It hurts so bad

[KarenK]

Our Hospice was wonderful. At our request, they transported Ron home on a portable vent, not really expecting him to live more than an hour. As soon as he was moved to the bed in the family room and the vent was removed, he immediately sat up and said "I'm alive". He then fell back and lapsed into a semi conscious state. His pacemaker had been turned off at the hospital and for 19 hours, my family and I stood by his side as he took one less breath each hour. We played his favorite movies on the DVD and talked to him, telling him we would be alright and that it was okay fro him to go. I suppose you would say that his death was peaceful, but how do any of us know that death is peaceful?

I would equate my daughter's Hospice with the county dog pound. They took forever to arrive or never arrived at all. They were fairly ineffective when present. On my daughter's last day, she screamed and convulsed the entire day. When we were not holding her down, we talked to her and tried to comfort her. I don't remember telling her that it was okay to go. In the middle of the night, a huge thunderstorm came through. She had gotten very quiet and I went upstairs to lie down for a bit. I had a very strange dream in which 2 women came to take her away and care for her. Her husband's mother came to my door and told me that she was gone. Her death was definitely not peaceful.

If there is "a better place", I hope they reside there.

[Margm]

I hope they all do Karen.  I am so sorry our members, so sorry our people everywhere have to suffer.  

[iPraiseHim]

These recent posts, have stirred up some questions I have about the immediate moment of death for my wife, Rose Anne.  From our first meeting, I could sense when my wife felt good or bad;  when she was emotionally close or distant.  And I have been puzzled as to why on the fateful day that my wife died, I had no sensing of her death. I was away and at work.  (She knew I wanted to be by her side.)

I've been reading this book and one of the phrases that has stuck with me is, " Most of us do not realize how much energy it takes to die!"  I find that statement startling and odd.  I had never really thought about it before.  Thinking back on the events leading up to the moment of my wife's death, I remember each day was an increasing struggle just to breath and when she got up for brief moments her breathing was very labored.  With dialysis, three times a week, her life was such a struggle she became anemic because her blood counts were continuing to drop.  In the last month, she needed a blood transfusion every two weeks just to bring up her red blood cell count.

In the midst of all her health struggles, I continued to hope and pray for a miraculous improvement in her quality of life.  As her caregiver for the last six years, I second guessed everything I did, thinking that maybe if I did something different, there would have been a different outcome. I have gradually come to accept her death on its own terms.  I don't like it. But it is what it is. Her death was not the pinnacle focus of her life.  Her pinnacle was loving me every day for almost 26 years.  So why should I just focus on one moment in time.  Our love for each other, changed the both of us.  I am richly blessed to have shared such a life with her.  Shalom - George  

[mittam99]

38 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

Her death was not the pinnacle of focus of her life.  Her pinnacle was loving me every day for almost 26 years.  So why should I just focus on one moment in time.  Our love for each other, changed the both of us.  I am richly blessed to have shared such a life with her.  Shalom - George  

George, just like you I was a caregiver for my beautiful wife Tammy. I always had one goal in mind... that somehow Tammy's health would get better. But, it seemed like no matter how hard we fought, the MRSA, the Lupus, the Raynaud's and the Sjogren's were winning the battle against us.

Like you, I don't understand what happened on March 6th. It started out as a hopeful day. It was going to be Tammy's second full day since coming home from rehab. We had such plans for the future, a future filled with love. And then by the evening she was gone. How did I not see the signs? I always was so in tune with her. I just don't think I could fathom that something like this could ever happen. Not to my Tammy.

Like you said, we shouldn't dwell on that final and horrendous last day but how can we not? I've been traumatized by the events of that day and things I saw. Tammy's last words of "help me" will forever cause me a hurt and anguish that rocks me to my core. I wasn't able to save her and at that moment the paramedics took her to the ambulance and she was gone...forever.

My sweet Tammy..  the woman of my dreams...the most precious and most wonderful wife a man could ever have... died, and my world turned into complete and utter torture and emptiness.  

Of course, I would never define my life with Tammy by that dreadful day. Our life was about love and laughter and the joy of being with each other. Of being the perfect team. Mitch and Tammy forever and always. 

[Margm]

I have been traumatized by seeing Billy in death too.  I think we all have been.  Billy was such a proud man though.  He came from a poor family (we were all poor back in the 1940's and on.  His clothes were hung up in the kitchen and a teacher pointed out that his clothes always smelled like bacon.  He was just a little kid.  He remembered that all his life.  So now, his wife of 54 years is going to remember his death mask???  I will remember that no more.  That is not honoring him, that would be as traumatic to him as the bacon incident.  So Billy, that will be dissociated from my mind.  If I can control my mind to numb down then I sure can dumb down too. 

