I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

[I Don't Believe This]

I want to thank everyone in advance for reading this long and difficult tale. I don't even know If I will be able to finish this in a single post and the story may develop over a few days. I am changing names for the privacy of my girlfriend.

I met Bonnie just before the start of this year. Bonnie was, at that time an outgoing and beautiful woman. We are both relatively recently divorced. I am 45 with two sons (18/17). She is 35 with one son (5).

Needless to say we bonded rapidly, otherwise I wouldn't be here trying to find some reassurance. What is happening is so extreme I don't believe this but I am watching my girlfriends life unravel.

Our initial relationship was long distance, but I am fortunate enough to be successful, able to travel and I work where ever I can plug in my laptop and cell phone. So even though our residences were in different states, we were able to see each other on a very regular basis. At least every two weeks.

As is common with people working on their second marriage we both had learned from our mistakes and knew what we wanted in a partner. It allowed us to easily communicate our goals and dreams. We rather quickly discussed marriage and I decided that I would move to her town so that we could give our relationship a real shot.

Early in our relationship she explained that her ex husband has a terminal condition with about a year to go, and that she would need some help when he passed. She also explained that her dad has pancreatic cancer and was likely to pass within the year. So these were known variables.

On April 15th I arrived in her town for one last visit before my move and to sign a lease on a house I would occupy for the summer while we dated like normal people. (we were not moving in together). Three hours after I arrived, she gets a call that dad has fallen, is severely injured, and with cancer complications, the situation is grim. As soon as was feasible we were on the road to drive 1300 miles so she could be with Dad.

Dad passed away April 30th... I had to leave just before this to fly New York on business and then fly home to pack for my move date of May 6th. I moved to her town as scheduled. She held the service for her father on May 7th and returned to her town on May 9th. 

Let the healing begin - so we thought.

All of a sudden she is being barraged with death.

She returns to work to find that a friend and favorite client has passed away. She also finds that a second client is on her death bed with days remaining. Her ex husband has a variety of medical conditions and over the last two weeks has been in and out of the ER. And just prior to leaving her dad's hometown she learns that her grandmother is due to be terminal in a few months as well.

But this isn't all.

On Monday (May 16) my girlfriend's baby sister informs her that she has an inoperable terminal condition. (I don't know exactly what it is) This very nearly causes a nervous breakdown while we were having lunch on Thursday. This morning (may 21) looked like a good morning, my girlfriend brought her son over to play video games with me while she relaxed a little and three hours in she gets a call that her son's aunt (ex-husband's sister) has been hit a drunk driver and has 24 hours.

In a two week span she is losing friends, family and starting anticipation of her sister, and her grandmother, as well as continuing anticipation for the death of her son's father.

I have posted this under relationships because I am mostly seeking help on keeping us together. Which I know may be a doomed proposition. But I want to try.

Throughout this I am a mess. I have some challenges of my own. I was abandoned by my father before birth. My grandmother found him once when I was 5, introduced me to him and my only memory of him was this meeting where he told me to never bother him. My only knowledge of him is what is available at mugshots.com

My mother emotionally abandoned me when she fell in with step dad that abused and raped her in front me when I was 5. He was also abusive towards me.

So I have never been good at forming attachment. I don't open myself up to people and I never grieve they are lost because I am not attached. I find emotional connection extremely difficult.

As this situation has unfolded I am now flooded with severe anxiety stemming from feelings of abandonment. As should be expected intimacy has declined to zero. (I don't mean sex, I mean basic intimacy like hugs). I am a wreck. I have no experience with loss of this sort because I have never allowed myself to be loved or love someone like I do with my girlfriend. I have no basis to understand the loss of a relationship, let alone all the family members. Before this my family would comment that it was odd that I cry more for my dying dog than I do a dying family member.

I think we will get through this. She is struggling but I am doing what I can to support her. Right now it mostly consists of playing her son for 6 or 7 hours and feeding them lunch and dinner so that she can sleep on my couch.

But I can't hold it together completely. I am crumbling inside and she feels it and it makes her feel worse. I have tried to explain that all I need to hold it together is to find a tiny shred of connection, a hug or simple few moments of touch that helps me counter a crippling fear of the loss, but she has her own problems.

Our plan had been to move in together in approximately September. This is completely uncertain. 

I want to continue this plan so that I can turn all my energy into eliminating all sources of domestic stress from her life and taking care of her son, so that she can come home from work and sleep and heal. I can't fix her grief. I just want to provide her a clean stress free home with maximum opportunity to get through this. But I am not certain she can even continue at this point.

