Going to the cemetery

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

How often do you go the grave site of your loved one? Or maybe where their ashes were scattered? I want to go more than I do, but I completely and utterly lose it whenever I look at my mom's headstone. She was 59. She's not supposed to have one yet. It should have been another 20 or 30 years before she did. I've gotten to the point where I don't cry every day and my stomach doesn't feel like it's being twisted by a vice grip in multiple directions, but when I go there, it feels like the day she died all over again.

Does anyone else have the most difficult time visiting the cemetery?

[kayc]

My husband's ashes are in the backyard and I have a memorial stone there, I felt it's where he'd want to be, but I realize he isn't really there, I guess that's why I don't go to cemeteries more, I feel just as close to those I've lost whether at the cemetery or not.

[Guest]

I have some of my moms ashes,and on Mother's Day ( mom died April 21st) my ten year old son  and I went to a park we all loved and went to together,and put a very small amount of the ashes in the pond.We haven't been back there yet but plan to go later this summer.

Mom's actual burial is July 5th.We had to make it later so that all my family in the u.s will be able to be here ( I'm in Canada).Im pre planning and when my time comes,I will be cremated and buried with her as neither of us had/have spouses anymore.I plan on visiting the cemetery every year on Mother's Day.

[kayc]

One of the reasons I had my husband cremated was so he could be where he loved (I scattered his ashes in our backyard...he loved where we lived and felt more comfortable here than anywhere) and I also want to be cremated not only for that reason but also because I don't want my kids to spend their time going to cemeteries, I want them to spend holidays with THEIR families, building memories.   It's nice that you and your son were able to place some of her ashes in a place she loved to be.  I know their spirit is not in their ashes, but it is symbolic and our way of honoring them the best way we know how.  With having our ashes here where we lived, where my kids were raised, if they visit here it will be a place of good memories, and like you are choosing to do, I hope when you visit her burial place every year on Mother's Day, you will be flooded with warm memories to accompany you.

 

[mittam99]

I wish I had the ability to visit my Tammy whenever I could. I spent 1/4 of my life with her and we were together virtually 24/7. Her family told me her wish was to be buried back in Illinois for her final resting place. It's so hard not being able to just go to her grave and sit with her and talk to her. Nothing about this life after Tammy is easy. It all hurts so bad.

[Guest]

Thank you,Kayc.I also have a butterfly cremation necklace to put a tiny bit of her ashes in ( butterflys were her thing... And polar bears :)Spreading your husband's ashes In your backyard was a lovely idea.Im sure your children appreciate the thought you put into it for their sake to :).

Mittam99,I'm so sorry you can't visit your beloved Tammy's grave.My heart hurts for you

[Clematis]

I'm a little concerned if and when my dad is ever going to make it to the cemetery. He stipulated in his will that he wanted to be cremated in Reading PA in the same site as where my mother is buried. My sisters used to both live there, and now just my older one does-the one that said she was divorcing me because I wouldn't give her the banjo he gave me eight years before he died. In the last few months of his last life, he started to say he wanted to have my mother exhumed and brought out here and the two of them buried out here in AZ. Well I don't think my mother would want that at ALL, and I'm not too keen on it, aside from it being totally crazy.

So, I decided that what my dad was really trying to say to me was that he wanted to be with her, but he didn't want to leave me either. I figured that the best way to do that would be to have part of his ashes in a "keepsake" urn to keep with me and that I'd keep the rest of him with me for awhile and then take him back to PA in the summer when I was off from school and it was warm and all that and my sister and I could play music at the cemetery.

But now the summer is moving by and I am trying desperately to get my dad's and my stuff all consolidated into one condo and myself moved back into my own condo after getting it cleaned up a bit after it turned into a landslide after taking care of my father for years. And now on top of it, I've been partially incapacitated by a car accident and that has really slowed things down. Then, I sent my sister a message in April telling her the one week that I would be out of town during the summer-my trip to Hawaii that I booked last October. I asked her to think about when she might like me to come to PA with our father's ashes to complete his wishes. She never responded and I'm not sure what I'm going to do exactly. She has made it rather clear that she isn't crazy about me. She told me that I used to be fun but an not anymore, and some other remarks that were unkind and not very helpful.

I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. I think that by the end of the summer I am likely to be exhausted from working very hard all summer on pulling all this off with no help from either of my sisters. I may not even be done by the end of the summer; I am very likely to still have loose ends to tie up like some of his possessions and his condo, and if I do have any time, I'm not likely to want to spend it traveling to PA to stay with my sister who doesn't like me any more so we can bury our father's ashes with our mother. Is he likely to be upset with me if I don't do it until next summer? 

 

[kayc]

Laura,

From what you've told me about your father, I don't think he'd be upset at all!  I think he'd understand what you have on your plate, you're going through a lot.  You will have your hands full this summer making a recovery and trying to clean out his place.  Since you've asked your sister when it'd be a good time for her and she hasn't responded, I'd take it she's not interested, and I'd do it when it was convenient for YOU, even if that means waiting until next summer.  And I think your idea about placing some of the ashes in a necklace or something is a good idea, I think you read your dad's desires really well!

[MartyT]

Your father trusted you enough to move to Arizona so the two of you could be close, and you were exactly that for the next ten years, Laura. It seems to me that your dad would trust you now to decide when you are ready and able to fulfill his wish for his cremains to be buried with your mother. So no, I don't think he is likely to be upset with you for waiting.  ♥

[Clematis]

Ok, thanks! I'll stop worrying about it. I don't see how that is going to happen this summer without an extraordinary amount of stress...