Bubbling right beneath the surface...

[Margm]

We always watched the Razaorbacks together, as a family.  They enjoyed their Dad's reactions.  Sometimes he was loud.  He had lost hearing in one ear entirely.  I could not muster up much initiative to watch this year.  Last night though, TCU was supposed to beat Arkansas by some 50 points or so.  In the 2nd overtime I found myself looking upward and repeating Billy's favorite thing to say "It's time for an interception."  There was no interception, but we still won.  Knocked TCU out of the top 25 and put us at #25.  The season is just beginning.  For some reason, I felt Billy had the best seat at the game.  

I have never been a Cowboy fan.  Of course, Drew Brees and the NO Saints are/have been our team.  By chance, the quarterback that took Romo's place is from Haughton, just about 10-15 miles from where I live.  He is a rookie.  He was Billy's nephew's son's best friend in high school.  I had to pull for the Cowboys.  He did great, but NO and the Cowboys both lost by one point..  It is not near as much fun without Billy, but I will watch.

I put off watching Longmire.  We knew Netflix had picked it up.  I did catch myself up on it though.  I keep telling myself what he repeated often.  I am him and he is me.  Well, WE read that book he did not get to finish and WE were able to  concentrate.  (Last book I could concentrate on), but he and I enjoyed Longmire last night and WE will watch the new season beginning September 23rd.  

I'm in a better place for some reason.  Not sure it will last.  Getting too close to the year mark..  My little grandma survived about 30 years after she lost her beloved that she missed every day.  I read her book as a young adult.  I reread it as an old widow.  I saw a lot of us in her book.  I read her telling about people telling her to go on trips, date again (she was only 55 when he passed away, he was 12 years older.) Of course that would never have happened. 

I sat with her when she was semiconscious as she was dying from another cancer.  She had had the radiation, she had surgery, she had overall sepsis, she had a nervous breakdown (all before she was even 30) (she mentions none of these in her book), but the main refrain is how much she missed him.  When she was mumbling going in and out of consciousness I heard her say "I couldn't be a wife to him."  Somehow having seven children in ten years and raising  his two young brothers and a sister.  I think she was a "wife" to him.  But, even after nearly 30 years after his death, she still had guilt. So, we are going to feel what we are going to feel.  And, if we live long enough, we might feel it for a number of years.  But she survived.  The grief was a big weight, but she still survived.  No matter how much family we have, no matter how many friends, there are some things we have to handle alone.  We can commiserate with each other, but it is our grief to carry.  Hopefully, like Steve, we will have moments of clarity.     

[Patty65]

Oh Mitch, I totally understand.  The joy truly has the flipside woven into it so, so tightly.

Last week my business partner and I went to a liquidation sale.  In the lobby they had a sample of the beds from the rooms -- high end resort.  $225 for a full king set looking brand new.  How long we had searched, not wanting to spend $5K on a new mattress set.  I sat on the bed, excited at the price.  Then involuntarily I cried out, in front of everyone, "OH Where is my HUSBAND???" and started crying.  My poor business partner.  It's random, but it's not.  It is just woven into EVERYTHING.

Hugs,

Patty

[kayc]

Oh Patty, your post struck a chord with me, I could feel your anguish!    It's just so dang hard!  And unfair.

[mittam99]

That ever present pain that bubbles right beneath the surface...

I got home from work today, tired as always and took my little afternoon nap. As I awoke from my slumber, my first thought (as I opened my eyes) was "how could my sweet Tammy have died??!!!". And I screamed out her name in agony. The pain rocked me to my core.

And then, I went on with my day, functioning the best I can.

So goes my life without Tammy by my side (but always in my heart).

[Polly]

Yesterday as I was driving to work Garth Brooks song, "The Dance" came on the radio. It made me burst out crying. Got to work and tried to pull myself together. It didn't really work that well. I was supposed to work from 830am-2pm then I was to leave and go to a meeting an hour and a half away. This meeting was for people that they feel should move up in the company. As the day went on I was still in a horrible place. I just wanted to go home. When 2pm rolled around, instead of leaving for the meeting I went into the office and just told the Asst. store mgr the truth. I fought back the tears but told her there was no way that I was in a good place to go. I told her that if I can't give 110% that I wasn't going to try to move up in the company right now. She told me I didn't have to go. It's crazy how 1 song pulled me down for the whole day.

[mittam99]

Polly I've come to realize that the pain will be right below the surface for the rest of our lives. Our love and our connection was that deep to our soul mate. I think in time you'll see that although the triggers are always there (and the tears will come easily), you will "recover" from them more quickly. I find myself bursting out in tears, and then, minutes later, it's back to "regular programming" so to speak. But, I'm 18 months in. A year ago, I'd be a wreck all day.

