I am suffering from Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm recently widowed, January 5th this year.  One of my two cats died within days of my husband and now I have to come to terms with releasing my horse from his earthly body.

It is just too much death, grief and sadness all in a short time.  

Losing my husband by suicide was very shocking to me and then for our Katie Cat to pass away so soon after was both very sad and very unreal.  She was a very sweet old kitty.  She loved to ride on the hood of the tractor when my husband was moving the manure pile or just put-put-putting around the property.  They were quite a pair.  They would sit together on the bench at the barn enjoying the sun or she would perch on a fence rail where he was standing.  The last picture of either one was actually taken by my husband.  It is a photo of their shadows on the barn wall.

Huckleberry is 9 years old and is my other cat who is still missing Katie.  I feel bad about that but I can't get another friend for her when my life is in this upheaval.  I also have two dogs and two horses.  My older horse has been with me for 12 years and he is in his 20's.  He is a Standardbred pacer off the track.  He had some injuries during his racing career that are now becoming a problem for him and for me.  He isn't comfortable and it's just getting worse.  He is a funny horse.  I could try to sell him or give him away but to me that isn't acceptable because when I got him it was for his lifetime.  I feel responsible to make the end of his life the best it can be and the only way to do that is for me to keep him in my care.  My decision is made and now it is a case of waiting until I can get everything organized.  I want him to have the summer to mosey around our acreage with my other horse.  

My post here is so that I can feel what I feel and have people who I can share my agony with.  I love my Dakota!  He can be such a jerk.  That's what attracted me to him was his jerkiness.  He has a presence that was and is 'my perfect dream horse since early childhood'.  He loves attention.  He acts stubborn but really he is a big softy.  Medicating him isn't a cure, it's just drugs and I fear that he will get silly then really hurt himself and suffer a horrible death.  When he crosses the rainbow bridge our Katie can welcome him.  And Foxy who was my first horse is there too.

Again, I'm losing so much of what I lived for.  I got Foxy in early September 2003 and was overjoyed to finally have a horse of my own.  She was about 27 and very kind.  On November 5th that year my father died.  He was my hero and Foxy helped me so much when that happened.  Dad was 91 and he just had worn out.  Even though it was not really a surprise it was awful to lose the one parent who actually loved me.  On March 5th '04 I received a call that Foxy had died.  I was so devastated.  The grief was almost unbearable.  I knew I was grieving my father and Foxy.  

My husband was wonderful.  He was my 'knight in shining coveralls'.  He did everything he could to comfort me.  I made a promise to Foxy that I would get another horse and I would do everything I could to make its life as good as she had made mine.  On April Fools I bought Dakota.  My dorky boy.  Now, my promise to Foxy is to make Dakota's life ending as peaceful and respectful as possible.

I want people to know that our furred, feathered, finned or scaled family are just as important to us as our human loved ones.

Marita

 

[iPraiseHim]

Marita, my prayers are with you.  It is a lot to deal with.  I don't have any answers. I hope you can remember all of the good times.  I believe the animals can sense our love and devotion to them. We all know it is all a part of the cycle of Life, but I still think Death sucks.  Shalom - George

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you George.  I'm in a bad way with this.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Although this isn't the best picture of my boy it is the one I took last night.  Huckleberry cat popped into the photo as well.

I really am going to miss him when the time comes for him to pass.

[kayc]

On 7/15/2016 at 11:10 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

My husband was wonderful.  He was my 'knight in shining coveralls'.

I love that!

Your Dakota is handsome.  I'm sure you'll find a friend of Huckleberry when you're ready.  Your cat is 9, mine is 20 and still is great shape.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you for the compliment, he knows he's handsome

Huckleberry caught a bat last night !  Pooooo!   Last year her and Katie caught 3 of them.  What a pain.  Now I will have to lock her in at night.  Rabies are rare here but there is always a possibility of it.

[kayc]

Does she have her rabies shot?

[Widowedbysuicide]

She does.  

i need a radio collar on her so the bats can hear her.  lol

[kayc]

I'm relieved to hear that!

[Crossmateo]

I am so sorry to hear how much loss you are sufferimg from. That is so much for one person. I hope you find comfort on here