If You're Going Through Hell

[widow'15]

22 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Every frigging day there has been a problem!

😞  Feeling so badly for you Gwen.  Good you can get relief by getting in your car and changing your disappointing feelings.  Big caring hug for you.  Dee

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Today is 16 years since George died on Father's Day 2005.

kayc:  Isn't it a shame you have to correlate a celebration, happy day with your George's passing?  I'm sad for you. Hugs for you if others don't remember.  When I experience that feeling that no one else remembers; I make excuses, it's because everyone has their own busy, crazy life to remember what has passed.

My husband and I were married on "D Day", 1964, not a happy day back in 1944, but it did make us chuckle that maybe it wasn't a good omen for our marriage.  We disapproved that notion, we were married a couple of months short of 51 years.  Dee

[Gin]

Kay, thinking of you today.  I know how it is when no one remembers!  Gin

[kayc]

Thanks Gwen.  Iris invited me to watch the newer Lady and the Tramp with her at 6 pm tonight while Kodie & Jazzy play, at least it's something to take up the time and it was nice of her.  I kept busy yesterday, what else can we do but try to get through it!  It never gets easy (to me).

Have to go to my sisters and gather all her towels/rags to wash, take her clean clothes there that I washed.  I told her this is not a long term solution, she needs to get an electrician in.  I could not live like she does, procrastinating everything important/essential!  We are very different, yet I love her.  For her, if she disregards something, it doesn't exist but there comes a time when all of a sudden it is emergent.

[Gwenivere]

I just wrapped up the week from hell.  This next one isn’t looking much better.   Heard our high temps for Monday and Tuesday will be followed next weekend with the 90’s.  Scrambling to get my buddy here to set up the portable AC maybe Thursday.  Zoom calls Monday thru Wednesday.  Hips and back really screaming from last week and little activity over the weekend.  It’s a lose/lose situation.  I’m thinking of trying to hit the grocery tomorrow just to see if I can.   Talked to Deb at the church when picking up a meal about being a part time caregiver snd she was very open to it.  The hitch would be going to bed and the waking for a bathroom break.  All stuff that can’t be known until after said surgery.  Hard to make plans not knowing what to expect.  Creates anger as hips and knees they can pretty much tell you and you can bank on it.  When I was getting ready to go to the church I knocked over a glass of water on the coffee table dousing everything including pain meds I needed when I got home.  I swear, some sick entity is having a laugh  on me.  
 

I watch the news and see some real tragedies.  Grief is a weird thing.  You lose so much perspective when turned so inward.  It’s hard watching more of created by things happening to people all over the country.  I’m just so aware of the effects for the people left after the losses reported.  
 

not sure why I wrote this.  Just another lonely night.

[kayc]

You're getting the same weather I am but they did lower it a bit this morning, yay.  Still too hot!

Gwen, you wrote it because you need heard...same as me.  I hear you, and I care.  At least you are doing something about your situation instead of just hitting ignore like my sister.  I love her probably more than anyone and yet she can drive me nuts too.  

[Gwenivere]

It’s already 83 here.  Going to get hotter.  What scares me is next weekend into into the week of predicted 90’s.  It’s too much to take with the pain and depression.  Hopefully a buddy is coming by Thursday to set up my portable AC.  I’ll have to deal  with the water reservoir when it needs emptying.  
 

my back is getting past the point of living with daily and stay sane.  I’m terrified.  I want the pain to stop long enough I can really think about all it would take to do this and if I can handle it.  Not that I can take this for much longer.  I’m guessing it would take going in thru the ER as scheduling is out til late July early August.  It’s so weird wanting the relief, but not all that comes with it for months and not feeling you want to be here at all.  So, rhetorically, what does one do in that mindset?  
 

my thinking is all over the map.  I want to get some coke slaw today for dinner but scared to try walking in the store.  I just want to disappear.  I don’t know why I’m even here anymore.  I have a scheduled doc meeting snd virtual grief group tonight.  I don’t care about either.  I went out to get the mail and felt suffocated in the heat.  Can’t find a thing I take any pleasure in.  😰