[Gin]

 The last hours of Al's life were very stressful.  He was in a coma like state and did not respond.  I just held his hand and kept telling what a great husband he was and how happy we were.  He stirred a bit and said "It's so hard to say goodbye.".  That was the last thing he ever said.  Early in the morning my daughter and son-in-law came up to be with me.  By that time the pulse in Al's neck was throbbing big time.  We were talking and all of a sudden my son-in-law motioned to Al's neck.  The throbbing stopped.  It was over.  The pacemaker was still sending signals so the pacemaker company had to come shut it off.  I think Al waited until my daughter came so I would not be alone.

[R.Everit55]

Hugs to everyone ❤️

[mittam99]

Grief changes everything, as we all know. Things that meant one thing before now have a different meaning. Things you used to enjoy no longer hold much interest. In the past time seemed to fly by, nowadays the clock often seems stuck. One example is music. Those songs we and our soul mates loved now bring tears. Tammy and I really liked a lot of the songs by Jack Johnson. I played one in particular all the time because it's sentiment fit Tammy and me to a tee. "Better Together". The song is a teary reminder of what I no longer have. It's a very good song, but it brings out different emotions now.

 

[mittam99]

I'm still wrapping my head around this quote from author Norman Cousins.

[Margm]

The capacity for hope is the most significant fact of life. It provides human beings with a sense of destination and the energy to get started. (Norman Cousins)

I started reading him when I had cancer.  This man had so many illnesses and I really thought he was in his 60's.  He was Billy's age when he passed away, 75.  He has a few books written and he was very easy to  read.  i missed him when he passed away, and I did not even know him.  Reading books sometimes makes you feel like you know the author, and to me, that is a very good author.  I think we are all like two sets of flowers put out to grow in a pot.  Sometimes the flowers bloom together and are beautiful.  Sometimes, the one flower dies, so the other flower  has to bloom twice as hard to show the world they both lived.

[kayc]

Marg,

Thank you for sharing that, I agree with that quote!

You are so right about reading...I missed being able to read those ten years following George's death and I enjoy finally having it back!  It takes you to another place, another world, and so for a while you can escape...

[Margm]

When Billy and I RV'd we had lights on each side of the bed on the wall.  That was the high point of our day, crawling into bed and reading together.  Billy was not a reader when we first got married.  He read Sports Afield and the sports magazines.  When I read, just like when I watch sports, I pick out a magazine contributor and I pick out some sports player.  I study up on their life and it just makes things more interesting.  That got me to reading Patrick McManus.  (sp?).  That man was so funny that when Daddy was so ill in the hospital, I would read Patrick McManus (he has lots of books) and even though he was hurting, he and I would get to laughing so tears were running down our faces and I would have to straighten up so I could read serious to him but it would not happen.  Laughter is good medicine.  It made Daddy forget about his pain for just a minute or two, and he hurt so bad.  How could I have ever wanted to keep Billy any longer knowing he was going to hurt like that.  I miss him terribly but I could not stand him hurting like my dad did.  Oh, and Billy became the reader of the family.  I went through a period where I just could not concentrate for any length of time, and this was when he was not sick.  Billy would read up till 2:00 a.m. some days.  I still have his Joe Pickett novels to read.  I finished the book he was reading when he passed away.  It was a J. Box novel also.  I swear I will read every one he writes.  Billy would have.  So maybe if I am him and he is me, maybe he will enjoy them too.  I hope so.  I have to get in the apartment first though.  I go to bed so tired each night now I can read a couple of pages and then I put on the meditation tape which better work by osmosis.  

[kayc]

Marg,

I think some things do work through osmosis, and meditation may be one of them, if we go to sleep and they're going, maybe it's getting through.  You're still going through thing, that's why you're exhausted?  I hope you get some peace soon.  I think I will die here so I don't have to go through everything.   My son has a lot of stuff here so he can go through it, I know they'll pitch everything of mine and that's okay.  I won't care, I'll be with George!  I'm getting older and older while he's immortalized at 51, hmmm....

[KarenK]

Marg,

Since you & Billy introduced me to C.J. Box, I have read all but two of his books. Finished one at 8:00 AM this morning. I would rather read than sleep. At least that way, I can stop the nightmare by closing the book.

