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Morning panic/anxiety - from the moment you wake up


Finch

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I know there have been a few topics about anxiety. But do any of you suffer from very pronounced panic attacks and/or anxiety specifically from the moment you wake up?

I wake up almost every morning with this deep and powerful sense of dread rushing through me, reminding myself afresh of my grief and loss, end of the world type feelings - 'I can't do this' etc, and this is accompanied by intense anxiety and panic. Everything is amplified..

As I get out of bed and start the day, these feelings slowly subside, but while they last, they feel unbearable.

As I write this I am still feeling it and I'm scared that this is how I will now feel every morning for the rest of my life. 

 

 

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Mine is in the middle of the night.  It makes it hard to get back to sleep, most of the time I can't.  I'm on medication for anxiety, and it helps but I still experience it, just now it's more livable...or it would be if I could sleep.

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I think it is only human nature that when we're in pain (especially the emotional and physical pain that comes with grief) we tend to fear that we will always feel as bad as we feel right now, and we worry that it will never end. (See, for example, what Sheryl Sandberg had to say about permanence"the third “P” is permanence, the sense that any hardship will last forever, and that sadness multiplies into itself. We often project our current feelings out indefinitely—and experience what I think of as the second derivative of those feelings. We feel anxious—and then we feel anxious that we’re anxious. We feel sad—and then we feel sad that we’re sad. Instead, we should accept our feelings—but recognize that they will not last forever." ) 

I'm wondering, Finch, if it might help to share with your doctor this information about the early-morning panic attacks you're having. I recall your saying you've been taking an antidepressant, but given the symptoms you describe, maybe an anti-anxiety agent is indicated. This is well worth discussing with your physician as well as your therapist.

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Anxiety in Grief

This is one I think all of us have gone through. I remember those early days when I thought I’d never stop shaking. It took me awhile but with reading about what is normal in grief the shaking slowed down and things became better. I found that sitting quietly and focusing on breathing helped me. I also found that using guided meditation helped because someone else was directing me and with practice I was able to calm down. 

Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

Meditation:Helpful to Those Who Grieve - written by a member MFH (Mary Friedel-Hunt, MA, LCSW

Coping with Anxiety in Grief by Marty Tousley
 

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Marty, thanks. I did tell my doctor about the morning panic attacks. The first set of anti-depressants she prescribed did actually have a positive effect on them.. mornings became a bit calmer - however I stopped taking them due to many bad side effects. The new ones I am on apparently don't start to kick in until the 4 week mark. I started them last week. I'm hoping that when they do, mornings will get easier again. It just feels like, at the moment, that they won't. The other ones had some sedative properties that these ones don't.... maybe it was the sedative properties that were the calming influence. I am also taking some diazepam specifically to take the edge off anxiety during the day, but it's a very small dosage. I could ask about increasing it. I feel like I do need to seek the medical option here.

kayc, sorry to hear that. I have occasionally woken up in the middle of the night with a panic, usually after an intense nightmare.

enna, thanks alot for those links, I will give them a look. I have tried breathing and meditation but so far I can't focus enough to control it. As soon as I wake, I feel like I am going to die.

 

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I don't get panic attacks like I used to but still have the anxiety, still not as bad as it used to be before I got on medicine, I'm on a pretty tame Rx, low dose.

I'm glad you're getting help from it, sometimes it doesn't take the full four weeks to make a difference, sometimes it does.  Hang in there!

About the meditation, try starting with short ones, five or ten minutes tops, I know some people do an hour, it's been a long time since I have. :)

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Thanks kayc.

 

I will hang in there. It feels like it's getting worse before it gets better but I have read that this is sometimes the case.

I have an app on my phone that does 10 minute meditations, called 'Headspace'. I've been trying that.

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It's hard.  Your situation is further complicated because you weren't out in the open about your relationship with everyone so a lot of people may not realize you're grieving or because you didn't marry they may not realize the depth of it.  They don't realize that a piece of paper does not determine the quality of relationship, the connection and interaction does.  You will get through this, but this whole grief process is neither quick nor easy.  It's been almost eleven years for me since I lost my husband and he's still on my mind all of the time.  I was just telling a new friend about him the other day and I teared up.  She said, "I have never had love like that."  She's been married three times and is currently living with someone.  That's sad but all too common.  I guess we were the lucky ones, even if it does mean pain now.

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Thank you kayc. Yes... I feel like the complications over losing Crystal have made everything far worse, have amplified the anxiety by an order of magnitude. And the sudden-ness with which it happened, and my inability to be there when it did. No goodbye. And all the guilt and regret I have. I have so many unresolved things going on in my head. I lost the love of my life and I sometimes feel like my grief isn't worth anything because noone in her life knows about it. I feel totally lost. It's never-ending.

I still haven't been in touch with her father. I think that might help me, to reconnect with her life and maybe get some answers to some questions I have. If he is receptive. I'm just waiting for the right time, I want to give him space and also don't want to do it when I am at a low point in case I say more than I should.

Some people at my place of work know I've been through a bereavement, but not details. 