[MartyT]

9 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s so weird wanting the relief, but not all that comes with it for months

It seems to me, dear Gwen, that you're already dealing with "all that comes with it" because you're in chronic pain now, with the added anxiety of anticipating surgery and recovery, with no end in sight. All this indecision is keeping you in a constant state of anxiety and pain. If you decide to go ahead with surgery, at least you'd have the chance and the hope of feeling better than you are feeling now.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Marty.  It’s so much more complicated with other issues.  Hence why I feel so overwhelmed.  If I could have some of the others addressed while doing this it would help.  Make the most out of being forced into more isolation in recovery.  But that won’t happen.  They have no interest in the digestion problems that make a lot of up and down emergencies that add to the frustration.  I’m really not trying to complicate this, it’s just the way it is.  I wish it were as ‘simple' as just a scary surgery.  Then beig alone adds to that.  Yes, I know I can hire people or do rehab.  Guess nothing says I have to like either option.  I just want to be able to do anything now without pain.  Or if I find a position comfortable not know it’s a dread to have to move.  Can’t even find freedom in drives.  That’s more sitting and not knowing if  I can get out anywhere.  Sorry.....I’m just so turned inward with no one close to lean on just a little bit.

[widow'15]

38 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 I just want to be able to do anything now without pain.  Or if I find a position comfortable not know it’s a dread to have to move.  Can’t even find freedom in drives.  That’s more sitting and not knowing if  I can get out anywhere.  Sorry.....I’m just so turned inward with no one close to lean on just a little bit.

Gwen:  I so understand your frustration, please know we are here listening even though we aren't physically within reach so you can lean on us. 

Even though my pain level is not anything like yours there are so many times during the day or night I dread having to move; getting up from a chair or getting out of bed.  Additionally, my vision limits are creating walls for me so much I'm holding my breath as I load my car and venture out on the congested roads.  Your not wanting to drive   which once was an outlet for you, and now it sounds diminished more each week.  Earlier, I  returned from my new place in hopes of continuing to empty my old house a little more and am finding I need to consider giving up driving the hour long drive on a crazy congested state highway, instead taking a slower drive with lots of stop lights.  I know it would be safer for me.  Not wanting to stop driving since it will mean I become more dependent on others.  I am counting down each trip I take, saying, "this trip means one less trip".

Good to read your friend will be coming to set up your a/c this week.  The summer in the NW doesn't look too promising at this point.  Take care, Dee

[Kieron]

I wish I could stop by and help somehow, Gwen.  It's just my nature to do so.  💖  From what I know of severe body pain, it absorbs all your attention, energy and concentration, leaving you with nothing left over to handle things that everyone else handles without a second thought. 

[kayc]

It was well into the 90s here yesterday, living in an old mobile home that's a piece of crap doesn't help the internal temperature any.  My friends' home (down the street) was at least ten degrees cooler than mine.  I try to get through today, one day at a time.  More of the same predicted all week.  Am about to walk Kodie before it gets too hot.

Gwen, I pray you make the best decision for you, I know it's hard to think when you're in pain.

Meeting with new social worker today.  Tried to talk with son last night...he's busy.    I feel like I'm on my own in all I'm going through.  Lord only knows how Peggy is feeling, my heart goes out to her.  Thank God she's on antidepressants.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you Kieron and Kay.  It’s the severe depression that concerns me as much as the pain.  It’s actually blocking my ability to do anything but sit in it’s clutches.  I had a virtual support group last night and broke down which led to a message from the facilitator concerned if I was OK.  I have yet to address that as I don’t know what to say. Do I downplay it as there is nothing she can do?  Have my counselor today and just feel so dead inside.  I want to stop this physical pain yet I see no hope in a content life.  Got so little sleep again last night.  In bed over 7 hours, rest maybe 4 and that was with a glass of wine and my anxiety meds.  Having high heat so that’s uncomfortable.  I know I can’t get the extra blanket off the bed without severe pain.  Talked to my thyroid doc yesterday and am supposed to make some changes.  Have my med boxes and RX out to modify daily doses and know I’ll mess up a few times.  Trapped in wanting to call the surgeon and say I’ll never make it til July/august date and then snapping back to I don’t know if I can handle committing to recovery and all the blah blah I’ve said here dozens of times.  
 

