.

Funny, I was just telling Polly that last night!

20 hours ago, MartyT said:

if your precious George were here, what advice might he be giving you

I don't think he'd give advice, I think he'd make this house ready to take her in and he'd help out with her tremendously!  I wouldn't feel so caught or stressed if he were here.  He was amazing at caring about people and making things happen, he was always a great help.  Sigh.  I sure miss that man, there's no one like him.  But had he lived he would have been disabled himself and he would not have liked that one bit.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I can’t see anyone fitting my schedule.

That would be a problem for us too, I don't want her carbs in my house, not having them here has contributed to my success with managing my diabetes.  If she were here she'd be on Keto with me!    Also we have different schedules, I get up early, she sleeps in, I'm busy, she watches t.v. or reads or talks on the phone all day...I like it quiet & peaceful, I don't turn the t.v. on until evening and watch the news and Inside Edition.  Last night I didn't sit down until past Kodie's bedtime!  I had no idea it was that late, he was falling asleep before I noticed, it's weird having it stay light so late!  So I sat down and cuddled with him, rubbed his belly, took him out to do his business, and then got his bed ready.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve lost knowing how to share space.

Ha!  Try 16 years of being alone!  I wonder if I could ever live with anyone again, I'm beginning to understand my mom better all the time, I feel my life is turning into hers, minus the paranoia.   But it feels something is missing without that person to share my life with too, it's like a whole dimension is gone, you know?  I never set out to be so alone.  But at least I have my neighbors, they mean the world to me.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Am I supposed to be sad one day, happy about him another?

All of them are hard now, anniversaries, birthdays, death days, holidays...all are a reminder of what we're missing.  Someone told me recently that they sang happy birthday to his departed wife, I loved that!  Maybe I'll try that.  It can't hurt.

 

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

it's like a whole dimension is gone, you know?  I never set out to be so alone.  But at least I have my neighbors, they mean the world to me.

We all want someone to be with, for us it has to be them.  If he reappeared now, I know I’d have a heck of an adjustment.  But oh so worth it!  Roommates at my age don’t fit the bill.  That would be disruption totally annoying.  That was for my younger days when the world was brand new snd sparkly.  Not this battered place from years of war with grief and now aging.  Where almost every task and decision is so much more complex.  
 

The last thing I ever wanted to be was alone.  Ironic that was the only bad times I had growing up and after leaving home.  My biggest fear.  I remember a summer I was on the outs with my best friend, boyfriend, only had work and my parents.   I was at their house every day. So lonely at night.  Took a weeks vacation and it was horrible with no one to share it with.  Going out to clubs alone was so bizarre.  Got myself involved with people that didn’t really care about me out of desperation.  I feel that desperation now.  But I’m old and supposedly wiser.  There aren’t really any people to get involved with now.  I saw the 2 women at the CC last night.  They are always super friendly.  Now that they are living next door to each other they are becoming best buds.  It hurts to see this for my own selfish reasons.  Envy among them.  Wanting to be a part of what could be a trio but handicapped another.  They had big plans to do shopping and work on a dog rescue today.  I sit here looking at a wellness form my doc wants for Medicare and seeing I have nothing to do but make some phone calls I don’t even care about.  I seem to be getting more reflective as I ate lunch alone for whatever over 6 years is looking out at the day knowing I’m not a part of anything anymore.  Nothing to be motivated about.  Not seeing anything positive in the future.  Just a lot of health problems and that isn’t a life to me.  Going from one to the next.  Not just to be alone thru them all.  If they could be somehow made livable and I could make thru all it would take, I’d have some peace.  But after 12 years of battle, I am sapped of more fight.

I wish I did have more occasional company to stay used to the spontaneity of it.  Not counting my housekeeper in this.  Just have my buddy from down south every month if I’m lucky.  But intense up because it isn’t a normal thing I can count on more frequently.  A neighbor that used to walk his dogs by almost every day stopped doing that as we would chat several times a week.  He’s still around, but I know he’s a loner at heart and prefers that so I haven’t bugged him.  
 

I want to ask people that find themselves in this predicament what they do snd feel.  Problem is they ARE  in this predicament.   How would you find them?  Docs just want to give me more antidepressants.  That won’t fix the physical.  When Steve first left I was mobile and I could do so much and did.  If I have to be alone, I want to know how to be content.  People do it, I know they do.  I don’t know how to stop being an extrovert imprisoned in an introvert world thru no fault of my own.  So there’s anger and frustration there.  I don’t feel anything that has happened has been with my consent.  My choice and that is the crux of the problem.  I can’t even blame myself!  Then what do you do?  How do you fix something you don’t know how it broke?  