I know she needs space. I don't know if I can give it to her. She had agreed to trying to spend 15 minutes each day sitting with me on a couch with an arm around each other. No talking, no kissing just sitting in silence. It would give me the tiny amount of contact I need with as minimum effort possible. But I think today's event with her former sister in law is going to end this plan.

I am lost and don't know what to do.

[kayc]

Wow.  She has so much on her plate it's overwhelming.  You are both truly wonderful people, I can feel it.  I seriously urge you to seek help from a therapist because your background will need dealt with to give you the best chance possible with your girlfriend.  I hope the two of you make it.  She is not pushing you away, is she?  It's not uncommon under the circumstances, but everyone grieves differently.  It will be really important for you to respect her wishes and give her space if she asks for it.  To do any less could doom your relationship, which may or may not make it anyway with all of this loss to deal with.  It is hard to live with death, but that's where she finds herself at every turn.  I hope she will keep you in her life, you can be a real help to her son...one thing you did not mention is where YOUR kids are in all of this?  Even as teenagers, they still need you, perhaps more than ever.  They will get busy with their lives and friends but don't ever think they can do without you.  I know you had to when you were young, but that is not ideal or without consequence.

Because you are lost and don't know what to do, please, please get professional help, that's what they're there for and most of us need it at some time or another.  I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation.

[MartyT]

I agree completely with the wise advice Kay has offered to you, my friend. This is way, way too much for you to bear all by yourself. Clearly you are giving your all to this situation ~ which keeps getting worse despite your very best efforts ~ and I cannot imagine how helpless you must feel in the face of it. You seem like a good and decent man, and I hope you will give yourself at least as much compassion and understanding as you're willing to give to your lady. She is not capable of being emotionally available to you right now, and you need and deserve the sort of face-to-face, in-person support you will find inside a therapeutic relationship with a qualified counselor or therapist.

[I Don't Believe This]

I apologize in advance for spelling and grammar. Doing all this on a cell phone.

My sons are ok. They are in Arizona 1500 miles away and are not seeing everything that is occurring.

I have a long history with children. I have always been one who plays with and teaches children things. Starting at age 16 I was teaching children martial arts and coaching children at various summer camps. I am also a certified tutor in science and math and I am very patient with kids. (part of an early job in my life)

I collect toys and games and have extensive piles of entertaining things to do with kids. My house in Arizona, where my sons are living, is the community play house. Throughout my son's childhoods it was not and still not uncommon to have 6 to 8 additional kids in my home.

My sons have not met my girlfriend yet. Originally she had planned to meet me in Arizona to move with me, meet my sons but circumstances altered those plans. I had a plan to bring one or both here for the summer but I don't know what is going to happen after July 1st and may not do this.

My sons knew that my ex-wife and I were never really happy. Early last year when I told them that we were finish a divorce process that started five years ago, their words were, "It's about f***ing time." 

They know that my girlfriend made me happy and I know that regardless of the distance between them and I now, that an example of a truly happy relationship is a gift for them as much as it is for me.

I am accepting of what my childhood was. Bonnie once asked me if I would go back and change anything and my completely honest answer is no. My childhood was difficult but it made me self-assured and independent (to a fault). By the time I was 11 years old I had my own rifle and could live independently by hunting and fishing in the mountains of Oregon. I would disappear for days at a time as a preteen and my family sometimes wouldn't notice.

When I met Bonnie, I wanted to be completely open with someone. So I let her in all the way. The anxiety I am feeling now is totally new because I have never felt so dependent on another.

Bonnie is not actively pushing me away. She has mentioned that she is trying very hard not to. But she is drifting away. She cycles through positive and negative comments about us. At one moment she may say something like, "You don't deserve all the s*** my life is going to put you through" then at another, "You are the kernel of sweet corn that is the s*** that is my life."

[kayc]

I still think a counselor could be of help.  The both of you are going through so much...

I really wish you a good outcome, it sounds you are deserving of it, both of you.

[I Don't Believe This]

I do not disagree with you. My girlfriend is seeing a professional grief counselor. Due to some external unrelated circumstances this option is not available to me at this time.

I know that the best way I can support her is by supporting her son. She hurts a lot because she has to "Pretend to be happy" for him. Being very experienced with children I can give him a safe place to play and talk while his mommy rests.

When I observe her interactions with him I can see her stress increasing. He is a typical 5 yo with ADHD. I have ADHD, my kids both have it. I understand his behavior quite well. He engages her with the typical ADHD power struggles and with the losses it is even more challenging for her. She does take him to family counseling.

