Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[Heatherw]

I was thinking it was just me or maybe that I was being selfish. Through this entire experience I've been humbled at the love I have received from everyone in my life. People I haven't seen or thought of have just shown up to be there for me. And I feel bad because I'm just empty inside. 
 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch, George & Stephen...

Am so grateful to have you wonderful men amongst the posters here.  Kind of gives everything so many different perspectives.

I can relate to the things that Marg posted.  Sex was not really an aspect in our marriage.  Mark had some issues and he felt he was failing me because he couldn't be intimate.  I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not care.  I told him I was satisfied with all the affection he bestowed on me, and it was really kind of nice and simple.  It took me quite a while to reassure him, but I kept at it,  I wanted him to understand that the love I felt for him and for us was on a level that took care of everything.  Like I said in my first post here...the one thing, the first thing I really liked about him was he was a gentleman...not just someone looking to score.  I told him that I never felt I was sacrificing anything...and Marg is right.  HUGS were the BEST.

[mittam99]

Maryann, so true what you said earlier about joy.

Sure, we all have fleeting moments of enjoyment and some smiles from time to time. Maybe even a sense of accomplishment here and there. Those feelings and moments are short lived, though. The reality is, we are living in a world we never wanted and we're in a world of deep pain. And unfortunately, there is no known "cure".

Joy... true unadulterated joy, honestly, is something I can't imagine in this new life. Tammy = joy for me. May as well remove the word joy from the "Grieving Soul Mate Dictionary". 

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Heather,

Please let all those wonderful people in your life shower you with all the love possible.  This is time when you are in the deepest need of receiving.  There will come a time when you won't feel so empty, and in fact will find yourself giving help and hope to someone else in need. 

[mittam99]

Maryann, you type quicker than me! Such a perfect answer. Too bad I can't give you two "likes".

Heather, you are so blessed to be surrounded with all that love. One other REALLY important thing. You aren't being selfish in any way. This is the one time in your life you have to do things 100% for you and your own emotional sanity so to speak. 

[Margm]

Mitch, George, Steve, Brad, and somewhere Kevin is circling, and Bill is part of us now too, and have I left off a male person from our forum?  We sign in with so many different names, I only recently discovered Steve was the "pilot" person.

Addendum:  Thanks Mitch.  Please let me know of any others I have left off.  

[Froggie4635]

Mitch,

I let my fingers fly when my thoughts are clear...it is in the "fog" that I really pace myself. I feel today is a good day for sharing...it helps and heals.

[mittam99]

Marg, I'm pretty sure you were thinking of Brad. Truth is, us guys are seriously outnumbered here. That's ok, you women are awesome!

[Heatherw]

People keep telling me how strong I am, but really I'm just going through the motions. There are still bills to pay. Keith and I were together 16 years but never married so I've had nothing to help me. We overcame so many obstacles and planned on finally getting married this year. But I don't feel strong at all. I just try to honor what I know he would want. And I know he wouldn't want me to lose everything we worked so hard for. 
 

[mittam99]

I thought this was a pretty thought provoking and well written article on the loneliness that's so engrained in our "new lives".

http://www.opentohope.com/lonely-not-powerful-enough-word-to-describe-widowhood/

[mittam99]

3 minutes ago, Heatherw said:

People keep telling me how strong I am, but really I'm just going through the motions.
 

Heather, you are strong. This is the most devastating thing that could ever happen. You were with the man you loved for 16 years and had plans for your future and he was suddenly gone from your life. Yet, here you are posting and trying to get a handle on your life without your beloved Keith. That is remarkable. Of course it feels like just going through the motions, it's only been two months, you still are numb.

All you can do now is take things a moment at a time and try to surround yourself with people that love and understand you. And most important, be patient and gentle with yourself.

[KATPILOT]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

  It was a very intimate moment, like we'd progressed beyond sexuality into something far more intimate, a connection of a deep level, with trust and understanding taking up the slack.  I will never forget that moment.

I so understand that Kay.

[brat#2]

Heather, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you found this forum.  There isn't much more I can add at this time than what has already been said, other than this place has helped me a lot and even if I don't post my feelings, just reading what everyone else has posted helps and makes me realize I'm not alone and have friends.  Hugs to you

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Heather,

Welcome to this forum, I am sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you found this place, it saved my life when my husband George died.  It helps just to have a safe place to post and know you will be understood.  This is a caring place for you to come to.

[mittam99]

I don't know if anyone has had a chance to read the article I posted but I found the very last couple lines so poignant...

Quote

... there are so many people I could call who would commiserate with me, they’re just not in my head and in my heart living my life. And does it make sense when I say when I’m feeling this way sometimes I just want to be left alone?

I totally get what she's saying. Even though I started this topic about coping with the loneliness of grief, often times I just want to be alone. I mean, Tammy is who I want to be with, no one else. No amount of company, or conversations or posts at a forum will ever fill the void of losing my Tammy. No one really understands exactly how I feel. After all, I'm the only one who has actually lived my life. Sometimes I just need to be alone in my thoughts no matter how painful they may be.