I feel stuck being this me I have morphed into.  I was able to handle things as they came up since losing Steve but nothing like this stew of maladies and loneliness existed.   One of the things we talked about last night was if we were isolating more.  I said I was, but not by choice.  There’s just no one there I can count on for anything more than maybe doing something at the time.  Looking back the past couple of years it’s been that way.  But I was able to do things on my own.  Losing that is killing me.  It hasn’t been gradual to adapt to.  I still have to do some things on my own and worry if they get to be too much.  Like dressing and hygiene.  
 

Just needed to unload.  To top things off my neighbors chose today to do major yard work and the noise is most aggravating.  That and they CAN do physical stuff. I hobbled out to throw Mel’s ball but she opted out today as she hates the noise too.

[kayc]

It's going to be 100 here this weekend with more 90s beyond that, I hate this heat!  With drought, fire danger, and the creek at a very low point for June, this is serious.  So hard to walk Kodie in the afternoons!  I have to nag him to stay in the grass.

Peggy got tomato soup again last night for the fourth time in a row (she hates tomato sauces) and a lunch that she couldn't eat because it smelled so bad plus fruit cocktail.  How nutritious is this!  She comes home sometime next week, they'll let me know.  I have doctor's appts and want to get groceries Thursday so it'll probably be then.  Either way it'll mean two trips out of town next week, ugh.  Got the name of a local caregiver, her lawn guy's GF.  I got a four page list from Marquis that is no help, all in Eugene, not Oakridge.

I'm sorry you're stuck with all that racket.  Instead of making your bed, could you maybe just use sheets and throws in the summer so it'd be easier to get a blanket off?  I'm thinking if you didn't have them tucked in.  You need someone to call for these little things.  Have you thought of a part time caregiver?  I am hoping my sister hires someone to clean at least, I have my hands full and can't even do what I need to do here, been putting things off since I injured my hands but the dust on my craft stuff is growing, I really want to clean things out but am exhausted even thinking about it.  If my daughter ever has extra time, I'd hire her.  It's hard having strangers infiltrating your place, I know!

[Gwenivere]

I have a housekeeper every 2 weeks.  Getting the blanket off is just getting the dog sheet and spread off and then back on.  This is monumental now from the pain. It’s a king bed so everything is large and takes getting to both sides.  Something I used to do easily.  I don’t know what I’d use a care giver for.  It’s chores I need help with.  Tho showers are tough.   It’s only parts I could use help and I am so resistant to changing when I take them and the thought of someone having to help depresses me more.  
 

This upcoming heat is scary to me.  It really affects my lung condition.  It’s suffocating.  It’s so nice and cool today I keep hoping this is all a mistake.  I’m hoping my buddy makes it tomorrow to set up the portable AC which will keep things about mid eighties in one room.  
 

I heard back from the back surgeon and I have to start from ground zero if I opt for the surgery.  Wellness check in person, labs, ECG and covid test.  Problem is I am worse now and getting into these places is so much worse if possible at all.  All in the mindset of why bother?  My PCP if off, so the covering doctor read my update and said it was too complicated to address without an appointment so had to call and say I have an appointment in a couple weeks, it’s the edema I need help with right now.  Especially with the heat coming and no way I’ll wear compression socks in that.  Now it’s check with my pulmonologist about breathing during the stint.  It all adds up to why am I even here anymore?  This is all too much.  
 

