Losing A Spouse Is Not The Same As Losing A Parent.

[Margm]

Kay, I had posted one with a cardinal, which I had saved for about four years in my pictures, but it proved too big for the space and I didn't know how to make it smaller, so I had to find another.  It was one I found after I saw the cardinal perch on the porch railing.  Used to see innumerable cardinals on my porch in Arkansas.  I don't see as many down here, but watching and naming birds was a hobby for both of us since we retired, and before.  We kept bird feeders out.  He loved the hummingbird and waiting for the first of the season and the last to leave.  We saw so many different birds.  And, I think watching for the birds is something I shy away from because it was his and my hobby, and somehow just being mine lacks something.  So, I don't watch for them anymore.  That single cardinal, and the cardinal special meanings, was my answer from Billy.  (I love my imagination).  Who knows?  HE knows when a sparrow drops. (Matthew) and I don't know where to find it and am not going to google it.  The hummingbird will come right up to you and sit on your shoulder.  They make me nervous with that long bill though.  In New Mexico, up on the high plains were doves or pigeons of beautiful colors.  Billy was fascinated by them.  I don't watch for them anymore either.

 

[Margm]

I think I put this on the wrong post.

No, I put the one by Emily Dickinson on the right post.  It was the one where the young man saw his wife as the bird who came to talk to him.  I had to find another with the same words, but maybe this one is small enough.  I hope so, because it meant much to me four-or-so years ago.

[kayc]

Marg, do you have Paint (program) on your computer (comes with windows), if so you can open any jpeg in it and resize it.

[MartyT]

21 hours ago, Marg M said:

it meant much to me four-or-so years ago.

Me, too, Marg. That's why the same quotation has appeared on the home page of my Grief Healing website since it was launched 20 years ago! ♥️

[Paula Sanders]

Vivian,

My name is Paula.   I completely know exactly what you mean about the loss of parents is an entirely a different type of loss.

I loved my parents dearly...I did everything I could possibly do towards the end of their lives.

However, your spouse is the person, in my case He was the person I lived with and was still madly in love with since I was 25 years old.  I’m 62 years old now.

I was able to be safely vulnerable with, shared my fears, insecurities, pulled strength from,
traveled with, oh my goodness there is so much more.

 The loneliness for my husband is unbearable to this day.  My husband died of a rare skin cancer that took his life within 8 months.

Almost 30 years gone just like that.

My sister who I’ve stood by no matter what, walked away; no text, calls or visits.

My husband’s family, minus his older sister walked away.

1 of his brother’s who was very helpful to my husband and myself when my husband was home dying came to my home shortly after we buried my husband.

Now keep in mind, I wasn’t sleeping during the night hours, I’d find something on TV that had multiple episodes to keep my mind off of my overwhelming grief.

When the morning hours came so did my anxiety with my overwhelming knowledge that my husband is really gone.

I’d take medication to sleep.

Which brings me back to my brother-in-law and his wife.  I didn’t hear the Ring door bell.

To this day, they’re telling people/family that I refused to respond to them.

So untrue!  
When I speak to my youngest brother-in-law, I always feel like I need to defend my grief.

They, my husband’s family talk about me and he’s they’re mouth piece.

 I was told you’re  not the only one that lost him...I was so hurt.

My reply was words of understanding with examples of what I know he (they) would miss.

I added that I was the wife and how they had the memory of childhood memories and the adult part of my husband was only what he wanted them to see.

 I also reminded him that when they’re all sitting around talking about my grief and how I’m dealing with it, their wives and husband’s are at they’re side.  And, unfortunately, it won’t be until they lose their spouses compassion for me will not be understood.

 I feel like there’s no one in my life that gets it!

i guess to them, I’m just whining.  I’ve had thoughts of suicide at times just to be with my husband and to stop the pain.  I reach for my cellphone and call the “Hotline” for support when I have my deep feelings of profound loss and loneliness for my husband.

My life has changed which is an understatement.  Who am I?  Where am I going? Can I keep this house? Who can I call? 
 

Thank you for listening or should I say reading just a small portion, but significant Portion of my thoughts of loneliness, fears, thoughts and the unbearable loss of my husband.

Paula

 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

Paula, I am so sorry that you also lost your husband!  Mine had just turned 51 and his death was sudden, unexpected.  I was widowed at 52.  That was 15 years ago.  I still love and miss him and he is ever on my mind.  We were supposed to grow old together, but instead it's just me...alone.

I am sorry your BIL makes you feel you have to defend your grief.  Hold your ground.  You should not have to explain or defend your grief to others, there is no loss like this!

I'm also sorry people aren't calling, listening.  A lot of times they just don't know how to respond...they either try to "fix it" which they can't, or they realize they can't so they do nothing.  Dr. Phil says we have to teach people how to treat us...easier said than done sometimes, esp. in grief, but I've learned to speak up and tell them what's inappropriate and what would be better, what I need.  I don't need them to fix a situation that isn't fixable, I need them to listen, care.  Even if they can't get it...which they can't.

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, I hope something in it is of help to you now or later on down the road....

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.