The world seems strange.. / .. Accidents

[Patty65]

It's been a good week since I posted. The last time I did, I was so severely hopeless.  I keep trying to hold on -- hold on to the business, hold on to my self.   I know part of this "strange world" problem is that I'm working too much - I get in early to the pasta shop, and usually cry through doing my early morning baking and cooking, while I am here alone.  Then everyone arrives a few hours later, and I just keep going.  Ron was my "speed control". When I started to get stressed and move too fast, I'd have accidents and he would make me slow down.  

I first noticed the "strange world" a little over a week ago.  I was driving home from the class I was teaching at 9pm, and the normal route now seemed like toys. Nothing was real.  Like a child's hand could come down and pick up the signs and buildings and cars.  I had trouble differentiating the lanes - the shoulder seemed like a lane to me.  On our shop's one year anniversary, a very hard day, I tried to drive home but had to pull over, I couldn't navigate, and then the sobbing came.  I was on the side of the road for hours, and there was nobody anymore to worry about me, and where I was, which compounded my sadness and confusion.

But most troubling of all is that I've been having a ton of accidents at the kitchen.  They have mostly been burn accidents.  I dropped a catering tray of lasagna that spattered up on my legs and arms, third degree burns and blisters.  I burn my arms and legs taking trays out of the oven.  And then this weekend I accidentally poured bubbling hot oil down my leg right over where the lasagna tray burns were.  I've been inches from car accidents.  My driver's license disappeared. I swear I'm not doing any of it on purpose.  The world is just so strange.

The other part of it is that although I'm extremely busy at work, Ron is right in front of me.  Not by my side "in front of me" but images of his final days and death.  I was with him alone, begging him to stay and go at the same time, and had never witnessed anyone die.  I see the doctor screaming back at me that he IS going to die - the news that he was going to, that the cancer was all over his brain and lungs, the news that I would not accept because I still believed my herbal treatments were going to work.  It's just there with me, intruding. Of his rapid improvement when he went on sterroids to get the brain swelling down, and then his rapid decline as the cancer took over again, all within a couple weeks.  I drive by the hospice house every morning on the way to work, and I have daggers and tears in my eyes.  It was only me through the whole thing -- only caregiver, only family, only everything.  It was just us, the two musketeers, fighting and clawing to keep and grow our new business.  Then it was only me, with this news that he was dying, and very soon, and the business, and, and, and.

My therapist called my experience with the strange world I'm still living in "derealization". Next Monday Ron will be gone 3 months. I've been suicidal, with a plan, but I have pulled away from all of that with my therapist's help, as I have to find a way to help my daughter through her last year of college, and it would be cruel to leave her.

My therapist believes the trauma of all the fatal news, his rapid decline, and watching him die while living with him at the hospice house, all in a span of 3 weeks, is causing my detachment from the world around me and contributing to all the accidents.  Has anyone experienced this sense of detachment?

Thanks,

Patty

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Patty65 said:

My therapist believes the trauma of all the fatal news, his rapid decline, and watching him die while living with him at the hospice house, all in a span of 3 weeks, is causing my detachment from the world around me and contributing to all the accidents.  Has anyone experienced this sense of detachment?

 

Patty, my dear, I agree completely with your therapist. Your post reminds me so much of a personal message I received earlier this week ~ and I want to share with you some of the same information I gave to the person who wrote to me.

First, I invite you to read an article posted recently on the website What's Your Grief entitled Grief After Traumatic Loss.

Next, I encourage you to do some reading about the treatments available to help specifically with processing traumatic loss. It's good to know that you are working with a therapist who recognizes your recent accidents and detachment as indicative of post-traumatic stress. You should also know that there are some remarkably effective treatment methods (such as EMDR and EFT) nowadays for PTSD, but they require specialized training, and not all therapists are qualified to offer them. 

If you're satisfied with the progress you're making with your therapist, that is fine ~ but it's certainly okay to ask if he or she has some training and experience in working with trauma and post-traumatic stress. If not, you might consider asking for a referral to someone who is qualified and skilled in using some of the treatment methods I've mentioned,

See, for example, PTSD survivors talk about finding a therapist, including the video at the top of the page entitled What is your advice for the survivor looking for a trauma therapist?

I hope you will not wait to do some research on this, Patty. In the meantime, please make a point to be extra careful driving and working in your pasta shop. The accidents you've described are serious, and your health and safety are at stake!