[I Don't Believe This]

One thing that has me struggling is sheer lonliness. I am in a new town. I have no friends here. I have no family here. I left my dog with my sons because the temporary rental I am occupying won't allow him.

Part of the move in plan was to get settled and then I could return for my dog and some belongings I didn't want to pack on the initial move.

I knew the grief from her dad would impact our plans. But my girlfriend is strong and has survived worse. But the barrage of additional loss has turned plans upsidedown.

So I am living in a small town - alone. In a mountain vacation rental with little to distract me - no television, no internet (doing all this by cell phone). I can only call and bother friends with this so much before they start getting annoyed. 

Today was another funeral for my girlfriend. The funeral was at a place several hours away. She went alone because she needed a day alone and a solo drive would be good.

I sat in my house. Did some dishes and laundry but that only consumed an hour of my day. I walked around the town some. It is small enough to walk across in a single hour. I walked for three.

The town population is outwardly friendly but clickish and distrustful of new people. I won't have any meaningful contact with people today. Next weekend will likely be the same. My girlfriend will be flying to the funeral of her ex-sister-in-law hit by the driver yesterday. 

[kayc]

Will your sons be moving with you?  So you're in a temporary place and will be looking for a more permanent place to house you all?  I imagine you're lonely w/o your GF, your sons, your dog, and even her son.  I know how cliquish small towns can be, I live in the mountains out in the country and the nearest town is very small.  They consider me one of them because I've been here for so long now.

Can you work if you don't have internet for your laptop?

I'm sorry your GF is going to yet another funeral today, this has to be so hard for her.

[I Don't Believe This]

My older son (18) wants to move here, Montana if I hadn't mentioned previously, and do some work in the parks (yellowstone/glacier) and explore for a year before choosing a college. I was going to buy him a ticket this Wednesday but with all the uncertainty I am holding off on those plans.

My younger son (17) wants to finish high school with his friends and is staying with mom. Afterwards we will play it by ear.

They are both very mature and independent children. I made it a point to raise them with some measure of the independence I had, but without all the abandonment and abuse. They are in regular contact with me on skype wherever I go.

This was always supposed to be a temporary place while my girlfriend and I consolidate plans and integrate her son into the idea of mommy having a boyfriend, and soon to be new husband. Of course that is all up in the air.

I do most of my work offline and take a daily hike to a local library to upload. I can answer email by phone. I work in venture capital and have plenty of time and freedom to do as I please.

I am struggling to not bring up logistics because I don't want to pressure her, but I have my current home until July 1st. That means next week I need to start considering my July options with or without her participation. Unfortunately it will create more complications.

[I Don't Believe This]

By the way,

In some ways I am using this site to vent a little so I don't vent at her.

[ChinUp54]

Venting here is highly recommended. There are wise and compassionate people here to help and listen.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  My BF was supposed to move to my state last year, but after his mother passed I knew it wasn't going to happen. He just wasn't the same man after she passed.  I hope you are able to work this out with your GF. I would hate to have another relationship end because of grief.  Hugs.

[I Don't Believe This]

I mentioned above that we had made an agreement for her to meet at my house every work day for a little after work.

This afternoon was good. We cuddled for 15 minutes and told stories about our kids. The goal is to just keep finding tiny ways to connect.

My girlfriends voice still lacks emotion. I can tell she is still in shock and that there is some survivors guilt. After all the losses happening now and coming soon she and her mother and her son, will be the only ones left in her family.

[kayc]

Sorry for being so nosy, I'm always thinking of kids first, just the mom in me I guess.  Of course you've made good decisions and raised them great!  It's got to feel really hard right now, I don't even know a word for it, with everything up in the air, feeling pressure but not knowing how to proceed, what a place to be!  

Montana is where my son always wanted to live (we're in Oregon).  

I'm not surprised at your GF's lack of emotion, she's got to feel numb with all that keeps coming at her!  I don't even know how she's getting through this.  You're right not to pressure her.  Just your being there, in the background, so to speak, has got to be reassuring, even if she can't interact right now.

I, too, am really rooting for you and hoping for a good outcome for the two of you.  I know if you go back home you'll possibly feel like you gave up on the relationship and didn't see if it had a chance, but if you stay there it might be for nothing...god what a decision!  I just know you are doing your best and whatever you do, try not to look back, go with whatever decision you make.  It's all any of us could do.

Your GF is in my prayers as she is going through these losses, the grief, the funerals, the adjustments.  It's hard enough having to deal with one loss, I can't even count all of hers.

[I Don't Believe This]

I noticed I hadn't said thanks to everyone who reads and comments so here it is.

