If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

Peggy's mind is gone, she's like stage 3-4 dementia, I've never seen it escalate this fast (trauma induced), do not know if she'll come back from it to pre-fall.  She told me her neighbor brought her dog to see her last night (in the hospital).  She also told me a volunteer named Joe did surgery on her, it only took a few minutes.  She said men in black suits were watching her a couple of days ago...she told me that two days in a row.  She said they didn't feed her breakfast.  She told one person she has three broken ribs, me six, someone else, nine.  The doctor said 5-6.  We can't count on anything she says.  She said I'm in charge, I'm not, there is no POA, do not see how her bills can be paid, she has her checkbook with her, no one is on her account.  She can't even reach to answer the phone.  I remember my mom forgot how to use the phone in her dementia.

I doubt if the outcome would have been any different, James, but it's something one always wonder...could I have done something different?  Could I have changed the outcome?  We didn't know what we didn't know, we have to forgive ourselves.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

We didn't know what we didn't know, we have to forgive ourselves.

I’m quoting this because I do agree.  The upgrade the system went thru won’t let me react to this so I’ll do it this way.  
 

I know I couldn’t have changed the outcome of losing Steve one iota.  My biggest anger was pain med delivery as hospice kicked him out and I had to place home in a dementia facility so they didn’t do IV's in the usual way.  I felt he was conscious too much so he was restless all the time.  But I was emotionally consumed and had limited options.   Had he stayed in hospice, it would have been better.  I focus my anger at them as he didn’t die fast enough to meet their criteria.  He missed it by a week or so.  Ugh, I hate visiting that scenario.  It’s been a bad morning for hours.  I lost something precious by accident and am gonna scramble to see if a backup that was made can be restored.  
 

It was the answering machine message Steve and I did years ago. A poem with both of us talking.  I always avoided letting the machine answer to not hear it when I’m home.  Power bump knocked the time stamp out and I hit the wrong button, which I’ve never done in the many times this has happened and it went into record mode thus wiping it out.  I always wanted to know it was there as I have so few sounds of his voice.  I’ve misplaced all the cards he gave me and hope to gawd I didn’t do something in a grief meltdown like throw them out.  Cannot for the life of me find them anywhere.  
 

this cuts thru my heart.  People would hear it and always comment on how clever it was.  He had a way with writing things.  It took us lots of takes to fit it in in the allotted time.  I’ve reached out to our buddy who recorded it as a backup.  I just at least need it on disc.  I’m feeling so distanced from him right now.  I new the recording was not a small thing.  I’ve made calls to Tommy and my counselor.  These are the times that truly test our grief.  Were he here, we’d just do it again.  Simple.  
 

I’m so tired of trying to not take things personally.  A dental cleaning I don’t know if I can do because of my back, but if I can, no nitrous as my dentist is retiring and didn’t renew the supply.  Will my counselor meet with me half an hour later as I so need it.   My cleaning day being cancelled for Juneteenth and it’s the day the linens are changed.  Only my housekeeper knows how to do mine.  I trekked to the lab yesterday and did myself in as waiting for assistance never happened.  Made me feel even more abandoned bring at this huge medical facility that couldn’t find a way to help me get inside.  So I payed for my trek last night big time.  
 

so I sit today.  Have to get gas, food for the weekend and not sure how I’ll do on shopping, waiting to hear from the many calls I made to get voice mail mostly.  I so miss when people answered phones.  I love technology for stuff like our group and Zoom, but hate it as it makes it often harder to get answers I need.  
 

wish I could ❤️ The posts that affect me.  Poor Marty is hostage to software updates.  

[widow'15]

Gwen:  I'm so in tune to what you stated about how quickly this world we have to fight alone is constantly updating and changing.  My old brain can't keep up nor can my old laptop.  I am happy to read confirmation on the software update.  I thought I was losing my mind, cause I could not sign on.  I had to try to remember which email account and password I signed on to the Forum years ago.  Also, am getting nervous about ordering my groceries.  The last two times I ordered pick up service from Fred Meyers, I have had to struggle.  And now again this week.  So, then I thought I'd try Safeway, not working there either.  I have to constantly self talk myself down from wanting to scream out loud when all of these issues arrive.

