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Unsupportive Friends - What To Do


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On 10/26/2019 at 5:49 PM, Andycane said:

I think such selfishness is a sign of the degradation of our society.

It takes an effort to be a true friend, and it will always take an effort.

I agree. Human society, particularly in N. America, has taken quite the social and emotional nose-dive over the last few decades. And while there are also now growing numbers of people waking up to this reality and trying to inform and correct it (thank goodness), the longer someone has been alive, the more they've seen that degradation take place (assuming they're still of fairly sound mind). In too many people, "busyness" alone has drowned out the basic need for tending to what's really vital in life -- connection! And worse, very few were ever taught how to effectively create, maintain, or deepen connection, much less how to make lasting repairs when there's been a rift. People have also become so individually and collectively traumatized by our broken society and world, there's no resilience or perseverance left in them, either. And narcissistic traits have severely increased overall. Even worse....like it or not, we all pick up that lower energy from everyone and everything, therefore compounding it everywhere.   

It's absolutely true that friendships take effort and nurturing. But most folks won't make too much effort nowadays. If things get a little challenging for them they just throw in the towel and dump people (giving excuses or lies or just outright ignoring them), often dumping in exchange of what they believe are 'easier' friends...easier in the sense that they can get what THEY want from them, and to heck with the meaningful levels of connection. They're into unbalanced and one-sided friendships. And if you're a decent person, you end up blindsided, having thought you knew them, but suddenly there's a wide divide between their previous words and current actions, and trust is broken. And they do nothing to re-earn your trust.

I've been hurt too many times by people like this, and no longer consider anyone I know a real friend. When I've inquired into if anything is wrong, I just get what I  discover to be curt and lame excuses. Checklists I've seen describing "Fake Friends" have revealed that a majority of the described characteristics and selfish behaviours they display fit these supposed 'friends.' 

Lack of care, concern contact and connection IS intolerable, inexcusable, and can be highly damaging over time, particularly when it happens when you're at a vulnerable low point in life. For instance, I've had some of these 'friends' express shock and dismay at no family members helping me in my (now chronic, but "situational") depressive state, yet they didn't step up to help me either, and were utterly mind-blind as to how their own lack of sensitivity or action also impacted it. Yet when something emotionally damaging happened to them, they still didn't learn how to not do that to another. So they help spread trauma and grief everywhere.

I've now given up on making new friends. My only real friends are local cats I've helped. They don't ever forget me or my worth.

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@Maylissa

I was reading a post from many years ago...it was written by you, you've been around about as long as I have.  I have appreciated so many posts you have written, your expertise. 

I hope new friends come your way, unbidden, unsought after, yet recognizing your worth every bit as much as your cats do.

Right now Kitty is my only companion.  She's not Arlie, she can never take his place, he was unique, that is for sure, but I am thankful I have her.  I've had her with me many a year.  She's not what you'd call demonstrative with her loving, but every once in a while she surprises me with her loud purr (she sounds like a cement mixer).  :)  These precious animals are God's gift to us...the day He smiled on us.

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Kay, thank you muchly ❤️for your supportive appreciation and acknowledgement of what I've tried to bring to the table over the years, especially when you're grieving so hard right now yourself, over your precious Arlie. 💔 It's fulfilling for me whenever I can help someone else out, and you've done that continually here for a long time, too. I really love your wish for me - "ease" in finding such people would be a very welcome energy for a change! Funny, that...just yesterday, someone who classically disregards or even opposes most of what I say, actually reached out for my help with her dog, right out of the blue! Not that I want to just be used and discarded again, but it's a surprising shift nonetheless. So your hope may already be working for me on some level! 👍😊

