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It hurts so bad


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I know I was lucky to have Tammy in my life. To be able to share a life as one and laugh and love together. To have my soul mate. To be able to finish each others sentences... etc. etc. etc...

And that's why people who say "remember the good times" just don't get it. It is remembering those good times that's a constant reminder of happiness you will never experience again.

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I also have trouble with remembering times with John.  I'll go there a little bit, but it always makes me so sad, I cry and then put them away.  It's true, a lot of people say that very thing not realizing how painful it is--remember the good times.....

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Remembering isn't a substitute for living it, is it?!

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You hit the nail on the head yet again, Kay.  I know we will be glad to have the memories down the line.  But for many of us now, they just intensify how empty life feels.  People don't get this isn't sitting down WITH your partner and taking a trip down memory lane.  This is memory lane solo.  Add to that things that have happened since they left that can't be shared anymore.  I don't know how many times I have wanted to call to Steve and say...come see this!  

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When at last I'm in his arms again, I'm never letting go...

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Today is 44 months since my Jim died. I still find myself wanting to call out to him and tell him something. I have good memories that help me along the way of this pain. It is hard to remember the good times but that is what I choose to do ~ 

Anne

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20 hours ago, kayc said:

Remembering isn't a substitute for living it, is it?!

Girl, you have told the truth again! Also, I find that I feel like my sister is fading from me. The longer it gets the further away those last times are we had together. I fear what I will feel in 20 years, having to dig back that long to try to remember a "good time" that won't be fun.

Gwen, you hit the double nail what you said about times now that can't be shared, and that is one of the worst parts in all of this. I think it's why a part of me doesn't want to do anything very fun anymore. My sister loved Game of Thrones and just about everyone in the world watches that, so when I hear GoT references on other tv shows or trailers for the upcoming season and I can't go "ohhhh, look at this!" and get excited with her. It just feels empty and sad that she's not here to enjoy things she loved. Ugh!  H A T E this!!! 

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18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

People don't get this isn't sitting down WITH your partner and taking a trip down memory lane.  This is memory lane solo.  

Add to that things that have happened since they left that can't be shared anymore.  I don't know how many times I have wanted to call to Steve and say...come see this!  

"Memory lane solo"... what a great and true way to put that!

Just as you said there have been so many times that I've wanted to turn to Tammy and tell her about something. And then the unfortunate reality sets in and I look to the heavens and hope she can hear me.

This new life of memories and loneliness is absolutely awful.

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51 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Just as you said there have been so many times that I've wanted to turn to Tammy and tell her about something. And then the unfortunate reality sets in and I look to the heavens and hope she can hear me.

Of course,she does hear you,Mitch... ;)

Janka

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You know what is really painful, and it hit me so intensely yesterday, missing touch, cuddling, an arm thrown around your shoulder, a kiss, etc.  How do you learn to live without that....I know people do, but after 46 years of daily touch, I'm lost as to how to navigate this.  It's not the same as a hug from a friend.  It's that personal, totally comforting feel of that someone you know so well.  God, it is hurting all of a sudden....

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Yes, Cookie.  It does hurt so bad.  I try to keep busy but that doesn't work, either.  I miss AL so very much and do not see any way out of it.    This week was bad with car issues, internet issues, and bathtub issues.  I sure hope it can all be fixed.  Al used to take care of so much.  He was so handy and smart.  I miss him on so many levels, mostly the things you talked about...touching, hugging, holding hands, etc.

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Tammy loved to be touched and especially to be massaged. With her chronic pain from lupus, the massages were like gift from heaven for her. The way she would "oooh and ahh" when you hit the right spot always made me smile. Making her feel good and making her happy made me happy.

I miss her on so many levels like you mentioned, Gin. Just like your Al, I am pretty handy and I miss being able to share some on my "Mr. Fix-it" accomplishments with Tammy.

When you share your life with someone and they become a part of you (and vice-versa), life is the way it should be. Losing your soul mate is like losing your arms  and your legs and your heart and your soul. All that's left is an empty shell. and maybe your brain, I guess. And what's left of my brain is filled with so much sadness, it's often too much to bear.

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If some of you had a belief in God,who is the reason why you all met the love in your life,you couldn´t feel such emptiness anymore...I hope,the all of you who feel like that,will get to know it one day...

With love Janka

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Billy was never "Mr. Fix-it," but if he put his mind to it, he could do it.  His folks always rented, so he never had to fix anything.  In his small town they did not have the sanitation laws they have now, so his chief project was replacing his folk's old toilet with a newly built two seater.  I did not understand square holes, so he put commode tops on.  Our oval steps in front of the house wore down to dangerous things.  Finally he poured concrete into an oval stairway.  I promised I would paint them.  I haven't, but I will.  His fixing anything had to be a last minute save.  He hated owning a house.  He would and could work on RV's and he always could do all the working/fixing of computers.  I was so glad when our daughter married a combination "Mr. Fix-it."  And, after all his disasterous results, I was even happier when she got rid of him.

We had good times and the memories far outweighed the bad.  Sometimes when the hurt gets too bad, instead of the good times, I remember the bad things as a cover for the pain.  I wonder, if I had gone first, like we both thought I would, would he cover his hurt with the things I did and said to cover up the unbearable pain.   Then I remember my mom and my friend.  They covered their hurt with anger at their mate for leaving, even though they knew they did not do it on purpose.  I guess anger sometimes provides a lidocaine soaked bandage to cover a wound that will never heal.  

