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Traumatic loss


Kariaries

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Hi. I came here hoping for a little peace. My family adopted a beautiful, sweet Maine Coon mix December of 2014. My boyfriend paid the fees as my daughters Christmas gift. We fell in love. Houdini was the sweetest cat, so loving and trusting. We adored him. This past weekend, we combined families and moved in with my boyfriend, who has a pit bull mix. I researched and researched the best way to move Houdini so he would be safe and not have too much anxiety, I did everything I could. I set up my daughters room, which is where he typically slept, first, put all of his items in there, brought him and had him in the room with the door closed so he could get used to things slowly. He adjusted well. We put up a baby gate so the dog couldn't get in the room, when we were home, we would once in awhile, open the door and allow them to see each other. Otherwise the door was closed. We were going to slowly introduce them by having them eat with the gate between them bringing their food closer and closer together until they were more comfortable. Monday night, my daughter left her bedroom door cracked. She thought Houdini would
Be too scared to go out. He wasn't. Around 4:30
In the morning, I heard noises. I jumped out of bed, as did my boyfriend. When we found Houdini, the dog had gotten him and he was clearly badly injured, lying in his own urine. I scooped him up and rushed him to the animal hospital. After a day of stabilizing and surgery, the internal injuries were just too severe and Houdini gave up the fight. I am so struggling with this loss, with the images, with the unfairness of him losing his life in such a horrific way. I have guilt, anger, and severe depression. I don't know how to come back from this. Please,
Any advice anyone had would be so appreciated.

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 My dear, I'm so sorry to learn of the tragic accident that led to the death of your beloved Houdini, and I can only imagine the pain you're feeling in the wake of this horrific incident.

You say you don't know how to come back from this ~ how to cope with the traumatic images, how to work through your guilt, anger and depression ~ and I want to share some resources with you. But please understand that you already ARE beginning to process all of this, by telling your story and by acknowledging to yourself and to others what happened and how you feel about it. You and your daughter are a human beings and human beings make mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes we make have tragic consequences, and we are left to live with them, find a way to forgive ourselves, and learn whatever lessons we can from them.

I hope you'll take the time to listen a recording of an interview I did some time ago on pet loss, grief and guilt, and read this article, Grief and The Burden of Guilt. If you scroll down to the base, you'll find links to additional resources as well. See especially the article by Dana Durrance entitled Guilt: A Dangerous Villian. All of these contain suggestions for working through guilt.

 

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I am so sorry about your loss of Houdini.  I watch "My Cat From Hell" (Jackson, the cat authority), and everything you did to assure your Houdini's adjustment with the dog is exactly what he has taught as the way to bring about that adjustment.  I am so sorry it went wrong.  I hope you know you are in no way responsible for what happened, even though I know you feel that way.  It's just so sad that this was the outcome, it shouldn't have gone that way.  To have the pain of losing your beloved pet is hard enough, without feeling the additional burden of guilt.  I hope you read the links Marty posted and really take their words to heart.

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Thank you both for your kind words. Every day I cry a little less. The moments looking for humans finding him replay over and over in my mind.  I had to have my boyfriend take the dog elsewhere, and I'm not sure how I will handle it when the dog comes back. My daughter has moved to a friends and refuses to come back. She can't deal with seeing where her angel was so brutally hurt, and can not face the dog. The recording was very helpful. I will read more in the links also. I miss him so much, and just ache knowing how he suffered, so unfairly. Part of me wants to adopt another cat, give my love and save another angel, fill the hole in my heart. But I know that if the dog comes back, he will just harm that cat too. I crave the day I will genuinely smile and feel happy again.

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I'm so sorry.  Yes, it's probably best not to have another pet around the dog.  Has the dog ever shown signs of aggression before?  Was it accidental or did he try to kill it, do you know?  Is the dog safe around people?

This has got to be a really hard time for you, not only losing your cat, but dealing with all of the feelings about the home and the dog.  I'm just so sorry.  You might want to consider a grief counselor for you and your daughter.

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The dog has been fine around a family members dog, but has shown signs of aggression towards other animals. We were asleep when Houdini got out, and did not see what happened, only found him after the damage was done. The dog has never bit a person before, however I have always been concerned he may have been abused by previous owners. He constantly has his ears down and tail between his legs, even when my boyfriend comes home and comes to pet him. He always seems scared. I worry he may become too scared at some point and bite, and although my children are teenagers, it does worry me it could be one of them. 

I actually did schedule counseling for myself and my daughter already is in counseling and had an appointment set up for next week. Thank you for all of you advice.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine how traumatic it was for you and your daughter... The dog is probably not cat-safe - doesn't mean he is aggressive towards everything. I have a Greyhound (used to have 2) - Greyhounds are generally docile and not aggressive but some are not cat-safe. My Kura that passed this February was very gentle and calm but I don't think he was cat-friendly. Every time he saw cats, he reacted so I never let him go close to cats or cats come close to him. It's just some dogs are not cat-friendly, some can be trained to be, but some just can't. 

Houndini is beautiful... I hope counseling is helping you and your daughter. 

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When I got my dog, Kitty chose to become an outdoor cat for nearly two years...then one day decided to brave it in the house with the dog.  My dog has never been a problem to her, but she'll reach out an blop him for no reason sometimes.  (It hurts his feelings more than anything.)  It really depends on the dog and the cat involved.  Sometimes people learn too late, as in this case, and that is so sad for everyone involved.

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OH, my dear - what a dreadful scene that was to find Houdini that way.  He was such a gorgeous kitty.   I'm glad to hear you have counseling set up.   It is so difficult to lose  our special companions and doubly in this fashion.

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