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Panic and physical symptoms


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I'm sorry if this is disjointed, but I wanted to get it out.

Apparently my grief at this time is showing through physical symptoms. Emotionally I don't feel....anything. I believe i am numb right now still since it has only been 4 days since I was with her when she passed. Yesterday was Mother's Day and my thoughts were racing with projects to do so I did a lot of cleaning and yard work. This was my mind's way of avoiding. There are times my mind starts going back to certain images of her last days and moments as well as hearing the sounds but I'm doing my best to avoid that as well. I got slight overriding anxiety as I sat at the computer tonight, but it went away and I eventually fell asleep. However, I'm up again because I was jolted awake in a full blown panic attack. I'm used to anxiety, but I have not had a panic attack this intense ever, I'm physically trying not to get sick my stomach is so clenched. I am still trying to fully calm down after 2 xanax (usually 1 works). In my sleep I heard a noise associated with my mom, yet somehow I was conscious enough to be aware this noise wasn't possible and that's how I woke up....it's hard to explain and I've never had something like that happen before. Then again, I've also never lost a parent before so this is all new!

Aside from the panic of what would once have been a very simple nose I wouldn't have thought twice about....emotionally I still feel nothing aside from the anxiety/panic. I also noticed I cannot watch House at this time. That's one of my favorite shows! However, there was one episode the patient had liver failure and another where they had hemachromatosis, both of which contributed to my mom's passing. I would never have thought that would cause me anxiety but it did. I don't feel sad, upset, anger....just nothing. My grief is coming out physically though through anxiety/panic, constant headaches/migraines, extremely tense muscles, i'm now getting a cough and soar throat (immune system shot?), heartburn, etc. I have a terrible time with identifying emotions in the first place on a normal day, so I feel this will be a long tough road.

Tonight I did some work and sent an email to a few colleagues and they were very supportive saying I need to be here for my family (my dad), but honestly, working keeps me busy and helps me avoid, but I don't want to tell them that. I also don't want them to think i'm cold? I can't explain it. Everyone deals differently I realize....and for me I don't know where the line of "coping with a healthy distraction vs completely avoiding/ignoring" is.

If anyone has any advice at all I guess, I would appreciate it. I can only imaging this will become more difficult as time goes on.

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Logan,

When you are here you never have to apologize. How you are or are not feeling is your reaction to this loss. We have a bond here and that is whatever we say (as long as it does not hurt another person) is okay. Many of us have been/are where you are right now. Grief is very individual and we will react to it in our own way. One thing most of us had to be told by a good grief counselor is what we are feeling is normal in grief. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to react to a significant loss. I do think it is important that you listen to your body and if you have physical symptoms that are interfering with daily life I would see my Primary Doctor just to make sure that if I needed to take any medicine that I am taking the right dose. I found that I needed to pay close attention to my physical body during my early grief. It is easy to become dehydrated or forget to eat or get out and walk. Self-care is so important. Remembering to do that has enabled me to allow my grief to unfold. No matter how distracted we make ourselves our grief will still be waiting for us. It does not ever go away but it does ease up and allows us to focus on all the good memories we have had with the person who is no longer with us. You will find support here. Here your grief will be validated. Writing is very cathartic. Reading and learning about what is and is not normal in grief helps us not to avoid it. It is normal that your grief comes in doses. And most important ~ remember you are not alone. 

Anne 

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Anxiety, and yes, panic attacks, are common with grief, I've experienced them, several others here have.

Distractions and avoidance only work so long in grief, and then it demands to get your attention.  It's important to do our grief work, there's many forms of doing this, seeing a grief counselor, journaling, depicting your grief through art, and whatever other ways comes to mind.  It's also good to take care of yourself, eating healthy, hydrating, exercise.  Meditation helps.  Some "schedule" time to grieve in their day so they can function at work and get what they need to get done, say 1/2 hour in the evening.  Of course you'll get hit with grief bursts at other times, that's to be expected.  It's also good to see a doctor, and mention the grief and anxiety.  There's a lot of articles on this site, so it's good to explore the different areas and do some reading.  There's also a lot of good books and Marty has a list of them posted.

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