If You're Going Through Hell

[TerriL]

Good morning everyone,

I haven't commented for a while, but I'm always reading the different posts. I felt as if I really had nothing more valuable to contribute than what was already being said. However, Maryann's and Marg's posts made me want to come out of the woodwork. Today is what would have been my husband's 68th birthday. It's another "first" since his passing. It's also the 7th month mark since Paul passed away. I suppose I've adjusted in some ways, but I'm still thinking along the same lines as you are, Maryann. "Am I where I'm SUPPOSED to be?" "Am I doing this correctly?"---as if there's really any such thing to begin with. There isn't a rule book as far as I know. I have used this forum as my solace, as an extended family of people who "get me" and, for now at least, in place of a professional counselor. I've tried making appointments with a therapist, but cannot bring myself to actually go. The thought of having to get myself there, sit and talk about everything and then come back home to an empty house is still too much for me. Much in the same way I post on here, I can only talk about it all when I'm READY to talk. Making an appointment to talk just doesn't work for me right now. As they say, what's right for one, is not the right thing for another. Plus, I do have to admit that the thought of having to make a co-payment every single week freaks me out a little. I already have additional expenses on top of the usual ones because I have to now pay for the things that Paul used to do himself and my income has been reduced by over half. Trying to put your broken life back together into a "new normal" isn't easy at all and is sometimes a process of one step forward, two steps back. (With many tears in between.) I had one of those "cowering" moments last week with a situation, but by the weekend, I was angry at myself for having reacted like that and regained my perspective. My belief system is more along the lines of the Earth-based religions, but it's all basically about loving, honoring and respecting yourself and others. Especially those who have gone before us. I'm trying my best to honor Paul in small ways. I'm not 100% great at this yet, but I don't let that stop me from trying. 

Marg, I laughed at your comment about Billy retaining his jealous gene, even in the more peaceful eternity he resides in now. I picture my Paul being much the same way. One of the retired firefighters he used to work with called me a few months ago, urging me to attend the annual retirees' picnic. I politely declined to attend, saying that I got the feeling that Paul would not really be thrilled at the prospect of my going without him. Of course, whether or not he'd truly feel that way is anyone's guess, but it's the feeling that I got and that's all that counts right now. I loved your Eleanor Roosevelt meme. She was indeed a woman ahead of her time. I hope that wherever she might be, she is proud to know that her work and her ideals are valued and as true today as they were while she still walked the planet. Besides this forum, that's another thing that has comforted and inspired me in the wake of my husband's death: seeking out stories and quotes about and from inspirational women who have faced the same issues and come through them with even more strength and success than before. They instill hope within me when my own is flagging. We also have each other on here. Thank you ALL for your honesty, compassion and your support. Even when I'm only in "reading mode" and not commenting, you still help me tremendously. I wanted you all to know that. Sending love and blessings to you!

[Margm]

Terri, I have read nothing but the first few lines of your post, I will now go back and read it.  Today marks the 7th month that Billy has been gone.  I quit counting days, then I quit counting weeks, and I hope to live long enough to quit counting months, but I will never live long enough to forget this wonderful life he gave me.  And a widow I met yesterday said that after 13 years, the pain was still there.  My grandmother said after 18 years the pain was as if on the first day.  She was a plain woman who spoke the truth and that did not help me at all.  But, she endured for close to 30 years after he left, so somehow, someway, maybe if we endure also, maybe our life will get easier in some way.  And, I am not at the point yet that I can say I want to endure.  

Terri, I have "run-on" fingers.  When you see my posts most people will probably just skip it.  Really, "who has the time?"  Please come on and talk to us.  I too have thought about going back to a psychiatrist.  I only think about it when I think my crying until I am breathless would be a welcome relief.  I don't want to hurt my kids and grandkids.  I thought at first of taking my own life and going so far back in these back woods I would not be found until deer or turkey season opened again.  But, Billy once told me "the one left must stay."  I do yell at him for that a lot of times.  I didn't want to stay, not sure I want to right now either, but have too much going on to leave the responsibilities to my kids.  Strange, we still have to consider other people. 

[Margm]

Steve, Gwen, I was going to get a new bed, was going to just start over.  I pulled the old mattress cover off and that old bed we have slept in for probably 20-30 years, the mattress is coming apart at the seams.  I just bought a better mattress cover.  If the movers can pick it up without shredding it, I will keep it.

[kayc]

Marg,

I read all of the posts, just so you know you're heard.

Terri,

As they say, there is no way but YOUR way.  We all do our grief journey the best we know how.  

