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I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!


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I am so, so sorry.  She will likely have regrets at some point, at which time you will have already healed and changed and moved on.  I think the torment of this kind of loss is much like a slow painful death, very hard to go through.

I hope nothing but the best for you in your future, you're a wonderful person.  I know you can't see it right now (future) but it will be.

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Thank you, everyone. I agree that real love is worth the wait and the work. I wouldn't be here otherwise. We now both believe that we are each other's soulmate Both of us are skeptical scien

We have a house guest.  My sons found a stray kitten. Based on its size it is between three and six months old. We brought it into our house while we try and identify the owners. We can't leave it

Going through forum history I realize that most under this forum have lost thier love. I have felt the pain as she pulled away. For those following this story are some things I am doing. Since ev

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This is very sad news and my heart aches for you. I wish this made sense but its baffling why they pull away from the intimate relationship. Hugging the dog is a great plan and will be good for you both. My pet companions have seen me through this. Wishing you the best. 

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I've been told they don't have it in them to do a relationship AND grieve.  

And I feel the same about my pets, they're amazing!

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You sound just like my husband, Such a strong caring person I want to thank you on behalf of 'Bonnie' for being such a rock for her at this incredibly difficult time. You sound like an Earth angel and it is rare to come across such wonderful people with hearts as large as the ocean, cradling her with your love while she rides the crashes of the waves and sits within the eye of the storm, take care and remember you need some rest too. Again Thankyou for supporting her and I suppose at difficult times such as these there is no such thing as 'time' be gentle with one another. Love to you all 

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I too am so very sorry for how your heart has been broken.  

It is very sad for her and you and your children.  You did everything anyone could do to love and care for her and her son.  There really was nothing you could do that would have prevented this end.  For whatever reason she just wasn't able to accept what you had to offer and that is about her and not you.

I hope you will not stay away from here for long.  This loss of relationship, although not through her actual death, is a traumatic and painful time for you and I truly hope you will not be blaming yourself for any of it.  We are her to offer our support and to hear what you need to say.

Big hugs to you.

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7 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

You did everything anyone could do to love and care for her and her son.  There really was nothing you could do that would have prevented this end.  For whatever reason she just wasn't able to accept what you had to offer and that is about her and not you.

This is so true, I was about to write it myself!  Sometimes there is no fail proof strategy to save a relationship, particularly one involved in grief.  We can be as understanding and tuned in to their needs and still lose them.  I would hope it would change but I also know it's important for you not to be in limbo, but to focus on YOU and not left hanging in hope.  Take a day at a time!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Today is her birthday. I sent her flowers and a birthday cake - her favorite cake from her favorite bakery. 

We are not entirely no contact but contact is down to one or two texts every 2 or 3 days. But there are two exceptions. 

Last Thursday she called unexpectedly. Her job sent her on a long drive and while she was returning home in the evening she reached out to me. We spoke for about an hour. 

She revealed that her medications are really messing her up. Prozac, Valium and one other, she has developed so much apathy that even as her blood drops towards dangerously low levels (40 and lower) she is reluctant to get up off the couch and get some juice.

I have determined that I can no longer ascertain where she begins and her medication ends. I am worried for her and I know she needs someone to be there if only to watch for trouble but she refuses assistance even from family. It leaves her six year old son with the responsibility to recognize when she is danger and help her. 

Our second exception was on my end. One of my dogs was attacked and injured a couple nights ago. I spent most of Monday night and all day Tuesday getting her some surgery. She will live but has a lot of recovery. My girlfriend and I texted and spoke over the phone about the dog. 

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I Don't Believe This~

It's good to see you back here and I'm so sorry you've had so much difficulty lately. How is your pup doing?  I'm wishing her a speedy recovery.

My heart goes out to her six year old.  This situation is tough on all of you, but kids resilient as they are never forget this type of situation and it can affect the rest of his life.  I don't understand the stubbornness about assistance, but my guess is the drugs are playing their part in that as well.  I hope the treatment program you've spoken of will help her get all of this under control.  Luckily kids are also forgiving and another guess is that they will get through this and be stronger for it.  It's still so challenging and heartbreaking.

How are you? Still taking are of yourself?

 

 

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I am so sorry about your dog!  I hope he has a fully and speedy recovery!  What kind of dog do you have, if you don't mind my asking?

I was sure my Kitty was at death's door yesterday (old age, she's 20) and she's not out of the woods, but slightly better today, still, I'm worried.  Then my dog showed up with a hole in his side, no idea how/what, it's not big but it looks oozy but not infected.  No vet here until next Wednesday and not sure she could do anything in this makeshift vet office but I have to travel to Eugene to the dentist tomorrow...three teeth suddenly bothering me and it will likely be 106 tomorrow, it was 101 here today and not going to get below 80 until late tonight.  I gave my dog a bath and laid fresh cedar in his pen.  He's very huge and scared/anxious at vets and normally I have help with him but right now I do not.  Vets aren't always good with him, you'd think they'd know animals better but they just like the small easy ones.  And there's a nearby fire, everything is so dry.  This is not a good week.

It seems that's putting an awful lot on a little boy...has anyone instructed him about calling 911 if anything ever happens?  Maybe she should wear a medic alert so he could press the button if she becomes out of it, that might be the easiest and fastest way to get help.  I wish her doctor were managing her care better!  Those are heavy duty medications!

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This is Rosie. She has a terrible bit wound across her back but she is doing very well. She has surgery today to remove the shunts . There are several punctures in her skin left open to facilitate drainage. The skin under the entire shaved area was pulled up from the subcutaneous layer. The incision to repair muscle damage and clean out the wound pocket is about six inches long. She has the staples removed in 10 days.