[widow'15]

On 6/5/2021 at 10:36 PM, KarenK said:

Every Sunday it was almost mandatory for everyone to gather at his grandparents' for a breakfast of steak, biscuits, and gravy. Believe me! They knew if someone was missing and you better have a good excuse! it was sheer pandemonium, but fun and we all got along.  lol  His grandmother loved it!

KarenK:  Oh my, what a wonderful family.  You proved me wrong in my thinking there aren't families that get together weekly.  Can't imagine cooking such a meal for so many people.  Sounds fun, though.  Thanks for sharing your story. Dee

 

[widow'15]

On 6/6/2021 at 12:04 AM, Gwenivere said:

Will be thinking of you today.  💖

Thank you Gwen.  It was painful, but some days, as you know, are more painful than others.  I managed to get through the day and had some distractions seeing how my furniture looks in my new place and spending time with son and family.. 

I just received this photo.  The picture was taken from my new neighbors yard.  That doorway is my backdoor and my kitchen window......there is a fence between my son's property, but you can't see it too well.  Oh wish I had been there.  Have never sent a photo before, so hope this works.  As you can tell, I'm really changing my lifestyle.  LOL  Dee

 

[KarenK]

Dee,

How perfect! Just the kind of setting I dream of.

Those family get togethers were a lifetime ago, almost 60 years.  You're right. Probably not the norm for current times. Sad that family time has become so unimportant. If they only knew......

[widow'15]

On 6/6/2021 at 1:40 PM, Gwenivere said:

Now you’ve got 2 emotional days coming up.

That's a definite explanation of those days...... "emotional days".  Seems even though the years are passing so swiftly, those days still stir deep feelings of emotions.  Dee

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Not seeing anything positive in the future.

And that's the hard part.  Even if we make it through the struggles we are in now, what do we have to look forward to?  I see nothing but hardship in the future, so try to stay in today, believe me, it's all I can handle!  This morning I woke up wishing I had a husband, even if he couldn't do anything, it'd be moral support, someone to care, you know?  I don't recall giving George permission to leave!

12 hours ago, widow'15 said:

You proved me wrong in my thinking there aren't families that get together weekly.

Not sure I'd want my family to get together weekly, lately it's only issues/problems!  I'd rent mine out if there were any takers!  My little sister did offer to take me and Kodie in if I got Covid, I thought that was sweet.  She had it so knows how debilitating it can be and how much someone would need help.

Dee, what a beautiful setting!  And that's where you're relocating to?  Much like my own view, trees, deer, nature, I love it.  Why I exchange city/convenience for nature!  We can't get away from the world and problems, but we can de-stress in scenery like this!  And I love the owl, nice touch!

 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Even if we make it through the struggles we are in now, what do we have to look forward to?  I see nothing but hardship in the future, so try to stay in today, believe me, it's all I can handle!  This morning I woke up wishing I had a husband, even if he couldn't do anything, it'd be moral support, someone to care, you know?  I don't recall giving George permission to leave!

I try to stay in today too.  I’m not very good at it.  In fact, that creates even more stress as I know I should have more things in place.  I’ve done the biggies like advanced directives and my will, but haven’t a clue what to do if I were faced with having to go to assisted living.   Gives me the willies just thinking about that.  I’d lose control of everything.  Plus lose Melody.  
 

I wake up everyday wishing Steve were here.  If it became he couldn’t help me, we could hire someone to come in.  I could do that anyway, but I’m resistant to strangers without him around.   Not that they would harm me,I just don’t like the added reminder I am alone and having to schedule times for things.  
  

I woke up today wondering how long I can pull off that I can’t keep going on this way, so physically limited.  It’s apparent it’s not going to ease off.  Am I just fooling myself that this will somehow continue to be something I can stand living in.  And my options are all not desirable.  Steve couldn’t fix the physical, but he sure could remove some that scare me.  
 

[Gwenivere]

17 hours ago, widow'15 said:

It was painful, but some days, as you know, are more painful than others.  I managed to get through the day and had some distractions seeing how my furniture looks in my new place and spending time with son and family.. 

quite the beautiful picture.   Being a city dweller, I’d be totally freaked at deer in my yard!   I figured it would be a tough day. 
 

I had my virtual grief group last night and pretty much all of them have family.  I feel left out when it comes to that.  Some are younger and still raising their kids.  Also, adult kids doesn’t always mean they are supportive.  So I am glad yours are.  
 

We also talked about what to call these days as the usual terms sound celebratory.   I guess just personal days is the closest we can come.  It sure mucks up days like our partners birthdays that are empty now too.  And how can we even label that extra day a year that they left us?  
 