I am so sorry you lost Steve's voice on your telephone.  I totally know how that feels.  I hope your friend can retrieve the recording.  I wanted to save Bob's voice on his cell phone when I deleted my cell and use his cell, but the Verizon sales agent misunderstood me and ended up cancelling his line instead of mine.  Shortly after Bob passed away I had to change the landline phone with his voice, hearing his beautiful voice so early in my grief was too painful.  I wished I had replaced the tape with a new tape instead.....I think I could've done that ???

I made myself go out today and do a few errands.  One errand was to drop off the paperwork  for a disabled parking placard.   I was surprised they would be handing me a placard today.  Parking in even small parking lots I have noticed, or I seem to think people are hurrying more, and not paying attention to this old lady walking slowly with her cane.  My peripheral vision is not so good either so can't always tell when someone is rushing to a vacant parking spot.   Dee

  

 

[kayc]

I'm sorry you lost the recording and hope your buddy can help you out with that, even if not on ans. machine, just to HAVE it would be a relief!  I lost George's voice recordings about two weeks after he died when the ans. machine went back to the beginning of the tape and recorded over it.  Another loss.  Steve sounds to be very witty!

Sister Polly is demanding bank account and tax info for Peggy, how can she legally get into it anyway?  I don't want to do anything that would land me in trouble, and she wanted me to open Peggy's house so she can give away Bert's guns, she isn't even aware of the legalities that could involve!  I talked to a friend of mine who works for a law firm and she said absolutely not!  I sent her response to my siblings so now Polly is mad at me and says I won't let her in Peggy's house.  Umm, no, not for that purpose!  I'm the one the state would hold responsible as I'm the one with the key!  God, who died and put me in charge!!  Not a role I relish.  There are legal routes for a reason.  Peggy did no POA and did not leave any info/clue as to where her important documents age.  She will be moved to a care center Monday (hospital did not call me this time) and I''ll need to make the 100 mile trek to bring her clothes.  I'll find out if she wants Bert's ashes there or not.  I'd be surprised if she ever gets to come home, but who knows.  I still need to throw her food out that has gone bad in the refrigerator, I figure I'll take a look tomorrow.  People hounding me about everything.  BP & BS both up but BP down some from nine days ago when she first fell.  What a mess.

[KarenK]

Kay,

Since everyone seems to be depending on you for answers, it might be a good idea for you to contact an attorney who handles elder law. Peggy has not been deemed legally incompetent by a court and no one should be allowed to remove anything from her home(except the spoiled food, of course). If and when she is found incompetent, I would imagine a conservator could be assigned to handle her affairs. Not a fun responsibility unless you really want it.

Sending hugs!!!

[Gwenivere]

My buddy did send me a wav file.  I need it on disc as I don’t know how to store it from mail anywhere on this iPad.  He’ll do it. I’ll just miss others hearing it and my ritual of trying to beat the machine so I don’t have too.  All I know is I don’t want to lose it.  I listened to it last night.  Bittersweet.

karen has an excellent idea.  I wonder if the state could appoint someone to handle your sisters affairs and take you out of the loop as decision maker.  I would think you could decline.  It’s your other sisters that have appointed you to the unofficial role.  Someone neutral could be the hub and deal with all of you equally while protecting .Peggy's estate.  My cousin did that with my dad and I so appreciated it. It does have to be legal one way or another.  You don’t have to accept that role.  You have enough going to add that.  There will be stuff you’re doing as a caring sister as you have been anyway.  
 

I hope this gets settled when she is moved and evaluated.  Some weight off your plate.  

