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Back Into The Fear-hole; Back To Square One


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As of yesterday, I've fallen right back into the fear I've feared so much, if you can understand that....being fearful of fear itself! I can barely breath today, because yesterday we took our darling fur-girl to the vet...and got extremely bad news. As if her condition wasn't bad enough already, as if there wasn't already enough illness and care that I had to worry about, and unfailingly provide throughout every single day, we ended up doing some tests and finding out her blood pressure was right off the scale ( 280 and 260, when it should be around 80 or so! ), so high that it's already at least partially, if not entirely, detached one of her retinas, rendering her pretty much blind in one eye, and also having to deal with catatacts in both eyes! This is on top of her chronic renal failure, osteoarthritis, and chronic interstitial cystitis!!! We start BP medicine ( not w/o its own risks and side-effects ) tomorrow, as the pharmacist couldn't compound it in time today. Then it will be back to the vet's in a wk's time, to recheck the dosage and see if it's even helping. We also now have to give her sub-cu. fluids regularly, and after she almost got stabbed in a vital organ with the needle yesterday ( from a different way of giving them that we decided to try while someone else could demonstrate it for us ), it's very iffy that she'll allow us to help her this way anyway.

This is akin to, but even worse, since WE have to be the nurses to her, than the feelings I went through only 2 years ago, with my Mom so ill with too many conditions to keep track of. And worse, too, because....this is my BABY! My joy, my love, my world....my everything! This scenario is even worse than all the ones I've dreamed up in my head, in trying to prepare myself for her kidneys eventually shutting down, and what that would mean in terms of care, suffering, decisions on her behalf....oh, God....I never imagined she and we would be saddled with even MORE problems!

I'm so afraid, to think, to do the necessary research that I'm known for doing on her behalf, to feel....the FEAR, consuming me right now, more intense than what I felt for my own Mother, because with THIS, almost everything IS in my own, two, motherly hands. And I'm always supposed to stay as calm as possible around her, so as not to pass on these terrible vibes -- cats are ultra-sensitive to them, and especially when they're coming from their own loved ones. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. These past 2 years have been hard enough, trying to grieve w/o upsetting her too much. Now I want to scream, at Mothergod, for making this reality worse than my original fears, to run away, from all this heartache, anxiety and worry, grief and...FEAR!!! I want to cloister myself away, or fall asleep and never have to wake up again. If even ONE, insensitive clod says to me, "Well, what can you expect? She's OLD!", I think I shall punch them in the face, with no regrets! She's my BABY!! How could I feel anything LESS?!?! Had I, or her 2 vets, suspected anything like this judging from her behaviour, I would have had her in the clinic 2 months ago, before things got this bad!

I forced myself to stay calm yesterday, truly believing that if I did so, things wouldn't be as bad as I'd imagined, and I'd be able to handle the news we were half-expecting. But we got THIS instead, for all my efforts. This was my 'reward', for all the hard work I've put into griefwork and all it entails. I cannot, at all, be positive now, for FEAR something else hideous is lurking in the shadows, waiting until I let my worry-guard down, readying itself to visit even more pain and suffering on me, on my sweet, little bundle. I feel paralyzed...with fear. I'd also better not ever hear that hackneyed, old phrase ever again - "God only gives you as much as you're able to handle." Because if this is what comes out of growth and courage, then I want no PART of it! I'd rather stay the same, and have less horrible things happen to the ones I love. Let me handle LESS, not more!! I used to quake in fear just hearing about others whose cats or dogs had numerous, difficult to deal with conditions, and wonder -- HOW do those poor people contend with all that?! I never could....and now I'm one of them...but I'm not handling it very well. There's no courage inside me. There's only FEAR, and more sorrow than I feel capable of dealing with yet. I'm such a mess, I can barely express myself properly - it's not even coming out right, and for me, that's NOT normal. I just want to give up. This physical world stinks.

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Guest Shell Louise

Dear Sweet Maylissa,

I'm so sorry. You have helped so many people. Such a kind wise soul you are. I pray and hope for you and your fur-baby. Maylissa don't give up you are so very needed more than you will ever know, not just by your baby. I have read your post for so long, and know you have been thru so much already. It is very obvious that you are such a good Mom. You will do the right thing, you will do your research and you will do a great job for your little one. Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts. People say dumb things more often than not, I know how you feel about punching someone in the face. Myself, have had to walk away from people many times these past months. Maybe I'll punch them in the face next time myself, funny you say that (not ha ha funny) in my dream the other night that is what I did and it felt damn good, even if was just a dream. Thank you for being you!