[Margm]

Oh Gosh, I would hope no one follows my journey.  I have made it very rough for an old lady.  I would not recommend my way for anyone.  But then again, for me, staying in this house we were leaving, staying in this state, it was impossible for me.  And Lord willing, I will finish it.  It might finish me, but I hope I get to finish it before it finishes me.  

And thank you Kay, you are a good friend who I wish I could meet in person.

And speaking of "Journey."  My son bought tickets to see them in Little Rock.  I would dearly love to see them live, but I will not come back across that Louisiana-Arkansas line except to do necessary business when I finally leave.  A beautiful state.

[kayc]

Marg, I think we hope NO ONE follows our journeys!  I wish this on no one.

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

It becomes especially nice when you know you didn't do it totally on your own. Remember we are all products of two people not just ourselves.  A little of them lives inside us. It's like when you look back at something you've done thinking wow, I never would have done that if not for him. That's kind of a cool thing to realize and for just a minute, you don't feel so quite alone.

Thanks, Kat.  I just swept our deck and patio (they are huge) and while I didn't feel him, per se, it nice to know I can get something done rather that sit and wallow in a bad way.  He would have been impressed and pleased.  Just wish I could hear him say it.  Dogs were thrilled with the activity and made it harder, but not the same.  We are the product of 2 people.  I just do a poor job playing both roles.  

[Polly]

17 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Thanks, Kat.  I just swept our deck and patio (they are huge) and while I didn't feel him, per se, it nice to know I can get something done rather that sit and wallow in a bad way.  He would have been impressed and pleased.  Just wish I could hear him say it.  Dogs were thrilled with the activity and made it harder, but not the same.  We are the product of 2 people.  I just do a poor job playing both roles.  

I know what you mean. Last week when I cleaned the house really good and got all the laundry done in the same day, all I could think about was that Rich would have come home from work and told me how nice the house looked. Or when I fixed the front storm door, he would have told me that I did a good job.

[Guest]

We have a beautiful backyard and Deedo loved maintaining it.  Now I go out to weed, water, maintain and all I can think is "Why bother?"  There is no one but myself to see it and I really won't be spending that much time relaxing in the back, I'd rather be walking.

[BillT]

Brad,

I understand too well.  When Mary Kay and I combined households, one of the things she wished for was a large yard.  We got it - just over an acre, all landscaped.  We used to mow it together, each on riding mowers.  She would start in the back, and I in the front.  When I finished the front, I would go to the back and help her finish.  (pause for grief burst).

Now, every time I finish mowing the back, the grief hits me again, as it is now, writing of this.

Peace be with you brother in grief.

 

 

[KATPILOT]

Guys my wish for you is that you find the strength to hang in there for a while. It does soften, I know, I felt the same cleaning the house and doing laundry, even making my bed. What got me through it was Kathy herself. I knew she would have kept the place neat never leaving the bed unmade or the house dirty. I did it for her. One day I realized I was doing it for me. They are still around and still part of you. You liked the way things were when they were here. I hope one day you will like it again. My moneys on you. I am not preaching to you. I just was where you are now. Boy was I !

[MartyT]

4 hours ago, Brad said:

We have a beautiful backyard and Deedo loved maintaining it.  Now I go out to weed, water, maintain and all I can think is "Why bother?"  There is no one but myself to see it and I really won't be spending that much time relaxing in the back, I'd rather be walking.

Brad, your post reminded me of a passage in a lovely book I read some time ago entitled The Tender Scar: Life After The Death of A Spouse, by Richard Mabry, a former physician and a widower. As described by Amazon, "this warmly practical book guides the bereaved through the grief process and explains how to live after the death of a spouse."

At one point in the book (which I read when it was first published ten years ago), he introduced a concept that I've never seen addressed anywhere else in all the grief literature I've read before or since ~ which is why I made a point to write it down and remember it.

He called it Resigning Your Commissions ~ and I share it with you now, just for your consideration ~ and in hopes that it will help you feel better about taking those walks.  ♥

He writes:

A similar job you may need to resign is that of chief architect of monuments. Let me give you an example. There's nothing wrong with looking at a well-kept garden or beautiful flowers and saying,"She/he did that" But if your mate had a green thumb, and yours is permanently brown, your efforts to make that garden an everlasting monument to your departed spouse are doomed to produce frustration and to end in failure. Cynthia was an avid gardener, deriving a great deal of joy from it, and was able to make almost any plant grow and flourish. As you might expect, when I was left to handle all those flower beds, those bushes and shrubs, and the garden, my first reaction was to delve into all her gardening books in a frantic effort to keep everything alive and looking wonderful. When a plant died, it was as though I was experiencing her death all over again. This went on for months, until her brother, a farmer, reacted to my expression of anguish by saying,"They're just plants." They may have been planted and nurtured by my late wife, but if they had died while under her care, she would have merely pulled them up and gone about her business. In the end, with help, I've managed to make our flower beds attractive but low-maintenance. This doesn't detract from my memories of Cynthia's magic with flowers. I've just chosen to resign my self-appointed commission to carry forward that torch.

