Angry and lost

[Annie0707]

This is just one example but When my brother first died last month, an Aunty of ours told the world via Facebook and tagged us all in it. I hate her for that, she never attended the funeral to support my mam and said well I contributed to the funeral. I arranged the funeral with my mam and I'd rather throw the £50 back in her face. I hate Facebook and after the funeral I got so angry and told everyone to Fk off and that I hated everyone. I do. I deleted my account on Facebook and went through my phone deleting everyone, I don't want to see anyone or speak I'm waking in slow motion and feel pinned to the earth,

I don't want a relationship with anyone unless they were there for us all before, I hate this nightmare. 

[kayc]

I can understand your feelings.  This is a time you need to surround yourself with supportive people.  That said, try not to burn bridges too much, you're in a bad place right now and you might feel differently later on.  It's okay to take a break from them and give yourself time to process everything, just be careful not to over-isolate.  Even getting out and taking a walk every day can help.

I hope you are seeing a grief counselor.  You have a lot of anger and it would be good to have someone professionally trained in grief to help guide you through your grief as it's easy to feel overwhelmed and like you don't know where to start.

[Annie0707]

Thankyou for commenting, I am seeing my doctor today, I am just sad and no one understands it's been a month to them but the day replays over and over for me and time is just flying but I am stuck in a warp where time just stopped 

[kayc]

That's why most of us saw a grief counselor early on.  There's so much we have to deal with when we have a loss of this magnitude!

[MartyT]

You don't say exactly what caused your brother's death, but since you told us in another post that "he had been in rehab, was out on home visit and had only two weeks until his rehab was complete" may I assume that it was drug-related? If that was the case, then your grief is complicated by the social stigma attached to it, which can leave you feeling even more isolated, alone and angry. If you are interested, I can point you to some resources specifically aimed at this most difficult kind of loss. See, for example,

The Grief of an Overdose Death: Part 1
The Grief of an Overdose Death: Part 2

Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

Coping with Hidden Sorrow

[Annie0707]

Yes we haven't got the post mortem results yet but it was heroin. I don't think he intended to go, but with taking so much.. And with being in rehab and being clean, his heart could not take the dosage that he had, thanks for the response it is appreciated 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Annie. This happens way too often, and it is so tragic. My heart hurts for you . . . 

[Annie0707]

Thanks for the love MartyT, it was hard after his death but two days before his funeral my sister had a breakdown and tried to hang herself, she ended up in a mental hospital and so in between arranging a funeral, I was taking my sister clothes and speaking to her nurses not to mention social services, she has came out the other end and seems very strong now, It's nice to see her doing so well and I think after everything it just cuts deeper every time and I am trying to balance myself out with meditation and solitude, I need to build up my strength to be the mam my children always knew, and I will get stronger, it's just hard as my little brother just died and if I could pause the world for a while that would help the process, I want to let my sadness come when it flows but I don't want the immense pain that I feel in my heart. My trip to the doctor was good today I'm pleased I pushed myself to go 

[MartyT]

Good for you, Annie. I'm pleased that you pushed yourself to go, too. You will need that sort of pushing yourself as you continue to work your way through this difficult journey of grief. It is a marathon, not a sprint, and it will require more conscious and deliberate effort than you ever imagined.

I don't know how old your children are, but please know that it's okay for them to see you in your sadness ~ as long as you explain that the source of your sadness is the loss of your beloved brother, and not anything they have said or done, or failed to do. Kids just need reassurance that you love them and will be there to care for them no matter what. They are perfectly capable of understanding that you are sad, and knowing that you have good reason to be.

I too wish we could pause the world for a while when we are grieving. I think that's one of the hardest things about it ~ Life goes on around us as if nothing important has happened. It does not stop even though it feels as if our world has collapsed completely. 

[Annie0707]

My children are 5 and 7, they are beautiful and clever. I sat them down when he died and told them they might see mammy ok some days and crying the next but it's only because my brother has died, they have been so lovely and said when I laugh and smile at them they forget I ever cried, when I cry they kiss me on the head and say it's ok to cry mama, and it fills me with love in the place that is torn in my heart they both and my husband seem to kiss my wounds, it's true that I'm hurting I feel it's so real but I feel him too so I know he is still around me, I know he was my brother, my friend and also teacher, I will grow from this, love to you also on this path we cross and meet 

[Widowedbysuicide]

You sound like a wonderful lady.  I am so sorry you have lost your brother.

I am an only child who always wanted a big brother so I can't really imagine all of what you are feeling.  It sounds like your husband and your children are a great support for you and that is wonderful when the rest of the world is such a mess.

There is almost always someone on here.  We come to tell our stories and to listen with true compassion and without judgement to the stories of others.  We seek and return compassion and understanding.  This is a place where we can talk about our lost loved ones.  We can say their names and talk about good times and the times that weren't so good.

Welcome to the last place you want to be, I hope you will find what you need here like so many of us have.

Marita

[Annie0707]

Thank you marita, this is my nest for now, today I have to socialise- my daughter is at the dentist... Turning on protective going out the house bubble...  hugs 

Annie

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Annie0707 said:

if I could pause the world for a while that would help the process

Oh I hear you there!