I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

[ChinUp54]

I haven't commented recently but have been watching this unfold for you.  My heart goes out to you both during this most difficult time.  What I've learned for myself is that we have no idea what our grieving partner is feeling or going through if they don't share it, and it's such a fine line between our concern for them and having them feel pressured by us asking.  Frankly, often times I don't think they know what they're feeling except that they're hurting.  With your GF, I can't even imagine her hurt with the amount of loss she's experienced in such a short time.  I hope you are able to work this out and wish you all the best.

 

[kayc]

Marty put into words what I wanted to say and did not know how to express.  I really wish you the best and hope everything works out for the two of you.  I, too, think she's a very lucky lady to have you by her side.  I hope this is the end of bad things happening for her and nothing new arises, she's had enough for one life.

[I Don't Believe This]

The main thing that is driving my move back to Arizona is she feels guilty that I am here alone. We are still talking, just not as much. She still gives me the short morning call on her way to work. And she still occasionally texts me throughout the day.

I am trying to initiate conversation much less. But I still have the opening for light conversation. I texted her a picture of my exhausted son yesterday after he and I made it up the most challenging trail on the nearby mountain. (1100 feet vertical rise up a 30% grade. It is almost like climbing the stairs of a 110 floor building)

I am going to give her some flowers for her desk at work today. (live orchids, her favorite)

I am confident she will make it through the other side of this. I know her grandma is fading fast. She has suffered several strokes in the last year and has full blown dementia. Her passing is expected soon and while it will be a blessing to ease her grandma's misery it won't be easy for my girlfriend. After this though she should have a break before there is more.

[kayc]

I hope a year or so from now she is once again talking to you about your moving there to be with her.  You're in my heartfelt prayers, dear friend.

[I Don't Believe This]

My flowers we well received. I don't think it will take a year. She needs stability for her son before his father passed. We had a good set of plans to provide that stability for him, but the additional grief of losing sisters, grandmothers, aunts and friends has taken its toll.

She feels lost. I know that right she simply cannot see the path forward and her entire life is uncertainty and anxiety.

My plans always seem to be in flux. I am now traveling to the state of Oregon for most of the month of July to close a business negotiation. I will only be a 10 hour drive from her if she ends up needing me.

[kayc]

Welcome to Oregon then.  Portland?

[I Don't Believe This]

I will be moving around between Corvallis, Dallas, Salem and Portland.

[kayc]

Very familiar tromping grounds.   Good luck with your business.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I certainly wish you all the best.

Soulmates are worth waiting for.  Real love is worth waiting for and it is worth the hard work keeping it all together.  I hope to follow your story to the part where you are a happy blended family.

Bless you for all your goodness.

Marita

[I Don't Believe This]

Thank you, everyone.

I agree that real love is worth the wait and the work. I wouldn't be here otherwise.

We now both believe that we are each other's soulmate Both of us are skeptical science types and before we met each other, we didn't believe in the concept. Not any more.

The ease with which we integrated our lives was astounding to us both. We don't ever fight. Disagreements are minimal and usually a misunderstanding of language we use describe something. 

We have the same interests, hobbies, goals, values, beliefs, taste in food, and these similarities are not merely superficial. 

Within a week of knowing each other we determined we could order each other food off a menu and choose correctly. We could look at a political, social or other public situation and ask the other, "What do you think I would do to solve problem XYZ" and invariably we could predict 8 to 10 bullet points regarding the other's views.

It was very strange how we came to be. It was almost as if we both opened our eyes at the same time and realized that the other was there.

[I Don't Believe This]

New problem I am trying to figure out. 

My girlfriend seems to now be taking death personally. As if she is the center of a Maelstrom of bad luck that is killing people off.

Apparently, yesterday the dad of a friend of hers had a sudden heart attack at work and passed away. He is an acquaintance, she had met him at a dinner or two and thought he was a nice man.

Of course I would expect her to have some feelings in this situation and wish to console her friend, but it appears that she is feeling that this man's death is somehow her fault for being present in this man's life.

She has even mentioned to me that I should run away from her before I drop dead too.

I know what is causing this. I know she has a lot of fear and anxiety related to loss. She is having nightmares about losing her son. She is having nightmares about the upcoming loss of her sister and her mom (who is not ill but my girlfriend knows that eventually she will pass - everyone does.)

My girlfriend is beginning to sever ties with everyone and it is not healthy. She is beginning to cling to her son in an unhealthy manner. She is going to therapy twice a week but tells me it does nothing for her and she mostly goes to make her mother happy.

I need to find some way to help her through this. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm glad you can get some relief posting here.  It is a great way to sort through your thoughts.  

I wish I could offer you and your girlfriend some help.  It is horribly sad that she is thinking she is responsible for all the death.  

