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If You're Going Through Hell


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55 minutes ago, Widow2015 said:

The aloneness even when around others still hurts so

I hate that feeling. 😢 I wish the ground would just "open up and  swallow me up" at times,when I'm around other people, feeling odd and out of place. 

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I am so sorry.  I think you very eloquently stated what everyone on here feels this holiday.  My greatest regret is I am such a poor actor, I cannot fake happiness even to help my family.  Now, what kind of person am I?  I saw my little grandmother go through over 25 holidays after she lost the love of her life.  We ignored any sadness on her part.  

My other grandma, my Mammaw, I actually think her holidays were much happier after my granddaddy left.  He was a dictator that I thought was ancient when he died in his 50's.  He was such a "blah" person, I never missed him.  He died on my 13th birthday, and we lived happily ever after.  I'm going to put an addendum to this.  This "granddaddy" was supposedly mean to his wife, drank and ran around on her.  She was the meek and mild female of the 1930's, and had no help or anywhere to go.  She lived out her final nearly 40 years pampered, her own apartment built into her daughter's house.  She grew different violets.  Pictures of her in her late 30's and pictures when she passed at 95, she was more beautiful then than she had been when young.  Her daughters kept her hair dyed and they were the most beautiful colors of pinkish and almost purple greys.  She really was a live Angel.  

 

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I can't upload my grinch picture.  Damn new computer.  I want my old dumb computer back.  My daughter thinks she will introduce me to the computer upgrades.  I don't want to be upgraded, I am "the Grinch" in his meanest form.

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3 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

It felt good to get home and no Christmas music to hear. Dee

Oh Dee, I feel as you do. I try and avoid that as much as possible.  That in itself isn’t possible.  Being alone is the worst feeling in the world.

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My internet goes out every other minute or less, frustrating!

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  • 2 weeks later...

My son's Jeep was broken into last night. He parks it behind the gas station/convenience store where he works nights. The joke is on the would be thieves as the jack, his tools, and anything important is in the house. He had removed everything to make room to transport the dog to the vet a while back and never put it back. They took nothing, not even his loose change. Crazy things happen there frequently. The place is big with a car wash, cigarette store, and deli/grill. He works alone doing restocking and cleaning while it is closed. A couple of months ago, he found a naked, passed out guy in the car wash bay. I think he's found women also. The place is on a reservation next to the freeway and a Wal-Mart where homeless hang out after the store closes. Packs of coyotes roam the empty parking lot at night. Never a dull moment!

 

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Karen, my son is a slob, just like his mom.  They have a "garage" where they park at the VA and Scott has a 4 door truck. (It is about 12 years old).  He keeps it where he cannot find anything, clothes all over it.  The back window slides, but instead of sliding it, they broke it out.  They didn't take anything.  Maybe the guard came up on them and they hid.  Crazy thing was, all four doors were unlocked.  They didn't have to break in.  I always said if someone broke into my house they would just leave thinking someone had beat them to it.  We have packs of 12-18 year olds breaking into cars all over the cities.  Sometimes caught, sometimes just regrouped into another band of young thieves.  And then, it is our turn. I'm sorry it happened to him.  Glad all his things were out.  Scott had some good stuff in his truck, but even I wouldn't look for anything I'd lost in underneath all the junk.    

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Hate to say it, but my son is a slob also about keeping things clean which is odd because I'm a neat freak as was my daughter. His area of the house drives me nuts so I mostly avoid it. My area is mostly clean and organized except fighting dust and dog hair is a constant battle. Both dogs shed in spades, enough to make a whole new dog.

My son's Jeep has removable doors. A crafty thief could take them off in a heartbeat with a wrench and get $1000 apiece. Not something easy to walk off with though. Instead of taking something, they left behind a baseball cap.

Sorry that Scott lost some valuable things.

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They didn't get anything of Scott's.  I must have said it wrong.  Either they were frightened off or decided it was too much work to find anything valuable.  He even had a long black leather coat back there, but it was under other clothes, lots of tools.  I think they must have been frightened off.  It was in a parking garage of the hospitals.  Broke out back window though.  

 

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Wow, Karen!  Did they damage the lock when they broke in?  I'm glad they didn't get anything.  My daughter's had her cars broken into, mostly vandalized, as well as stolen.  Very frustrating!  Our cars are our sanctuary, private, it is so violating to have someone violate that!

11 hours ago, Margm said:

I always said if someone broke into my house they would just leave thinking someone had beat them to it.

:D  They'd take one look at my place and leave, LOL!  My technology is so old, t.v. used when I got it over 10 years ago, PC refurbished and bought in 2009, stereo from 2,000, furniture goes back that far or way further.  Too much stuff from 45 years here...everyone went off and left me with it.  Now my hands hurt all the time and there's no place to give it to if I could make my hands work!  So I live with it, but not by preference.