[Margm]

Don't you just love Joe Pickett.  You know he does not look like a hero, but he has people that dissolve into the woods that make him look like a hero..  Billy loved him.  C.J. Box's email still comes to my address.  Will read them all.  I am starting back on the first one it has been so long ago.  

[Margm]

Kay, I hope it helps.  I have a lot of them on my Kindle.  I go to sleep every night listening with my ear buds.  That was what I was doing when no one could get me on the phone so they had the police and ambulance out front.  Bless their hearts, I cannot fault them for caring.  But, Scott lives in the RV next to the house and he can get in, so no one has been scared about me anymore.  

Anyhow, I wish there was some way for it to get through to my brain, but it sure puts me to sleep fast.  I do my breathing exercises and then I am gone.  

[mittam99]

Been a while since I posted in this topic. Today it just hurts so bad. It's a holiday weekend and the sun is shining. A perfect day to throw some meat on the grill. But, I have no oomph to do that and no one to share the food with. Barbecuing is too much work to just cook for one. I used to love cooking on the grill. Tending to the fire and getting the food "just right". Sure it got hot and smoky and sweaty doing it, but that's what us men do to please our women. We've been doing it since the cave man days!

Tammy loved anything cooked on the grille (who doesn't, right?). Her beloved dad was a master at it. Ironically, the last grill I bought was the same exact smoker/grill he owned. 

I think holidays ars so hard for me because it's a painful reminder of all I've lost. My beautiful Tammy is gone. My parents ard gone. My grandparents. All my aunts and uncles. All that's left from my family are my sisters and Katie, and a few in-laws (Tammy's sisters and her mom). Tammy's family lives in Illinois and my sisters, although local, don't really stay in touch much with me.

I'm so alone in this world. It is so hard.

[Margm]

Mitch, this is my anniversary holiday, and really, lately have had a hard time.  What was that song they sang that some days are diamonds, some days are coal.  I think most days are good if they can just be rhinestones.  I am dragging.  Gotta get with the program.  I notice Kevin needs a hip, Karen and Gin are ill a lot and darn it if I did not get ill myself.  Thought I was immune to some of this stuff, thought I was doing good, but I think I am just tired.  And I think of Butch, and his mom passing, and she was tired.  Could not sleep last night with all the worry.  Gotta get myself in gear.  Too much to do to slow down like this.  My thoughts are with you all.  Hope we get some energy back in our life.  We sure need it.

[mittam99]

53 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 Gotta get myself in gear.  Too much to do to slow down like this.

Marg, I know you feel like you need to motivate yourself and in your situation, that's understandable. Yet, honestly, considering all that has transpired... not just your beloved Billy's death but all the extra turmoil you've been dealing with, I'm amazed at your fortitude. Give yourself a pat on the back, you deserve it and you are entitled to do that once in a while. I wish you nothing but peace in the upcoming days and weeks.

[Margm]

Thanks Mitch.  Traveling today, should have been gone yesterday.  Peace to all of you.

[kayc]

Oh Mitch, I'm sorry today is extra hard.  I've had an extremely difficult last two days, which I am going to take steps to not have happen again, crashed exhausted last night and today.  Will have to work on the 4th, maybe it's just as well, it's depressing to spend holidays alone all the time.   I tried to call you, went to voicemail...

Marg, I don't know how you're holding up but I pray for you, you have way too much on your shoulders.  I hope you soon get through with all this and can just let down in peace.  Thinking of you on Sunday especially...

[brat#2]

Mitch - I'm sorry you are hurting right now.  This weekend is not good for me either.  Last 4th is when Dale got extremely sick and I called an ambulance at 11:00 that night to go the ER and we found out that his bowel had perforated and it was the start of his last 6 days on this earth.  Unfortunately that is all I can think about at this time and really wish it was over.

Marg - my heart and thoughts are with you.

Sending you all hugs

Joyce

 

[R.Everit55]

This song was one of mine and Marys songs.  I here it a lot.  It hurts to hear songs that "we're ours".  But I almost need to listen to them so I don't let go of her and us. 

 

[mittam99]

Joyce,

I know this has to be such a hard time this 4th with those very difficult memories. I fully believe Dale is looking down on you and feeling proud that you are his wife. Hugs.

Butch...

You've been dealing with so much sorrow in recent times. I hope and pray things ease for you soon. You're so right about the power of a song that keeps you connected to your wife. Those songs will always be important. They brings tears but they also remind us of the amazing love we shared.

[R.Everit55]

❤️