I have a grief session this afternoon and don’t even know what to say. I’ve tried looking at things sans the back pain and see no change in my interest in anything.  A lot of misery to get there and life being what it is right now.  Alone.  I might be able to move around more, but there is nothing of interest in this life anymore.  No desires, no passions, no callings.   After all these years I feel I’ve been defeated.  I surrender in this battle and war.  My war began in 2009 and I’m out of fight.  The 5 years caring for him, 2 years of catching up on neglected things that gave way to the reality of what matters anymore and then hit with the platter of conflicting maladies.  I went from care giver to full time patient.  It sucks.  So if I did the back, it leaves 4 other conditions to treat.  I’m tired.  I feel done.  It bothers me I’ve gone more days without a shower and don’t care.  That was always important. 
 

Self pity done for the day here.  I hate this part of me.

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This upcoming heat is scary to me.

Yes, don't look forward to the predicted weekend weather.  Will be hoping and a 'wishing the weatherman made a mistake.  If not, will be sitting in front of my floor fan and drinking tons of iced water instead of being productive.

Keeping my fingers crossed Gwen, your friend is available to get your portable a/c set up so you can be a little more comfortable by the weekend.

16 hours ago, kayc said:

Peggy got tomato soup again last night for the fourth time in a row (she hates tomato sauces) and a lunch that she couldn't eat because it smelled so bad plus fruit cocktail.  How nutritious is this! 

kayc: These statements about meals in care facilities brings back so many memories of my Mother being in a Memory Care Home and my Mother in Law in her Assisted Living care home.  My MIL was an excellent cook prior to having to go to assisted living.  Once in Assisted Living, she would try to share some of her cooking tips with the cooking staff in hopes to have a decent meal.  Don't remember if they ever followed through on her suggestions, but she tried.  LOL.  Dee

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t know what I’d use a care giver for.  It’s chores I need help with.  Tho showers are tough.   It’s only parts I could use help and I am so resistant to changing when I take them and the thought of someone having to help depresses me more.

This is exactly where my sister's at, only she has not hired a housekeeper and badly needs to.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This upcoming heat is scary to me.

Me too, I checked the predictions today, they've worsened, 90s and 100s for the next week and beyond.  I hate the heat.  No A/C.  The whole next week will be trying to survive it.  You mention edema, that scares me with my BP still too high from the stress of Peggy's situation.  I'm about fed up with family.  I spent the beginning of my day doing prayer/meditation for quite a while, it lessened it but it still is nowhere near where it should be.

Six dinners in a row of tomato soup and she hates red sauce!  She doesn't want me to complain to them because she feels it'll just be held against her and she wants to come home!  Dee, I feel for your mom.  Peggy was an excellent cook in her time too.

I ordered her a blood pressure monitor and pulse oximeter for when she comes home and and also bought her a blender so she can have some nutritional food she can slather down until she can get dentures made.  This place has yet to have had a dentist or optometrist see her as they'd said.  I just want her out of there, as far as I'm concerned they are just milking it for the $ and are not helping her overall.

 

[Gwenivere]

I made a call to Lowe’s yesterday and all AC units are sold out til August!   I’m hoping my old will hold up.  It’s just harder for now now with a water  reservoir to empty with my back. My friend set it up and it works.  The best it will do is keep the house about 80, but that beats 100+.  I saw on the news how odd this is happening so soon here and how all the stores are sold out of fans too.  Can’t even buy an AC unit til August, they’re sold out on back order.
 

I got my electric blanket off the bed last night.  I should have waited til my buddy got here today for the AC, but I was tired of waking up so hot.  That room won’t be cooled during this heat wave so it will be hard sleeping as it is.  I got a full shower in last night as I know washing my hair is something I want to skip til this is over.  Just keep it pinned up like usual.   Heat and pain will be enough to deal with.

I tried talking with docs yesterday and it was nothing but frustration.  No surprise there.  Tried going to the $ Store for a few things, but they had no carts so I had to leave.  I don’t know why people keep stealing them.  They used to make them lock at the door and you would have to get them to undo that if you needed it to go outside.  Just another frustration and not sure if I will be able to shop there.  They might decide not to replace them.  

