Bubbling right beneath the surface...

[mittam99]

Grief has change me. Changed all of us. Now, before you start thinking "Ok, Captain Obvious tell us something we don't know", let me try to explain. I'm not talking about the loss of love or the loss of companionship or the lost of intimacy that goes along with losing your soul mate. I'm not going to write about the inherent emptiness and loneliness or sense of meaninglessness we all feel. This post is about sadness. An all encompassing, never-ending sadness that is there bubbling right beneath the surface all the time.

In my life, I've always been an optimistic person. It's just the way I think. When my dad was diagnosed with leukemia, I hoped against hope that he would survive. When my mom faced cancer, I was there by her side and thinking she'd be OK. And I never imagined my beautiful Tammy would die. I always truly thought she would get better. Everyone I've ever loved and who loved me is gone, and I'm facing this life ahead, alone. But somehow, some way I still try to think in a hopeful and somewhat optimistic way. It's how I'm wired.

Something has changed in me, though. To others, I still come across as the same nice, funny, happy go lucky guy that would give you the shirt off his back to help. And that is who I am. But below the surface, ready to pop out at any moment is that deep underlying sadness that, in effect, has become a part of me. I know why it's there of course. Tammy was simply everything I ever wanted and needed. She was perfect for me in every way. And the overwhelming sadness is a testament of how powerful our love was and how much I miss her.

This deep sadness will be with me forever. The grief waves that pop out of nowhere will continue to do so as long as I'm on this earth. No doubt about it. The tears I shed are tears of love and affection. But, along with that constant sadness and longing for the past, I have to function in the here and now. I have to try to make a life for myself even though it will never be anything close to the wonderful life I had with Tammy.

Just today at work someone who hadn't seen me in a while asked me if I was "OK". My response? "I'm as OK as I'm going to be".  So it goes in this grief journey.

Mitch

[iPraiseHim]

Thanks, Mitch.  You definitely know how to make a grown man cry....

I started out in life negative, pessimistic, worried, dazed and confused.  Gradually I learned to see the positive in every situation and hope for the future. Six months before meeting Rose Anne, I saw a Psychiatrist and was diagnosed as a uni-polar ( I was just always down). { There was no blood test done... just his surmising my problem} In three months.  my moods were elevated and I began to have a brighter outlook on life.  My work proficiency improved, etc..

When I met and fell in love with my beautiful wife,  all of my desires, wishes, and dreams came true. I stopped taking the medicine because of the side affects and Rose Anne couldn't believe that I could have every had a down day. She said she has always seen me happy  ( because I was!).  I was happy and joyous for almost twenty six years with her by my side.

Now my life is totally different. Saturday was actually the first good day I have had in a long time.  I now know how death can rip the fabric of life right out of your heart.  I chose to live in today, as best as I can.  I fight loneliness and lack of companionship.  This weekend, i actually began to do some cleanup and that feels good to accomplish.  

Rose Anne said many times that if she died first that I should get remarried because I don't do well when I am alone.  I can not wrap my head around that concept yet since I still just only want to be with Rose Anne.  I am not gonna rush into anything.  I plan to continue to live each day and deal with whatever happens now.  It is when I think about the past or the future that I can get myself twisted up. - Shalom   

[Gin]

Mitch and George,

Things are the same here.  I am so very sad.  I only had my beloved Al for about 17 years, but we were everything to each other.  I also thought that he would pull thru the latest bouts of illness.  We kept talking as though he was coming home.  Two friends who we only saw every few months recently told me that they knew they would never see him again.  He was so weak.  When you see them every day maybe you do not notice the slow deterioration.  Every few months makes the decline more obvious.  I spend so much time alone, and I am having a hard time.  Belong to two book clubs, so that fill some time, but not enough.  Health issues have reared their ugly head to make getting around hard.  But, here we all are doing the best we can,. I am glad you and all our other friends are here for us.

Gin

[rdownes]

Mitch of course we will always have the sadness our soulmates are gone I smile very rarely now only because am always sad I know we have to live each day and try to find our peace but it is not easy for any of us I think we do the best we can and it is all we can do, we will have good and bad days but  one day we will see our soulmates again. I know your words have personally helped me through many a hard night I know your Tammy is smiling down on you and proud of the caring person you are.

[Polly]

Yep, the sadness is always there. No matter how hard I try at times to go and have some fun, the sadness is still there. I also at times have someone at work ask me if I'm ok. I usually say something similar to what you did Mitch. Then I think to myself, does my grief really show that much? I guess it does.

[Margm]

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

"I'm as OK as I'm going to be"

Now that is the best answer you can give.  That ought to even be good to use around the work place.  No curse words used.  And, its the truth.  

[Dew's Girl]

I've found that I am more selfish than I used to be.  Selfish might not be the right word.  Before I always put everyone else before myself.  Now I am much more comfortable saying no or skipping things that I would have felt obligated to go to.  I'm much more focused on my feelings and needs than I have ever been in my life up to now.

