Full on Anxiety and shaking - where I'm at now

[barb8571]

This is my first post and I just wanted to share my experience so far. My mom passed on Jan 15, 2016 and I am an only child with no husband or kids. My Dad passed 3 years ago, so feel very alone and like an orphan. Mom and I were best friends and partners - two peas in a pod.  We talked for 2 hours on the phone everyday.  I was actually quite calm for about 6 weeks afterwards. Survival.  Then the anxiety started to happen in March.  It was just emotional at first, but then it got physical. It's like being stuck in fight or flight, with constant racing heart, shaking all the time, and nervous system on overdrive. ALL the TIME. I would get an hour or so of feeling calmer just before bed.  Mornings were the worst...always woke up shaking and freaked out.  I started seeing a grief counselor as well as a specialized kinesiologist and have found some small measure of relief in time. I learned that its the inner child that is so afraid and freaked out. The inner child, or that young part of ourselves, no longer feels safe in the world and feels unsupported and scared and isolated and disconnected. That part is the part that needs to slowly learn how to trust again - to trust that we can make it on our own without our parent. Our adult selves know perfectly well that we can, but its not the adult that's panicing. It's the young scared child part that's running the show. My grief counselor said that many many people experience grief as anxiety or panic, so this is normal! I go inside and talk to my inner child every single day and tell her that she is ok, and that I am here to love her and protect her and that I will never leave her.  visualizations. Through experimentation I found that when I spent time with my beloved Aunty that I would start to calm down a bit. It showed me that connection was a big key for me....and that this grief and anxiety had a huge component of loneliness and isolation and feeling unsupported.  If I spend time with people I didn't feel completely safe with, it got worse.   At this point, 4 months later, its finally starting to feel a bit better.  I'm no longer shaking all the time, just when the fear gets intense or I get over-stimulated.  Its just adrenalin, but its still a very scary symptom which makes us feel more fearful. My heart still goes fast a lot, and there are palpitations sometimes too.  It's all heartbreak stuff  'Ive learned, and this is normal. The fear and feelings of loneliness and isolation are still very real, but I do know what the fear is about. I still get scared that this fear will never go away, and that I'll be stuck in this hell forever, but I know that's not true.  Its just time.  And finding a new normal. I don't have a best friend to lean on - my mom was my best friend. i don't actually have many friends because I was such a loner and mom and I did everything together, which is what is making this even lonelier. I do feel alone in this, which is why i love reading other people's experiences on this site.   I also found that my lower back became extremely sore and tight so I can;t even do my walking anymore.  Lower back is all about emotional support, so it stands to reason it would react. I don't do well with drugs so I take Valerian which helps a little bit, and I take half of a Gravol pill before night to help me sleep.  It works quite well actually.   I also wanted to say that Specialized Kinesiology is very helpful.  Some call it Psych K. Its when they balance the hemispheres of the brain and do brain body integration and it helps to keep things more balanced. Lots of naturopaths do it, or anybody who does energy medicine tends to do it  Just thought I'd mention it as i know it has helped me.  Because this is such a physical experience for me I'm not able or ready to join any groups or meet new friends. That will come in time as I get more physically stable. I can now spend time with my aunty and my cousin though and I seem to do ok.  This is pretty good, cause a month ago I could barely even leave the apt!  So, there is hope.  And it will continue to get better. i just wanted to share my story in case any one else had constant intense anxiety. i love to read other;s experiences of how they coped and how they came back to feeling joy again. 

[kayc]

Oh boy do I know about the anxiety!  I'm glad it's improving for you.  It's hard losing the person that you were closest to, with me it was my husband, but I've since lost my mom as well.  I appreciate your sharing your story and hope you can explore this site and do some reading as well.

[barb8571]

Hi Kayc.  I'd love to hear more about your anxiety and how you got through it.  I checked to see your posts but there are a lot of them.  :-)   Could you link me to some of your earlier posts where you talked about your anxiety experiences?

[Finch]

Hi barb,

The constant heart racing, shaking, mind racing, nervous system on overdrive, feeling scared and isolated - I do get that at the moment.

During the attacks, I relive the loss and can't find a way to resolve it in my head, because I know the person I lost is not coming back, so there is no logical solution to resolve the panicking. And this in turn makes the panic and anxiety worse.

The severity of the anxiety varies but there is always a constant undercurrent of it.

It has been 4 months for me.

Incidentally I have also had some lower back pain in these last few months, sporadically, like you. Probably coincidence.

Thanks for sharing your story, it helped me to read your experience. I hope you find some support here on this forum. You should not feel alone in this.

 

 

 

[kayc]

I have no idea where or if I have anxiety posts but you can do a search at the top of the page for anxiety and you'll probably find a bunch because it's common in grief.  I've been on medication for it for several years and I think I've always had GAD, even as a child, but didn't get help for it for years.  I've experienced full fledged anxiety attacks, which are different from GAD, but I have that too.  I still struggle with it in the middle of the night sometimes.  If I wake up in the middle of the night my mind keeps going and I worry about things that may not even happen but has a degree of reality to it and it blows up...it's anxiety.  I usually can't get back to sleep.  I try and if it doesn't happen, I get up for a while and try to get my mind off whatever it's on, then I might try again.  I've used soothing CDs, meditation, prayer, you name it.  It will probably always be with me, it seems to be hereditary because most of my family are quite anxious.  It can display in worry, overreactions, panic attacks, insomnia.  When I feel sleep deprived I'll take a sleeping pill so I can get a good night's sleep...unfortunately it doesn't give me eight hours but if I get six I'm happy.

My anxiety was escalated when my husband died or going through the end of a marriage (I've been married several times).  

One of the things that has helped me the most, and I learned it on this site, was learning to live in the present.  It helps me to focus on what is rather than what isn't...to try not to live in the past or in the future, but enjoy what is.  That takes my mind off of the unknown or loss and brings it back into what good there is.