Thank You!

As far as nosy, I don't mind. I have few things I wouldn't answer and in any event it is a bit distracting.

I am trying hard not to pressure her. We had a minor disagreement that I had to point out and said I wouldn't bring up again. I am extremely frustrated.

It was mentioned above that her ex-husband is terminal with 12 months to go. He is also a passive aggressive, jealous pain in the ass. During the divorce he talked her into agreeing with some very egregious custody terms under the guise of, "This is best for the kid". For example: She was allowed to date but only under the condition that she keep anyone she is dating a secret from her son for six months. No contact with a new boyfriend what-so-ever.

As someone who has been through a divorce and seen a number of custody issues amongst my friends this is completely out of line. (thankfully my ex and I are on friendly terms and our kids mature enough to make thier own decisions)

It is impossible for a single mother to have any sort of social life and keep it completely secret from an almost 6yo kid for six months. It is a ridiculous expectation and she realized it a couple months into dating me. I would agree that she shouldn't bring men home for sleepovers with the son in the house until certain relationship milestones are met but the current standard is stupid and impossible. (EDIT: "No Sleepovers" is something we have willingly decided to do of our own accord. We feel it is within the spirit but not the letter of the agreement.)

However, this has given her ex an ability to passively try and control her social life which continues now. Another term is her son cannot be left alone with anyone her ex does not know - not so unreasonable until you factor in that her ex refuses to meet and anyone. As her only babysitter he sometimes refuses to babysit and give her time alone.

So like me she is an out of state transplant into a small town. No additional family to rely on. She has one very busy friend here. She is here because the state of Montana offered her a very lucrative state job.

Yesterday I offered to her to make whatever effort her ex-husband required so I can extend an olive branch and have him allow me to be a resource for her to rely on with her son. I asked her to ask her ex, "what is best for her son. A happy, healthy and healing mother or one getting no relief." I wanted to be able to take her son for an afternoon so she could relax knowing he is with someone who will attend to him and play.

She simply stated this impossible because her ex is already angry that her son even knows of my existence and he refuses to give any sort of leeway even if it really is better for both her and her son. She gets relief, her son gets some attention from someone who is not as affected by the grief.

Since her ex is the only baby sitter she has. He picks his son from school and takes him home until she arrives. Her ex is inconsiderate, leaves trash all over her house. I have text message from her about how she gets hom and has an hour of work to do to clean up after him. As well as feed her son, bathe her son and so on.

My girlfriend's ex-husband doesn't really know how to relate to children. He is a passive aggressive man-child and my girlfriend describes his relationship with his son as "Lord of the Flies". My girlfriend has to twist her ex's arm into doing anything with her son other than sitting her son in front of a TV while the ex watches youtube. My girlfriends son has made many comments about how Daddy never does anything with him. Even refusing to go fishing father's day last year resulting in her son asking my girlfriend if "Daddy really loves him?"

Since he knows he is going to pass soon, he doesn't care about anything or really anyone other than himself. Not a big change from how he was before but it is worse now. 

He waffles between being a present but low value influence on her son's life to wondering if he should leave so his son doesn't see him die. In the mean time he wont entertain any idea that can provide his son some more stability.

Oh yeah - all this from the man who demanded an abortion when she was pregnant, but my girlfriend refused.

Edited May 24, 2016 by I Don't Believe This
grammar and clarifying tweak

[I Don't Believe This]

For further clarification I am just frustrated and venting. Our disagreement consisted of..

Me: I have an offer for you.

Girlfriend: What is it?

Me: I want to do what it takes to get your ex to allow me to babysit your son.

Girlfriend: That wont happen.

Me: Really? I want to be able to give you the chance to get some actual alone time.

Girlfriend: No it won't happen he won't let it.

Me: Me ask him which is better for his son, A happy, healthy and healing mommy or one who is stressed and has no relief.

Girlfriend: No it wont happen.

Me: Ok, I won't mention it again but the offer stands if you can get him to be reasonable.

that was all. Everything else above is what I want to say.

[kayc]

Vent away, I understand your position.  Is there any way she can take this back to court to get the agreement changed.  I'm sure she didn't understand the full ramifications of it when she signed it.  She knows him best and he probably has learned to intimidate/manipulate her into subservience.  I'm glad you don't have 12 more years to deal with him but sorry he is dying, what a hard situation!

[I Don't Believe This]

Other than making that offer to do my part in trying to find a more cooperative resolution to a very difficult situation, I have not spoken with my girlfriend about the dynamic between her and her ex since before her dad was injured. At that time she acknowledged that she could and needed to.