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Maylissa,

We have so much in common, with our fur babies. One of my babies had just about everything in the world...diabetes, thyroid operation, renal failure, mega colon, just to name a few. When he first got diabetes, I knew I would have to give him insulin shots. I am (or was) terrified of needles, would go week at the knees just seeing one. Well, the first few months I gave him his shots (twice a day) I would be shaking so badly I could hardly get the insulin in the syringe. I would take a deep breath and somehow walk into the bedroom just as calm as could be and give hime his shot. Like you said, cats are VERY astute at feeling your moods. I had to stay calm and because I loved him so much I did, but not easily! I also had to give him sub cu. and that was so stressful. The needles are huge and it is so scary. But I managed, somehow. I did all of this, plus give him medicines ten times a day for three years. I don't know how I made it through, but it is just love. And I know that you will manage too. I have no doubt about it. And as Spela said, I love your posts and read every one. You have helped me too.

There is a book called "The New Natural Cat" by Anitra Frazier that gives excellent advice on giving sub cus. It saved my life! It is like my bible and you might check it out. It has some great advice on everything and seems like a book you would really like.

I will send positive thoughts to you and your fur-girl. I truly, truly know the fear, and all the other emotions, you are feeling. But you will get through it and be there for her and you will do all the right things. Your love for her will take over.

Hugs to both of you and keep us posted,

Shell

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My dear Maylissa,

I too wish I could say something to ease your pain and alleviate your fear, but all I can do is add my voice to assure you that you are not alone, and we care deeply about you. You have extended your kindness and compassion to so many on this site, and we are right here beside you when you need us to extend the same to you.

I don't know if you're familiar with the work of Rita Reynolds; she is a dear friend and fellow animal lover, whose work and writings have inspired me and brought me great personal comfort. (Rita is the founder of an animal sanctuary located in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains near Charlottesville, VA; she's also the founder and editor of laJoie, The Journal in Appreciation of All Animals, and she is currently working to establish a community hospice program for animals and their human families.) There is an excerpt from her book, Blessing the Bridge: What Animals Teach Us about Death, Dying and Beyond, that appears on her Blessing the Bridge Web site, which I think will speak to you and what you're experiencing with your beloved fur baby, Maylissa, and which I pray will bring you some small measure of comfort. You'll find the excerpt here: Excerpt.

Please know that all of us are holding you in gentle thought and prayer.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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Thanks, Spela, Shell and Marty, for all your compassion and desire to help me during this terrible blow. I've been busy starting that research and it's been so stressful, finding out that my gal's BP should have been checked out long ago, seeing as she has renal failure and high BP is related to this disease. Plus, all the other things I could have done at home, had I known her eyesight was affected by cataracts. And MY vets are considered to be better than most, yet neither one did what would have been best for her. So now I'm angry as well! We pay them huge dollars for their specialized expertise and yet....

Overall, the more I read, the more scared I'm getting -- it's not good news, and it sounds like she's most likely lost her sight in one eye for good, as no meds. were started w/i the 3 days they recommend from the time the retina detaches. And I'm partly to blame, too, as I didn't rush her in as soon as I noticed she was having some trouble. But on the other hand, neither did one vet tell me to do so, even though I'd told him about her eyes seeming worse. Everyone just put it down to old age changes.

As for Rita Reynolds' book, yes, I've had it for years now ( we'd talked about this before in another forum, Marty ), and have been trying to slowly reread it, to prepare myself and to ingrain some of her wise advice. But it's a hard read for me, as I just end up crying, it's so poignant and touching, and of course reminds me of losing Sabin. I can't even seem to practice deep breathing when I'm in the midst of these fears and as for hearing any inner wisdom, or advice from angels or other beings, that almost never happens, as I'm too scared. I normally have rather good intuition, but this time, it didn't even kick in until things were already well advanced. That's what happens with me when I'm either depressed or grieving, and that certainly doesn't help combat the self-doubt we all fight regarding our inner knowings.

Anyway, we began the meds. yesterday and will have to return to the vet's next week to check things out. In the meantime, I'm compiling my usual round of questions, questions, questions, and should also be talking to her other vet this coming week, before the recheck. I'm doing what I can, but knowing much of it is already a lost cause is breaking my heart. For a perfectionistic mom, this isn't easy for me to take....I've let my 'daughter' down, by getting so tired of struggling that I wasn't as vigilant as I normally am, and she's now the one to pay the highest price. While I realize that w/o my last push to have her checked, she would have gotten even sicker and may have just died suddenly, that seems like small comfort when I could have done so much more and saved her sight and a large part of her overall health, had I just gone in a month or so ago instead. I'd always felt I failed my boy by not knowing enough, not pushing hard enough with the doc's, not researching his symptoms enough beforehand....and now I seem to have made the same mistake again, which makes me feel like a bad mom, filled with guilt.....AGAIN. I trusted her 2 vets, I trusted the Universe, and wanted a small break from taking on all the responsibility of trying to play 'doc', and THIS is what happened. So now I'm also right back into my usual mode of not trusting anyone or anything, especially any God, to take good care of us. It's no small wonder I'm filled with fear!

