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If You're Going Through Hell


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When you are adopted, I think you always have questions.  My granddaughter knows the answers of where and why and right now at near 22 this month, she does not voice questions.  She knows she is Amerasian.  She knows if she wants to talk to these people she can.  I've mentioned it and the reaction is negative. Sometimes in a family fuss, I feel her not thinking she is part or loved as much.  Blood is blood and I have passed down some medical problems to my daughter I didn't know I had.  She really has problems with them though, serious ones.  I told my granddaughter that her "Dade" was no kin to me.  I never even knew he existed, yet I loved him more than anyone on this Earth.  So, blood can cause problems, it is nice to have a lot of kinfolks, but love is love, and it does not come from just having the same blood. I'm afraid with my mood change, I widened a gulf, I hope I can close it.  She is loved so very much.

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Sounds like the gulf was created beyond your control.  I hope that is factored in when you mend fences.   Drugs can really mess us up as many can attest, myself included.  I haven’t changed much but the little I did counts and the daily pain is messing with my mind.  I hope those around you don’t see the meds you got as an excuse, but a cause.  Big difference.  No one wants to be mean.  Especially to those that matter to us.  There are times I want to strangle people, but that’s more from inside me reacting to things that should be sloughed off to not weigh me down.  I’m trying to find a way to live in this pain til the docs feel it’s worth their time to call me back.  I do have a telemedicine appointment Tuesday.  I won’t have had my lunch or meds so it’s gonna be tough.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

There's a point in a young widow's journey in which the pain becomes manageable and you are close to "forget" that you are someone who has been ripped off. A moment is when you hangout with your young friends and you feel comfortable with that, meaning you won't start crying out of nowhere and leave. 

All goes relatively well and you grow in confidence, and then it comes the talking moment in which the divorced and single pals go from: "I am finally free / I don't want a man to live with me again / If he stays he must leave the next morning / I'm not seeking for love anymore, I want a non strings attached thing".

I nod in polite agreement. Who am I to judge anybody's choices and statements about love? I have learned to separate what happens to them from what happened to me.

But at the same time I feel the resentment growing in my chest, aimed at nobody in particular. I have learned through pain that some questions and thoughts are replied with a loudly silence. In a world where commitment is lacking, as it seems, I'd do as Orfeo in the Greek myth did, I'd go to Hell if that means to bring my boyfriend back to life, TO ME, TO MY ARMS, even if he dumps me a minute later!!!!! I too want to yell my statement and rage about our unfair destiny!!!!!

A second has passed and I am still nodding at them in polite agreement....

There's a moment in which you learn to coexist in/with contradiction. 

I was part of a very special and privileged club until a bill was delivered requesting the payment for its membership. The highest price. 

Sunday ramble.....

 

 

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I’m finding it hard to do the same thing, Ana.  Listening to so many others and their problems or joys with partners and doing the obligatory nod.  Feeling the anger I am singled out.  I don’t fit anymore.  Yes, the bill is unplayable.  

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Good to see you again, Ana.  I do know what you mean about feeling singled out, or odd man out.  I see friends from our past that dropped me when he died.  I wonder how they justified doing that?  Like I'm not worth knowing if I'm not part of a couple.  But not even worthy of caring, I don't get that, never will.

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

Like I'm not worth knowing if I'm not part of a couple. 

Hi Ana.  I do not get on as often as I did.  Not a graduate, just a hang along.  Fighting the thyroid cancer with my daughter, she has a bleeding disorder (inherited from me), they are afraid to operate on such a vascular part of her body so she is taking thyroid destroying pills.  In all my years of typing medical, I did not pay attention to this.  Also, fighting my son having prostate cancer.  He goes in on the 21st.  I have my 2nd COVID shot on the 22nd.  I admit I was afraid of it.  I had an inflamed area, went away within a day, and I did have the muscle aches that were no worse than when I have my regular flu shot.  Did see a real MD, changed my  BP med, and I'm not mean anymore.  (Well, no more than usual.)

