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It hurts so bad


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On 2/14/2016 at 8:11 PM, Janka said:

Dear Mitch,

I have to reply,reading your post as I could write a book about the doctors here.My beloved man Jan wasn´t ailing or old,and yet he died.It were the doctors who killed him.

Janka...

I know there are many in the medical profession who are very caring and outstanding in their jobs but...

Over the years, with Tammy's many hospital stays, I've seen so many things that simply make me cringe thinking about them.

Here are just a couple examples. There was a particular drug that Tammy was allergic to. It caused her blood pressure to drop so low that once it actually caused Tammy to go into cardiac arrest. I made sure it was noted in her chart that this medicine was something that NEVER was supposed to be given to Tammy again. Well, one evening I was sitting next to Tammy in the hospital when her meds were being dispensed. As I always did, I asked the nurse what medications were being given to Tammy. And guess what? One of the meds was that drug that Tammy was deathly allergic to!! Thank god I was there to stop her from taking it but I'm certain in many cases the wrong meds are given to the wrong patient.

On another occasion, I drove Tammy to the ER because she was in intense pain. Not even her very strong pain prescriptions would touch it. Keep in mind that Tammy had a pretty high tolerance for pain and due to her medical conditions she was on pretty heavy narcotic pain meds. Anyhow, the doctors in the ER basically refused to give her strong enough meds to lessen her pain. The stuff they gave her was weaker than what she had at home. They actually were trying to lecture her on the "evils" of narcotics. Yes, Tammy and I were well aware of that but she needed pain relief at the time. These doctors were treating her as if she was a junkie coming to the ER for a fix!!!

I wrote a very angry letter to the president of that hospital for the way they treated Tammy. I did get an apology but still...

I could go on with many more stories. And you wonder why I have a VERY low opinion of the medical profession?

I truly believe if Tammy's doctors weren't so wrapped up in trying to earn as much $$$ as possible and actually cared about their patient she might have been around longer in this life.

 

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Mitch, I recall feeling similar disgruntled and angry feelings about doctors/hospital after my sister passed. She kept getting so many letters about rescheduled appointments. The weekend she started to go downhill, she was supposed to have an appointment on Monday, but of course it was rescheduled.  She was NOT doing well and was gone within 2 days.

I do blame myself for just not calling 911, but I think had she had her scheduled appointment it would have been right on time and she have certainly been admitted and treated and most likely alive right now. It actually would have been perfect timing because she got sick on Sunday and had an appointment on Monday. But it was rescheduled. I can't fully blame them for everything, but I do wonder if they told her how serious her condition was and what to look for in emergencies. I just feel like we both failed her.

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I will remember the morning Mark died vividly for the rest of my life.  How when I was following behind the ambulance, it NEVER dawned on me that he would die.  Your 53 year old husband isn't supposed to die.  They worked on him in our living room for over 45 minutes, assuring me that they had everything with them that would be at the emergency room.  I remember hearing terminology I had heard many times on all the episodes of ER and Grey's Anatomy.  I remember crying and screaming his name as I was having to apply chest compressions to my wonderful husband to keep his heart going.  I remember seeing the ambulance stopping in the middle of the street on the way to the hospital that was less than 5 minutes from our home.  I remember walking into the room where his lifeless body rested, and putting my hand alongside his face and breaking down and crying.  He had been in the ER and hospital the day after Thanksgiving, from gastritis and dehydration...telling them he had chest pains.  He was on a heart monitor all night.  Cause of death was hardening of the arteries.  I am thankful that seeing him in the ER is no longer the first picture in my head.  It has taken over 14 months to get to that place.  I had to move the furniture in the room because I saw him lying on the floor...with the defibrillator on his chest. I really couldn't be next to him, so I paced around, trying to figure out which member of the family to call.  I called 911 at 6:09 am, and he was pronounced dead at the ER at 7:11 am.  An hour that has now changed my life forever.

I am sorry for all the traumas we had to witness and the goodbyes that never got to be said.

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Froggie, your recap almost broke me because I have the same kind of story, as we all. Your line "It NEVER dawned on me that he would die" was my major mistake. Heck, I wish I had moments of them working on my sister for 45 minutes, at least I could say they tried. I had blinded myself into believing we had time, that the worst thing in the world would not happen. Just that sort of denial bubble I had cocooned myself in. I believe it cost her life.