 

 

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I think you said your family knows, I can't remember for sure.  It helps to have a couple of people close to you that you can talk to.  

Many of us didn't get to say goodbye, myself included, so even if you're married and living together, sometimes death comes unawares and hospitals don't let you be alone together.  It is hard having something unresolved that you have to live with but it can be done, many of us here are living proof of it.  I wrote letters to my husband after he died, it helps to get it out, plus who knows, maybe he can see them, there's a lot we don't know about afterlife, we know they continue to live, just w/o their body, but they still exist.  I talk to him too.  I think a lot of us do.

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Yes, (most of) my family knows, and my friends. And my grief counselor. So I do have people I can talk to. And here. I should be grateful that I can talk openly about it in that way. And I am.

I am so sorry you didn't get to say goodbye as well, in those circumstances, and anyone else in a similar situation that is reading this.

Seeing that you and the other people in this place are finding a way forward, even years on, and even despite the struggles you have faced and the unresolved things you have to live with, gives me cause for hope. 

I am just struggling to grasp onto that hope at the moment, the anxiety has taken me over from top to bottom. I'm feeling panic as I type this. It feels too much to physically take, even moments where I feel like I am going to die from it.

I am speaking with my doctor later today, hopefully she can advise me about some more anti-anxiety medication.

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So been there!  Let us know what solutions your doctor comes up with, I hope she gives you something that helps.

It took me time in my life to learn to accept something unresolved...like in a break up that you never were given reason for yet you have to accept.  It's harder with unresolved issues, but it can be done.  Some things we have no control over, and one of those things is death and the other is someone else's decisions and lack of disclosure.  Yet we can and do have to accept them and go on living.  Tough but doable!

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Thank you kayc.

 

So, an update. My Doctor told me to double my dosage of diazepam to combat the anxiety.

I tried this and it calmed me for a bit... but the anxiety returned shortly later and maintained for most of the day.

She also increased my dosage of anti-depressant (Sertraline). Maybe this will kick in sooner.

Also scheduled an appointment to see her next week.

 

I realise it takes time, and that it has taken you years of hard work to get where you are, and it's only been 4 months for me. I just... right now I don't know if I am a strong enough person to handle how bad this feels. Or it feels like I am not strong enough. Like it is inevitable that it will defeat me. You say it's tough but doable... and I do believe that, logically, in my brain. But my heart doesn't feel it. It's so exhausting fighting it and it feels neverending. And now I don't even know if I am referring to the anxiety or the depression or the guilt or the regrets or the loneliness or the grief or just everything in total. It's hard to delineate them at times. Like fighting several battles at once, but they are also all the same battle.

I should stay focused on the anxiety as that's what this topic is about. One thing at a time, Finch.

Another bad panic attack this morning on waking. I do wake suddenly. Maybe I need to find a way to wake less suddenly, to make waking up less jarring. Maybe this will translate to less panic.

Crystal would hate to see me like this and I don't want to let her down. 

 

 

 

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7 hours ago, Finch said:

And now I don't even know if I am referring to the anxiety or the depression or the guilt or the regrets or the loneliness or the grief or just everything in total.

When you write it out like that you can see how much you're dealing with all at once, is it no wonder you're feeling like you are?!  It may take time for the effects of the increased dosages to kick in.  

I can't tell you the anxiety I've suffered during the worst times of my life (death of husband, divorce from another), nor how I lived through it.  One day at a time.  Positive self-talk does help.  When going through a horrible divorce (kids' dad) in a small tongue-wagging town, I could write a book about that one, being ostracized by my church and all my friends ditching me at once, single parenting, horrid stress at work, it was a very, very hard time.  I remember looking in the mirror every morning and telling myself out loud:  "It won't be like this forever."  When I married the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend, George, I thought we would grow old together, but the week he turned 51 he had a sudden heart attack and died.  It sent me into a tailspin!  I do know that the previous things I'd gone through and survived in my life helped me in the sense that I did what I'd always known to do, put one foot in front of another and keep going.  But sometimes you can't see a step in front of you, and it's very hard to keep going.  One day at a time helped me.  Trying not to focus on the rest of my life, I couldn't handle taking on thinking about the next forty years alone.  Now I realize I will live alone the rest of my life.  The death of my husband brought with it the death of all of our dreams and plans.  I live in abject poverty, so that's an added burden I hadn't had before his death.  Because of medical conditions I can't do everything around here that needs done and can't afford to hire it all done, so I prioritize and try to hang in there.  I do what I can for myself.

You said "one thing at a time" and that's sound advice.  Sometimes we feel overwhelmed and that brings on anxiety.

If you have a way to get out in nature and walk, that has always helped me de-stress and bring back perspective.

Remember, she is not gone completely, she just changed form, there will be a tomorrow, it's just really hard in the meantime.