All of the previous deaths are compounding her grief and she has more expected deaths to endure in the near future.  It must be hard to even get out of bed.  I think you are doing everything you can to help support and comfort her and her son.  I admire your integrity.

Marita

[MartyT]

It's just a thought, but I wonder if your lady's therapist is a specialist in grief. Not all therapists are. See, for example, Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? (including the articles listed at the base). See also Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You.

Clearly your girlfriend's grief is complicated by the multitude of deaths she has endured in such a short span of time, as well as those yet to come, and I hope that the therapist she's seeing is knowledgeable about grief and its effects on a person. It is perfectly legitimate for your girlfriend to ask her therapist about her qualifications in that regard, if she is willing to do so. And since she's telling you that "it does nothing" for her, maybe it's time to find another therapist or counselor.

[I Don't Believe This]

Thanks Marty, I will pass that advice along. Unfortunately I think the problem lies more in the fact that my girlfriend is a bit cynical and skeptical of therapy to begin with. I have heard her flat out say that she doesn't believe in its efficacy. 

I have a work history where I have helped women who have been assaulted find empowerment again. I am not a therapist of any sort but I have practiced martial arts my entire life. Not just the punch, kick and block variety you find on most schools that target kids and people who don't know any better. (Incidentally, these places are frequently found in the same strip malls as Chuck e Cheese pizza places and I condescendingly call them Chuck e Cheese Karate) 

Rather I have practiced more fundamental forms of martial arts deeply rooted with philosophical teaching. I worked on finding the will inside to overcome anxiety and fear. I think that she may benefit from a bit of philosophy. 

She is meeting me tonight to speak about this. I am working on an outline of the work I have done in this area and I am going to offer to her to start down this path. I do hope she accepts.

[I Don't Believe This]

It has been a few days and I thought I would update this chronicle.

So our meeting to talk on last Saturday fell through. She had made plans to do something special for her son and ex-husband for what is likely to be his last Father's Day weekend before he passes. Her ex made the event unbearable and frustrating which also rubbed off onto her son's mood. By the time we were supposed to talk she had no more energy.

Work has been hard but successful and distracting for both of us. However, tomorrow is her son's 6th birthday and my girlfriend's mom is in town to visit.

Sunday we are all going to have a big family day out on the trails. Me,  her, my son, her son, her mom and a young adopted sister that is also visiting.

I am very happy about this. I have not had the opportunity to met my girlfriend's mom yet. The closest we got was when I was in California helping my girlfriend cope with her dad's final days. Since her mom and dad were divorced and I things may have been awkward she did not want to introduce me at that time.

I think this is the most positive thing I have seen from my girlfriend. She was almost a little bubbly on the phone today. I also think it points to her wanting to try and get through this with our relationship intact.

[MartyT]

I hope this works out for you, my friend. We are pulling for both of you.

[kayc]

I am so glad, I hope you all have a wonderful day today!  Six years old should be a magical time and I hope he starts his sixth year off with a great day today!  As Marty said, we're all pulling for you!

[I Don't Believe This]

Updates are going to be farther apart in the coming weeks. I leave Montana tomorrow. Over the next ten weeks I have packed my schedule with business in Washington, Oregon, California, Florida, Pennsylvania, New York, DC, Maryland, Virginia, Missouri, Texas, and then back to Arizona for a couple weeks.

In addition if my girlfriend accepts I will make sure I am present in Montana for her birthday in about six weeks.

It will be a long haul but I will be busy and it will help me give her a little space. We have not broken up but she feels guilty that I am in Montana alone. The work will also be a finance boon because I will be living 100% on corporate expense for 10 weeks.

I remain acutely aware that she still might break up with me but I am holding out hope.

She told me that this weekend she is going to sort her dad's belongings. I know it will be hard for her. I intend not to contact her on those days unless she reaches out first.

[ChinUp54]

It sounds like you're going to be really busy and that is always good for me, so I hope it works well for you. Plus it gives her space as you said, but also gives her time to miss you too.  Safe travels and best of luck!

[kayc]

Wishing you the best!  I hope it goes well with your business and also with her.

[I Don't Believe This]

I need actual advice and in a relatively timely manner. I had been planning to announce aa birthday surprise for my girlfriend. Something I have been working on for months (before all of the losses) and I know it would have been something she would have looked forward to before the loss of her father.

But somthing else happened last night which has made everything even more unbelievable that I really have no words for it.

Text message exchange.

(As always, Names Changed)

GF: Bob shot himself yesterday morning.

(Bob is her dad's best friend and someone who helped us out while we were dealing with her dad's decline in April.)

ME: I am sorry! I am here for you even if you only want to vent over the phone.

GF: He missed my dad and has not been doing well.

(GF and Bob have been talking regularly)

GF: Bob was the tether that kept me rooted to my dad. The only person left that had stories to tell me.

GF: I feel like I am losing my dad all over again.

