Moving on

[Numbfrompain]

2 years ago, I went through a horrible divorce.  My wife, at the time, was having an affair.   I didn't understand it and couldn't cope with it. We had moved to Ohio together to be closer to her family for help with our twin daughters.  I'm from Florida.  I left and moved back to Florida after months of trying to reconcile, but watching her get sucked deeper and deeper into the affair.  I still talk to my girls almost every day and Skype with them occasionally, but I'm overwhelmed by guilt and grief from time to time and I have no outlet to let it out. It's been 2 years and I still have dreams and nightmares about "what if" scenarios. If I'd done better. Or more. If we didn't move to Ohio in the first place.  I feel so isolated.

[kayc]

I think this is something that would be best addressed by a qualified professional counselor.  Perhaps you could have done something different, I don't know, but then that could be true for all of us in life.  Have you tried talking to your XW to get her perspective?  Not to beat yourself up, but to learn.  It's important to forgive her at some point and it helps to understand what really happened, but forgiveness is important for YOU regardless of whether or not you get your questions answered or any real closure.  

Are you having regular visitation with your girls?

[Numbfrompain]

Only through Skype and on my phone calls nightly.  They're 3 now.  I've been  working on trying to forgive, but she uses the girls as a pawn from time to time and that makes it very difficult.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Numbfrompain
Misspelled

[MartyT]

My friend, I'm so sorry for the pain and isolation you're feeling, and I hope you'll find some comfort here.

There are many losses associated with a divorce, and the grief that comes in its wake is real.

I invite you to do some reading, which I hope will serve to explain some of what you may be feeling. Be sure to follow some of the links that are listed at the base of this article, too:

Is Grief A Normal Reaction to Divorce?

[Numbfrompain]

Thank you for that. Through this whole process, the hardest part has been that I know anger and resentment aren't good for me and that I need to forgive.  My heart just can't quite get there

[kayc]

It's always helped me (forgiving) in know what forgiveness is NOT.  Forgiveness does NOT mean "it was okay to do to you".  Forgiveness does NOT mean you agree with what happened. Forgiveness does NOT mean you'll let something like that happen again.  Forgiveness does NOT mean you want to be in her life as best friends.  Forgiveness is sometimes one of those things you begin on faith and the FEELINGS of forgiveness may/may not follow.  Try not to worry about how you feel, but the beginning act of forgiveness is the important thing...it's for YOU more than for her.  She may or may not care if you forgive her.  She may or may not ever say she's sorry.  It's not hinged on that.  It's clearing yourself out of the ugly throes of resentment and anger and letting it go so it can no longer taint you.  It also releases her power over you, her power to hurt you, to trap you, to affect you.

In looking at what forgiveness is NOT, I hope it will help you understand what it IS and be able to begin the process.

When she does something additional (like use the kids as pawns), that requires a second forgiveness for that act.  I know it's tough because it can bring up the old feelings associated with her.  It also may require some legal action that prohibits her from USING the kids as pawns and holds her to a binding legal agreement for visitation etc.  It's unfortunate that some people can't be adult and do what's in the best interest of the kids, but if that were the case we would have no need for lawyers and courts...it's all too common.   When my kids' dad and I divorced, I had physical custody but I let them see him whenever they wanted (they were teenagers) and he could call them whenever he wanted.  We helped him when he needed it and I sometimes had to remind him of his proper response because he was so stuck in his feelings that he wasn't seeing the clear picture.  For instance, when he was laid up with a nerve injury, the kids and I went and cleaned his house, mowed his lawn, did his dishes.  And he complained woe is him, nobody cared about him, etc.  And I reminded him that we didn't have to be there spending our day helping him but we were there because we did care.  He would get stuck feeling whatever he was feeling so he couldn't see the whole picture.  Perhaps your XW is stuck with wherever she was in the marriage  and not seeing you for the great dad you are and that your kids NEED to have you in their lives!  Mediation is often helpful, but that's harder to accomplish when you're living in separate states.

[MartyT]

I agree with all that Kay has said to you.

It seems to me that your "heart can't get there" because you are not yet ready. The betrayal you've experienced is not something you can simply wish away. It takes conscious effort and a lot of work to find your way through this. The support of a divorce group or a professional counselor can help.

In addition, I don't know what, if any, reading you've done to help you better understand what you are feeling and how you might manage your reactions ~ but here are some resources you might find helpful:

Article: Betrayal: The Most Underrated Trauma

Book: After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
Book: Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live through the Ending of Yours 
Book: Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

Book: How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To

(These and other resources are listed on our Death of A Relationship page.)