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I've struggled with anxiety all my life but was able to get it under control naturally except in certain panic situations, which became rare. This past week, the numbness from my mom passing has faded and my anxiety has definitely returned. It's constant now from a low level "hum" to downright panic I couldn't leave my house. The small things are now causing major panic when they wouldn't phase me weeks ago. I can't sleep now without Xanax and now I'm only able to sleep the time Xanax is in my system and I wake back up 2 hours later from nightmares and/or panic and have to take more. I think it's very understandable after loss and many experience anxiety for the first time, or being amplified if you already struggle. I'm changing meds up personally after seeing my dr this week to work on reducing my baseline anxiety. I haven't read through comments, but do you try or know of relaxation techniques, scents, or sounds you could try?

 

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There's a section for meditation elsewhere on this site, I hope you'll check it out.

Scents for anxiety:

http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2014/02/25/aromatherapy-9-best-essential-oils-for-anxiety-and-stress/

Sounds...I've always liked listening to the ocean, you can buy CDs with it on there.  Soft music works too, but I especially like listening to the waves, it has a calming affect on me.

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I had an awful panic attack this morning as soon as I woke up. The first thought that entered my head was I remembered that Crystal was gone. I kept asking Crystal over and over to tell me everything was going to be ok. Hyperventilating, heart racing, grabbing at the sheets, tears streaming down my face. 

It kept going even after I got out of bed and during my shower. And afterwards.

I think part of the problem is the feeling of helplessness, that nothing in my mind can logically conclude my panic with a satisfactory resolution - the only satisfactory resolution being to somehow bring her back to me, but I know I can't, so I feel trapped with no way out. 

I will try the positive self-talk.I find it hard to see the step in front of me sometimes. And in the middle of the attack, it just feels so overwhelming.

And thinking about it one day at a time is hard too, because it feels like this is everything that I am. That now I am defined by this and will be forever. It's a horrifying thought. Ha... I guess that's actually the opposite of thinking one day at a time.

I look in the mirror and just see fear and no hope.

Meditation may be the long term answer. 

T2Logan, I get the low level hum that lasts much of the day. I feel it right now. Also like a lead weight in the stomach. Have not tried the scent/sounds approach. I am willing to try

kayc, I am not surprised you are so familiar with anxiety given everything you have been through. I'm glad that you personally find walking in nature to reduce your stress and give you perspective. It used to be one of my very favourite things to do and since I lost Crystal I have done very little of it. I am scared to be alone with my thoughts because of how sad and dark they can get. However I took your advice and went for a walk this morning. And yes, it was tough. I cried. And I did alot of talking to Crystal. Maybe I think though, that it was a little cathartic. I'm glad I did it. I saw some sheep. She adored sheep. I would send her pictures of sheep all the time, especially on my nature walks. She didn't see many sheep in Georgia. 

 

 

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Try to throw the word forever out of your vocabulary, it's way too much to tackle.  Besides, none of us knows how long our life will be and when we will be rejoined with them.  I had general anxiety disorder even as a child, but the panic attacks came later when I was going through hard things. It's been a long time since I've had a panic attack now, but I still suffer anxiety, esp. in the middle of the night.  A lot of times uncertainty or things beyond my control bring it on, but I'm trying to learn to let go of what I cannot change (Serenity Prayer).  That's a good one for me.

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I will try. Forever does feel pretty damn insurmountable.

 

A therapist of mine a long time ago wrote down the Serenity Prayer for me on a piece of paper. I have it in a drawer. Although I do not really pray, I do appreciate its meaning. I wish I could harness it more.

 

 

 

 

 

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Finch, readings your posts, and hearing your struggles with anxiety please know this is very common in grief.  When your beloved dies, it feels like the rug ( i.e. stable foundation) has been stripped away.  What I am learning is that feelings are just that FEELINGS.  They are not necessarily FACTS. They can point us to what  we need to learn.  I have learned to not deny these feelings, bury them or avoid them.  I can not predict the future, but I can focus on NOW.  I take life one day at a time, and sometimes, one moment at a time.

KayC's suggestion of slowing down your breathing and meditation are good.  we all need to find our way through the grief we experience when our partner dies.  Mine died suddenly and put me in such shock.  It took a long time to face the reality of her death.  I'm still dealing with it 469 days later.  I can only face it, one moment at a time.  Some days are better than others.  Find the support you need, write, journal, take care of your health, breathe, grieve, live.  Everyone in this group, empathize with you.  You are not alone.  Keep sharing and believing you will get through this because you will.  Shalom - George

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To me the Serenity Prayer is something to aspire to, something to try to live like, not that any of us have accomplished it perfectly, but it's kind of a reminder to me of the helps available.  A person needn't be a pray-er or believer to aspire to the Serenity Prayer, it has, after all, been used at AA meetings for years by people who do or don't believe in God. :)

 

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  • 5 weeks later...

One thing that works for me sometimes is ASMR videos.  You can look them up on youtube.  It is short for Automatic sensory meridian response, in other words, that tingly feeling you get sometimes when listening to soft sounds.  I have some favorites," gentlewhispering", "cutebunny992" are my top 2 right now.  I know it sounds unusual but it really helps me relax at times and a lot of people who comment on youtube feel the same.  It is very meditative.

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