 

[kayc]

Patty,

It sounds very frightening what you are experiencing.  I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and listening to her, and that you've decided not to follow through on suicide...now is not only a bad time for your daughter's mom to leave, but anytime is a bad time for her to lose you!

Can you get someone else to drive you to/from work and maybe someone else handle the boiling liquids until this is under control?  I really don't want to see you have a serious accident, and it could not only involve you but someone else!  Maybe even a taxi to work?

 

[Patty65]

Thanks Kay, yes, my staff is taking hot things away from me and doing those things, having seen the condition of my arms and legs...  I am usually quite numb first thing in the morning, and ok to drive, but the evenings after long days are where things get strange.  What I've been doing is calling a friend (phone built into the car thingy) on my drive home. It backfired on me last night.  I called my (only) friend on the way home, needing to wish her a happy birthday, and I was so messed up I said everything but "happy birthday" on the message and now she's all mad and offended  Last night I somehow didn't sleep so the drive to work was not good.  If things get worse though I will ask one of my employees who lives near me to drive me - he doesn't have the same hours but I guess I could come in late rather than cause more damage.  Thanks for your suggestions!

[kayc]

This too will pass, but all precautions are needed right now while you wend your way through this.  I hope your friend gets over it, she needs to know your state of mind so she'll let you off the hook, you can't help this!

[mittam99]

Patty, when my Tammy died unexpectedly and suddenly last March, the world seemed to have changed completely. Everything seemed so surreal and different. People seemed more distant and cold. I couldn't shake the feeling that I just wanted this alternate universe I was now living in to stop. The world without Tammy in it was a very scary, very uncaring, very harsh, bleak reality. It became so awful and so unbearable that, one night, I felt like I simply couldn't take it anymore. If this was what life was going to be like, I didn't want to experience it. The thing was, I couldn't commit suicide. I simply am not capable of doing it. I never came up with a plan, That's not who I am. Kind of sucked at the time because that would have been an easy way out! Instead, I made some calls to a bunch of people to talk things out and posted my thoughts here at the forum. The fact is, I want to live. But life without Tammy is not a life with any measure of happiness even 14 plus months later.

Over time, the world seems somewhat less bleak. People seem less cold and distant. That's either me adapting to it or my outlook on life being a little more upbeat. I'm not sure. But I can tell you first hand, I've gone from the bottomless pit of grief to a place where I have some sense that life will slowly get better. It's an evolution that takes work and a ton of patience. I still have a long way to go to figure out what my ultimate goal is. Right now, at least I'm functioning in a somewhat "normal" way. Although nothing is normal about my life without Tammy.

I personally think that some of the things you describe, the accidents, the forgetfulness etc. is something all of us grieving have experienced. Our mind isn't as focused as it was. I mean, honestly, I think about Tammy pretty much 24/7. And I find myself leaving the stove on or the fridge open or misplacing things with alarming regularity. Patty, we simply aren't the same people anymore, especially when it comes to concentration. Sometimes we just need to do things slowly and as carefully as we possibly can.

I know what you mean when you call you and Ron the "two musketeers". Tammy and I were "two peas in a pod" and were an incredible team. It's so devastating to lose someone who made you better, made you whole. You're only 3 months in. At three months in, I was still finding my way in this grief journey. I was a basket case a good portion of the time. Just try to be gentle and patient with yourself and take it one day at a time. Simple advice, but honestly, that's all you can really do.

Hugs to you.

 

[KATPILOT]

Patty I can't say I felt the same sense of detachment as you though our situations were similar in that on a trip to visit Kathy's parents in Canada we thought we had the best chance of beating the cancer and were very optimistic when things went south and in two weeks time she went from the hospital up there by air ambulance to having the doctors here tell me she had but five days to live. She died next to me in the hospice home as I slept beside her. That very moment I lost all sense of order. I went into shock and yet had to go back to work. Did I #*@! up there? Yeah I did, big time. You seeing a therapist is an extremely positive and critical thing. It took me more than two months to get the help I so badly needed but refused to acknowledge.  I can tell you first hand that lack of sleep creates accidents. So does distraction and when you ad grief to the situation, you get into deep trouble. I almost cut my hand off with a table saw. Enough said.

You learn to let others help as you are now. It's okay to cut yourself a little slack and it is so important to take care of YOU. 

Hearing you talk about being at work early and sobbing till the others come in so brings me back to those days. I can tell you I know what that feels like. There is a "lonely" there no one can ever truly describe. Be safe in "The Night Kitchen". 