Maybe it isn't really the loneliness of my life that gets to me. Maybe it's just the utter emptiness of it. With Tammy, I had love, I had companionship, I had joy. We fed off each other and made each other better. Life had a purpose, had meaning. Alone, I have 24/7 of longing for the past. I try to be hopeful and think that life will get better, but, over 14 months of Groundhog's Day has shown me this may (sadly) be as good as it gets.

Now I'm thinking I might need to re-title this topic "Dealing With The Emptiness" or maybe "Dealing With The Meaninglessness".

emp·ti·ness

ˈem(p)tēnəs/

noun

noun: emptiness

1. 1.

   the state of containing nothing.
2. 2.

   the quality of lacking meaning or sincerity; meaninglessness.

    
3. 3.

   the quality of having no value or purpose; futility.

    

 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I so understand that Kay.

I miss kissing.  Like many others, our sex life was taken away by so many things.  I didn't miss that as much as a kiss tho.  The thing that takes your breath away.  I've heart that 'women if the night' draw the line there as they find that more intimate.  At least the disease couldn't take that away.  

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, why not just add those words to the topic?  They all fit.  Sadly, they all suck too.

[mittam99]

Gwen, check out the new topic title.

Loneliness, Emptiness and Meaninglessness

I think that's more fitting. I guess I could have re-titled it "This new like sucks more than Monica Lewinsky" but nah...

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Gin said:

i went to a grief group and one of the questions was, "what gives you joy?"  Some folks mentioned their children, grandchildren, etc. My answer was "nothing".  Wonder if anything ever will again.

Joy?  Don't know what that is anymore either.  Calm and not in unrest is as close as I can come right now.  Happy is a reach beyond happy I got the dogs fed, happy it is time to go to bed, happy I made it thru bring around people.  But as a general state of being?  That left with Steve and I don't know how it if it will come back.  My counselor says I am stuck because all I want is Steve. Damn right I am stuck!  It happens in some phases.  This is one of them since I hit that dream feeling of if he was ever here.  I'd like him back to prove he was.  Then I'd keep him because I am selfish that way.  :-)

[mittam99]

1 minute ago, Gwenivere said:

My counselor says I am stuck because all I want is Steve.

Gwen... you actually pay this counselor!!??? Of course Steve is what you want. Tammy is all I want and all I ever wanted.

What are we supposed to want? Some new lover? A hot new car to fulfill our every need? Maybe an upgraded refrigerator?

The truth is, we can't get our old life back but all of us want it back.

 

[Gwenivere]

Well, I plan to have a little chat with her about that.  To her credit she did say I always find my way thru the phases and she feels I will again.  We are such raw nerves in this that often we take something said the wrong way.  I find that out all the time.  Sometimes being around me is poking at a bear in a very bad mood.  Not a good idea at all! Plus she said this in email and that is always a way for meanings to get altered.  But until I do talk to her....stay back.   Grrrrrr.  

[mittam99]

Gwen, your counselors name doesn't happen to be Captain Obvious by any chance?

If she says this on your next visit, consider switching:

Ok, sorry for kidding about your counselor. Now back to serious talk about loneliness, meaninglessness and emptiness.

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I know how much I miss her but I forget sometimes about the sex part. It was wonderful. I'm so glad sometimes that I'm older. I think there is a big difference when men are young. I'm glad I don't have to know that anguish too.

Works hat way for us women too, Kat.  I don't know how I would be feeling about that if is was 20 to 30'years younger.  So 60 gets a plus mark in this instance.  

[Froggie4635]

I just made an observation of myself.  When Mark was alive, we would talk all the time. All I ever wanted was to hear his voice ,listen to his thoughts and take in all of who he was.  I didn't care how many times I had heard the story; I listened intently, because it was HIM telling the story.  I gave him a hard time sometimes about all the corny jokes he told...asked him if someone long ago gave him a corny joke book.  I couldn't get enough of the words and the sound.

Now, when someone calls me to chat, it is like I just am not even a part of the whole conversation.  I try and listen with interest.  A lot of times I am just waiting for them to stop talking and to let me go.  I hope it doesn't sound terrible. My phone calls to people are short and sweet.  I know that sounds so self-absorbed that I don't want to give people the attention that a long conversation on the phone needs.  Most times I just do not have much to contribute to the conversation.  But Mark's absence makes me so much more aware of this.

[brat#2]

Maryann, exactly, I miss Dale's voice and jokes and conversation, I was just thinking that this afternoon.  I long for THAT conversation, I miss talking and listening to people, but like you said I just don't seem to have that much to say and it's hard to listen to other people go on and on.  However, I could listen to him go on and on forever.  Just another thing to be missed.

Joyce