If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

Wow, I lived in Phoenix a few months, moved back to OR because I missed the mountains and trees and our bodies of water, coast, did NOT like the stifling heat!  And the hard water there was hard on my system.   I do remember once when it rained, everyone went running outside and danced in the rain!  No one gets so excited about it here but the last few summers here it never rains...if it did, maybe we'd dance in it too!  Esp. since we're always in drought and threat of fires in the summer now, never used to.

[scba]

I don't know if someone relates, but lately I find myself shedding tears on Sunday afternoons-evenings. It feels like my grief has returned with it's own "variant" and I don't know why, or maybe I know why. No matter how much I try, I cannot fight the feeling of feeling pain in my heart. I thought I have acquired enough tools by now.

People have started again with the saying: you're too young, what are you going to do with your life. Look at Biden, he found a new love after a tragedy. You should change landscape, change work, you don't go out, you don't have a group of friends where you live, why you are still living here and etc.... I don't want to hear this cause it causes me pain and at the same time I understand why they tell IT cause it's been 7 years and I'm 41. I cannot keep hiding behind "you don't understand". Is this an excuse? 

I'm very confused.

Ana

 

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, scba said:

I don't want to hear this cause it causes me pain and at the same time I understand cause it's been 7 years and I'm 41. I cannot keep hiding behind "you don't understand". Is this an excuse? 

I'm very confused.

Ana:  When I read your comments today I tried to think how to respond to your question.  Being old enough to be your mother, or even your grandmother,  I searched my brain how I would respond to a daughter.  And can only say, try to trust your own feelings what is right for you and not let others direct how you feel.  I will assume you have sought counseling for your loss?  Just know you are in my thoughts.  Hugs, Dee.

[Gwenivere]

Well, Ana, we can be confused together.  I’m coming up on 7 years and feeling worse.  I may get a little more slack as I’m 25 years older than you.  But no one has the right to judge how you handle your grief.  That’s great that Biden found love again, but that doesn’t happen for everyone.  All comparisons should be thrown out the window.  I’ve always considered that rule one.

I definitely have trigger times daily and weekly.  Today is one just by being Sunday. Was a really laid back day and Steve’s night to cook.  I’ve never stopped missing his grill night.   Instead I’ll drag myself to pick up a senior meal.  I was doing it because it helped the loneliness to talk with people.  That’s changed as I sink deeper into missing him when I so need him with physical problems I am having.  Also as someone that would truly get how frustrated I am and ease that with some much needed arms around me.  Since the pandemic I’ve gotten exactly 2 hugs and they felt awkward.  I so miss touch.  His touch.  The kind that made you feel everything was OK for a short time.  A much needed break in the fight.

Dee has some wise words.  I know if I were getting those observations from people again I would be very upset.  Feeling invalidated.  It’s hard enough being forever changed without outsiders opinions.  Especially to find someone 'new'.  It happens for some.  Your younger age is much more a target for such insensitivity’s.  

I’ve become s firm believer that all is normal in this journey.  It’s your heart, your loss, your path.  The one we all walk alone and no prior experience with.  We do the best we can.  ❤️

[Gin]

Went to church today and saw so many couples with their arm around each other.  Brought back such powerful memories!  I used to have that, also.  Not any more!  Gin

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve become s firm believer that all is normal in this journey.  It’s your heart, your loss, your path.  The one we all walk alone and no prior experience with.  We do the best we can.  ❤️

• Gwen:  Well said.  👏  Dee

[kayc]

17 hours ago, scba said:

I cannot keep hiding behind "you don't understand". Is this an excuse? 

No, it's your reality.  You don't owe anyone justification for your grief, it's yours, they can't "get it" having not been there.  Even for those who've lost their spouse/relationship, they are all different, for some of us the loss hits us greater than those who were in a so-so relationship.  George was my person, my soulmate, my everything, how can they understand?

[Gwenivere]

I was on a Zoom call yesterday with a Sunday buddy and broke down a bit by the depression from being alone with the medical mess and in general of losing your other half.  I could see on her face so many things. How long it’s been that I still feel it, that I was so upset, really wanting me to pull it together.  I finally did and I saw her relief.  I’m not going to judge her, but it was a stark reminder.  She’s facing eye surgery and her partner is facing surgery as well.  They are organizing dates to be available for each other.  Just like they do with all things in their lives.  It’s tough to hear knowing that isn’t an option in mine.  I just got a call saying I need a blood test for an upcoming telemedicine call and I’m scrambling trying to figure out how to get it now that I can’t walk well or be dropped off by the door.  Also the doc wanting it isn’t associated with where I get tests so it’s now more complicated.  There’s a lab at her clinic, but it’s a long walk too.  
 