The monument you are trying to maintain might not be flowers, but something else your husband or wife left behind.  Don't feel you have dishonored your spouse by not carrying on his or her work. Another good piece of advice came from my oldest son when I told him I'd decided to eventually sell the farmland that Cynthia had loved (and I had tolerated). He simply said, "Dad, the worst thing you could ever do would be to try to keep living Mom's life for her." I commend that advice to each of you, whatever your circumstances (pp. 40-41). 

[Margm]

I just ordered the book.  It is short, so I ought to be able to read it in one sitting.  Thank you very much.

[TerriL]

Thank you, Marty, for posting that. I also ordered the book. It's funny that this topic should come up, since I've also been struggling with things that Paul was able to do without a second thought. He was a very skilled and knowledgable mechanic, handyman, etc. You name it, he could build it or fix it! Me? I've been doing laundry in half darkness because my utility room light fixture is on the blink, our above ground pool that used to be so crystal clear and well-maintained is a deep, dark algae green and some of our blooming hedges and plants are overgrown and in need of trimming. Oh, and our vehicles have such thick layers of dirt on them that I was able to write his name on his truck. My joints are not what they used to be since my illness and I don't have all that much help, unless I pay more money for it. I need to eventually take down the pool or sell his truck, but I'm still not quite at that stage yet. He loved that truck so much and we had so many great times in that pool. I used to get such relaxation and comfort by walking out into our beautiful yard and dangling my feet in the pool, but now, in their present states, it just depresses me. I do feel as if I've let Paul down. 

[Margm]

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

Sometimes I think it is good that I was born a country redneck.  I never expected much.  I never wanted for much.  I really don't think that is one commandment that I broke.  I never coveted my neighbors blessings (except one time my friend's husband built her a bookcase out of rough wood and painted it, I wanted that bookcase).  My friends, and lots of family are so involved in democrats vs republicans and I abhor politics.  My family had minor politicians.  Daddy served as alderman one term and did not run again.  He hated putting up with the BS of others.  My cousin ran for senator and had minor things that were absolutely nothing blown into such mud slinging that his wife told him if he ran for anything else she would leave him.  I voted for Nixon.  Now, who in their right mind would trust someone that used their vote like that?  I think that was when Wallace was running against him and my whole family loved the rhetoric of Wallace.  After all, we were all nothing but southern rednecks.  Every time I write on here or Facebook, I think of my mama telling me "fools names and fools faces always appear in public places."  Okay, coming close to talking about politics, and I know nothing about it except it is all BS.  

Our stages of grief go up and down this ladder in life.  Some are angry.  Some attack.  When we all come down to it, we are all kindred souls that have lost our real reason for living.  I did not want to live.  Sometimes I still don't.  I discussed it with my son and he got all choked up.  Yet, we faced the same thing with him on drugs.  Now he faces the exact same thing, not knowing if his son has overdosed, is injured, or even where he is.  His little mind has been so doused with every drug imaginable that for it to be even working is a marvel of science, the human body and God.  He is in his 30s, just like Scott was.  Scott wanted to get off drugs, his son does not, so we just wait to hear the bad news.

I have to go to the "big city" today.  My sister quoted in writing that she was glad I had got my sense of humor back.  I don't have it "back."  It is just like the rest of our life, we make it with broken wings.  We might not fly again, but we can become the best broken wing runners our bodies will allow us to become.  I tell the cross on top of Billy's beautiful wooden urn each morning and each night how much I love him.  Life is empty sometimes.  I am not sure he hears me.  Yet, each day when I walk to get the mail, when I go outside for anything, there is that redbird.  Maybe he is there just to remind me that he might be close anyhow.  

Saying a lot of nothing to a lot of suffering people.  I feel your pain.  OMGosh, how I feel your pain.

PS (All my life my reading has taken me to the biographies and autobiographies of people, some successes, some failures, but all just living through some of the pain we all live through.  I admired Eleanor Roosevelt and Teddy too, but can you possibly imagine how Helen Keller made it through life at all?)  "If your going through hell, just keep going."