These 4 current cat friends are not mine, but various neighbours' cats. Two of them have been living with precarious situations, one of which is more unknown than known, where I've been trying to discover if this girl really has a permanent home now, or not. The boy has twice been emotionally wrecked by his humans (now not as willing to accept affection & is less friendly towards other cats)...yet he always comes back to visit me after each upheaval to his home life. None of that helps my depression or health of course(!), but their treasured presence whenever they visit me certainly makes me feel more normal. I give them as much as I can, given my own challenges, and as much as they are able to accept...on their own terms, but always including me being open to expanding their worlds to include more of the "good," like creative playtime...which it seems I truly am expert at, haha, and most cats sure know it! 😁 So far, I'm still allowed to twice yearly visit 2 of my treasured friends from the past, ever since they moved across town 5 yrs ago. (I would have adopted those 2, and 2 others, from their respective 'owners' had I not been denied) Sadly, one of them has since changed her mind and truly wants to come back and live with me again (I had them for their last month here, but she had also chosen me several years before then), which totally breaks my heart, but even if I could, her step-bro would be devastated to be without her. (one should NEVER break up bonded animals if it can be helped)

So I'm very glad you and Kitty still have each other, as different as the relationship may be from yours and Arlie's. (if I saw rightly somewhere, Kitty's 21, isn't she?! 👏) I still maintain that could shift though, and she may want to become that much closer to you now. Even one of my MIL's rescue cats (also 20 or 21 they guesstimate) has become more affectionate lately, as each of their own lifetimes wind down, and my MIL is absolutely thrilled with this unexpected blessing...something she's been hoping for, for years! We both believe she knows her time is limited and so is giving her mom her heart's desire, before she goes. I'd dearly love you to be able to experience that kind of blessing too, if at all possible, since I can understand how terribly lonely (and much more) you must feel without Arlie, and since Kitty will be sensing your pain as well. Wouldn't that be so lovely for you both?!  

I've always said of our relationships with animals, that our own openness, curiosity and expectations/beliefs about them highly influences how they act around us....and it turns out, science is finally catching up and this is most likely a reflection of the law of quantum physics in action. 🙂 Just the act of observing or even thinking about something/one, influences the "observed"...as in that old adage, "to make a man, think him so." There have been many experiments so far that suggest this is how reality works. But being quite naive about cats when first I adopted my own 2 beloveds, I simply chose to be open to allowing them to teach me "what-all cats were about." And that, as they say, made all the difference in the world, and they blossomed into the most amazing beings I've ever personally known. After all these years of my furchildren sending me many other cats (none of whom were legally mine), still, no one can hold a candle to the near-purrfection that my own were for me. And I firmly believe, after all I've learned, that all 3 of us 'dreamed' our way into our existences on purpose, or in other words, we used that quantum "potentialization" to create our own little family. This all still takes my breath away. So everyone else is invariably "compared" to them and all fall short of the mark, but  I still stay open to others showing me their wondrous potentials, because you just never know...since all of life is, at core, nothing more or less than an infinite 'nothingness' of potential waiting to happen.

But geez, after reading my own words...you'd think that if I know of this, I wouldn't be able to feel so depressed! So there ya go -- I still need to do a LOT of work within myself. 🙄 

 

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Kitty is 25, I met her when she was ten and she came to live with me when she was 12.  She's not very demonstrative or affectionate but I think she cares more for me than she lets on.

My neighbor does cat rescue and has as many as 20+ cats living with her at any given time.  She traps, spays/neuters, and releases feral cats also.  She lives in a yurt but her cats have the mobile home next to her.

I am thinking I may have a very hard time getting another dog...if at all.  Arlie was so perfect for me.  He was quiet but "talked" (being half Husky), loving (Golden Retriever), goofy (Husky) and loved playing games, teasing, really had a great sense of humor, also was a great guard dog/protector.  He was such great company and was very good with Kitty, very gentle.  I taught him to "be careful of 'Little'" which could be a chicken, cat, small dog, and he never hurt anything.  He was a good mouse catcher though, funny, Kitty would hunt them outside, but Arlie would get them on command in the house and then "drop" them on command so I could toss them outside.  (Homeowner's insurance does not cover mouse damage like car insurance does.)  I don't know how I'll do Christmas this year, he used to always watch me putting up the tree and he seemed genuinely excited about it, he loved watching the lights.  I still have reminders all over the house of him, his bed, toys, coat, leash, his collar and muzzle, I know they'll never be used again but I can't let go of anything, then there's his giant doghouse and "Arlie's Fence", I'd still like to find someone who could make a sign that say's "Arlie's Fence" that I can put up on it in memory of him.  He's my boy, whether here or beyond, I love him.