[kayc]

I can't afford legal fees.  My sister Polly isn't speaking to me now, trying to regard this as a welcome break but it still hurts.  She's now taken over, whatever, at least she can't get into her house.  No one but her has asked me for financial info, etc.  To me, that would have to be done through legal means.  Peggy is being moved to Marquis tomorrow according to Polly's email to us all.  I talked to Peggy last night, she was not hallucinating and sounded her old self except she's upset she's not coming home, I have not told her for how long, I told her to take a day at a time!  

Yesterday I made a big pot of soup, normally I'd take her half of it and bring Kodie to visit her.  It really hit me that I couldn't.  I know Kodie misses her, she loves him.

I never asked for nor desired this role.  I can only do what I can.  Much of this will depend upon whether this is temporary or not.  If her brain goes back to pre-fall, I will encourage her strongly to get a POA.  It'll probably be me.  Sigh.  She can't afford legal fees either.  I will pick up her mail that a neighbor is collecting for her (her mailbox is a block away across the highway at the post office's directive, even though she can't get to it, they don't care, so he's been getting it for her.) I will take her that and some clothes to wear at Marquis.  It seems my siblings are going about their lives as usual, except now Polly is making phone calls.  Fine, let her make them!  And her nosy neighbor over-involves herself, that's annoying, the medical personnel has talked to her and should not have, breaking all kinds of hippa laws.  She talks to everyone and oversteps her boundaries.

[Gwenivere]

Can’t the state step in for the legal stuff?  I don’t see why you should have to incur any costs.  I could be wrong, but they could do the work of getting her wishes and enforcing them.  I can’t see how a family could be forced to pay for an attorney.   There are so many, at least in Washington, services for this kind of situation.  Social services.  They are involved with many of the residents where I volunteered because the family didn’t exist or couldn’t be of help.  That would free you to do the little things you want and not take on the big decisions.  They could get her mentally evaluated too.  Just some thoughts that sprung to mind.  They could also bar your other sister from interfering too.  Especially regarding privacy.  

[kayc]

The last two nights she has sounded lucid, praying the nurse was wrong and the doctor is right and her mental state has every bearing on what becomes of her.  She wants to go home.  She cried hard because her loose lips invasive "friend/neighbor" told her she'd never come home again.  I am so sick to death of her interference and gossip!  I get several emails from her a day, all talking about who she has talked about Peggy with, including hospital personnel.  I intend to warn Marquis to NOT TELL WANITA ANYTHING!  The hospital (and Marquis at her previous stay) have broken hippa laws.  I will not stand for any more!  

I went to Peggy's house yesterday and took the garbage out and cleaned her refrigerator out of anything rotten/moldy.  I took her nightgowns/moo-moos home and washed them and will take them to Marquis, where she is going to today.  If she no longer hallucinates, they will let her come home as soon as she is able and it's my understanding that the state will take her home when she dies in exchange for providing Medicaid/caregiver for her.  And we do not need Wanita's help!  I told her today we would take it from here!  She has been way too invasive and does not respect boundaries.  Peggy does not need her hurtfulness or intrusiveness.  I spoke to sister Polly last night and she explained why she can't find what I've written in our group emails of doctor's names/contacts, etc.  She's computer illiterate.  Okay, I get that and it makes sense now.  She's not open to learning, citing her age (75).  I told her we can start a new thread  after a couple of exchanges if that makes her more comfortable. 

I do not know what time Peggy's being moved and have decided to give them time to get her settled before talking to them.  Invasive Wanita plans to contact them probably the second she's moved there.  Ugh.  I will talk to them later today and reiterate that they are only to talk to family!  I will give them a list of names, which they can check with Peggy.

I need to find out from Marquis if Peggy is capable of making her eye doctor appt. Wed. or if I need to cancel it.  I was planning to take her there before all this happened and am lucky I got the name of the doctor before she went to the hospital.