At this time I am not going to suggest anything of the sort because I think it would just be added stress on top of everything else.

He knew he had his illness for quite some time. Did not reveal it to her until half way through the divorce (just over 14 mo's ago) and now she feels really guilty. She filed for divorce because she could no longer take that he just didn't give a damn about her.

So now she fully supports him financially while he lives out his final months. She has a very good job, its not too hard on her money wise.

The thing that is irritating to me she told me a story.

Before the divorce he knew he was sick. He tried to talk her into not divorcing but he would let her date outside the marriage.

She said no.

The divorce went through and she started non seriously meeting people - no intimacy - before the divorce was final. As far as she has described her ex did not put up any resistance at this time.

I surmise that he thought it would be difficult for her to find someone that met her match, so to speak, in the middle of nowhere Montana. Which she has said was difficult and did not date anyone more than twice.

Then we met through common interests over the internet, shared information and started talking. When we started getting serious and I expressed a desire to move here, he started making more troublesome comments. Thats when my girlfriend began saying things like, "My ex really hates you!"

I understand the thought process in his mind and he is probably going through some loss over this as well The legal hooks in the situation are making it hard in the wake of all the additional grief. I want to find a compromise but it cannot be discussed.

[kayc]

I understand.  It's funny how some people don't realize what they had until they've lost it, and even then still haven't a clue.  

Try to keep it in perspective, anything worth having is worth waiting for, and a year in the big picture is small, although at the time can loom very long.  Your time will come.

[I Don't Believe This]

Things seem marginally better today. She is maintaining small talk via text. However, she has admitted that she is not able to sleep at night. 

Illness is setting in too. It seems to me, as an observer, that built up stress is impacting her immune system. She has been vomiting and unable to keep food down - on top of the not sleeping. 

[kayc]

I hope she goes to the doctor and tells him about all of the loss, lack of sleep, stress, etc. It's not surprising!  Elsewhere on this site there was talk about how grief affects us physically.

[I Don't Believe This]

She is caught in a spiral.

She needs rest. But her son demands time and she is not getting rest. I try and occupy the child while she gets a little rest but ex-husband is uncooperative. 

If she want's to get his cooperation its more stress. 

I am hoping for a weekend where she doesn't get more bad news. Thus far there hasn't been a weekend without a new death since April 15th. One weekend might just start the process for her. 

[kayc]

Is she seeing a therapist?  Not a grief counselor but a therapist?  She's given this man way too much control over her, she needs to figure out why and how to proceed so she can have a happy normal life, something that probably seems far removed from her.  I realize this probably isn't the time to tackle it, but maybe when these losses slow down and she has time to breathe...

[I Don't Believe This]

I do not know if she is seeing a therapist. I must also be clear that I do not speak to my girlfriends ex directly. Everything I know is heresay through her. However what she says comes into direct conflict with thoughts and feelings about fathers stemming from my own childhood.

I do not know exactly how I managed to over come my own upbringing. Maybe it is because I am highly intelligent, maybe its because I was forced to become extremely self-reliant at a young age and have an equally strong determination,or maybe it is just the amount of raw loathing I have for my own father and step-father. In any case I made a decision that I would never make thier mistakes or be like them. When I see crappy behaviors like this it leaves me strongly irritated.

There is a quote I do not know where to attribute.

"Every asshole is a nice guy when he isn't being an asshole."

I am sure at some point when she was young and in love there were things she saw in him.

For her part she is caring and compassionate and I do think that this is part of the problem. She is so openly caring of people she doesn't or isn't able to let go of that caring easily. His illness has her conflicted and she doesn't want to seem uncaring. This is indeed what drew me to her. What made me willing to risk myself in a way I had never done before.

It is the one way we are nearly opposite. She loves and cares easily. I am very selective and reserved. She feels grief and loss. I never really have until I felt her drifting away.

I don't want her to come out of this feeling like she cannot be compassionate with her ex-husband's situation, but even she admits that he is making it harder.

[kayc]

I only say that (about the therapist) because I came out of a long marriage to a controller and I know the importance of setting boundaries, etc. and I had to get my own sessions to learn so I wouldn't get into those situations again.

[I Don't Believe This]

I think right now she is just waiting for him to die. It is easier to let him die than deal with conflict. Before all this started she was pushing back against him more, but now its just too much energy.

She doesn't hate him. I think she feels more than a little guilty. Her son is going to lose his dad and I am sure she isn't really prepared for how it will impact his life. She had asked me months ago for help when her ex does pass.