Yeah, I think it's funny that science is catching up and saying what we've always already known from experience.

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WOW, Kay - 25!!! That's fantastic!! There aren't many that live that long anymore, whereas apparently lots lived to ~20 decades ago (before our world was so contaminated and adulterated, and they ate more natural foods). But sure, not all cats are the cuddly type, yet their eyes and other body language still tell you how they feel. And cats are certainly full of feelings. I'm sure she loves you though, and she must really enjoy her life if she's lived that long. (and I'll bet all that mouse catching and eating has helped her health!) And your story of what a great TEAM Arlie, you and Kitty made with the mousies made me smile SO widely! It also reminded me of my two. I had to enlist Sabin's aid in safely retrieving a couple of birdies Nissa had brought inside (she stopped catching them entirely after I'd talked to her about it 💖 but never had hurt any) and much later on, the odd mousie, so that, similarly, I could pick up Sabin with the critter still in his mouth, and pop them both outdoors at once. Ahhhh, the memories...

I so admire your neighbour (wish I had one like that) and I'm a firm believer in TNR...especially the less common but often actually do-able TNSocialize and keep or adopt out! The owner/founder of our local no-kill rescue has had ~40 cats in her care at any given time, plus several dogs, and built an escape-proof yard (also for bunnies, etc.) and an indoor/outdoor aviary, too. But most cats are in foster care these days prior to adoption. Of course, she had to have a special license as a registered charity to keep that many animals and birds at her home. Too many communities now in both the US and Canada have unreasonably low limits allowed on numbers of pets/household.

I know you'd love another doggie, but maybe it's just too early yet? After all, you've just begun the grief journey (again), and since your bond with Arlie was so deep, it may take longer than expected to begin to move forward. Arlie does sound like a really fabulous dog to have shared your life with, so your heart may not be that willing just yet to take that leap.

I don't think there's any reason to let go of Arlie's things if you don't want to. I still have all of my furkids' things, even including some of Nissa's meds, and their supplements (or just the empty bottles). It all helps me to remember all the nuances of our lives together, and I'll even take the bittersweet over forgetting any part of it. Perhaps you could consider getting a shadowbox to display some of Arlie's things? And if you're the creative type, spend some time this winter drawing up a meaningful design for Arlie's fence sign, &/or paint it directly on the fence after winter? Whatever it may be, as things were changed in our home and garden, I always imagined my furkids looking on, and I'd chat with them about how they liked it, and how their presence would improve whatever it was. It helped me feel closer to them at every point. 

The dreaded Christmas season can be however you want and need it to be. I know it can hurt terribly whether you put things up, or don't. I couldn't bring myself to put up our main tree for a few years after Nissa was gone, but I had serendipitously found a lovely set of 3 lit mini trees (at Michael's) that I gradually decorated with memorial ornaments (I used Personalization Mall memorial gifts for several; they do a great job!) and added 1 or 2 items each year until they were full enough. I also asked for specific ones as gifts each year. We also attended a human funeral home's Christmas Memorial Event a couple of times (balling my eyes out each time), where they gave out beautiful memorial glass angel ornaments at the end (and I asked for and got extras!), three of which became my tree toppers. I LOVE those memorial trees, and do a remembrance candle ceremony beside them each season by myself. There are other things as well, like ceramic angel cats and an RGB LED cat paw underneath, and life-size cat statues under and close to the main tree now, plus more recently (took me YEARS to find) a sleek, handmade, brushed aluminum "cat reaching for a star" tree topper for the main tree. All items were slowly and carefully accumulated over the years. There are also some nice photo frame ornaments out there now; still a not-done-yet project for all the other cat loves I've had. And since you probably have others around you who may visit and (even better) who also knew and loved Arlie, these things can provide a great opener to talking about your loved one/s, and maybe even for sharing some tears and receiving some well-needed hugs.

I hope these give you some ideas if you choose to do anything. But yes, I'm sure it will be very tough in any case. If nothing else, if Kitty still enjoys some play, you could shower her with some new toys, or other gifts, to create some comfort and joy for both of you. Or maybe use the art of trickery -- a cozy new cat bed she can't resist, that you could surreptitiously move over to, or next to, your lap once she's snoozing in it?  ;)  I have not been beneath employing such tricks for some lap-shy cats, and it has almost always softened them in short order into cozier companions. :) 

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18 hours ago, Maylissa said:

Too many communities now in both the US and Canada have unreasonably low limits allowed on numbers of pets/household.