[KATPILOT]

No Terri, you haven't let Paul down. In a way you are just like the rest of us. We are doing the best we can with what we've got.  It is so easy to feel like you do when you see things left unattended but in time you start picking up the pieces and putting things in order. One step at a time. One day at a time. When you do one simple thing like changing a bulb you begin to feel something positive and if you set small goals for yourself, they don't seem so daunting. Why I wonder does it sound sweet to have written his name on his truck? You connected with him when you did that and in time you will deal with the cars and the pool and  keep on going. I can't tell you how many times I have hugged the walls of my house just because she lived there.

Wall hugging. That's real good therapy I think. 

[iPraiseHim]

Terry, many of us have experienced what you are going through. It doesn't make it better but it did help me to understand that it did not only happened to me. 

DO NOT "SHOULD" yourself.

It can get messy, metaphorically speaking. I have lived most of my life thinking I should be doing this or that.  I have slowly come to realize that I need to do what brings me peace and joy.  It is not selfish to be caring for yourself in a healthy way.  I accept my limitations. My wife was the best at keeping things organized... Me, not so much. I strive to do better. All we can do is the best we can at the moment. One moment at a time. I am going to hug a wall and read a book.  Shalom - George 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Terri,

I understand what you are saying. You had your own personal handy man; I did too.  When we bought our house, I knew we would be good because Mark was one of those people skilled in taking care of things.  He had a genius mind when it came to fixing anything.  All I had to do was say I heard a certain noise, or something seemed to be sticking and he would make it right.  Now that he is gone, I get concerned about having to pay someone to fix something (not always in my budget, now that I am living only on my income) or asking one of his brothers to step in and help.  I wish I could be totally self-sufficient in those regards, but I don't even want to try for fear of making something worse.  My confidence has taken a HUGE hit since he died.  Your Paul would be proud of how you are continuing to go along.  They wanted nothing more than to keep us from worry, or hurt or pain of any kind.  But I believe they would understand that this is one of the most difficult things to maneuver; being without the person who we loved, the person who helped us be stronger. 

[Froggie4635]

George,

Thank you for your so eloquent way of speaking those thoughts.  I will take it to heart, and use your words to try and convince myself to stop being so hard on ME.  I am the one person I need to know I can rely on, and I can't continue to weaken that by being so hard on ME.  It isn't an easy thing.  I will try and keep your words handy and repeat them to myself again and again.  Thank you so much...

Maryann

[Margm]

Terri, your post and mine passed each other in cyberspace.  I think I was fortunate that Billy was no more mechanically minded and hated housekeeping inside and out as much as I did.  His folks had rented all their life, he had to fix nothing.  His first car was a 1953 Chevy that broke down coming home from the state fair about midnight in the middle of nowhere..  I was pregnant, only barely, but still showing and scared. A kind person let us use their telephone at midnight.  He was able to get in touch with his brother, who was a welder, but no more mechanically minded than Billy, so we went through 54 years trading vehicles when they ran out of gas.  (An exaggeration).  My dad could do anything mechanical, any carpentry that had to be done, yet he let my mom handle things he thought she should learn.  Not a lazy bone in either of their bodies.  Just living through hard times.  I was so excited after Billy left with my first mechanical challenge.  I changed license plates.  Now, I was a certified mechanic because I could use a screw driver.  

I have learned this.  There are people out there who will take advantage of widows.  But, there are a lot of people out there, more than the others, who will take pity on us and help us out in times of need.  Right now my son is here to help me out.  (He knows less than his dad did, but he is willing to try.)  

We are not failures if we cannot do something.  We all are survivors of the worse disaster to hit us in modern or ancient times.  My girlfriend told me they had to hire an electrician to come in and change the light bulb. (I know that was an exaggeration.)  There is a lot of sadness in our trials and tribulations, but a lot of humor too.  Like me waiting 50 years to ask Billy why he laughed at himself so much when he did something stupid.  That always aggravated me, but it took me 50 years to ask him.  He said if he didn't laugh at himself, someone else would.  I would sure like to see and hear him do stupid things again.

Oh, and it took him over 50 years to inform me that he hated green beans and he hated cinnamon.  The things we learn so late in life.  

[kayc]

Marty and Brad,

I want to respond to your posts and then I'll go back and read the others.