But I thank you all for being here to try to prop me up as best you can. Any and all support I can get for this is precious to me. :wub:

Sorry, Shell Louise! Thanks to you, too! ( and especially for the compliments and vote of confidence ) Watch out for those dreams where you punch someone out, though....I once had a dream like that, too, but ended up punching the edge of the night table!! OUCH!!! :o

Edited by Maylissa
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Maylissa,

I've been thinking about you and just wanted to ask you how you're doing. No, nothing of this is your fault. You're doing the best you can. You're not the one who is "supposed to know" everything - even the vets didn't! Don't lose your faith, people and animals with chronical diseases can still live a happy life! Let us know hor you two are doing.

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Guest Shell Louise

Dear Maylissa,

Just wanted to let you know still thinking of you. As I said before you have given so much to the people here. Even though I'm new to posting here, you have my support also. You didn't know, dear person you are. We trust in our doctors and vets. Our little furry ones can not tell us, with everything else going on how could you have. Thinking of you. Keep us posted. Even though I don't know you, still feel like I do the way you have poured out you sweet soul. For some reason I can not reg here so you will always see me just as a guest.

Shell Louise

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Maylissa,

I too, have trusted vets that I later realized didn't do the right thing or know what the h*** they were doing! I understand your anger. I am also a person who researches everything. I learned that I had to be informed so I could judge what the vets were doing, but sometimes we still have to trust them and don't know what else to do . You are not to blame, please don't feel that way. The most important thing that your baby has is YOU and your love. That will carry them a long way. My little guy I told you about lived a lot longer than anyone expected and I swear it was just from my love for him and his love for me. So your little one may do better than you think.

Hugs to you both,

Shell

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Shell,

I'm so glad you, too, realize how fallible those doc's ( animal and human ) can be - I don't have to explain myself now. The thing I'm finding so hard to accept is that I chose these 2 vets because of their supposed extensive knowledge in holistic fields, and we pay dearly for that 'expertise'....and here, they're not using it when it really counts!! It's too big a reminder of how I was left with too little support and guidance when our Sabin was dying, and I swore this wouldn't repeat itself for our little Nis'....and now I see it may be no different!! I'm SO worried!! The 'what if's' are constant companions now and it's driving me over the edge.

Read more yesterday, getting angrier and angrier all the time, with finding out how many signs of hypertension she'd been exhibiting for a few months, and with her CRF, they just SHOULD have KNOWN to check her BP!!! :angry::angry::angry: Why are the guardians the ones who have to be so informed, when we're not the ones getting paid to be informed?!?!?! STUPID doctors!! They make is impossible to BE the best parent one can be! With every day that passes, I'm getting more and more panicked, as it's actually looking now like she's losing more sight in her better eye, so that means the other retina might also be detaching!! She's been on the BP med. for 2 days now ( and hates the stuff - it's a liquid and while it tastes bland to me, even with some honey first, she still hates the taste for some reason ), and while she's picked up slightly in her energy/interest, her heart rate was terrible, even at rest....unless it's our cheap stethoscope, but I doubt it. Every day that passes with her BP too high is putting more and more stress on all her organs, and I can't stay in a calmer state for more than a couple of minutes at a time. I've already compiled a list of questions so long that I don't even know if we'll have time to get through all of them in her next exam ( on Fri.), and I'm not even finished my research.

Oh gawd, I never wanted to have to be in this kind of state again. I don't even have time now to take care of my own health concerns, as I'm not going to be able to leave her alone for any length of time to go for my own appointments. NO, I WILL NOT leave her if she needs supervision....plus all the things I now have to give her require certain timing and it takes up most of the day and evening, with short intervals in between.

She's also taken to sleeping tucked in my arms for a large part of the night, and while this is wonderful for me, it's also alarming, as this was a sudden change in behaviour and it feels, intuitively, like she's trying to maximize our love-time together....as if she's going to be leaving soon. :(:(:( I just can't stand the thought....NO ONE has ever kissed me like she does, so brimming full of tenderness and passion, all at once. :wub: My girl is an Expert at LOVE, and I don't know how I'll ever live in this cruel and selfish world without that constant to balance all the bad stuff and people.