I also need to find out if I can bring Kodie to visit her...probably not but as long as this is temporary, she can handle it, if not, it's going to be very hard for her as she really loves him.  It was so hard to make a big pot of soup and not be able to take half to her and bring Kodie to visit her. 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Wow, this Wanita is a busy body.  She doesn’t have any right to interfere or have access to family info.  That you have to tell the facilities that is odd.  Is she pretending to be family?  That’s certainly breaking the law all the way around.  Like you need more work to report the facilities.  

[kayc]

Peggy was moved to the care center today, doesn't think she'll be there long but doesn't know what day I'll need to come get her, guess I'll cancel my eye appt Friday and may not be able to make my plans with my friend who has cancer, they were going to take me out to prime rib dinner out of town, how often does one get that!  Oh well, at least Peggy is back mentally to pre-fall/hospital state.  They told her the only reason she needs tested is because of loose lips Wanita.  I think Peggy is about done with her.  She's unbelievable.  No she isn't pretending to be family, I'm amazed they've broken hippa laws!  I warned the care center to NOT talk to her and what she's done in the past  (I have evidence that could get them in trouble).  They will comply.

I literally spent all day dealing with everything, got the intake interview done, she doesn't qualify for aid but I learned a lot from all this.  I had to drive to her house twice and now need to go again.  She wanted me to drive all the way down there to bring her diapers, I asked Marquis if they have some, they said they do.  Poor Kodie just got a walk!  Iris brought Jazzy over to play with him a few hours ago, that was a help.  He's been a trooper. 

[Gwenivere]

This week is a tough one.  Too many things for this feeble brain and body.  Had another night of drifting in pain off the last hour at least.  It’s frustrating because even if I got to bed earlier, the extra hour would just add to it.  
 

Have to call the dentist and tell them it’s iffy I can stand a cleaning tomorrow.  Also it’s earlier than I am used to so don’t know if I’ll be over bathroom runs and they have no nitrous.  If they say try, I have to reschedule my counseling to Friday.  Housekeeper coming today which is off schedule and have to isolate in my office for a meeting and that chair hurts.  Thursday talk to the back doc and I know how that will go.  Have to get another shower in somewhere.  Saw the forecast snd we are going to get close to 90 come Monday.  Guaranteed I will feel sick thru that and however long it lasts.  I’ve said it dozens of times, but I’m fed up and feel I am done.  I really wish I could go to sleep and just stay there.  
 

Had my virtual grief support group last night.  That was hard physically to sit thru after moving around all day and a short trek out to Melody’s vitamins.  Also a shower.  The topic was how our hearts feel and what lives in them now.  Always a mix.  Some have started dating, others were drowning in pain and one couldn’t even talk as she was so overcome in emotion.  All I could think of to say is my heart was full of anger and pain from the good I had and lost and what it is now is empty and constantly reminded of the things I can’t share anymore being that unique love with another.  Some have young children to keep them going.  It’s an odd mix because I feel like the only one with no one.  Friends or family.  There is one guy who is in a similar situation, but when I reached out to him, he declined wanting to talk privately.  That kinda stung, but I also understand not having the energy as he is facing all kinds of problems like me and is worn out.  There was a lot of talk of how hard it is not to be able to speak to our partner that we took for granted.  How we said ‘I love you' everyday and don’t have that anymore.  A couple of us said they love their partner more now which makes it even harder to navigate this.  It was those that had firmer support systems that seemed to be faring better.  So, it’s always a gamble how I will feel after these meetings.  In 2 weeks we are going to share our persons life over 2 groups because there are 10 of us.  Don’t know how I feel about doing that.  It requires making a presentation basically.  Can use pictures or writings.  Not sure I want to do that and not sure I want to listen to long, and there are some long winded people there, tales of people I don’t know.  What I mean is, I really preferred our old groups where we could openly talk all together with no preselected topic.  I don’t have to do it.  I just feel I got more out of interaction in the now. I didn’t need another dilemma. 
 