At least my neighbors aren’t using yard tools today.  They bring over a friend who has Asbergers who likes noise.  So he was using the weed whacker for almost 5 hours or cutting firewood.  A couple that lived there told him to knock it off for a little peace.  
 

now to make calls as my buddies left after getting my stuff done.  Everyone’s so busy.  I did a lot more physically than usual already so it’s going to be a long afternoon and night.  I’d like to go to a store but don’t know if that would be pushing it plus don’t have anything I have to get now.  It’s just to kill time, but with pain it’s hard to do.  
 

kay, I’m sorry about your sister.  Having been an inmate at a rehab, I know how hard it can be to get help when you need it and food issues.   I was mobile at the time so can’t imagine dealing with the daily frustrations now.  

[kayc]

Stay hydrated!  It's going to break records here for heat Sunday especially but all week will be hot, no end in sight.  I've never seen it this hot this long as what they predict, don't know how I'll survive it with no A/C.  Will walk Kodie early in the morning, but it won't cool down at night and can't be out in it!

Had to spend an hour checking on Peggy's check order this morning, hard to get anything done when I add her stuff to my own list.  Turns out the routing number changed.  I did notice hers was different than mine but thought mine the older one.

I got my shower this morning but will probably wait and do it at the end of the day tomorrow and Sunday.  I am NOT looking forward to going to Eugene in this tomorrow, much as I want to see my daughter.  I may put off seeing my sister since it'd have to be outside.  I don't think she could take it, nor could I.  Nowhere to even go in town with A/C.  I feel for cooks in this.

[Gwenivere]

Being in the Pacific Northwest and this heat wave coming, I’m pretty scared how so many of us will get thru it.   I can’t go to any of the ‘cooling places' with my back.  I do have the portable AC, but it’s never been tested in something like this.  Monday will be about 110, 40 degrees above normal.  Today it started but I’d nothing like what’s coming.  Drinking water when I don’t want to feels awful.  Eating doesn’t appeal at all.  I messed myself up Thursday doing things and I’m sure again today to get ahead of the heat to have cold ready made sandwiches in the house.  My car has AC, but can’t sit in there all day.  Don’t know how I’ll sleep at night or when I try and do a quick shower Saturday.  The bathroom is suffocating.  Don’t know what to do staying in all day.  I wasn’t sure I should drive today as I felt out of it, but being in the AC helped.  I’d never thought I would be wishing for a 90 degree day.  This is really bad.  Many businesses and schools are closing Monday.  
 

it’s another time I so miss Steve.  He’d be swearing like a sailor and I miss that.  I’d feel safer if I got feeling more sick.  He could help with taking care of Mel.  I need to clean the birdcage and that would normally be Monday.  Might have to do that late night when it drops to the mid 70’s.  Supposed to have a grief support group Monday evening, but I can’t see being in the kitchen where I can prop up my iPad.  If I feel up to it at all, might just have to listen in the living room.  It’s a weird one anyway.  People assigned that night to share about their partner.  I’m in the next group in 2 weeks and don’t really want to do it.  I liked our interactive groups and really don’t have interest in deep details about someone I’ll never know.  I’m more in if for the sharing about traveling this journey.  I’ve gotten to know their partners thru sharing.  
 

It’s challenges like this that stir up the intense yearning for my guy.  He couldn’t fix it but I’ve never gotten used to exceptionally hard times without him. This is a time the saying misery loves company is so very true.  

[widow'15]

On 6/24/2021 at 3:04 PM, Gwenivere said:

At least my neighbors aren’t using yard tools today.  They bring over a friend who has Asbergers who likes noise.  So he was using the weed whacker for almost 5 hours or cutting firewood.

