Ex-bf lost his father and fell into depression

[mona_lisa]

Hey, everyone. I need some help here, please. 

 

7 weeks ago, I broke up with my depressed bf. We've been together for almost 3 years and I loved him so much. You know, that kind of love that's so warm, so comforting, so good to feel. It was great.

 

Things started to derail when he lost two close family members last year, which contributed to his depression. I tried my best - for over a year - to support him, give him love and understanding. 

 

But his disease took its toll on me. Damn, depression is brutal! He drinks to cope with his pain and, for so many months, pushed me away the hardest he could. He seemed happy with everyone else, but me. I could feel I was losing him, I could feel him slipping through my fingers. And sadly, I'm the only one who realizes this (not even his freaking family acknowledge his depression).

 

Well, he knows he's sick. But he won't seek for any kind of help. So I decided to break up, for my own mental sanity. He said we should go no contact, but, 3 weeks ago, started texting me again. Since the break-up, everything has been so tough. I can't find joy. I still feel this ache in my chest every single day. I miss him so much, all the time. I guess I was his rock, and now he doesn't have me, he started to see that alcohol and his friends aren't enough for him to cope with his never-ending pain.

 

Did any of you go through something similar? Can any of you, please, tell me what I'm supposed to do? I can't stop talking to him - I'm pretty sure he will fall into a even darker place if he feels he's completely alone.

[kayc]

You say you still love him, but you broke up with him for your own mental well being.  Nothing has changed there.  You might try giving him a "path back", a path set with boundaries, a clear path, nonetheless.  And don't take him back unless he takes the correct path.  What would that path look like?  Would it require him quitting drinking, going to AA, getting grief counseling?  Would it require him regard you and treat you (spell out) a certain way?  Think about it.  If you do not see that as a possibility, then what do you require to remain in his life as a friend?  Again, nothing wrong with setting boundaries and making them clear!

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's very hard...been there!

If you read the stories in Loss of Love section, you'll notice some commonalities.  It's grief.   I'm sorry it's hit you too.

[mona_lisa]

Thanks a lot for your advice, kayc. I've been reading these foruns for a while now (I know about your struggles, I'm sorry you went through this too). 

It's sad that so many love stories ended up badly because of similar reasons. We find love and, then, it's taken away from us and there's nothing we can do.

Well... If he wants to meet me someday, I'll tell him the things you said above. I wish I could just forget about him, but that seems impossible from where I stand.

[kayc]

Well I'm okay in the end because we ended up in a very nice friendship and maybe that's how it was supposed to go.  I can't consider it anything but a success because we're very good friends today!

 

[ChinUp54]

Hi Mona Lisa~

Your situation is very similar to mine and I feel your pain. I'm so sorry yet another person has to go through this.  My BF stopped calling right after the year anniversary of his mother's passing - maybe you've read my story too.  It's now almost 5 months since our last conversation and I have heard nothing from him even though I reached out to him early on.  For me, this is one of the hardest things I've ever been through and it still hurts and I still cry. So please be easy with yourself and let the feelings happen, feel them and continue on.  It's the only way to process your own grief in losing him.  In the beginning I was asked "what brings me joy?" by a counselor and for me it's my horses - I couldn't think of anything else at that time which is really odd for me.  So I spend time with the horses and eventually found my joy again. Some days I felt like I couldn't do anything, so I didn't and just let myself be. And that's okay.

I still have difficulty believing this happened to me. We too had an amazing relationship, so I thought, and I didn't want to let him go but he gave me no choice in the matter.  Keep coming here to vent and seek words of comfort. We are here to support you through this. Hugs to you.

[mona_lisa]

Hey, ChinUp!

Yes, I've read your story. I'm so sorry for your loss! Do you think things will get better eventually?

Feeling sad for such a long time isn't what I had planned for my life... I'm trying to let my feelings flow, feel all the crushing sadness, but oh God, I just wish I could feel happy again! I've been down since last year, when his father got sick. Back then, things already started spiraling out of control. My bf wasn't the same man I fell in love with, but, still, I managed to love him just the same. 

It's so weird how they can't be by our side. We just want to make them feel good! But maybe they think we're too demanding. Maybe a love relationship is more than they can stand now, because, when they're with us, they can really be themselves... and they remember all of the feelings they've been running away from.

I hope you get better, my dear.

Big hug to you and to your horses

[ChinUp54]

Mona Lisa~

My view on this is what's meant to happen will happen.  If he resurfaces one day we'll have to see where he's at in his grief process.  There are definitely some things I needed to work on for myself as well, and this has forced me to face up to that and take action.  I too suffered depression after his mother passed because he did the same thing and withdrew.  He was not himself and I knew it was grief, but I didn't know what to do to help either.  And I didn't know how not to take it personally. The loss of a parent can be huge and overwhelming, especially when they were really close as mine was to his mother. I don't think they know what they're feeling but know they have nothing to give to a relationship at the moment. My guess is a huge part of his heart is missing and he's learning to live with that. At one point he said to me "I think you'd be better of with someone else." Fact of the matter is I don't want someone else, but I also do not want someone that completely checks out when life gets overwhelming.  So yes, I'll stick with horses for now.

[kayc]

You turned to horses and I turned to cleaning (keep myself occupied).  My house got very clean!  Too bad it didn't last...

I have not dated since, just no desire to go through all that again, ugh!