The flowers and cake I sent were received and appreciated. 

I really don't know the status of anything that is going on relative to her health and her son. I do know he recognizes when she needs assistance and helps her. He sleeps with her every night so that if she goes into an overnight seizure he can wake up and bring her sugar. 

I just feel that it should be an adult responsible for tending to her - regardless of who that adult is - rather than her six year old son. 

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OMG, your poor dog!  I hope she has an amazing recovery with no lasting effects.  It must be so hard to watch her suffering.

I'm glad the cake and flowers were accepted & appreciated!

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We have a house guest. 

My sons found a stray kitten. Based on its size it is between three and six months old. We brought it into our house while we try and identify the owners. We can't leave it outside because where we live packs of coyotes hunt for cats. 

Like all kittens it runs and plays. My cat is three but has had some fun playing with it.

My kids were being nostalgic for bugs bunny and abominable snowman and we have started calling the kitten George....

As in - My very own kitty cat - I shall name him George and I will love him and squeeze him and hold him and feed him. :)

Picture of George taken for our found kitten poster

 

IMG_20160824_154419706[1].jpg

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They do tend to pick their owners/homes.  I had a cat named George, had him before I met husband George.  We redubbed (the cat) King George, which seemed more fitting for him anyway.  He lived to be 19 and died a year after my husband.

I hope you have as much enjoyment with your George as I did with mine!

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  • 1 month later...

*Update*

I have been living out of a backpack and suitcase for almost six months now. Even when I was at "Home" it is technically my ex-wife's home where my kids live. I just own the house. I was in and out of there for a couple weeks on business and I need to not be there when my ex-wife's mom moves in with her for the winter.

So I am on my way back to Montana. I have other friends up there in the science community who arranged a nice little house where I can bring my dogs and I can spend the winter snowed in focusing on work. My sons will come visit for the holidays.

I leave Thursday night with a truckload of stuff.

I am not re-engaging in a relationship with the girlfriend. Though she/we still periodically text. About once per week. I will be in the same general geographic area but making it a point to avoid her. Mostly for her.

She knows I will be there. I announced it out of courtesy for her. I didn't want to accidentally bump into her in a grocery store or something and have it turn weird. 

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I'm sorry for how things turned out but it sounds like you're doing the best you can.  I'm glad your boys will be coming for the holidays, it'll give you something to look forward to.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have a painful meeting with the ex-girlfriend today. I was feeling down and frustrated and made a demand that she meet and give me the courtesy of a face to face ending - closure. It isn't going to be pretty. I also demanded that she pay me back money she owes me. I am actually asking for far less than what she should return but she is the one who wants things to be over. I just want a clean slate so I don't have to think about her anymore.

I don't want the door to close forever, but I don't think she feels the same way. 

I don't even know if she is actually going to show up. We agreed to meet today - last Thursday. I went dark and didn't contact her again until this morning when I texted for confirmation of time and place. I have not heard a reply. 

I will probably post the outcome of the discussion later. If she shows up.

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I agree with Marty's response.  You have been so wonderful, going above and beyond, someone should only be so LUCKY to have someone in their life like you, even once!  I do hope for a civil outcome where both of you can go away feeling good about the other and take with it the positive aspects of the relationship and memories.  How sad.  I also feel for her little boy that developed attachment to you and through no fault of his own, will be missing you.

My heart goes out to you..,.wishing you the very best now and going forward.

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One day she will wake up and realize that she messed up big time.  I'm sorry that her life is so messed up and I hope that she will find some peace at some time.  Everyone deserves to have a good life.

Great people like you don't come along everyday and I wish you all the best.  Life is too short and it's important to enjoy as much of it as you can.  It is too bad that things didn't work out the way you hoped and I'm sure that the moving on will not be 100% pain free.  Take care of yourself and your family.

Marita

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

I'm so sorry, my friend. You've tried so hard to preserve this relationship, against so many odds that are stacked against you ~ and most of which had nothing to do with you. I wish only peace and healing for your broken heart . . . :(

I agree with you Marty.

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Maybe she will wake up and realize...maybe she won't.  What's good is that it no longer matters to you...the beginning of the healing process.  You will go on to live your life in a positive way and not let this bring you down unduly.  I am proud of the person you are and will continue to be.  That is what is essential in not letting them (those who let us down in a big way) have power over us.

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Thank you for the comments. 

Quite frankly I am already over it. I have a switch in my brain that once a certain point is passed that I can shut off the feelings. 

What I learned yesterday is that behaviors I was attributing to stress and grief were actually controlling and emotionally abusive. In addition it played well against my own abandonment anxieties I mentioned in the very beginning of this conversation.

It became clear yesterday that there was no appreciation for anything I have done to try and help and support. Her behavior was completely self-centered and selfish without any consideration for the impact to me. And her actions yesterday let me know that rather than being brought down by grief - which is what I thought - the struggles she is facing have revealed the true person behind what she pretended to be before the death's in her family.

I am happy and have moved on already.

She may regret it someday, but I am the one with the control over second chances now. I would have to decide to give her another chance and I already know that I won't. 

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I Don't Believe This,

Perhaps what you shared with me yesterday is one of the positives that allows you your shut-off switch.  I see that ability to focus really coming out in you, which can be a good thing.  I also see your doing your best in whatever you're involved with, whether work or relationship or whatever you set out to do, and that is also a good thing.  But you are also a clear thinker and see everything for what it is and know when to call a halt to something.  You have definitely gone above and beyond what most people would have...the good part to that is when you walk away you can do so knowing you gave it your best and not second guessing yourself as to what could have been or what if I'd done this or that differently.

I, too, know of my past relationships that when someone has shown themselves to be of "less than" character, I would not want a second go at it with them.

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