I have to make a call to the IRS because I haven’t received my refund.  I know this will be easy snd fun. Yah, right.  I need it too.  Why can’t things just go right?  All this technology and I’m still doing more to get things straightened out.  My dishwasher part is supposedly here to schedule an appointment.  I haven’t gotten the part.  So a call to Sears eventually.  I just want to scream!

[kayc]

It's these daily frustrations that add up to make our life difficult!  I'm spending all my time on Peggy matters and don't have time for myself/Kodie like I need, made me eat dinner late which resulted in higher BS this morning.  Now my little sister wants to meet me at Peggy's to deep clean next weekend.  Not sure if she means Father's Day weekend (George's death day) or Melissa's birthday, I wanted to take Melissa out for her bdy and really need that.  Thinking of getting a key made so they can let themselves into her house.  I can't physically do this anyway!  Personally I think Peggy should hire someone to do this, she can afford it and it's her continual neglect that has caused this, it shouldn't make it an emergency on my part.

[kayc]

I thought this was cute!  I hope it brings a smile to you.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Personally I think Peggy should hire someone to do this, she can afford it and it's her continual neglect that has caused this, it shouldn't make it an emergency on my part.

That would be hard to do with her in and out mental state, wouldn’t it?  I totally agree with you, tho.  None of this should be falling on you except what you choose that you can handle.  I thought others having keys was not a good idea?  I’m just so sorry you are caught up in this.  Hiring someone would be ideal.  Probably not hard to find someone, but Peggy would have to agree.  Do you think she would and bigger yet, is she considered competent? Hugs, Kay.  💖

[Gwenivere]

This was a day I don’t want to repeat.  I got my teeth cleaned, but it was hard physically as well as mentally as the place is closing.  I asked my now former dentist what right did he feel he had to live the rest of his life enjoyably in retirement and make us all miserable without him?  Kidding of course.  I’ll never see any of those people again.  It’s been decades we’ve gone to him.  
 

I then proceeded to do too much.  Returning some chew bones for Mel as she was eating them and hit a big grocery store that could have definitely waited.  I wasn’t used to being out so early and didn’t want to come home as there is nothing to do here until later.  I wound up feeling sick in the store from not eating a decent lunch and pushing my limits.  I’m sure my blood sugar was off from lack of food.  I was craving protein.  When I got home I had a hard time unloading things and putting them away.  Now I’m concerned about tomorrow as I only have a medical Zoom meeting, but need to take a shower for timing for upcoming days activities.  Had to move today’s counseling to Friday.  The whole week is messed up.  This kind of stuff stresses me out as routine is my only sense of control.  
 

I did find out my tax refund is coming after a 40 minute wait for a rep.  Thank gawd for that little positivity.  The part for my dishwasher arrived snd now I’m in no hurry to schedule an appointment.  I need to get back on track.  
 

we are going to have record heat a few days next week so that will be awful.  I can’t easily escape it by hanging out in stores and my portable AC isn’t set up.  I can’t believe what an old lady I am becoming from this pain.  I can’t even get decent sleep so I’m in la la land most of the day.  I was thinking how I used to write code for phone systems when I worked.  Now I get stumped on video games.  Try reading magazines and have to really focus.  
 

Well, I can still babble.  At least that’s consistent.  There was so much talk yesterday about losing our loved ones.  I’m still feeling that.  A bad side effect of being worn down.  Really want Steve snd Ally.  😓

[KarenK]

My accomplishments for the day were washing 3 throw rugs and fixing dinner. Felt like I'd run a marathon. Just so little energy. I was always so meticulous and organized about everything. I hate that it's become "hit and miss", but it's the best I can do and I don't even have the pain you do. I guess I just hate getting old.

I think in order to keep a routine in these times, you would have to be a true hermit. As long as others are involved in your daily activities, there's always the possibility of something changing. I hope you get your dishwasher fixed without delay. It's so nice to finally have mine working again.

I don't file federal returns, but my state return usually processes in a couple of weeks. This year it took 3 months. Covid did a number on everything!