I also find that it is much easier for me to get lethargic or dispirited than ever before.  Even when I think I am doing well, I can easily slip back into spending an entire day staring into space or at the TV if I am not careful.  When something challenging happens (maybe a household task that Daniel would have handled or a special date) I can end up wasting entire days just lying around in a funk.  This is definitely not like I used to be, which was happy and bouncy. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Amy I sure can relate to some of those changes.

I'm not sure if I would call it selfishness but I certainly know that my needs must come first.  I'm the only one left to look after me so it is a priority to stay well to stay healthy.  I think of it as survival care.

And under it all the sadness is there.

[CharKath]

Ive been wanting to unload things for awhile now, but i've just been to exhausted and down to do it. I'm in my third week of slideing downhill. Everything I do or accomplish has no satisfaction or happiness to it. Its just done and then what else can I do to stay busy? This ball of sadness and misery never goes away or gets any better. There's no point to all of this. And I don't want to keep feeling this way for another fifteen years or so till the end. I can't take that. I read somewhere how I'll be a stronger person after this. Why is finally accepting that my life is always going to suck till the end making me stronger? Someone who's happily married thought that up. I've been feeling like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When I can be with my friends its better, but by myself  I just feel lousy and i want this ride to be over with. This black cloud won't stop following me and now they are calling for two days of rain. Being stuck in this house will be no good. I want to ask Charley so many things. I want to tell him so many things. He needed me and I needed him. I want a hug and a kiss and that pat on the back. It gave me courage and strength and more importantly, the will to live. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

The depressive parts of grief really suck!

I have issues with depression that go back a long way.  I was doing ok with my meds and with working on living better.  Then along came death and grief.  I tried to get my mental health people to help me with the depression but they sent me for grief counselling.  Kind of passing the buck!  It is so difficult to deal with anything when you are depressed.  Fortunately my family doctor increased my Paxil and it gave my brain the needed boost - thank God because I was headed to a major breakdown!

Once my meds kicked in and I could work my program I was then able to deal with the grief.  I was so overwhelmed with the depression I really didn't think I would ever see the light again.  My grief councellor is excellent and I am coping and doing as well as expected for just under 8 months.

For your well being I hope you can reach out and find some help.  You don't have to do everything on your own, I'm here to be your cheerleader!  You are a great lady and you deserve to feel better.

Marita

[CharKath]

I actually told my counsler what has been running through my head here lately and she wanted me to go see my doctor. But I'm not big on them (or dentists). I'm trying to stay on this side of the line. I must admit I am stareing straight down on it now. Everything is so overwhelming. This is my first major loss and it would be the most precious one in my life. Being empty and lonely and just existing isn't really living. And working my butt off so I can pay taxes isn't rewarding either. It just seems so pointless right now.

[MartyT]

If your counselor wants you to go see your doctor, Kathie, I hope you will do it. Your counselor knows you quite well by now, I am sure, and wouldn't be suggesting this if it weren't important for you.  ♥

[KATPILOT]

That line is broader than you might think Kathie. You don't have to cross it to benefit from it. I've walked the line before. Once you start walking, it becomes easier to keep your balance.

[Margm]

16 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

 

I've found that I am more selfish than I used to be.  

 

I feel more selfish.  I want to be selfish, but I still lay on the floor and let people walk over me.  Vulnerable???  Maybe, but if that is true, Billy and I both were always vulnerable.

[mittam99]

16 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

I've found that I am more selfish than I used to be.  Selfish might not be the right word.  Before I always put everyone else before myself.  Now I am much more comfortable saying no or skipping things that I would have felt obligated to go to.  I'm much more focused on my feelings and needs than I have ever been in my life up to now.

I'm right there with you, Amy. But, it's really not selfishness as much as it is self-preservation. We've been through the worst, most tragic event in our lives. We've lost just about everything we held dear. At times during this journey it feels like we're holding on for dear life. So, we tend to only do things that we know we're comfortable doing. We deserve that choice. And honestly, it's the right thing to do. Attempting to maintain our sanity at this point is a pretty smart thing.

[kayc]

21 hours ago, mittam99 said:

"I'm as OK as I'm going to be".

I think we all reach that point, but it does get better, danged if it doesn't take a long while!
 

 

17 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

I've found that I am more selfish than I used to be.

I think instead of "selfish" I think of it as self-aware and giving myself the self care I've long needed & neglected.
 