Sorry, went a babbling there.  You made it.  Much love.  💖

 

[widow'15]

Gwen:  I don't think you are babbling.  I wish I had your ability to put my feelings down in writing so beautifully like you and so many of you on this site.  Your sharing your words helps in so many ways by helping guide me through those dark days.  My son has been very supportive since Bob passed away, but I have to be careful how I share my sad days with him.  And, due to his busy life; two children and a divorce in his past, I try not to be too involved in his free time.  I feel blessed he wants me close by, but I hope once moved I can maybe find my way to a group at the senior center as well as help with my grand daughter until she is old enough to come home alone from school.  Gives me something to think about.  So, you keep babbling if that is what you think you're doing.  Hugs, Dee

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Plus lose Melody.

That is the part that makes me work so hard at this, I must have my Kodie!  If I lost him, it'd be everything...it would destroy my will to live.  Especially if it was premature and he had to be re-homed.  I could not bear the thought of him wondering where Mommy is.  Or feeling abandoned.  He loves me just as I love him.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’d lose control of everything.

That's where Peggy is at now.  She has no POA, no directives, I don't know where any of her files are or her will.  I don't know the lawyer who drew it up.  She told us nothing.  I've showed my son my files, I may have clutter but I'm extremely organized and papers in order.  If I start going downhill I'll put my son on my bank account and make him POA.  I would my daughter but she's too inaccessible.  Paul is a go-getter and gets things done that would daunt most people!  I don't care about the "stuff."  That can all be given or thrown away and I know he and his friends could get it done.  Even this place...they could tear the home down and sell the property, but I would like to pay it all off first and need to live here until then as I can't afford two places.  So that's my goal, I can't go yet.

Monday I started bawling over my BIL that I lost nine months ago.  I miss him.  And he took such good care of Peggy.  Maybe to the point of enabling her, but he genuinely cared about her.  He had a heart of gold.  My son told me last night that his dad would have been better off trying in our marriage than what he has now, that he was better off with me, too bad he didn't realize it.  It made me feel good to know that my son sees that, it's true but no one else has acknowledged that...but then my kids lived with us and knew how it was.

Gwen, you're not babbling, we care about you and everything you think/feel is important and all part of what you're going through.  If you're babbling, so am I and everyone else here!  BTW, has anyone heard from James?

Dee, I'm glad you are in such a beautiful setting and your son nearby.  If I ever had to move that is what I'd want too, my son nearby but not being invasive to his life, maintaining separate household, even a motor home on the property would do.  Not sure I'd like starting over in such a remote area and wouldn't feel comfortable starting over learning my way around, I KNOW this area and nearby towns like the back of my hand!  I guess it's good you're doing it before you get much older.  They haven't started the senior site back up yet (Covid) but hope they do soon!  I miss everyone there.  We aren't made to be alone and so cut off.  Peggy has done that to herself and I tried to get her involved volunteering or going to the senior site or something!  She retired at 49.

 

[nashreed]

Hello.

I am still around and reading the forums- I just don't have anything to add or contribute. After reading about yours and Gwen's problems, KayC, I don't feel like I should complain about anything. I know its not fair to compare and even though I'm only a year into this, I feel so disconnected and so far from Annette and my old life...I'm just resigned to my boring day to day existence, making baby steps to socialize, but then retreating. But I have my health, more or less, and my family is fine and I am thankful for that. I have a roof over my head and my family is understanding enough to let me slum here and so who am I to complain? I feel so bad for you, Gwen, and I can sympathize- but I can't do anything to help, and that's hard for me to deal with. You get invested in the people here, and if nothing else can be said about me- I did everything I possibly could to help Annette and advocate for her. I was up late at night googling symptoms, and always pushing for medical justice. Nobody messed with her on my watch. I'm now in a place where I am just a passive observer of life, trying to just get by, but I don't invest myself like I did. I'm not in control of my life- I'm just along for the ride. I'm lucky to have an outlet for my venting, but a year in...I'm just trying to find happiness where I can and I feel so bad that I don't have guilt and I'm not tortured with grief anymore. Maybe my emotions are successfully turning off. It's just what's happened. 

James

 

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

I don't feel like I should complain about anything

James, I agree with your words.  I am thankful for my little family that insisted to watch over me.  My husband was a great Dad for my two children and a wonderful husband leaving me much later in life than your loss at such a young age.  I come to this forum like you for the warm support on those days I need to know I am not alone. I hope you will continue to search for some contentment in your life. Dee

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm just trying to find happiness where I can and I feel so bad that I don't have guilt and I'm not tortured with grief anymore. Maybe my emotions are successfully turning off. It's just what's happened. 