On Tuesday I woke up to the sound of a chainsaw and finally determined it was coming from next door neighbors.  The neighbor's huge cedar tree, probably 100 ft tall, sits at the edge of their property line and half of the tree hangs over my property.  The huge branches have given me fits when I used to be able to work in the yard because the branches were so low plus the needle-like leaves would  plug up the street drain when it would rain.   The chainsaw was not a very large chainsaw for the size of limbs being pruned.  The high pitched whining of the chainsaw for two days just about drove me over the edge.  I can understand why Mel doesn't like that kind of noise, it was more than annoying. 

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’d never thought I would be wishing for a 90 degree day.  This is really bad.  Many businesses and schools are closing Monday.

Kinda been wishing it would even rain.  I can't remember ever being in triple digit heat.  Maybe I did when I lived in Virginia some fifty plus years ago, but my old memory is failing me lately.  Even growing up in New Orleans it got hot and with the humidity it got pretty uncomfortable, but not what is being predicted next week.  Karen is probably used to this kind of weather and is laughing at us  North Westerners.  I worry about my truck driver son, although he did say his company truck is well air conditioned.  If the pandemic didn't allow him to stop driving, I doubt the high temperatures will require him to stay home.  I will have to check the lawn tool shed and see if the kittie pool I used to bathe Maddie in is still out there.  I could find a shady spot in my yard, fill the pool with water and put a lawn chair in it and soak my feet. LOL Dee 

[KarenK]

Not laughing at you guys at all! Although it is much more humid here than it was years ago due to tons of swimming pools and a zillion golf courses, I'm sure it doesn't compare to your humidity. Plus AC is a given, here in the Southwest and we're not outside much. Makes you wonder how the early settlers survived. I remember it being in the 90's in KY, like a sauna and I couldn't breathe outside.

The kiddie pool idea sounds like a good one.

[kayc]

When I lived in Phoenix AZ everyone had either coolers or A/C.  I do not have either here, we're NOT used to this weather, not acclimated, prepared, etc.  No one can buy an A/C or even a fan now.  The house will not cool off enough at night, the air will be too warm to transfer that much heat overnight.  Triple digits today, tomorrow, Sunday, and in the 90s the upcoming week, no end in sight.  Yes, Dee, I'd LOVE the rain and cooler weather about now!

Have to be careful walking Kodie so his paws don't burn.  The grass is 6' high because the county never mows anymore.  So nowhere to walk in some places.  (I love the people who mow in front of their place!)  I can walk him early morning but at night I can only do short walk the other way and nag him to stay off the road, in the grass, until we get to Jazzy's and they can play (their yard is shaded).  So far he has not ventured into the kiddie pool.

There's a reason I moved back to OR from Phoenix all those years ago, I didn't make it there long!

[Gwenivere]

Woke up today miserable with heat and pain.  And this is still an easy day for ehat is coming.  I already feel sick from it.  I screwed up this morning and didn’t notice the hall door. Didn’t stay closed when I turned on the portable AC a few hours before I got up so the room is much warmer than I hoped. The trek to the mailbox was killer.  I broke out shorts and sandals which look funny with my knee supports.  Not that it matters.  I don’t think a kiddie pool would help as that means being outside.  When I tried opening my bedroom window the heat blasted, so windows are staying shut.  Kitchen and bathroom are hot boxes.  I’d rather be where Karen is right now, I’d have real AC.  

my neighbors had a loud, drunken party last night.  Not only do they get to wake up to this, but massive hangovers too.  
 

Very little activity here today.  Don’t have a clue how I am going to do this.  I’d like to feel the AC in my car, but lots of stuff to get to it.  What gets me looking at the heat pattern is that it will peak about 6pm.   Don’t even know why I’m writing all this.  Not gonna change a thing.

 

[kayc]

My house never cooled down, today will be the hottest by I fear tomorrow it will be even worse inside as it won't cool down at night.  It was 8 degrees warmer inside my house this morning than outside, even with four fans going!  I let Kodie sleep next to me instead of his crate as I worried about him getting too hot.

It was 102 in Eugene yesterday, will be much hotter today, breaking records.  All I see is HOT in the forecast.