When you said you had to move the furniture around I nodded. I feel the same way about everything from her apartment to our neigborhood. I see her everywhere, and yet I'm terrified to let go of that familiarity. To go to something new is like dumping her in the past. I don't know what to do. Sorry for my rant.

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I cannot write about my BF last days without feeling a paralysis. I think I will never, ever forget. It is a trauma, I'm sorry too that we have to live with that. I didn't want to say goodbye, I left the ICU without being able to say I love you, I was furious with God, with doctors, with my life. I was in shock, y wanted to scream: save him! wake him up!. Still today I feel so guilty for not staying, for not being able to say last words. I didn't want to see him die nor see his death body. I carry the feeling that I fail him and this is a trauma that keeps coming in my therapy sessions. I will never forget the sound of the machine that measure the hear beat, that beep of fibrilation that I knew from ER TV series. It will haunt me forever. We all carry this with us, and I sincerely wish that we will be able to make it to "evolve" those last days, minutes, hours into something....I don't know what. 

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Scba, I feel that same trauma. I think I still suffer from PTSD. I still have flashes of finding my sister, trying to open her mouth, just doing heart compressions when I knew it was all over.  I have regrets that I didn't kiss her or stay with her after she passed. I just couldn't  look at her lifeless body. She wasn't goofing around or something, she was actually dead. I just couldn't deal.   It was so sudden I wasn't even thinking about saying goodbye, I just am still full of anger all the time.

I hate how I have changed and will never be the same.

 

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1 hour ago, hollowheart said:

 

When you said you had to move the furniture around I nodded. I feel the same way about everything from her apartment to our neigborhood. I see her everywhere, and yet I'm terrified to let go of that familiarity. To go to something new is like dumping her in the past. I don't know what to do. Sorry for my rant.

Dear HH, sometimes we think that we are removing them, but according to many books and readings, through grief we are making them part of our present. It doesn't make sense to me yet.

Sometimes we need to take action, like change furniture, to allow us to stay here in the present without so much pain. Otherwise we cannot make it, and we must. 

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Whatever way makes you most comfortable, I say "Go for it!"  George and I started our marriage with a new loveseat/recliner, it vibrated and massaged.  His only stipulation was we get one that did not have a drink holder in the middle, he didn't want anything coming between us.  He broke it right away by playfully jumping on/attacking me.  My dog, when a puppy, chewed the wiring and back of it off.  So my poor reclining loveseat sags on one side where George broke it, has to have it's back against the wall because of the missing upholstery, and no longer massages/vibrates.  But it's very comfortable, all the same...I put a pillow in the area where it sags/comes apart.  But though it's seen better days, I cannot get rid of it.  Not only is it comfortable, but without the abuse it's sustained, it really has held up well...but more importantly, its George and my loveseat.  

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Gin, isn't it odd that what brings me comfort brings you pain?  Yet that is how grief is, a very personalized journey.

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3 hours ago, Gin said:

Kaye,

Al and I had our favorite loveseat/recliner.  We watched TV and sat in it every night.  I can not bring myself to sit in it anymore without him.  Wish I could.  Maybe later.

I can't change anything in our house. I can't bear the idea of change. Maybe I live in a fantasy world where I want to keep things the way they are for when Tammy miraculously comes back home. The reality is, it just helps me cope. It's a comfort for me. Not so much a reminder that she's gone but that somehow everything "will be ok" again.

55 minutes ago, Gin said:

Kay,

Maybe I am just an avoider.  I was talking to someone today who goes to the theater that he used to go to with his wife.  I gave all my season tickets away.  That was OUR thing and I just do not go anymore.

I find myself extremely sad when I'm doing anything that Tammy and I used to enjoy together. It just feels wrong and in a way I feel guilty that I'm enjoying anything, I guess. I cry when I see a commercial for restaurants we used to enjoy going to.

It's just so hard.

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Mitch, yes it is so very hard.    I do not want to go to restaurants that we used to enjoy.  I went to one where we went all the time.  Some of the waitresses and the bus boy came up and gave me a hug.  That was very thoughtful, but of course I started to cry again.  I just prefer to avoid them.

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Put me in the club of not wanting to do anything you used to do with your loved one. There is a store we used to go to all the time, we look alike so everyone knew us and they would go "where's your sister?" if we weren't together. I cant' stand of the idea of them asking and I have to say she passed away instead of she's just at home and didn't feel like coming out. I just HATE that thought.

I see TV shows and trailers for movies and can't get excited at all. Shopping is just dreadful now and that was such a fun thing to do. And I don't mean for clothes, we liked all kinds of stuff, so it was fun going to out.