Karen, that is funny (baseball cap...quote isn't working again).

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He said he doesn't remember locking it, just closing it with his foot because his hands were full of stuff. Both our vehicles are 17 years old, so no great prize there except Jeep Wranglers have a fairly high resale value, no matter what age. No worries about break ins at home. Dogs cause a ruckus if anyone is near the house.

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Kodie does the same!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm beginning to feel like Scrooge, completely disconnected and 'feelingless' with regards to this long festivity period that seems never-ending. I only feel at ease when I'm in my home, in my 'safety shelter', away from all that hustle and bustle. I avoid turning on the TV, all those Christmassy ads and the news going on about holidays, ecc.

My children and I have finally agreed this year to spend Christmas Day with my FIL and his wife, but like he says (he has lost both his sons, prematurely), just to be together, for comfort, nothing to celebrate. 

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Gotta be sad for all of us because that is exactly how we all feel and after seven years, it does not seem to let up.  I will go to my daughters.  Everyone is tired of dressing and chicken and turkey.  One is going to bring a slow cooker beef stew.  My daughter is fixing pinto beans, ham hock, and cornbread, maybe even Mexican cornbread.  I will go without eating until I get home, cannot eat anything served anyhow.  I will have probably Dairy Queen chicken or steak basket I buy night before.  Just getting together is what counts.  Can't do that for long, so we go through the motions.  

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V and Marg, glad you have family to visit and share memories with over Christmas. Just my son and grandson now in my little family, but at least we are together.

My grandson got out our little tree and a wreath to start decorating. It's a major endeavor to get my decorations from behind all the junk in the spare room. They need a room of their own.  lol  Naturally, the lights on the tree don't work. Hope to get new ones before Xmas.

Went ahead and ordered boxers and socks for the guys. At least they will have a couple of gifts.

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Karen, I'm going to have to replace my tree, the lights have had it and the needles come off real easy, it's seen better days.  Another thing.  Used to be able to buy things like that for less after Christmas, will see, otherwise it's pay full bore before next year.

V. R. I can't imagine losing both your kids before their time, my heart goes out to your FIL.  Am glad you'll be with them at Christmas.

Waiting to see what Christmas Eve day looks like before knowing if I can go to my son's in-laws or not.  If the weather permits I may bring Kodie and leave him in the car, I hate to do that but he can't come inside the house.  :(  Will take him to a dog park or something afterwards.

 

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Kay, my little tree is only 2' tall and about 14 years old. It came pre lit and decorated with small Christopher Radko ornaments, which is why it was expensive. I have to tape the top to keep it straight as it's been folded over so many times to fit the box. I've replaced the lights once before. Funny thing! Last night they didn't work. Now they do!  It's hard to find short strands of lights in the stores. It is special to me as I sent it to Ron on the Xmas that I spent in Ky. with Debbie.

I'm sure most, if not all places will have half price Xmas stuff on the day after. Used to love shopping that day. It's how I ended up with 37 big boxes of stuff. I remember going to San Diego one year specifically to shop at Seaport Village. Crazy, happier times😄

Hope you're able to make the trip. So unfair that Kodie can't come in. Will he be warm enough in the car?

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I know not to make myself (or anyone) a promise that I am going to do something.  But I plan on putting up the three foot one with purple lights on a garland surrounding it.  I have had the LED lights two foot one that I have on 24/7 with one day interruption for moving, since I moved into the apartment life, more than six years ago, I think.  I keep it lit by Billy's wooden urn.  I had found a note he left me when he went fishing once "I love you, be back by noon" taped to the front of the urn.  Maybe just seeing the lights will give a lift.  I love purple, I feel better seeing anything purple.  Want to have a red rose on Ferris the Yaris's door and a big purple one on the other door.  It will be easier to find among his thousands of same size and color tiny cars in the parking lot of anywhere.  Just like keeping my phone in my right pocket, I try to always look at the number of the aisle I park in, but there have been times of anxiety, when I am in the store of choice, that I had forgot to look.  Try to park close in the same two aisles at Walmart.  Memory is not one of my strong points. 

Know we are not having a happy time.  I remember my friend telling me to "stay busy" which I immediately discarded, knowing she didn't really know me.  I had occasion to send a note by FB messenger to a high school friend.  We had been very close for years, until marriage, and another friend mentioned she thought our friend's husband had passed away. Both of these friends keep very busy with church affairs and I'm just not a person who needs other people around me all the time, or visiting, or calling.  I am just a grouchy grinch, I guess.  Actually, my friend's husband passed in 2021, so, of course, I am not that good a friend.  But I did write, telling her I was sorry.  They had been married for 57 years, but I had to just tell her that I  was sorry.  My other friend lost her husband this year.  He was 10 years older than her and in his 90's.  He had survived being paralyzed from a random shooting, colon cancer, and was deep in dementia.  She wanted to keep  him forever, and don't we all.  