I got a call Saturday from my sister-in-law telling me to have my son come get her in NM and bring her back home.  I spent so much time looking up places close to her house that might help, then I talked to my niece.  If Billy had been here, he would have drove to NM directly to get his sister.  She has been married to my brother-in-law near to 60 years.  They own their home near the Rio Grande.  It is her husband's and daughter's life long home.  I talk to Billy's sister about three or more times a year.  The past two years their only daughter had moved in with them.  My sis-in-law begrudged her daughter being there.  No money involved, only caretaker responsibilities of a care giving daughter.  She is a teacher in the public school system, so moving a few miles from her job, my first selfish thought was she was sponging off her parents.  How wrong I was.  Her dad got angry, drove wrong way on interstate, spent night (for protection) in jail.  My niece had locks put on their cars.  My sis-in-law has had the police out 3-4 times, but obviously this was for their protection and a "no thanks" job for their daughter.  She is handling things from two parents suffering dementia at same time.  The father accepts it willingly after spending night in jail.  Mom wants to "come back home" where she has not lived in over 60 years and after spending much time getting phone numbers of places, I decided to call our niece.  This "young" woman (probably 53), has her hands full.  She is not "living off her parents," she is the caretaker of two parents with dementia.  No interference from me.  It hurts to hear my sister-in-law wanting to "come home," but this is not home anymore.  I don't want to let Billy down, but I think common sense tells me to leave it alone.  I do not envy my niece.  My biggest help to her 900 miles away is to stay out of her way.  She did not show any signs of anger at my questions.  I did not know but had noticed a small difference when talking to my sis-in-law.  

We should all have someone that steps in when help is needed (even though it is unwanted).  

I hope you all are doing as well as you can during this pandemic.  I find myself semi-agoraphobic, which probably matches my granddaughter's closely. I do have to get out around people about once a week.  I do not consider delivery, I don't trust anyone else picking out my groceries, not sure what I want.  

I have been worried about the dementia subject.  I do not know what to look for.  My daughter said that as long as I read as much as I do, and I write some too.  I don't want to lie to myself, but I wonder if dementia patients have these reasonings also.  I will be 79 next month, hardly a spring chicken, maybe a tough old hen.   

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Marty, thank you so much.  I know I had to have mentioned that a new blood pressure med was making me mean.  I just wanted to run away, but honestly, where can you go to get away from yourself.  I knew I was the problem, but did not know why.  Medication was not controlling BP anyhow.  I went to doctor in town, my sister and my mom's doc.  He changed my medication and I started seeing a difference.  Not only was the BP staying down, but the anger went away too and I apologized to everyone.  I said some hateful things to my precious granddaughter, which only added to her own problems.  I did not even consider dementia though.  I read on the BP med I was taking, and others too, can bother mood disorders.  I guess as chronic depression, this one just made me different.  As soon as I started taking the new one, I could tell the difference.  

I will read the above that you mentioned.  I do get afraid when I read symptoms though.  Need to know though.  

I did have #10.  I never thought though about it being a sign of Alzheimer's.  My mom had Alzheimer's and I believe Billy was suffering some from the aneurysm at the base of his brain.  Aneurysms scare me, yet they called Billy's "old."  Perhaps that  is why he doubted his "facilities" that we laugh at still, he meant "faculties" but was serious when he asked.  I just did not question my "faculties" when I was being "mean."  The anger disappeared with the change in medication.  But I do have many of the age related problems that I just accept.  They worried Billy, I'm not worried......yet.

 

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That’s a scary article.  I find myself experiencing many of the symptoms.  I’m hoping it’s the non stop pain and lack of good sleep plus an added med lately.  Hope these apply to depression too because that I know I have big time.

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I think I have all of the typical age related changes.  I did forget to pay one of the bills at the beginning of the month.  They send the bill out the 15th and it was double what it usually is.  It is one of those places you talk to the "bot" and he thinks he can help you with the problem, he finally gives up and lets me talk to the representative.  I argued and argued that I had paid and had the confirmation #.  I did, but it was for June.  First time, and I hope only time, I forget to pay one of those three I pay by computer.  

