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If You're Going Through Hell


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Often there is a German Wirehaired Pointer commercial, just the animal in the feature, not just featuring just him, but Briar was Billy's favorite animal.  Very active, needed exercising very often.  Billy had gotten to where he could not climb the mountain behind our house and when we let him run on his own, the main highway was too close, actually far enough away that a regular dog would not bother, but Briar was not a regular dog.  At first Billy trained him and I suspect things were going on then, I figured it was just age.  Once he let him run and he got ahold of a fox and my neighbor called.  Billy had to kill the fox and was afraid to let Briar run.  Like some sort of sign, a friend told us of a man who had just lost his "best friend" and was saddened.  He lived out in the country on 40 acres, well off the road, a big barn, a large pond (Briar loved the water), and we were told that when this man had a pet, it was his "best friend."  The man came to see Briar and they just loved each other right away.  I think Billy was jealous, but it was not good to have an active dog and not let him run.  Briar was 7-years-old at this point.  It was like he knew he had found a forever home and he never looked back at Billy, so Billy knew he was going to be okay.  Billy wasn't.  Every time the commercial came on he would tear-up, but knew it was best for Briar.  He had 40 acres (and more) to run all day, and the man loved him.  He was easy to love.  (So was Billy).  Oh, the dog was never vicious or mean, a very sweet tempered dog, just one that said "let me run."  Don't pen me in.  

 

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I can’t fast forward thru ads on TV in rehab.  So now I’m up on all of them. At home I just stop for cute ones.  I can’t pause anything here either.  It’s  the way we used to have to watch TV before we got spoiled.  🙂

Our wills are set to donate everything.  I did add my cousin in from my half.  Steve’s goes to prostate cancer research and mine to the HSUS and Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine to stop animal testing.  
 

just got my hospital bill.  As expected, a couple grand.  Will be the same when I leave here.  It may be time for a change when enrollment comes up.  I just am so worn out that the research (even with help of the state) seems too much.    The irony is paying so much to get into more pain.  Hard to fork over money when I feel so bad.  It’s getting worse and I don’t know why.  

16 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Every time the commercial came on he would tear-up, but knew it was best for Briar.


Billy was stronger than I could ever have been.  Now that I’m older and have a 7 year old, I think about her getting exercise, but she’s really content, having lived with me being older but she had Ally for years to pester, being a laid back lady.  I could never give her away and it’s fear I have right now as I prepare to go home.  I’m hoping she’ll be motivation to try and live with this pain with no help easily accessible.  

 

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My sister seems to think she won't need her caregiver once she gets through the doctor's appts. for her eyes.  She's in denial.  I'm sick of it.  Now my neighbor wants me to drive her to Eugene for surgery & chemo.  Short days coming up and I can't drive at night.  She'd better have a back up.  I must have caregiver plastered on my forehead.  Her husband just had eye surgery and no license, no idea if/when he'll see again.

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If there is one thing I am learning from my recovery adventure, it’s saying no to things that are being shifted to me that I can’t control or frustrate me because the doctors or whoever want more info and they are perfectly capable to have their staff do the legwork.  My mind is overflowing with how I am going to adjust to being home to do added tasks I’m not needed for.

I don’t know why you keep getting tapped for help beyond you are a very giving and caring person.  But we have to come first.  You have a full plate as it is.  Take care of you first and foremost and see what you have left in your choices.  I’m proud of you for drawing lines.  That takes more strength than people realize. 

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Strength is one thing I feel I'm running out of...discovered all my vents on the house were painted closed so now I need to find the time to take an exacto knife on all of them to open the slits back up.  Shaking head.  At least discovered it before it became a problem.  My back hurts just thinking about it.