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Do you think she would and bigger yet, is she considered competent? Hugs, Kay.  💖

I've been working on her and she said she's agreeable to that, we'll see. She hates Marquis.  They bring her food she can't eat (no dentures right now) ask her to copy what they do when she can't see, there's incessant noise, no peace and quiet.  I let her know if she wants to come home, she's got to do what they say to the best of her ability!  (She's not thee most cooperative person, fiercely stubborn)

I took her clothes and personal mail yesterday.  Last night after I got home there was a message from a social worker wanting to have a meeting with me Friday, I can't Friday, I have 120 mile round trip to the eye doctor, then have to go across town to Costco to order frames/lenses, then the next town over to get groceries, drive home, put them away, and take Kodie to his play date.  The day will be good and over by then.  So Tuesday it is.
Julie made other plans so they're not coming until mid July now.  

Yes I'm good and sick of this but I want her to be home where she's comfortable, but safely!  

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

This year it took 3 months. Covid did a number on everything!

I think it only took a couple of weeks for me, my tax person filed an electronic version and they use automatic deposit when I get something back.

I actually managed to vacuum night before last!  Not much time for anything anymore.
 

[Gwenivere]

I really am tired, no pun intended, of this fatigue thing.  I have so many influencing factors.  Can’t do much about any of them.  I want my thyroid normal, but the meds are tough.  I want the pain to stop but the surgery is daunting.  

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

I think in order to keep a routine in these times, you would have to be a true hermit. As long as others are involved in your daily activities

I’ve been forced into that role.  It’s awful.  It’s because there are no people involved in my daily activities.  Can’t just summon them up.  Didn’t have many, but all disappeared.  I have hit and miss connections at best.  Not a soul would know if something happened to me for days.  Ever then it would take time before the few I know would notice.  It’s the loneliest feeling I’ve ever had.  
 

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

Covid did a number on everything!

That really messed up a bad situation for me.  At least pre covid I had more interactions and the pain was less.  Not having those caused more inactivity which now has become a huge problem.  I wish I had been one that likes taking walks, but I don’t alone.  I tried shopping as there is only so many times ya need to go.  Plus covid made that a pain too.  I just got the mail snd the walk back killed me with breathing and racing heart.  All calmed down in a minute by sitting.  I mostly feel worthless.  I have a dog and 2 birds dependent on me to stay alive.  I never thought that it would feel more a burden than a joy.

I’ve gone to paper plates and mostly disposable cutlery.  Occasional real stuff now and then.   Until I can find some motivation, I’ll then schedule the DW repair.  Or I’ll schedule it in hopes I’m still able to be here as it’s getting tougher every day.  I miss having that matter.

[kayc]

I know I can't fix your problems, Gwen, but please know I care!

[widow'15]

22 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I mostly feel worthless.  I have a dog and 2 birds dependent on me to stay alive.  I never thought that it would feel more a burden than a joy.

Gwen:  You should not feel worthless......your understanding of our feelings here on the Forum and your uplifting words have helped me so many times.  As I have said previously, I wish there were some solution for your pain that would not be going into surgery.  Yes, you are necessary for your sweet animals, and I know there are times they feel like a burden, but the moments they give you joy far outweigh the burdensome days.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

Thanks everyone.  After having talked again to the surgeon it was depressing.  They had told me before if Steve (or a close friend could stay here or be available) I would have to go to rehab anyway.  Yesterday he said no, I could go right home from the hospital after a few days.  Skip that dreaded rehab facility.  That sent me spiraling about how I have no one.  My cousin says she’d come up from NM, but she is 5 years older, has so many maladies that I’d be worried she’d need medical help herself.  He asked me twice if there was someone, like my answer was going to change?  When you have no one, asking again doesn’t create one.  On top of this is my feeling sick everyday requiring lots of bathroom runs.  Lack of good sleep leaving me less than stellar in thinking during the day.  I’m just so lost about what to do.  I have counseling today, but it’s the same old frustrations.  A bit worse now as thins are worse.  Talking to her won’t fix anything.  It just kills an hour of the horridly long day.  Oh great!  She just called and is switching computers and wants to reschedule to later this evening.  Excuse me but I have to do this.....