I say a few more reassuring words and she stops responding for the evening. Which I understand and is OK.

This morning she calls for our usual morning commute conversation. She is not doing well as to be expected. I am leaving town tonight. She is taking me to the airport and checking to see is she can make time for lunch.

And so here is my dilemma. It has two parts.

I had not yet met her dad when all of this started. Her dad lived 1500 miles away and timing being what it was it never happened. I was supposed to meet him at my my girlfriend's baby sister's wedding but that got messed up by all the chaos and now baby sister has terminal cancer too.

Before his fall and all this loss my girlfriend and I were planning marriage and children. When her dad fell and was declining I saw the writing on the wall. 

Something that has always bothered me as a father of my two sons is I never had any information about their grandfather. My mother and I were abandoned by my own dad before I was born and never knew him.

In April I was looking forward, indeed I still have hope for our future. I saw what was happening and I didn't want to have a future child where I would have no knowledge of two grandfathers.

So while my girlfriend spent her time caring for her dad at the hospital and in hospice. I cleaned and organized his house and records for her. I also made it a point to learn and memorize as much as I could about her father.

I burned copies of his entire music collection and have it in a folder. I learned about work, talked to his friends and neighbors. And even though I never met him personally I developed a very good understanding of the person he was.

I have not told my girlfriend that I did this. The time never seemed right.

In addition, I have been planning a birthday event for her for months. I have a lot of interesting contacts due to my job and one contact is in turbine engine control. A person I have worked with for a number of years.

My friend is developing the controls for a turbine engine driven supercar that is going to attempt to break the 500mph land speed record at Bonneville Salt flats the week of my girlfriend's birthday.

Both my girlfriend and her father are gear heads and into fast cars and motorcycles. Her dad was a driver in motorcycle races and would have loved to be here for this.

I knew all this before his fall and have been arranging for all of us to attend the event and give her an opportunity to get up close and personal with 5500 units of turbine horsepower. I was going to invite her dad as well.

These plans started in March. I was going to reveal the surprise to her today before I left.

I am torn. I don't have stories to tell about her dad but I want her to know how much I familiarized myself with him and why. I also want to tell her about the surprise so she can plan a few days, but I don't know if she would enjoy it without her dad. I never had an intention to spring it on her at the last minute because some planing for time off work was needed but I have been holding back on this surprise for a while.

Part of me thinks of it as a thing to do that could be a reminder of who he was but at the same time the reminder could be too painful. Especially after Bob shooting himself yesterday. 

In regards to learning about her father I don't know if she would be happy or upset. Did I somehow intrude on her memories of him trying to understand who he was? I know he and I are similar men. Both men of science and engineering. My girlfriend gets her intelligence for math and finance from her father and even from his photos I can see some resemblance to myself. I worry that part of her desire to pull away from me is that I remind her of him.

I am asking the wonderful people of this forum how much should I tell her about my knowledge of her father? Also do you think it is still a good birthday surprise to try and attend.

[I Don't Believe This]

I need to add she does know that I sorted her father's records. She asked me to. She was so busy with him she had no one to go through files and determine his financial status and gather legal information for last minute set up a trust just in case she needed to care for him. 

So I know everything about her dad's life from legal and financial perspective. To get the information I needed to find I had to go through his divorce record between him and her mother, bank statements and other deeply personal records. My girlfriend is OK with all that. The stuff I haven't told her is much more emotional. I have an electronic copy if her dad's music collection that I could upload to her car or phone. I have knowledge of who he was beyond the legal records.

[kayc]

Under the circumstances and not knowing your GF except what you've told us, I think rather than surprise her, I'd talk to her about your plans and go with what SHE wants.  Let her know you'll be glad to go through with it or call it off depending on what she wants.  You might also let her know that you tried to familiarize yourself with her dad as best as you could, esp. since if you have children together someday, he is their grandfather.

Good luck.  You never know how someone who is grieving will react, and all the more so since she is getting hit from all sides.

[ChinUp54]

I agree with Kayc.  I wouldn't surprise her with anything right now, but present it to her and let her decide whether she wants to go.  As for sharing what you learned about her dad, I would be very careful with that as well.  An opportunity will present itself for you to let her know how you learned so many interesting things about her dad while doing what SHE asked you to do.  Until then I would tread very lightly since she is in such a difficult place at the moment.  I would encourage her to tell you about her dad, her favorite memories, etc. and if there is something you can share then, that's when I would do it. It's such a fine line you're walking at the moment. In my opinion, now is the time to listen to her first and share what you will when you feel the moment is right. Good luck my friend.  You're doing an amazing job supporting her and like we've all said before she's lucky to have you. 

[I Don't Believe This]

If I didn't make it clear the surprise for her birthday is seven weeks away. I was going to tell her today so she could have some time to plan a three day trip from Montana to Utah.