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

.discovered all my vents on the house were painted closed so now I need to find the time to take an exacto knife on all of them to open the slits back up.  Shaking head.  At least discovered it before it became a problem. 

kayc:  Now when you say vents, I visualize vents are on the roof of your house?  I hope I am wrong in my thinking.  I hope you don't have to get on your roof.  Dee😱

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:D No I would not climb on the roof!  It 's in the skirting UNDER the house, not good for homes to sweat under roof or under house. ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

This seems the best topic.  I finally have an appointment today for a much needed and wanted shower and a trial run (I’m assuming as it’s the only different thing I did all day plus bending totally over to pick up my pick up stick) seems to have so irritated my pelvis joint I may not be able to do it.  Spent the whole evening in the highest level pain since being home.  Housekeeper coming over too.  Thought it would be an appreciated day getting things comfier for recovery.  I believe it’s just nature, but at times I start to wonder what I did to have such.....luck.  ☘️

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Oh Gwen, you didn't do anything to deserve this...George and I were just talking about how unfair life is!  It certainly doesn't seem to dole things out equitably.  

I'm glad you'll finally get your shower, I know since the dog bite I can't shower like I prefer to, opting not to shave my legs or do anything extra in the shower, shampoo hair quickly, soap under arms, rinse, get out, I can't get my hand wet so have to rubber band a rubber glove on my hand and the rubber bands need to be a bit smaller, but somehow I'm getting by.  The PA said to use soap & water to clean my hand now, haven't quite figured out how to do that w/o getting it wet!  It needs to dry out so it can form a protective scab. 

I'm sorry your pelvis hurts so much, gosh always something hurting.  :(

Good luck today!

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Sounds like they want you to clean your hand and then let it dry.  I’m no expert, but it may help.  Your body should start to scab despite doing that.  My problem is I mess with wounds so I would have to cover it to stop my impatience.

I did get my shower!  She did most the work.  Aside from pain, I feel better.  My housekeeper was great and brought me a balloon.  She got all the stuff done including what I used to.  Now I have fresh clothes too.  We hugged and cried a bit, it’s been a long time since we saw each other.  
 

Saturday morning I’ll find out the 'cost' of the shower.   Best be prepared for the worst.  Still working to find a taller 4 wheeled walker like I had in rehab.  Have to get it from a certain supplier thru my insurance.  The web is not clear on ones if they are taller than what I have.  Have to see if it can be made higher with the notches.  
 

TV is running A Quiet Place.  What a weird movie about living in silence.  No monsters like in the movie would get me, but it kinda feels like how I live now.  I was thinking of little things Mel did and sure hope she does when she gets home.  Stealing my slippers, knee supports, staying in bed til I fell asleep, waiting for her morning crackers while I check mail, watching commercials with animals in them.  She’s been living a whole different life for months.  I don’t call for her or make comments about stuff anymore.  No one to hear.  
 

Now I’m depressing myself more.  Not a hard task.  I’m trying to figure out out how to sit and split my pills in the kitchen.  Going to be running low but getting tired of the tears it brings my eyes from pain.  There’s no other place to do it.  Queue to go...I’m babbling.  

 

 

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5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

What a weird movie about living in silence.

I don't think I'd like it, sounds too much like my reality.  I NEED solitude, but not to this degree!

I wish you had a chair that was comfortable for you to sit in.  I guess there is no such place right now. 

:(  (((hugs-gentle ones)))

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Nope, no true good place to sit.  Knock on wood, the living room remains the best.  Now, if I could just stop pushing things and rest, it would help.  
 

I don’t recommend A Quiet Place now that I’ve seen it a 2nd time.  Last time I saw it my mood and life was different.  I don’t do monsters and horror type stuff anymore anyway.  Just like I can’t stand romance movies.  Mysteries, westerns and action are my thing.

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I'll play odd man out here. I liked A Quiet Place and am reserving the sequel at the library. Of course, I'm into murder and mayhem in movies and books. I like suspense, just not the real bloody stuff. Decided to watch A Star Is Born with Kristofferson and Streisand(never seen it before). Streisand has a beautiful voice and she has James Brolin😁. What more could you ask for? Just didn't care for what she was singing in the movie so I stopped it halfway through. Don't think you can top the newest version. I watched The Mauritanian, a heart wrenching movie.