We live in the country so there are no such regulations here.

18 hours ago, Maylissa said:

Arlie does sound like a really fabulous dog to have shared your life with, so your heart may not be that willing just yet to take that leap.

Quite honestly, I'm not sure I can do it again.  I have the treat container on my table, the waterbowl by the front door, the dogfood in it's container in the kitchen, the dogbrush on top of it, the basket of toys in the living room, the dog bed on the floor, the doghouse, pen, and fenced yard out front...all I'm missing is a dog, but no dog seems right, they aren't Arlie.  They aren't as beautiful, as smart, as understanding, as communicative, as full of personality, they lack his sense of humor, they don't know me as he studied me his lifetime...I don't know that I can do this again, especially with the bad experience I just had with the rescue.

Kitty has a lapblanket that is next to me on the couch and she knows that as her spot but she rarely sidles up snug to me although once in a while.

People don't come visit me, my son about once a year, so no one else sees if I have a tree or not.  A few years ago a friend commissioned someone to paint a ceramic heart shaped ornament for me with Arlie's face on it, I leave it up all year in my kitchen.  

Arlie's coat may hang on my chair the rest of my life, I can't see me parting with it.  I bought the biggest size I could get and custom altered it to fit him.  My big beautiful sweet boy.  He looked so regal in his purple coat.  The neighbors all loved to watch him/us walking by, him in his coat.  It did a great job of shielding him from rainstorms.  Usually you don't see big dogs in coats.  I did a lot of altering after this picture was taken to make it cover his neck but neglected to get a picture of him in it afterwards.

 

Arlie coat 121013 sm.jpg

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Kay, I know how impossible all this feels, and I don't blame you for being doubtful you could "do it again." I haven't. Getting to the point of acceptance about that decision is the hard part.

I figured it would take me about 10 years to feel ready to...well, ask my kids to reincarnate (part of my belief system) back to me. But life threw me devastatingly large curve balls before that point, so I never could bring myself to ask. And I still don't think I could ever bear to lose my beloved furchildren a second time anyway, as the pain was too unbearable for words. My furkids were the keenest, and most interested, witnesses to my life, too. Plus I've got no one to entrust anyone to, should something happen to me. So unless something drastically changes in the next short while before I get too old, or more ill, they were the Biggest Love Affair of My Life, and I'll probably only have memories until the day I go Home to join them. At least that's what I tell myself at the moment.  

I'm so sorry you don't really get any visitors, either (I mistakenly thought you had more family around, and a few nearby friends). I can relate on that count as well. And I, too, leave a few key pieces out all the time, too, on dedicated shelves in 2 rooms. Although I finally used a few of my kids' things for some of my cat friends, I mainly bought new things for them, and never used any that were my kids' favourites. Those will always remain theirs alone and they are all safely stored away, along with what I saved of Nissa's fur, and their few extracted teeth, and whiskers that had fallen out naturally. (learned my lesson on the fur when I realized I didn't have any of Sabin's, except for a tiny snippet I put in a locket)

Arlie DOES look so regal and majestic in his stylish purple coat! (and he's adorable, regardless) I would have been thrilled to see that myself, because you're right, it's mainly small dogs you see with protection from the weather!...which is rather odd a perspective, imo. 🤨 Why not make them all more comfortable and safe? There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping all of his things forevermore, and out in plain sight, if that's what brings you the most comfort. 

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I do have a lot of friends but they don't come to my home, we meet elsewhere, people think I "live so far away," not realizing it's the same distance for me to travel to them as it is for them to travel to me!  It's always been that way out here.  I am on friendly terms with all my neighbors but mostly see them on my walks.  They all miss Arlie.

I added a piece to the coat to cover his neck and made the coat smaller at the neck so it didn't slip down on him.  Plus I sewed it shut so all he had to do was put his head in and I'd velcro it shut at the tummy...it was too much fussing around with the buckles, etc., no dog wants to hold still for all that, this is much quicker.

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