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If You're Going Through Hell


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This is my neighbor Iris (Jazzy's mom).  I feel she has me by the balls as Kodie's play dates mean so much to him, but it's super wrong to demand anything of anyone during this time!  I don't owe her anything!  It's nuts.

The last Iris knew I was in Eugene, so complying with her command would have involved TWO trips to Oakridge from Eugene!  And she wanted me to pick the lady up and have her in Eugene by 11.  Still have not responded.  Normally I don't have my cell phone on.  Have not turned it on since.

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Thinking of you today, Gwen...praying all goes well, you were on my mind first thing today.:wub:

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But your neighbor knows about the fire alerts!   That is nuts.  Just because you have dog play dates doesn’t mean obligations.  Glad you are maintaining 'radio silence'.  
 

tomorrow is the big day, but today is anxiety central too.   I’m tryng to figure out how to handle changing my OCD night routine to get to bed early and then how to handle the morning going into something that will make me hurt more, dependent and no take backs.  Being away from home and Mel is going to be so har d.  😪

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

how to handle the morning going into something that will make me hurt more

Please talk to your surgeon and anesthesiologist before your surgery (they will stop by to see you just before you're taken to the OR) and let them know of your concerns about post-op pain and ask what they can prescribe for you afterward, Gwen. And know that we're all with you in spirit as you go through this latest challenge. ❤️

Nice Recovery From Surgery Quotes. QuotesGram

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Praying for you, Gwen, we're all pulling for you!

Rough Spot.jpg

I can do this!.jpg

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In hospital.  Drugged up and mega pain.  They’ve made me turn over, stand and walk a few steps.   Hard to type as I have to hold the iPad with one hand.  Stopped breathing at some point in recovery as they gave me Narcam  which is for opiate overdose.  Mine is the panic meds and those combined.  Wanted to check in before next meds kick in.  Can’t be in a better place if here’s problem and this is a test of full anxiety meds in combo awake..  Being treated well.  Is more pain as predicted.  Melody is with buddy and wife settling in.  Birds moving tonight.   Definitely in la la land.  Wish my back was.  Just wanted to check in as I love this family.  Better stop.  Thank you for walking this part of the path with me.

❤️❤️❤️

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Gwen,

Have been waiting on pins and needles. So glad to hear from you. Hope they are giving you mega drugs for the mega pain. Check in when you can. We love you!

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Thanks, my friends.   I’ve about reached level 10 pain since they made me walk.  Haven’t a clue how I’m supposed to sleep.   I’ll spare you the whiny details.  Hope none of you ever need this!   Hoping this is worth it.  I want to go home to my baby girl.  Think of all the word salads you’ll be spared!  💖

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I kept checking back yesterday hoping to hear something but missed this...I'm usually a goner in the evenings.  ;)

So good to hear from you that you made it through okay and they're taking good care of you!  :wub: I hope with you, Gwen.  I'm glad Mel is in good hands too.  And the birds!

One day at a time...

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Think of all the word salads you’ll be spared!  💖

But I love word salads, I just can't come up with them when someone I care about hurts.  You have my mustard seed prayers.  I know he hears me, he just has to make my heart feel it.  My heart is with you and I hate the pain you suffer.

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Today was worse.  It’s the pain pills that are really the challenge.  I’m way past enjoying being high.  They say it will more tolerable after tomorrow. Definitely not a beauty contest here. Have no idea when I’ll get some real hygiene care.  Had a fantastic PT guy today who went slower and much less screaming for me.  Bathroom is a problem.   I’ve checked on my kids and all doing well.  I told Mel’s sitters not to spoil her too much, I want her happy coming home to plain old mom.  Gonna splurge and have salmon for dinner.  My insurance is making me pay a hefty co pay for 4 nights . Might as take advantage of it.  Was actually cold in Seattle today.  Barely in the 60’s.  Got lucky tonight, Django Unchained is on.


 

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I think hefty pain after the surgical drugs wear off is pretty much the norm. Hope it subsides soon. I've had a C section and a hysterectomy. Not a happy camper afterward for a while. At least the first time, I had a little bundle to love.

Sorry you're stuck with co pays. I chose higher premiums with zero co pays. 

Take care and rest if you can.

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It was in the 70s here, perfect, also not as much smoke, the day before was horrid, had to wear a mask outside.

I hope the pain begins to subside, getting used to pain is no fun.  Yes, enjoy what you can while they're taking care of you!  I'm glad you got your salmon, something I haven't had since my son was born 37 1/2 years ago, that's when I became allergic to my favorite foods.  Good the PT guy isn't yelling at you, they shouldn't anyway, I'd want to sock them you know where!  No call for that.  This is not for the faint hearted, that's for sure.