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???  Every frigging day there has been a problem!  I don’t even know if this session will be productive as I am so pissed off.  I asked about doing this tomorrow but she said she’d have to try and adjust another engagement leaving me not knowing til who knows when.  I don’t like hanging out there and waiting.  I’m tired of others not respecting my time and needs.  We agreed on 7 tonight.  Taking deep breaths and trying to remain a competent adult here.  I’m just baffled if you knew you had a commitment, why do a computer change that day?   Why not another day when no one is depending on you?  She said it was a snag for the Zoom app not anticipated and I believe her.  I’m just prone to anger these days.  Like I am lowest on the totem pole in my needs.  I’m fed up and going for a drive in hopes I can get my food for the weekend.  I just called and said pod let’s try for tomorrow.  The session would have too much resentment today.

[kayc]

My sister fears they will never let her back home.  They are forcing her to do PT and OT (she asked if they're going to give her a job, she still has her sense of humor!).  They focus on her lacks not the strengths she's shown.  I pointed out that she'd lost her her husband of 50 years just 8 1/2 months ago and I think she's doing pretty well considering!

I don't feel that just because someone has physical infirmities that should give the gov't the right to take away their freedom and choices!  It is her life and she should be able to come home if she so chooses (and she does)!  I'm very angry with "the system."  If she had a husband she wouldn't be going through this.

Today is 16 years since George died on Father's Day 2005.  I go through each anv. of death alone.  No one even remembers but me.  It's how it is in this journey.

Gwen, IDK the answers to any questions, only how all of this makes me feel.  I'm so sorry.  Hey, you're ahead of me, I don't even know how to do a zoom call, I haven't the internet capacity for it.

 

[Margm]

I gave up on writing a complete autobiography.  Sometimes you  just have to handle things and hope it turns out okay.  

I gave up my God credentials when Billy left.  I cannot save everyone.  I can protect myself as best as I can from the fall-out, but I cannot separate myself from the problems.  I care.  I hurt for them.  I hurt with them.  

To quote Fats Waller:  Chillun', listen here to me This is my philosophy To see me through the day To scare my cares away All God's Chillun Got Rhythm All God's Chillun got swing Maybe haven't got money Maybe haven't got shoes All God's Chillun Got Rhythm For to push away the blues Yeah ! All God's Chillun got trouble Trouble don't mean a thing When they start to go ho ho ho de ho Troubles bound to go 'way, say!  

Hey, I don't have to make sense, I just live here. 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Today is 16 years since George died on Father's Day 2005.  I go through each anv. of death alone.  No one even remembers but me.  It's how it is in this journey.

Im so sorry this has rolled around again for you.  Those darned dates personal to each of us.  That yours is so closely tied to a celebrated holiday is worse.  I think about how Steve was always called 'dad' with the dogs.  That’s how they knew him.  I think about my dad and how long it’s been since I talked to him.   Steve’s passing was 11 days from his birthday.  Too close.  
 

I don’t know if you do anything special today or just get thru it.  Whichever, I’m thinking of you.  💖

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Hey, you're ahead of me, I don't even know how to do a zoom call, I haven't the internet capacity for it.

The aren’t ideal but better than just the phone to me.  A phone call with a face.  Definitely not 3D.  I always hate when they end as it’s so abrupt and this blank screen.  Snapped back to the reality of being alone.  Mel always knows when they are done somehow.  She comes into the kitchen with her toy all happy.  They don’t make sense to her.  It’s just sad to me I need them.  Use them with all my docs.  Only one is a buddy.  I preferred when we met in person, but that was pre covid and I could walk more.  We could meet now, but it’s too much for me to load up Mel and not have Ally to sit in her yard.  She’s still pretty paranoid too.  Wish I could call her a dear friend.  I could really use one.