Sudden unexpected loss of precious relative

[Chris516]

On Friday June 24, 2016.  My middle first-cousin via my paternal aunt.  Died unexpectedly.  My cousin was a chain smoker.  So I initially thought that her death was due to a stroke from her smoking.  Our grandmother(the mother of my father, and her mother) died from a stroke due to her smoking.  She was only 59 when she died. My cousin was only 40yrs.-old when she died.   

I have survivors guilt.  My survivors guilt is because, I am 49yrs.-old and have had three (physical) neurological health problems all my life.  I was born with a Brain Aneurysm.  Which in turn, caused Hydrocephalus.  The needed brain surgeries for those two, caused Epilepsy.  None of them has a cure, only temporary-stop measures.

Our grandfather died in 1991.  I was 24.  My younger brother was 22, and cousins were respectively 18, 16, and 13.  All five of us weren't without tears when speaking at our grandfather's funeral.  The difference between then and now is generational.  With my cousin's death, it is the same generation.  Which makes her death, generationally closer to home.

She was the middle of my three first-cousins'.  I have been crying daily ever since.  I miss her dearly.

[Clematis]

Hello Chris, I am glad you found our site and shared your story with us. It is really very sad; you have had a lot of loss in your family and anyone would feel grief-stricken by that. I think you are right in that it is more disturbing when people die that are close to your own age. It's harder to have people in your parents' generation die than people in your grandparents' generation, and it's even scarier to have people your own age or younger pass away, because it's hard to not think that it could be you.

It sounds like you have had a difficult life with serious health problems, and I am sorry to hear that. Life is difficult enough without those struggles. But that doesn't mean that you should die before your cousin; she was very young to die, and it sounds like maybe you're not sure what she died of. But it is not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like normal grief to me. It is very normal to cry and feel terrible after someone close to you dies. 

Please take care of yourself, make sure you are eating well, drinking fluids, sleeping enough and staying away from situations or people that would make you feel worse. Be extra careful when you are driving, walking, or doing anything that might injure you if you weren't entirely focused on what you are doing. Grief is very difficult, and it exhausts you by using up resources that you may not even be aware of.

And please, keep coming back here. You will get other responses from people on the forum. And please keep posting about what you are going through. All of us have somewhat different situations, but we are all on the same path and are here for you.

Laura

[Chris516]

29 minutes ago, Clematis said:

Hello Chris, I am glad you found our site and shared your story with us. It is really very sad; you have had a lot of loss in your family and anyone would feel grief-stricken by that. I think you are right in that it is more disturbing when people die that are close to your own age. It's harder to have people in your parents' generation die than people in your grandparents' generation, and it's even scarier to have people your own age or younger pass away, because it's hard to not think that it could be you.

It sounds like you have had a difficult life with serious health problems, and I am sorry to hear that. Life is difficult enough without those struggles. But that doesn't mean that you should die before your cousin; she was very young to die, and it sounds like maybe you're not sure what she died of. But it is not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like normal grief to me. It is very normal to cry and feel terrible after someone close to you dies. 

Please take care of yourself, make sure you are eating well, drinking fluids, sleeping enough and staying away from situations or people that would make you feel worse. Be extra careful when you are driving, walking, or doing anything that might injure you if you weren't entirely focused on what you are doing. Grief is very difficult, and it exhausts you by using up resources that you may not even be aware of.

And please, keep coming back here. You will get other responses from people on the forum. And please keep posting about what you are going through. All of us have somewhat different situations, but we are all on the same path and are here for you.

Laura

An autopsy is being done to determine what she actually died from.

As for my level of grief.  Everyone I saw that was at the church prior to the funeral, during the funeral, and at the after-funeral celebration of my cousin's life.  Either seemed like a bunch of robots, or somehow already knew why my cousin died.  Because, I didn't see anyone else crying but me.  Almost like they thought her death was expected.  Well, I did see her dad crying once.  During the after-funeral celebration.  But he wasn't crying like a baby.

I have insomnia due to my Hydrocephalus.  I have never driven because of my Epilepsy.  My walking is already affected as a result of my brain surgeries.

I don't know if I mentioned in my first post.  I am a cyclist and have been in a number of bike accidents.  But, Even when I hit my head.  It didn't break my shunt.  I have never had to stay in the hospital.  I had several brain surgeries as a child.  But other than that, I have never had to stay in the hospital overnight when I hit my head.  No broken bones, nothing.

When I was hugging my oldest first-cousin and crying like a baby.  I held on to her tight.  Like she was a security blanket that wouldn't abandon me emotionally.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you lost your cousin.  It sounds like your grief is compounded by not knowing what is causing these young deaths in your family, a feeling that can leave you feeling vulnerable with your own mortality...or survivor's guilt.  Feelings are experienced but not necessarily factual-based, so I hope you can realize her death is not caused by you and may have no bearing on how long you will live.  Like you mentioned, smoking could have sped up the process.

I am glad you realize it's okay to cry, to experience the grief, there sure isn't any way to circumvent it.  I'm also glad you are able to express yourself, it helps to get it out and not bottle it up.  This is a good safe place to do that, we've all experienced loss on great magnitude.

[Chris516]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm sorry you lost your cousin.  It sounds like your grief is compounded by not knowing what is causing these young deaths in your family, a feeling that can leave you feeling vulnerable with your own mortality...or survivor's guilt.  Feelings are experienced but not necessarily factual-based, so I hope you can realize her death is not caused by you and may have no bearing on how long you will live.  Like you mentioned, smoking could have sped up the process.