Guess you can figure out how I spend most of my time 24/7. A terribly exciting life. NOT

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I’ve only seen A Star is Born in full with Garland and Gaga.  Love Bradley Cooper.  Never heard of the other movie.  Sounds good but I can’t get it on Netflix.  I hate how the services keep them priority.  Hulu, Amazon, Peacock.  Even Netflix.  Who can afford to subscribe to them all?   I’ve never used our library.  I spend all my time at home and have DTV and it’s always repeats.  Too much reality or old stuff.

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I sure get what you mean about the premium channels. My cable bill is over $200 per month with no premium channels, but I pay extra for unlimited data because the guys play video games constantly and I mostly watch on demand which eats into the data, I think. I can get most of the newer movies at the library by waiting a bit, but not all of them. I've never gotten to see Nomadland, for example. Of course, I have the luxury of someone to pick up and return the DVDs for me also.

FYI, The Mauritanian is the true story of a camel driver from Mauritania suspected of being a terrorist. He was simply a scapegoat, but was arrested and held at Guantanamo and tortured mentally and physically for 14 years with no formal charges. He was helped by a female human rights attorney from Albuquerque who spent years trying to get him freed. Sad to see how he was treated and to see all the nasty tricks our fine military used to get him to confess to acts he never commited.

Hope you are starting to feel some better. Hugs!

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Wow, Dish is $67/mo and my internet $49 for slow speed limited data, barely get by on it but rarely watch movies, only skim through local news & Inside Edition, maybe something else a bit but I get sleepy early so can't finish watching anything!  :D

II used to like crime shows but haven't watched in over 20 years, I like to watch things that make me feel better, not a lot out there.

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I’m paying a bit over a hundred for Direct TV and it’s basic.  Made my own favorites list to skip shopping, sports and reality networks.  Can’t be connected to the internet until I get a smart TV and new DVR box.  So no on demand.  Never tried rentals tho.  Maybe they just unblock that channel for a couple days.  Wish I had the motivation to get it done, but I don’t.  Makes for long days stuck here.  Plus I didn’t normally have the TV on until evening.  I don’t get why the movie channels rerun the same ones for weeks.  I can watch new stuff on my iPad, but I have this big TV.   My old set up reminds me of how old I’m getting and how long Steve has been gone.  He would have done this years ago.  Always had to be up to speed with the latest and greatest.  Never thought TV would be a huge depression trigger.  

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Ha, my t.v. is small, fits into an entertainment center I got when my kids were children!  Don't want a smart tv or anything that can invade my privacy.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/11/2021 at 7:12 AM, kayc said:

Don't want a smart tv

I know if I punch the wrong thing I have to  wait for my kids to correct it.  I don't care, I like to read my Kindle, and so far can do that.  Gotta go to town to get my "candy corn" and 1-2 other things.  So much going wrong and I'm so sorry.  Not running on smooth roads down in this part of the country either.  Invited to my class reunion.  What am I going to do being at a sit down dinner with a bunch of old folks?  One of us carrying COVID will wipe the whole bunch out.  I have memories and talk to them on FB.  

Not much to say.  (Oh, I have a lot to say), but can't do anything about it.  My hearts are with you all.  I will do all I can, and that is give you a group hug and hope to see you some more days longer.  

hug.png

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11 hours ago, Marg M said:

Not much to say.  (Oh, I have a lot to say), but can't do anything about it.

I hope you are OK, Marg.  Well, best we can be.  Miss hearing more from you.  
 

I saw the quote marks, did you mean actual candy corn?  I don’t know a soul that likes that stuff over 10!  When I was a kid I thought the white tip tasted the best and got in trouble a lot for leaving partially eaten ones around.  
 