[Patty65]

Mitch,

Totally -- I swear my fridge is always a crack open, good thing I don't have hardly anything in there anymore!  It's a given among all my staff that I will lose everything I touch.  My cashier just left for a different job where she does not have to work evenings so she can be with her family more.  To lose someone who knew Ron has been so hard, and to train someone to understand all the "intricacies" of this place and their boss (me) seems impossible... because yes, there seems to be nothing normal about me these days.  At least the other woman knew I was once kind of normal.

Patty

[Patty65]

On 5/20/2016 at 4:35 AM, KATPILOT said:

That very moment I lost all sense of order. I went into shock and yet had to go back to work. Did I #*@! up there?

Hi Katpilot, Ron died in the middle of the afternoon with me two inches from his face, wondering if there was one more breath to come.. and there was, and there was, and then there wasn't.  Uggh.  I wish I could get it out of my head, and I don't want to lose it either.  How do you think you messed up, by going right back to work did you mean?  I think in our situation, we don't have a choice, losing more will only make it SO much worse for me, anyway.

Today I took my two giant cheesecakes out of the oven with no incident.  The other day, I spilled the boiling water bath everywhere and on me.  So, I guess that is progress, this time around anyway -- I will be careful in my Night Kitchen, tears and all.  Gosh it feels endless.  Did you talk about Kathy to your employees after?  I am constantly, and I know it makes them uncomfortable, but I don't care.  Ron bought a Wustoff knife that he had been eyeing for a year, and it arrived just before Christmas so he barely got to use it.  Everyone knows I'm the only one who can touch it. Today I told a new employee, OK here's the fly swatter, but ASK me for it and give it right back, it was Ron's. He had a war going with the flies that would show up in our kitchen and office. OK.  I'm a little crazy, yes.  Again, I don't care!!

Patty

[iPraiseHim]

Patty65, I struggled with sleep issues right after my wife died.  I was  only averaging two hours a sleep at night, and I didn't want to eat or take care of myself.  As a self-employed entrepreneur, I knew that getting such little sleep compounded the grief and my bodies ability to function.

I took the advice of the group here and went to my doctor to get some thing to calm my brain down so I could rest.  I don't like sleeping pills.  It really helped to restore a normal sleep pattern again.  Grief takes time to walk and work through. 

At a previous job, I was a manager and it was difficult to delegate work to others.  After I broke my arm, I was forced to delegate work to run the shift.  My humble suggestion is to delegate the work that has been hazardous to you.  You know what that is.  I believe your workers are there to help you as well as your business succeed. 

Please find ways to take care of yourself.  It was worth to care for your husband... It is also worth it to take care of you... even when you don't want to. ( I am speaking from experience)  I took care of my wife for six years before she died.  I am learning to take care of myself in a healthy way because if my wife could have, she would do the same for me. Praying for your healing and recovery.  Shalom - George

[Patty65]

I guess that's the hard part, George.  Caring about myself enough to take care of myself.  You're right, though -- Ron loved me SO much.  I could see it in his eyes, and sometimes, oftentimes, he went on and on about it.  And I believed him, and he made me feel worthwhile, after struggling with that for a good part of my life.  It's one of the most devastating things -- to find a love that was so transformative to who I was, to give, and to allow myself to need and receive... to take care of myself now even though he is gone because he would want me to, and would not want me to suffer, is hard to remember and hard to believe in.  Ew, I wonder if that sounds a bit pathetic.  But our love for each other, of my love for him, was like that too.  I guess we were from the Island of Misfit Toys.

[KATPILOT]

Patty I messed up not doing my job well due to lack of concentration and sleep. I had little choice but to try and keep the place going and make some kind of income so going back was simply required. How great it would have been to not be there. There were so many times I was forced to help customers while keeping the tears from showing. Somehow I got through it. Like I always say, time is your friend. As far as talking to the employees? We were a tight night outfit with only four of us. My youngest son and one other who has become a close friend over the years so we had no problem sharing our feelings and lucky for me, they understood and stepped up.

You know Patty, you knew Ron loved you SO much. I believe it. I also believe wherever he is, He still does.

[kayc]

Those early days, working was so hard, yet I had no choice, I had just me to rely on and no money.  Like Stephen says, we do somehow get through it.  My coworkers were wonderful, but our job ended (business went under) within months and I had to look for work.  It was terrifying, and to boot, I ended up with a horrid job with a horrid boss.  But somehow I survived even that...and a long commute.  We do what we have to do to get by.

I do think we have to learn to take care of ourselves in their place, in other words, if they were here, there's no doubt, they would take care of us, so we have to care like they would.