I know you struggled with that for a very long time.   The guilt was eating you alive. I’ve had times it felt like I was emotionless.  They felt very strange to me.  You’ll just have to see how the path continues, I guess.  After all these years, I’m so tired of there never being a vitality to life and balance.  It’s either too emotional or I’m shut down like you.  Hate them both.  
 

I think we still have done control.  Unfortunately it’s now just reacting to things thrown at us.  I have choices on some things but they are all undesirable.  So I do tune out when I can.  Getting easier to do after years of loneliness.  I don’t like that. Like you said, I’m just a spectator now.  Don’t feel like anything I do matters one iota to anyone.  Worse yet, it’s true.  That is not living.

I have counseling today for an hour and it hit me.  I won’t have another human interaction with anyone I know til Sunday.  That’s a heck of a long haul.  
 

it’s another day of horrendous pain and now this feeling sick all day.  Too many urgent bathroom trips.  Those are interfering with getting out to kill time.  Went to Safeway yesterday and it was so hard.  I think my nightly glass of wine is a big culprit in feeling bad.  Do I give that up too?  I just keep losing small pleasures.  The big ones fled long ago.  I’m at the point I don’t even want to eat anymore.  Used to be I could get a little excited about it.  Now it’s a necessary evil.  And a solitary one at that.  I took a quick shower last night about midnight as I was so nose deep in vid games I wasn’t even paying attention to the late night shows I record and used to at least hear when I was playing.  I wanted to get away from that addiction.  I don’t know if it’s good for keeping up cognition, but I do know it’s not good if it totally consumes you.  
 

I have a small list of things to go, but making the stretch over days is tough.  I want to feel I’ve accomplished much more than I do.  I was always busy in days of yore.  But then I could move easily and had avenues like volunteering.  Even drives were better because I had Ally.  Now I’m alone out there.  Just another body walking around but untethered to anyone.  I do miss that.  I see others out alone, but I know most have people in their lives.  Sometimes I see someone that looks like they are alone.  It’s not something you just walk up to someone and ask to see if they have any tips.  
 

I’ve been having foreboding feelings for days now.  Probably from the walking, stomach and lightheaded feelings I have.  Not getting good sleep.  Taking meds that alter, supposedly fix, things.  I just don’t feel like I’m all here.  It’s intensified being alone.  There just is no way I’ll ever feel safe again.  Not in my soul.  Not without Steve.  They could put me in a hospital or nursing home, but in my heart I’m still fading away.

it hit me I’ll never see my counselors again in real life.  Both closed their offices.  Started from covid, but one moved to California and the other is 79 and prefers to work from home.  She may also drop the Zoom option.  I depended on those interactions.  It’s more real contact taken away.  My Sunday buddy is Zoom now.  Wow.  No wonder I feel so empty.  Take out of the equation I can’t walk well, but that is an added 3 days a week I had physical connection with people.  
 

suggestion from virtual support group this week was look for something good each day.  OK, it’s only 13 hours til I can go back to sleep.  Best I can do.

 

[kayc]

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

After reading about yours and Gwen's problems, KayC, I don't feel like I should complain about anything.

Whatever ANY of us is going through is very real and challenging to us, and whatever YOU are experiencing is valid and we care!  This has been a very hard week (seems like a year), hard to believe it's only been a week since she fell, five days since my sister went into the hospital.  I feel kind of like it worsened when she went in as they won't let her come home and because of that, her mental state has gone downhill exponentially!  A catch-22.  She doesn't know what's happening.

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm just trying to find happiness where I can

And that is all any of us can do!  You're well ahead to recognize that and aim for it.

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

I have my health, more or less, and my family is fine and I am thankful for that. I have a roof over my head and my family is understanding enough to let me slum here

Gratefulness for what we do have is so essential to our mental well being!  I'm glad you practice the spirit of gratefulness.

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

suggestion from virtual support group this week was look for something good each day.

I've been practicing this since day 11 after George passed.  (see picture of the refrigerator magnet I ran across then) It has changed me/my life.  This past week (seems a year) it's been hard, but yesterday I took a much needed break and played scrabble with some friends, Covid changed my social life but I hope for its return!  Last night I took Kodie to play with Jazzy and visited her folks.  It is so nice to see PEOPLE!    This isolation has wreaked too much havoc.  

I hear what you say, Gwen, about not seeing counselors in person, that's how I feel about doctors, I do not like the changes to our world this last 15 months.

[nashreed]

I feel for you, Kay. I know that every time Annette was in the hospital, it took even longer each time to recover from it. The last time she was in the hospital for two weeks before she passed, and I couldn't visit at all because of COVID- and I so regret that. If I would have been able to talk to her doctor every day, and seen her.... maybe it would have changed something.