Everything has gotten so complicated.  Too complicated.  And no one gets it!  I’ve heard so many suggestions I just want to scream 'YOU DON'T GET IT!!!'   How many times can you say that til someone believes you?  I’ve even tried getting help at facilities to be told they have no one available.  Or it’s only partial that I have to hope I can do some of it.  Today I have to shower.  That takes everything I have.  I’ve already gotten mail, played with Mel, fed the birds and now have to make several calls about this frigging blood test.  I was hoping a no med week.  My last for awhile.  Not thinking my thyroid doc would want to know if things changed.  I can’t even think straight.  Another nice side effect of constant pain, tasks and utter depression.   Saw a rarely seen neighbor snd he was down also.  Says he hasn’t cleaned or done any yard work in forever.  At least he was walking his dogs.   He still has that.  

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I wonder if this place has a wheelchair where they could come get you and take you inside so you wouldn't have the long walk?  It'd be worth looking into.  I have this problem with my sister too, when taking her for her appts such a long trip, I need to get groceries but may not be able to with her in tote, may have to make a special trip for that, which is costly and time consuming.  Will play it by ear.

I have two appts for her in the next week, will take hours each time, as well as the long trips.

[Gwenivere]

The problem  is getting inside.  Pretty much all places have help once you do.  I’m already fed up with today because a bulb burned out on a persnickety lamp by our bed that took forever to get going again.  Problem in the cord.  Or the extension cord.  I can’t get down to change the extension one.  Hopefully need a new lamp.  Easy unless you can barely walk.  Woke up with a massive Charlie horse that still hurts too.  Wanted to go food shopping but now don’t know if that’s possible.  I keep thinking I’ll wake up one day and be just a little achy like when this started.  Extended warranty running out this month on my car.  Pricey but one repair could be that amount if bad.  Not sure my budget can take on another recurring significant payment.  Every day brings a new challenge that shouldn’t be a challenge. I’m also finding my anxiety meds are hitting me harder now that I’m not getting good sleep.  Makes driving something I’m being very careful about.  I hate feeling spacey.

[kayc]

I should think you could call them from the parking lot and have them come out and get you.  I don't know a place that wouldn't be willing and most large medical places have a wheelchair.

Oh gosh, I know what you mean about the stupid lamp.  Okay, I had a redneck solution for something yesterday, might give you a laugh!  In my kitchen cupboard above the stove there is a huge hole in the ceiling where the hood/stove pipe was removed years ago.  Kids' dad never sealed it up, not sure why as he was usually persnickety about things.  I think he just didn't want to bother.  Anyway, I duct-taped poster board to it so bees couldn't get in.  When we had the high heat, it came down.  So I applied new duct tape and thought it was good for a few more years.  Nope.  I opened the cupboard yesterday and it was down again, so I knew that wouldn't work.  Then lightbulb idea!  Okay, here's the gross part, I don't care, it worked!  I got the old toilet plunger out of the garbage (I had washed it because I'd planned on keeping it in the guest bathroom but changed my mind) and propped the posterboard up with it.  Perfect fit!  So the handle is on the bottom, the plunger next to the poster board (the other way the stick handle would poke a hole in it), voila!  Redneck solution only a woman would do.  My mom used to fix everything with duct tape and nylons, I can add toilet plunger to her repertoire.  My mom would appreciate it if she were alive and thinking.

[Gwenivere]

 Brilliant, Kay!  I’ve used duct tape too in lots of predicaments but it’s not always the solution.  I’m sure we’d all like to have things finished properly, but sometimes that’s hard.  I still can’t find anyone to fix a toggle switch on my range hood.  Dishwasher still leaking and too distracted now to deal with Sears again.  So live without one, drain the other periodically.  
 

I’m sure places have wheelchairs.  One problem is a lot of the UW clinics have a central answering center with long wait times.  Hard to get to the actual offices if your not an established patient like this assessment is.  Second, it’s just damned depressing to need it.  It’s reality, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect me when I’m already as down as I’ve ever been in my life snd facing a surgery decision that is risky in my eyes.  In trying to avoid being unable to be independent, it could have the same effect.  They tell me no.  If it were anything but my back I’d be more trusting.  For all the good it does me, which is none, I keep bemoaning why can’t I just need a new hip or knee?  Those they have down to an art and work.  😓

[widow'15]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't care, it worked! 

kayc:  Funny! One of my sayings:  "Whatever Works".  Dee

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

One problem is a lot of the UW clinics have a central answering center with long wait times.

Oh, I get that!  I put it on speaker and play yahtzee while I wait.  I hate it when it disconnects after waiting 45 minutes and I have to start over!

[Gwenivere]

I use a headset.  What angers me is my line is tied up for so long.  I’ve gotten the beep of another call and if I’m lucky I do it right.  But I can’t monitor the wait and make other calls.   I’ve found a back door on a couple places.  Some offer to call you back when it’s your turn.  I just don’t get why so many docs don’t answer their own phones.  Isn’t that why they have the receptionists as well as other things they do?  Why do I need to make appointments at a central place rather than with my actual docs office?  It shouldn’t be so darned hard to get a human being on the phone.  Now it only works for most stores and fast food places it seems.  