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8 minutes ago, Marg M said:

We had good times and the memories far outweighed the bad.  Sometimes when the hurt gets too bad, instead of the good times, I remember the bad things as a cover for the pain.  I wonder, if I had gone first, like we both thought I would, would he cover his hurt with the things I did and said to cover up the unbearable pain.   Then I remember my mom and my friend.  They covered their hurt with anger at their mate for leaving, even though they knew they did not do it on purpose.  I guess anger sometimes provides a lidocaine soaked bandage to cover a wound that will never heal.  

That will heal,Margaret...You just need to find the lost faith you´re looking for...

With love Janka

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Oh Janka, you "hit the nail on the head."  You now know the meaning of that.  You are so right my young friend.  If I had my faith back, my feelings would be so much more understandable, and I would be able to handle them better.   I so appreciate your faith and for years I had it. I want it back, and I sure need prayer.  Yes, I do believe in prayers, and one of these days, and I hope I live long enough to get my faith back, I want my prayers to go further than the ceiling.   I have a hunting expedition to go on, and I have a screwed up brain to unscramble.  I think the "work" will be worth it.  Love you my sweet friend.   

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3 hours ago, Janka said:

If some of you had a belief in God,who is the reason why you all met the love in your life,you couldn´t feel such emptiness anymore...I hope,the all of you who feel like that,will get to know it one day..

Janka, I hope you understand that faith and belief are not like switches can we can turn on and off.  I was raised in a religious family and so much of it did not make sense to me.  I dont want to debate god here, it's not the place for it.  But I do take exception to being told by many that if I just believed this would be easier.  This isn't a one size fits all thing.  Purely my opinion.

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Definitely not one size fits all.  We look for peace where we can find it.  Some find it with faith.  Our own personal journey.  Myself, faith fits me, I just am not open to it yet, but I wish to God I was.  I think one thing is true, we all wish for peace that passes all understanding, and if you have it, I am so proud of you, I am in envy of you, but I do not begrudge you that peace.  I want it too.  If I live long enough, I will have it and it will be my size.

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I certainly understand that faith does give you a degree of comfort and hope and for some, maybe inner peace.

But... this incredible pain I feel, losing my perfect wife, my soul mate, my sweet Tammy... has not been "relieved" by my faith.

If only God would allow our lost loved ones to speak to us before they go to heaven and let us know they are "ok" and we will meet again...  Now that would change everything!  If only it was that easy...

Janka, I do have a belief in God but I still feel the emptiness of love lost inside.

 

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Janka, I hope you understand that faith and belief are not like switches can we can turn on and off.  I was raised in a religious family and so much of it did not make sense to me.  I dont want to debate god here, it's not the place for it.  But I do take exception to being told by many that if I just believed this would be easier.  This isn't a one size fits all thing.  Purely my opinion.

Gwen,

as you have the right to say anything against the God that I must read here,I also have the right to say my opinion.It´s not pleasant to read the attacks of some of you against the God.I have the same right as you do and it´s not about a religion,it´s just my opinion.So,let me say what I want to say.

Thank you!

Janka

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I think we are not to speak of religion on here, which to some of us is the same as asking us not to breathe.  If we were discussing whether Clinton would make a better president than Donald Trump, then that would certainly be inappropriate for this forum.  Well, we can all agree that our grief would not be helped by either of those two, but it would not be appropriate on a grief forum either.  Listen, you all know I am having a problem with my anger with God.  I think we, at least a few of us, have this anger.  I envy anyone's faith in a higher being, and I know what higher being that is.

I understand not being able to argue religion.  When I got Billy's diagnosis, when he was still in recovery, I went to the chapel.  It now is against the law to put any one religious article in a state chapel.  I could not pray.  They stripped my faith right out of that hospital.  I have not recovered.  If God cannot be mentioned on this forum, I will have to leave it.  If you do not feel it, I understand.  But, just like that faithless chapel, and the faithless minister, the lifelong Methodist minister, now everyman's "minister" I feel very strongly about having someone with faith near me.  If you do not feel it, that is okay.  I cannot let what little faith I have be left cold, like my heart, like that faithless chapel.  Now that is all. 

And, I think I just had my breakdown.

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1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

I certainly understand that faith does give you a degree of comfort and hope and for some, maybe inner peace.

But... this incredible pain I feel, losing my perfect wife, my soul mate, my sweet Tammy... has not been "relieved" by my faith.

If only God would allow our lost loved ones to speak to us before they go to heaven and let us know they are "ok" and we will meet again...  Now that would change everything!  If only it was that easy...

Janka, I do have a belief in God but I still feel the emptiness of love lost inside.

 

The faith is not about a proof that you need,Mitch.You can´t see the air in your lungs,and yet you breathe...You can´t prove the love,and yet you love...The faith doesn´t need the proofs.You can believe,or not.It´s all up to you.

Janka

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5 hours ago, Marg M said:

Oh Janka, you "hit the nail on the head."  You now know the meaning of that.  You are so right my young friend.  If I had my faith back, my feelings would be so much more understandable, and I would be able to handle them better.   I so appreciate your faith and for years I had it. I want it back, and I sure need prayer.  Yes, I do believe in prayers, and one of these days, and I hope I live long enough to get my faith back, I want my prayers to go further than the ceiling.   I have a hunting expedition to go on, and I have a screwed up brain to unscramble.  I think the "work" will be worth it.  Love you my sweet friend.   

Dearest Margaret,

thank you so much for your kind words that caressed my soul! I do know now the meaning of that.

Love you,too!

Janka

PS: For you to put a smile on your face...Kiss.gif

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