I am glad you realize it's okay to cry, to experience the grief, there sure isn't any way to circumvent it.  I'm also glad you are able to express yourself, it helps to get it out and not bottle it up.  This is a good safe place to do that, we've all experienced loss on great magnitude.

Well, She is the first that has died young.  Our grandfather was 81 when he died in 1991.  So, He definitely didn't die unexpectedly.  He was already in the hospital when he had a stroke.  My paternal aunt was with him at the time.

While I know that I did not cause my cousin's death.  When I was talking to her older sister who I have a special bond with(she is the one who has always sought me out to find out how I am doing). I was telling her that because I have three (physical)neurological incurable health conditions I have had since infancy.  As I cried like a baby.  That it should have been me, not my cousin that died.  My cousin told me not to talk like that and held on to me.  I know I shouldn't talk like that.  But even if I don't talk like that.  It doesn't lessen the guilt.

[kayc]

Well your grandmother dying at 59 seems pretty young to me.  

Have you considered grief counseling?  I've had it, a number of people here have, it helps you know where to start with processing this.

[Chris516]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Well your grandmother dying at 59 seems pretty young to me.  

Have you considered grief counseling?  I've had it, a number of people here have, it helps you know where to start with processing this.

My grandmother definitely was young.  I don't think I could go to  group grief counseling unless it was free.  I was hoping it wasn't the smoking, and/or a stroke.  That she died from.

[kayc]

There is usually grief counseling or support groups, they don't usually have grief counseling as a group unless it's a family.  Some insurance pays for it, and some colleges offer it if you're a student.  Some of them charge according to your income so it's not too bad.

[Clematis]

My grief counselor works through a hospice and they do groups in the community. They do is as a service for people who have been in hospice with them, but they are not strict about that. Not everyone in the groups lost someone who was receiving services with this hospice. It's hard to know what is available in different communities, but it is worth a check.

[MartyT]

From Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You:

How to Find Grief Support in Your Own Community

Call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.

Use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. Many hospitals and hospices provide individual and family grief support to clients for up to one year following a death, and offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost.

 The Association for Death Education and Counseling maintains a searchable data base of certified thanatologists (professionals with specialized education and certification in dying, death and bereavement whose professional responsibilities include working with the dying and / or bereaved) to help you find a grief therapist or counselor in your geographic area. 

The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States.  To search for a hospice in your own community, click on Find a Provider.

[kayc]

You all that live in cities have so much more available to you than those of us who live in the country!  

[Chris516]

On 7/2/2016 at 11:14 AM, kayc said:

I'm sorry you lost your cousin.  It sounds like your grief is compounded by not knowing what is causing these young deaths in your family, a feeling that can leave you feeling vulnerable with your own mortality...or survivor's guilt.  Feelings are experienced but not necessarily factual-based, so I hope you can realize her death is not caused by you and may have no bearing on how long you will live.  Like you mentioned, smoking could have sped up the process.

I am glad you realize it's okay to cry, to experience the grief, there sure isn't any way to circumvent it.  I'm also glad you are able to express yourself, it helps to get it out and not bottle it up.  This is a good safe place to do that, we've all experienced loss on great magnitude.

Well, She is the first that has died young.  Our grandfather was 81 when he died in 1991.  So, He definitely didn't die unexpectedly.  He was already in the hospital when he had a stroke.  My paternal aunt was with him at the time.

While I know that I did not cause my cousin's death.  When I was talking to her older sister who I have a special bond with(she is the one who has always sought me out to find out how I am doing). I was telling her that because I have three (physical)neurological incurable health conditions I have had since infancy.  As I cried like a baby.  That it should have been me, not my cousin that died.  My cousin told me not to talk like that and held on to me.  I know I shouldn't talk like that.  But even if I don't talk like that.  It doesn't lessen the guilt.

[Chris516]

I have found one online website, and one local church for grief counseling.

[kayc]

Sounds like survivors guilt.  When my son was in the Air Force, so many of his coworkers were being deployed and he volunteered to and they said no they needed him here.  (I, as his mother, was glad for that.)  But he felt guilty like he wasn't doing his part because he wasn't getting blown up.  I told him I didn't pour my life's blood into him just so he could get blown up, and neither did any of the other mothers.  It's horrible that any mother should get that news about their son, they are all important, but him getting himself killed isn't going to help them.  The Air Force determined he could be of most use to them right here so that's what he needed to do.  He had to accept that, but I do remember him struggling with it for a while.

[Chris516]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

Sounds like survivors guilt.  When my son was in the Air Force, so many of his coworkers were being deployed and he volunteered to and they said no they needed him here.  (I, as his mother, was glad for that.)  But he felt guilty like he wasn't doing his part because he wasn't getting blown up.  I told him I didn't pour my life's blood into him just so he could get blown up, and neither did any of the other mothers.  It's horrible that any mother should get that news about their son, they are all important, but him getting himself killed isn't going to help them.  The Air Force determined he could be of most use to them right here so that's what he needed to do.  He had to accept that, but I do remember him struggling with it for a while.

I keep wondering why I am the only one that has the guilt.  I have been told that my paternal uncle's wife was in tears as much as me.  But she just has hepatitis, compared to the three medical conditions I have.

[Chris516]

On 7/4/2016 at 0:49 PM, kayc said:

You all that live in cities have so much more available to you than those of us who live in the country!  

It is still subjective to availability.

[kayc]

You mean the support groups are all full?

[Chris516]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

You mean the support groups are all full?

They can get full.  There are only a certain number of slots.