George handled the outdoor plants although we both tended the hanging plants on the patio (we had about 14 planters).  I enjoyed tending them but aside from those, I do not have a green thumb.  When he died, try as I might, so did our garden.  I didn't feel a failure, I just acknowledged that I don't have a green thumb and their death was a tribute to my husband's green thumb.  It is hard to take on the role of the other person in addition to your own, and sometimes we have to let go of something.  I will admit my place does not look as nice as it did when he was alive, how could it?  I have my hands full with what I do accomplish, but I'm only one person and I try to find balance in my life.  

Terri & everyone else:

I hope no one here feels a failure if they have to take their car to the mechanic, or hire someone to help with home repairs or let the garden go or whatever else we find difficult to keep up when they're gone.

Maryann,

I do hope you can learn to be as patient and gentle and understanding and supportive of yourself as you would have with Mark.  Sometimes we need to administer some of the TLC to ourselves that we know they would have, and for myself, I think that makes my George smile.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

we make it with broken wings.  We might not fly again, but we can become the best broken wing runners our bodies will allow us to become.

"If your going through hell, just keep going."

Margaret,

These two things stuck out to me.  You have been and are going through a lot, yet you just keep going.  That has always been my philosophy.  We just keep going, what else can we do?

[TerriL]

This is what I love about this forum. I read all of your replies and gain so much comfort and wisdom from them. I know what you are all saying is the truth and the only way to keep moving forward. It's just that sometimes, it's hard to put it into practice when you're in the middle of a frustrating issue. All the feelings of grief and helplessness will come flooding back at the most unusual moments. Some things Paul used to do I "sort of" learned myself by watching him. I did manage to change the fluorescent tubes in the utility room light fixture (Paul always made sure we had spare bulbs around---still looking after me), but they STILL won't come on! If I wiggle one, it begins to flicker, but that's about it. :/ In all honesty, I've never cared for fluorescent lighting; it bothers my eyes. I also managed to get outside last week and cut down this giant weed---nightshade---that I was told (by a Master Gardener with my county) had toxic properties. I put on my long sleeved shirt and gloves and cut it all down, tossed it into a garbage bag and it went out with the trash. (My neck and shoulders hurt afterward, but I was so proud of myself that day! HAHA!) 

Marg, you mentioned something that also happened to me and is the reason why I've avoided going back on Facebook for months now. It was only a few months after Paul had passed and I thought I'd go on Facebook and try "connecting" with others again. I posted a picture I found to be very amusing on my wall and then, here came the comments, "Oh! So glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor!" and "Happy to see you're all better now!" Honestly, I don't believe in violence unless it's in self-defense, but I truly wanted to punch them right then and there. It's a good thing we were online.  I'm so sorry for ALL the things you are dealing with Marg. Between your mother and sister, your son and grandson and the loss of the love of your life---and over fifty years together, no less---I think you are Wonder Woman, lady! I haven't wanted to hurt myself, but I do understand that feeling of "Why was I left behind?". I feel guilty that Paul is no longer here with me to enjoy the things we loved to do---and only did---together. I think about those times we enjoyed and then, it hits me that I will never again have that. Ever. Certain things were just too tied in with him being there with me that I don't even want to return to certain places, even if accompanied by a friend. Those experiences have gone with him. 

I believe that hugging a wall might be a good thing. Or tree-hugging. I'm all for that. 

[Gin]

Terri,

i sure relate to not doing things that we used to do together.  Al was an avid gardener and now it is a mess.  We used to plant, weed, water together.  Done with that.  We went to plays almost every week (sometimes more) .  No more.  I will probably never go again.  That was our thing.  We made our own Christmas and family birthday cards.  No more.  I can't bear to do things without him that he loved to do.  Maybe I am not honoring him by being this way, but that is the way it is.  It is just too sad!

[scba]

16 minutes ago, Gin said:

Terri,

i sure relate to not doing things that we used to do together.  Al was an avid gardener and now it is a mess.  We used to plant, weed, water together.  Done with that.  We went to plays almost every week (sometimes more) .  No more.  I will probably never go again.  That was our thing.  We made our own Christmas and family birthday cards.  No more.  I can't bear to do things without him that he loved to do.  Maybe I am not honoring him by being this way, but that is the way it is.  It is just too sad!

Dear Gin,

It is very hard to honour someone in the middle of so much pain. It requires an amount of energy that we are using in something else, in trying to cope every day with the reality of our loss, for example. I'm about to reach year two, and only now I am in a place to take baby steps to honour my BF memory, for example, by going to concerts. He loved music. I could not have done this before, I was focused on leaving the bed, have breakfast, eat lunch, dinner and do the groceries. I could not do more. 

We love our spouses, they know it. I'm sure you will find a way to honoring him in your own time in your own way.