[kayc]

No one seems to answer their phones anymore (businesses).  I gave good customer service all my life, where is it now that it's my turn?

My glasses are screwed up again, 4th time.  I feel defeated.  I'm tired from everything.  Woke up at 2 and didn't get back to sleep.

 

[Gwenivere]

My attitude towards life has so dramatically changed.  I used to look forward to waking up, now I just know it will be new or lingering problems.  I did too much yesterday with my back and legs because I wasn’t sure if this was the day I wouldn’t be able to get dressed.  I woke up a few hours before the alarm to expected pain, but also nauseous and a headache.  Also warm from the heat so what sleep I got til the alarm was pretty useless as I kept thinking about having to get up.  Amazingly getting the mail didn’t feel like I was going to have a heart attack.  I wish I could get some answers from the back guy about how to deal with this.  Some feels like pulled muscles and the edema isn’t good and not from this.  Do I try snd walk more, or rest the muscles?  I feel like I’m causing more damage by trying to stay active which is really a joke with how little I do.  Sitting is supposed to be the enemy too.  Sheesh, I’m whining again.  This is what I mean about how this has swallowed me up.  I’m me and I’m tired If reading my complaints.  
 

more on topic regarding customer service, one place I know I’ll always get a human is paying bills.  They’re always available to take your money! I just discovered I could do one I got online without usual hassles thru my med portal.  Must have set my card up there and forgot.  When I use another website I always encounter hassles and I get tired of reading the info to agents, I’ve gotten that burned out.  

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

My glasses are screwed up again, 4th time.  I feel defeated.

kayc: Oh NO.  So sorry to read this. 😱 Dee

[Gwenivere]

Having a hard time today with feeling sick.  Too hot and food not sitting well.  I have a test pending, but I hoping I just ate something bad.  Plus a med I increased coincides.  Couldn’t bring myself to take more this morning.  New housekeeper coming and can’t wait til she leaves.  Will have to show her the priorities.  I just want to be left alone feeling so bad.  
 

got a good pep talk from the back surgeons nurse today.  Very caring woman who is facing problems herself but putting off surgery as she is still active, but been thru the mill of trial and error approaches.  Wish I could find a positive outlook sliver to help.  I get that suggestion all the time.  She really understood the lack of good sleep and how that messes with your head. 
 

I forced myself to throw the ball for Mel.  Found a dead rat on the patio.  I was amazed she wasn’t interested in it at all, and grateful.  Got a plastic bag and forgot how big they are.  Ugh, just more death.  Still watching my parakeet struggle.  Never seen one hang on so long.  
 

renewed an extended warranty on my car.  Messed up telling them I had an issue now and they said it has to be fixed under the old policy expiring the end of August. Didn’t know that and can’t see getting it done with all the other stuff happening.  I don’t like to lie, but I should have said nothing.  I had no idea extending my policy would not cover it.  Think that is a rip off.  Guess I’ll have to do without air bags.  Ok, I’m going to confess here I called them back snd told them it was a different air bag.light that comes on it there is weight on the seat that could be a child.  I feel horrible, but hope there is forgiveness in the universe.  I’ve already said to Steve how bad I feel, tho he would have done the same thing for the cost of this coverage.  Not an excuse, but he bent rules easier for what he deemed fair for services.  We’re talking thousands.  If my conscience gets to me I can always call them back and say it came on.  Knowing me I’d probably tell the dealer anyway.  I hope I haven’t tarnished myself in anyone’s eyes.  

[Gin]

My brother died in Jan.  From covid.  Memorial service tomorrow.  Not looking forward to it.  Gin

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry, Gin.  ❤️

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Gin said:

Memorial service tomorrow.

Gin:  Keeping you in my thoughts as you say goodbye to your brother. Hugs, Dee

[kayc]

Gin, I'm so sorry, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers today as you go through his service, I've been there.  (((hugs)))

Got my glasses, the only thing wrong is a tiny scratch I can't see, but I can read with them, which I haven't done in YEARS!  They'd been offering buy 1 get one half off but now they say only 30% off, maybe because not ordered at same time, IDK.  Will be $357, thinking about it as last year I had to pay for replacement out of pocket when I fell.  Don't remember it costing that much but I reused a pair of frames.

Got Peggy's denturist appt done, two more to go at least so next Wed her eyes, next Fri her denturist again.  Ugh, I feel this will never end.  Took her out afterwards, left 9:25 am, got home 5 pm. to a notice to prepare to evacuate.  Spent an hour packing up car and then taking Kodie to play date, Iris gave me some meat, cheese, and strawberries for dinner, so sweet of her!  I can't take my huge tubs of photos and no time to go through them.  Always something.  Fire is 4-5 miles from my home.

 

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Fire is 4-5 miles from my home.

No, No, No.  You, Kodie and Peggy in my prayers.  Dee

[MartyT]

Please do keep us posted, dear Kay ~ and be SAFE ❤️