[Froggie4635]

Everything that has been said here, I completely relate to.  The issue with me is I have this totally negative voice that lives in my head and instead of being supportive, tells me that I am just being lazy and unmotivated.  I read the phrase empty shell, and that describes exactly how I feel.  And I read somewhere else about feeling so much older now.  When I was with Mark, I felt so much younger and believed  I could take on the world, with him by my side.  It has been 20 months and I feel like I have aged 20 years.  I am a little younger in age than many people who post here, but I do not feel that way.  I also understand the "selfish" term.  Now, I have been declining invitations more recently due to not feeling well physically (creating some fear) and the extreme heat here in Houston this summer.  Thank goodness we are now halfway through August and really only need to face September before the cooler temps come.  I hope by then I will find my motivation.  I watch a LOT of television (escaping) and then hate myself for wasting so much time.  I just can't find the thing that will pull me out of this.  I try so much to give "permission" and be understanding and accepting and allow myself...but that voice that almost tries to shame me for being so passive is VERY powerful.  I don't have the strength to stand up to it; it takes everything I have to go out into the world and function at work so I can eat and pay the bills.  I can say these things to you all, because you all understand, have or currently are still experiencing the same.  Mark's absence is a HUGE presence in my life.  I begin to wonder should I still be feeling this way.  I want so much to measure myself against some chart that can let me know I have felt this way long enough, to check off the final thing that allows me to move to a different level.  I am not sure who I am waiting to give me permission, to have the authority I need to tell me it is OKAY to feel sad this way, and unmotivated and stay to myself.  I know I am the only person whose permission I need...and I can't seem to be okay with that.  What does one do?

[kayc]

21 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

I begin to wonder should I still be feeling this way.

How you are feeling is how you feel, there are no "shoulds" on our grief journeys.  This IS normal to feel this way, it is hard to feel motivated.  It does not mean we are lazy!  The only authority you need is your own, you have permission to feel how you do.

Maryann, you've kept going to work, you keep up what you need to do, and it takes so much energy just to process this grief, I rather imagine that's where it's gone...that and the heat.  I'm hating this heat too and welcome Autumn's entrance!

[brat#2]

Maryann, I know exactly how you feel.  I use to always be doing something, either inside the house, outside the house, going places and now I don't want to do anything.  I have no motivation and I feel guilty for that.  My doctor just today told me that I'm doing good.  It is natural to feel this way, but since I continue to do what needs to be done and that is a HUGE step.  I guess what I'm saying and what I heard and read here, we have that right to do what we can and if we can't that is ok too.  

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, brat#2 said:

I use to always be doing something, either inside the house, outside the house, going places and now I don't want to do anything. I have no motivation and I feel guilty for that. 

Joyce, in this grief journey, guilt is understandably one of those things that tends to gnaw at us. I'm talking about guilt related to our loved ones death and what we could have or should have done differently. Of course that guilt is based on hindsight and it doesn't do us any good.

On the other hand, guilt about feeling motivated in the here and now? Now that's something I've never felt. I mean, I'm living this life without Tammy by my side, without her love and her hugs and her kisses and her encouragement and her understanding and her smile and her laugh...on and on. So, if I feel the need to lay around and be a bum, so be it. I'm not going to beat myself up over that. And honestly, you shouldn't either.

We all are coping the best we can after life threw our world into the abyss.

Mitch

[brat#2]

3 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

guilt about feeling motivated in the here and now?

We all are coping the best we can after life threw our world into the abyss.

 

Mitch, I'm not sure "guilt" is the right word to use, but when there are things to do around the house and outside and I don't feel like doing it or just plain don't do it, I feel like I'm letting someone (mainly me, I think) down.  It's really hard to explain.  I had pride in myself and Dale did too, in the way I would take care of things, now I'm lucky to lightly clean the house, let alone do any major cleaning or any major projects.  But I'm trying to be happy with the fact that I get up every morning, do the few things that need to be done, pay the bills and try to take care of myself, but it's hard, especially when you don't have the special someone telling you that you are doing good.  I'm sure you all know what I mean.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

I know exactly what you mean, Joyce.

You're doing what you need to do. That's what matters. No doubt Dale is looking down from heaven and is still very proud of his woman.

[brat#2]

Thanks, Mitch.

 

[Gwenivere]

I sure can relate to what you said, Joyce.  I miss being the energetic go getter I was.  I don't know who this person I am is anymore.  Well, I kinda do, but I don't like it.  I looked forward to doing all I did around here to keep our house pretty pristine, Which was always helped by Steve doing his thing of leaving evidence of his shiny object syndrome and things abandoned.  It created a purpose in our balance.  Now I look around as see things don't change.  I even miss teasing him about the work he crested for me.  He always made me feel good about it too.  Saying he wanted for nothing as he never ran out if anything and things were always back in their place.  I try and keep up the routine, but it feels so empty.  It's wierd knowing I can skip something now, or it takes so little time and gives little reward.  Days were just full living together.  Now, they drag by.  

[brat#2]

2 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I try and keep up the routine, but it feels so empty.  It's wierd knowing I can skip something now, or it takes so little time and gives little reward.  Days were just full living together.  Now, they drag by.  

Oh that is so true, Gwen.