Certainly is candy season.  I have a huge stash as I hoard goodies for my inner child who now likes dark chocolate.  
 

I wish I had a smart TV and DVR.  Spent tonight rewatching A Few Good Men.  I can watch stuff on my iPad, but I want a big screen and sound.  I’ve even recorded movies I’ve seen out of desperation.  It’s just so complicated to get done on my own.  Steve would have had it done because he loved the latest and greatest.  And he barely watched TV.  It was toys and he loved those.  He had to talk me into TiVo forever ago and I was hooked.  Good thing too as video cassettes went bye bye.  It would be nice to not need DVD's anymore.  My acquaintances feel like video gods with on demand.  🙂

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We have at least 4 or 5 tv's. Not sure if any of them are smart tv's, but that's above my pay grade as all new electronics are. I rarely buy DVD's or music CD's anymore unless it's something I really like. I got rid of at least 400 DVD's after Ron died. Still have about 200 and 200 CD's. Anything I buy going forward is just more stuff for Robert to get rid of when I'm gone. Hoping he will send my dolls to my granddaughter. I look around at all this expensive Native American stuff that we collected over the years and wonder why we wasted thousands of dollars. You're right Marg. Can't change it so will quit worrying about it!

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I have one small t.v., but I don't watch much.  Probably pay too much for Dish for the ability to do so if I want.  Not thrilled with t.v., I want something that lightens the day, not depresses me.  No time for movies.  I spend so much time on m y health and sometimes wonder why, this is all there is???

It's a struggle and takes tremendous work.

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5 hours ago, KarenK said:

We have at least 4 or 5 tv's. Not sure if any of them are smart tv's, but that's above my pay grade as all new electronics are. I rarely buy DVD's or music CD's anymore unless it's something I really like. I got rid of at least 400 DVD's after Ron died. Still have about 200 and 200 CD's. Anything I buy going forward is just more stuff for Robert to get rid of when I'm gone. Hoping he will send my dolls to my granddaughter. I look around at all this expensive Native American stuff that we collected over the years and wonder why we wasted thousands of dollars. You're right Marg. Can't change it so will quit worrying about it!

It's funny how after your spouse is gone, you see what your life is worth in terms of $. We never could afford to buy a house, but it didn't matter to Annette. We finally found and were renting a house we loved after decades of renting apartments and crappy houses. So much furniture I had to just leave behind for our landlord to sell. I have no place for it. Annette wasn't into material possessions, because her family never had money either. We didn't need "stuff" because we had each other. All I have now to show for my years of working are thousands of CD's and no wife.  

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Such interesting lives and collections - Native American, dolls, and tons of music! Love sure does come through in reading the posts. Speaking of tv, my spouse and I enjoyed it, but haven't had it on since he left; no interest. (Never thought I wouldn't be watching the latest season of The Great British Baking Show.) Wonder when or if the tv will be on again. Amazing the amount of havoc these huge losses have on our lives, making them unrecognizable.

Kay, hope your hand heals better than expected. Gwen, hope some better pain management comes your way.

 

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Interesting life no more, Ruby. In much younger times, we were always on the go. it was normal to hop a plane to San Diego for shopping and dinner. We loved road trips to nearby states, loved exploring new places. After we retired, we had grand plans to travel throughout all the states. In 2008, our daughter got cancer. Her well being became our main focus. Those trips weren't important anymore. In 2012, he got cancer. In 2013, he died. She died the following year. My whole life was turned upside down. It has yet to right itself. After they were both gone, I had visions of getting in my truck with my new dog and hitting the road. Just one of many stupid visions I had back then. Grief plays tricks with your mind. It makes you do really senseless things.

Took me a long time to get used to staying at home. Dismal lack of finances helped a lot. So many folks don't watch tv. It is my constant companion. I go nowhere, see no one except my son and grandson that live here. "Interesting" left by the back door and took my heart with it.

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