I dont' want change either, but I go to restaruants we used to go to and I can still see us sitting in 'that' booth, or her waiting in line at 'that' counter or something like that. I just want to rewind back to those days.

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(In my opinion) if you want to be seen in the ER, call an ambulance.  Near death in March of 2014, my life was saved because Billy called for an ambulance.  I was unconscious or I would not have let him call one.  I was seen emergently.  He was dying, (I did not know) but walked to the truck.  It was daylight when.we arrived in the ER..  I kept going to the desk and told them he was comatose.  He was brought to hospital room between 4:00 am and 5:00 am.  He was gone by 7:30 am. If I had only brought him by ambulance.  He took five weeks from time of diagnosis.  Our oncologist had said early in the treatment "shoulda, woulda, coulda"  I hate those words.  I might have kept him longer, but at what cost to him?  I miss him but it did not take enough time to allow him to suffer for years.  I didnot want him to go.........ever.

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As it gets closer to one year without my beloved Tammy, the intense pain and awful anguish has not subsided. No, it's not constant pain. I mean, I am able to function for the most part. but, the triggers and thoughts pop up constantly and so do those tears and the intense, gut wrenching sadness.

That's my world. The world without my special angel by my side.

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It's hard to believe an entire year is nearing, it doesn't seem that long ago, and yet an eternity at the same time.  Such is the contradictions of loss.

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13 hours ago, mittam99 said:

As it gets closer to one year without my beloved Tammy, the intense pain and awful anguish has not subsided. No, it's not constant pain. I mean, I am able to function for the most part. but, the triggers and thoughts pop up constantly and so do those tears and the intense, gut wrenching sadness.

Yes, this is me. I'm just existing. I'm sad all the time. It feels so suffocating not having anyone to talk to, no conversations I enjoy. I was watching "Final Destination" a few days ago, a horror movie. My sister and I love those movies and own them, seen them multiple times. My mom came in and watched a little then asked "what's this?" It just instantly made me sad that I couldn't watch it with someone that knew what it was and was a fan. I couldn't enjoy it the way I would have liked. It keeps me hardened and angry.

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Dear HH, I totally understand you. At the same time I am "amazed" (not the right word but I cannot think of a different one) of the link you had with your sister. I love my brothers, but I don't think I share so much with them.I hope that with time the bond and love you both have overcomes the sadness and anger. I cannot tell how this can be cause I'm new in grief too. 

 

 

 

 

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37 minutes ago, scba said:

Dear HH, I totally understand you. At the same time I am "amazed" (not the right word but I cannot think of a different one) of the link you had with your sister. I love my brothers, but I don't think I share so much with them.I hope that with time the bond and love you both have overcomes the sadness and anger. I cannot tell how this can be cause I'm new in grief too. 

Scba, yes, I think those that didn't know us don't know how one could be so close to a sibling. I don't know anyone else that is that close to a brother or sister. People I know hardly talk to their siblings or can't stand them. The fact that we were the main person in each others lives, and that we got each other and connected so well that makes this even harder.  Maybe if we each had families it would be a little different, I'd have something else to focus on.  I'm really left with no one now.

I may have loved my TV, ipad and video games, but we were still an essential part of each others everyday. It's brutal not having that anymore. VERY brutal.

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It is very brutal. Yes it is! I can imagine you feeling that the thing other people can hardly stand (siblings) is the one who filled your heart. The connection you had was extraordinary, but knowing this doesnt ease the pain. Like me, when I am told that I have been blessed with our love but I find no confort in that yet. 

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Scba, I hate when memories of me and her pop up. It almost feels like I'm being ripped apart from the inside. Memories should be good things, but it just reminds me of things we will never do again, things we had so much fun doing. It's heartbreaking. No one to make anymore weekend plans with, vacation plans, evening plans.

I can't find comfort in anything. As we have talked about, all I have are distractions and they are getting old because once I get tired of them I have nothing else, so I usually end up forcing myself to keep doing them out of something to do. Ugh.

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Gin, this is my major stumbling block too.  At this point, memories of the good times just rip me apart inside.  Logic says it should do the opposite, but it doesn't and I get soooooo tired of trying to explain that people.  I've even had to ask people to please not relay thier memories to me at this time.  Maybe someday, but not for now.  He very rare occasion I think of him ad smile are wonderful, but I am not ready to dive into them.

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