I cannot say I have forgotten an appointment though..  In fact, I keep the appointment calendar for whole family.

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12 hours ago, kayc said:

I see friends from our past that dropped me when he died.  I wonder how they justified doing that? 

Interesting you mention that... a few days ago I could see from the caller ID that someone we were friends with called, but did not leave a voice message.  I haven't seen or heard from them since the memorial.  Not one word since.  Why now?  I debated calling back, but ultimately deleted the caller ID entry.  After all, what is there to say after so much time?  They were more his friends than mine.

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2 hours ago, Kieron said:

They were more his friends than mine.

Probably my only snub.  We were all friends through marriage, moved away, came home, told them and the response was almost like "and who are you?"  Puzzled.  It was two couples.  One has lost her husband since.  I'm sorry for her.  

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19 hours ago, MartyT said:

What is the difference between Alzheimer’s and typical age-related changes?

Meet my sister, you'll know the difference when you go through it.  If you ask yourself these questions you either don't have it or it's not very progressed yet. ;)

Good article, Marty, I saved it.  If anyone wants my ebook on it, msg me your email address and I'll send it to you.  It was free when I got it, they've since started charging but since I got it free I don't mind sharing it the same way!

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There are people I only hear from now that I accidentally put on a pass along.  This iPad is so sensitive to touch it’s happened a few times.  I’ll sometimes get replies say, hey!  I was thinking of you.  I’m like......really?  After 6 years but you’ve said nothing?  I delete their emails tho I’m tempted to say something.  It’s not worth it as they weren’t there before, what’s the point of wasting any energy on it.  I can see why you’d delete the caller ID, Kieron.  To not even leave a message is very rude.  What are you supposed to think?  

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Happy Birthday to Billy.  He stays at 75?  Good number.  😁🎂

Yes, we were getting smoke from 3 directions, north, south and east.  The west is giving us onshore breezes keeping half the state in healthy air quality now.  It was bad for a time.  Some days the sunshine was orange.

I don’t know how close Kay is to the Oregon fires.  She’ll have to fill us in.  

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14 hours ago, Marg M said:

Kay, are you that live on the western part of USA, are you far enough away from the wild fires?  I know you must be getting some of the smoke and know Gwen does not need that (or any of us).  

I'm not real close to them at this point but we're in extreme fire danger, it can happen at any moment, one idiot does one thing wrong and we all pay...usually we don't start worrying until August but this year it started in June, I hate having the threat hang over us all summer!  I keep my air filtration system going 24/7 year around.  I'm in the mountains above Oakridge, the fires are southwest and northeast of us, also one east.

 

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Happy Birthday, Billy the Kid!!  At first I thought you made him a cake, then I realized he was 75 again. ;)

 

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Crazy night here! Just had a real "gully washer" come through. Poured heavy for about an hour, non stop lightning, and the loudest thunder I think I've ever heard. Lost power. Probably commonplace for a lot of you, but rare for us in Phoenix area.  Would bet there is a lot of flooding and damage. My backyard is a small lake. This is what is known as our "monsoon season". Doesn't usually produce this kind of rain.

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I remember times like that when I lived in Phoenix.   Our backyard a swamp.  Had rabbits at the time and worried about them drowning.  Dog was always a mess.  I hope you got your power back.  I don’t remember it helping the temps all that much.  Must be the valley the area is in.  We get some serious downpours in the PNW, but not like the monsoon type down there.  My only other experience was in NM at the time and that didn’t ever happen.  

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I notice several posts from a couple of days ago are just now showing up this morning!  I check every day but they weren't there.

Wow, Karen!  And in July!  Will be 90s here today.

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Kay,

We are upside down, for sure! It has been in the 70's here since the storm system arrived(about forty degrees below normal). It's been raining intermittently since Thurs. night's havoc. Lots of damage, flooding and road closures. Unfortunately, there will always be a few idiots who think they can drive through the raging waters. They drive around the barriers and have to be rescued. I think this system is clearing out by Sun. night. Then back to the stifling heat.

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