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It's funny how one little note can mean so much. During Ron's last days and on a ventilator, he managed to scribble "wife" on a notepad I had brought him. I think he was asking the nurse where I was. Who knows. How can we understand what's in the mind of someone who is dying? He also scribbled "Frys" as in grocery store where he shopped. That note is tucked away in a drawer.

I'm not a grinch, but don't mind being alone either. As long as I have tv and books and my dogs, I'm fine. Would love to be trekking through the woods, but probably would have to make frequent stops to breathe. Such is life.

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It’s just Dee, me and the parakeets.  No decorations.  Oping to have something to watch that is not holiday based or something thats run a gazillion times on Direct TV.  No special food.  Basically, Christmas means nothing to us losing our partners. Nor do we have other ties but good memories that hurt too much now.  
 

Woke up to light snowing.  Dark and grey now.  Plain old depressing.  Weather fits the mood.

used to love the lights.  Would find places for them all over.  Helped with the grey.  I tried them a few years.  I was mobile the n.
 

You’re post hit me, Karen.  I so miss my dog.  That would feel so good.  I have so many of Steve’s post its from me to him.  A drawer of cards and notes to me. I don’t look at them, doubt I ever will.  Some things you just have to know are there.  

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It's funny. I was just thinking today about the last time we had outdoor lights. It had to be about 1997 as my grandson's mother was still here and she put them up. She left when he was about a year old and never looked back. Still can't understand how she could just abandon him. We used to drive around and look at the lights also and take gifts to friends on Xmas eve. Long ago days......

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We used to put up outdoor lights when the kids were younger. Now we haven't even put the tree up indoors anymore, for the past two years. I don't even mention it to my children (who are now 24 and 26) and they don't either. We don't need words, we understand each other, that we don't wish to see any decorations, not yet, anyway. Still not up to it. 

Gwen, I'm like you, avoiding all the Christmassy films. I started watching the TV series "This is US" on Prime, seemed very good, but I have to leave it now, getting too sad, I started breaking down, my daughter had warned me against watching it. Too many similarities with what's happened to us. 😰

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15 hours ago, KarenK said:

Will he be warm enough in the car?

Oh yes!  It is 19 this morning, he wouldn't notice, he's a miniature Husky, born for AK or Canada!  Minus degrees for a long time I wouldn't do but he's fine, only thing is doing his business, he likes out of the way discreet places, not city sidewalks.  (It'd be a minimum of six hour trip).  If my friend isn't busy I'll likely leave him home and let her come get him to play with her dog for an hour mid afternoon, but he loves going in the car, so not sure.

I ordered a tree on Amazon $119.99, it had been $159.99.  Drawback is it's only 6', my current one is 7 1/2'.  I may put a wooden box under it and cover the box with a tree skirt or tablecloth.  Your little tree sounds beautiful!  Maybe you'll post a picture?  Most of the trees have white lights, I wanted colored, that limited my selection.

13 hours ago, Margm said:

I plan on putting up the three foot one with purple lights on a garland surrounding it. 

Ooh, I love purple and blue lights!  Should be beautiful.

13 hours ago, Margm said:

I had to just tell her that I  was sorry.

That's all that one can say, really.  And one year or ten, what difference really, the hard part is living without them. :(  As we all know.

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Christmas means nothing to us losing our partners.

Except my husband loved all the holidays so much, that is why I try to honor him with it, otherwise I'd skip the whole thing.  I'm alone anyway, with Kodie.  But oh gosh, seeing Kodie's eyes light up when I put up the tree, that was worth it all.  With all my hand issues, I may leave it up until Feb.  Neighbors would think me weird but hey...

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

I was just thinking today about the last time we had outdoor lights.

I haven't had them since the early 70s.  My kids' dad never wanted to pay out for the electricity.  I enjoy my neighbors' lights and decorations!  Will miss them when they take them down.

4 hours ago, V. R. said:

Gwen, I'm like you, avoiding all the Christmassy films.

Yep, somehow the sappy romance just doesn't cut it.  I used to love them all.  Haven't watched any in years.

 

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I have dug in my heels all the way, leave me alone, prepare what you want to.  I have to take my sister and granddaughter, two nephews there, granddaughter and ggranddaughter coming in tonight.  At our supper at Kelli's.  I got enough "Bath and Body Works" I won't have to shower for a month.  Lots more stuff.  Dark driving home.  I had on my reading glasses and had to use my real eyes.  As long as I can see a line in the road, I'm okay.  

Merry Christmas

 

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