[Margm]

Polly, I would have cried all day.  My daughter cannot understand me.  I know that Roger Miller is gone and when I was driving with my daughter she was just amazed that she had to turn off "trailers for sale or rent, rooms to let 50 cents." because I started crying.  

[Polly]

Mitch,

Thanks. I sure hope so. I'm only at 10 and a half months.

[Polly]

1 minute ago, Marg M said:

Polly, I would have cried all day.  My daughter cannot understand me.  I know that Roger Miller is gone and when I was driving with my daughter she was just amazed that she had to turn off "trailers for sale or rent, rooms to let 50 cents." because I started crying.  

Oh I felt like I could have cried all day but I was at work and I don't like to cry in front of people. My co-workers tried to stay away from me. They knew I was not in the mood.

[Gin]

Yesterday I went to the health club and saw someone that Al and I used to see there.  He also played the clarinet in a local band  that we used to go see.  I went up to him and asked how he was.  I have seen him a few times since Al died.  He is getting up in years and evidently forgot.  He asked me where Al was.  I had to tell him again and it bothered me all day.

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

 He is getting up in years and evidently forgot.  He asked me where Al was.  I had to tell him again and it bothered me all day.

Gin, I know those moments when you have to tell someone Al died are so very hard. Sometimes, it will turn a "good day" into a miserable one. I'm so sorry.

Hugs.

[Froggie4635]

Sad emotions are not the only things that bubble under the surface.  I had myself a nice little outburst at work because the cleaning crew threw away my empty water bottle.  I know I should just bring a refillable water bottle from home once again.  When the person at work whom I made my complaint to suggested that I put the empty bottle in the cabinet over my desk...I lost it.  I was angry because I shouldn't have to REMEMBER to put my empty bottle away so it doesn't get removed from my desk.  They don't really clean the desks anyway, given the large dust bunnies lurking behind my monitors.  I know it is more than losing an empty bottle...but I still blew my top like a tea kettle.  I think I am involving myself in too many things ,and dealing with changes that are overwhelming.  I am still trying to get my blood sugar under control, so that my vision will get better....and the changes I have made to my diet should be resulting in weight coming off....but it is NOT and I am frustrated because now I can't eat those things that brought me comfort and the end result is LOTS of built up anger.  I used to tell Mark that I rarely got angry; that when I acted MAD, it was usually because I was scared.  So now I am wondering am I afraid?  Things have been going along at a very good clip, and for the most part I have been doing well.  But I also know that summer is ending, and with the fall comes all those BIG dates.  Mark's mom was having a plumbing issue, and it just reminded me that he is not here to do all those little things.  UGH...

[mittam99]

The sadness bubbling right below the surface is a given for all of us. We are forever changed by the events that occurred on the day our beloved died. It's the other feelings, thoughts and emotions that seem to differ from individual to individual. For example, I've gone through much guilt relating to Tammy's death. Wondering why and if I did everything perfectly. Beating myself up at times. I wonder if this is due to my being a perfectionist and worrying about every last detail. Some never feel a sense of guilt. Others, like Maryann mentioned, have anger burst to the surface. Some don't. It seems to me that grief triggers not just the sadness but so many other emotions that are already bottled up inside us and it exacerbates them. Everyone's personality is different and so are their emotional reactions in grief. In other words, grief changes us in many ways but ultimately we are who we are. Just a sadder version. 

[Margm]

Do not know how to delete the whole thing, but what I meant to say belonged under another heading.   

[mittam99]

Marg, I think the bubbling just beneath the surface phrase I came up with is pretty apt for all emotions in grief. It's as if the death of our loved one has put every single feeling and emotion inside us on "high alert". And these emotions that used to be much more controlled have now bubbled close to the surface and can/will explode at ANY time. And usually when you least expect it.

[Margm]

I deleted my short answer, it belongs under another heading.  

[kayc]

22 hours ago, mittam99 said:

"how could my sweet Tammy have died??!!!". And I screamed out her name in agony.

I get the pain, been there, too many times.

21 hours ago, Polly said:

"The Dance" came on the radio. It made me burst out crying. Got to work and tried to pull myself together. It didn't really work that well.

I'm glad you canceled going to the meeting, you probably weren't in a state to retain anything anyway.

21 hours ago, Gin said:

He asked me where Al was.  I had to tell him again and it bothered me all day.

That's hard.  It's bad enough telling people once, but to have to repeat it!

8 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

I am still trying to get my blood sugar under control, so that my vision will get better....and the changes I have made to my diet should be resulting in weight coming off....but it is NOT

You're not alone, Maryann, I'm eating just as healthy as I did last year and the weight I'd lost came back on.  Part of it is a Rx the doctor put me on (causes weight gain), but still!