My sister came home yesterday, I had brought food for her and discovered the food I made her a full week BEFORE the evacuation was not touched.  It pained me.  She said she didn't like something in it, I told her she hadn't tried it.  I'm not cooking for her any more, we were raised that if we wasted food it was a sin, not literally but my mom was depression era, she did NOT raise us this way.  Peggy is eating pastries and ice cream (she's diabetic), I don't know where she gets them.  She's found an enabler somewhere.  She lives on diet pepsi.

I took her garbage out, it was disgusting, I won't go into detail but let's just say when I left I wanted to shower.  She has no disinfectant.

I called her a couple hours later, she said she'd been trying me over and over.  She couldn't find me in her phone.  I told her she has my number memorized so it was never in her phone.  I'll have to enter it for her tomorrow.  I told her to write it down on paper and put my name next to it.  Sigh.  I was afraid of what she'd forget while being away from home 10 days.  Dementia is horrible.

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I don't know how careful I can get.  Pain killers would lock my colon and they would kill me.  Terrible to live in fear.  I keep telling myself "quality, not quantity" and we know I have had quantity.  My best friend in high school married and moved to Wisconsin.  She always was sorta "strange" and I think she could say the same about me, if she thought about it, but she would not think about it.  Some people you feel good hearing from them.  My fault, I guess, when she got back in touch with me after Billy left, I didn't feel good.  She had just lost her husband, must have been her second, because he had kids of his own, like she did.  I didn't inquire, but her kids must have either walked away from her or were driven away.  Does not matter really.  She hated her husband that died.  He left all his money to his kids and only left her the townhouse.  So, we could not share feelings of grief and it made it hard for me to feel close to her.  She is fixing to have a triple bypass with valve replacement, or something serious like that, and she has no one.  I cannot feel close to her like I do Gwen, and Gwen and I have never met, but we did share grief, still do.  

Life is strange sometimes.  This is a stupid analogy of strange, but the light went out in my bathroom.  It is flat in the ceiling and I have to get the guy who does things around here to change it.  It is not like I do not remember my anatomy and I have a light in the little dressing room part of it.  The strange thing is, I have two bathrooms and I have never used the one in what was my granddaughter's room.  Now why is that?  I guess I'm kind of strange too.  

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On 8/20/2021 at 7:49 PM, Gwenivere said:

They say it will more tolerable after tomorrow.   

Gwen:  Hoping today was more tolerable today and you are feeling a little stronger and each day will bring you closer to being back home to your sweet Mel and your birds.   I can only imagine how difficult it is to be away from your companions.  

Yes, the cooler weather is wonderful.  Had to put on a light jacket tonite.  Don't miss the hot weather.  Hugs, Dee

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3 hours ago, Marg M said:I guess I'm kind of strange too.  

We all are, Marg. Part of our diversity and very interesting family.  
.

The pain meds are doing a number on me.  I dozed  off yesterday afternoon and was dreaming I’d get up and  grab Mel and I our news hour snacks.  Totally forgot I can’t move much at all.  Nurse was telling me they have another spinal surgery patient on this floor.  He can take enough meds to get ahead of the pain.  They have  seriously limited  me from the Xanax.  So get to choose.....anxiety withdrawal or minimal pain control.  Either way, I can’t do PT well.  They promised me they would control the pain.  They have me scared because I stopped breathing twice in surgery.  I’m not taking those heavy meds now. Won’t give me a pain pump.  I know they are trying to be careful,  but recovery is going to take so long.  Couldn’t sleep last night much.  Frigging housecleaning was here at 6am banging buckets around.  Wake you for vitals.  Had to be turned from pain which made going back to sleep almost impossible.  So I’m still in the 'why did I do this' mode.. Numerologist was .supposed to call me yesterday, but didn’t.  Hate burning up.  Last time I was here it was infinitely easier.gonna try and cool off before dreaded sleep, or more accurately  no sleep.  I was assessed as high risk but I’m finding it so hard that I was better odds this time.

 

 

,

 

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Oh yeah, hospitals waking you to take a pill, etc and either drugging you to hallucinations or withholding pain Rxs so you're in immense pain.  They did the former to my sister.  Scared us half to death!  That's why I fought so hard to get her back home, so she could "return to herself," only with dementia that will never happen.

I hope the best for you Gwen, for comfort instead of the never ending pain, for a measurable amount of progress each day, so you can return home to Mel and your birds.

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Gwen,

Have not heard from you for a bit. Has the pain let up at all? Sure hope so!

Will you be moving to rehab soon or any possibility you will go home with full time nurse for a while?

Hope you're able to get some rest.

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