I'm so glad you're here, to be a cyber-shoulder for me as I fall apart into little pieces over this...( here, all those positive types would take this approach )....challenge/opportunity for growth....yah, right....that's just what it feels like to my breaking heart.

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Maylissa,

I have rarely heard of high blood pressure in cats, or at least it is not common. However, one of my books said that it could indicate thyroid problems. Has your little girl been checked for thyroid problems?

I know how maddening it is to have to do all the work and the vets get all the money! Or any doctor...I have to do all the research for the rest of my family too. It seems like this is getting more and more common in everything. Nobody seems to know their job anymore and yet there they are, getting paid to be incompetent! Arrrgh!

The only peace you can have about losing one of your babies is that you were there for her until the end and she knew that. But don't "give up" yet. Animals have remarkable "hanging in there" qualities. As far as stressing that you won't leave her to take care of your own stuff, I had to almost laugh....you sound JUST like me! In our house, our babies come first, period.

I know how terribly hard this is, honestly. My thoughts are with you and your little girl,

Shell

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Shell, Shell Louise and Spela,

Thank-you, all, for standing by me and letting me know you care what happens to me and my little Nis'. It really helps to know I've got some friends to go to when I'm so shaken up.

I forgot to mention, Shell, that I've had Anitra's book ( and several other ones, including the one our own, distance vet. wrote - Dr. Don Hamilton ) for about 6 yrs. now ( ever since my research journey started, after Sabin's death....too late for him and I to use...sob!...) and I do use parts of her method for sub-cu....but Nissa still hates it and usually won't tolerate it. My husband has to do the needle part, while I just do the 'holding' and stuff. She did for a short period once, a few years ago, but not since, at least so far. However, I'm sure we'll have to try again - I haven't dared yet, since I read something about fluid build-up being a danger with hypertension, and want to find out more before I do anything possibly risky. As for hypertension in cats ( or dogs ), it's actually fairly common with about 6 or 7 diseases, as a secondary disease, not a primary one. Long Beach Animal Hosp. has a pretty good site for research on many diseases ( more than you want to know! ), as does Tanya's CRF feline site ( which would take DAYS AND DAYS to read in its entirety! ). Not all of the info on each is absolutely accurate or complete, but it's still comprehensive. Everytime we've done bloodwork they've checked for hyperthyroidism, and so far there was no sign of it. I've also asked periodically if some of her symptoms could relate to that, but there were always reasons why it wasn't likely. Even though we've only begun with this latest med., I'm already worried because it's known, in humans at least, to increase the risk of heart attack, but the other types are much worse, directly, for the kidneys....and this is always the problem with having to deal with more than one serious disease at the same time....so I'm still going mental with worry, anxiety and frustration.

The other part of this that's so hard is that our girl now has problems both similar to and exactly the same as some of the ones my Mom had, and I've found some of my literature still marked with "for Mom" in the margins, further reminding me of having just gone through this not long ago with her. This of course, only raises the same fears, but more extreme, since my Mom obviously didn't make it for very long...and frankly, her BP wasn't nearly as bad as Nissa's. The only 'up' side in my girl's case, is that I'm more in the driver's seat, unlike with my Mom - but still, the feelings are pretty much the same. I'm not liking these parallels whatsoever, as it makes me think that this is some kind of twisted 'lesson' for me to 'get it right this time', as if it's a chance to 'redeem' myself in my own eyes for not having been able to effectively change the course of events in my Mom's case. It just better NOT be, cuz that would just be some kind of cruel joke.....unless things turn out for the better overall, for BOTH Nissa and myself.

I'm telling you, she's just SO incredibly sweet and loving a girl, you all would fall in love with her if you saw her 'in action'. Everyone who really loves animals and has seen her kissing me...actually gets jealous that their own babies don't do the same with them, the same way! How does one EVER give up something like that?

Edited by Maylissa
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Oh Maylissa, I wish we lived next door to each other! We are so alike about our babies and could certainly use each others shoulders to cry on!

Anitras book is wonderful, isn't it? Have you tried (about giving sub cus) getting a favorite treat (my babes love the meat baby foods...I know, protein is not good for kidney problems, but I've always felt you have to weigh the odds. IF she needs sub cus and it helps, the extra protein is probably ok). Anyway, My mom would sit in front of my baby and feed him baby food on her finger while I sat behind him, with him between my legs, and do the sub cus. It helped to distract him. I also would rub the skin with alcohol first, it's suppose to deaden it slightly.

You know, it's funny, but I know a lot of medical info, just like you, from reading it for my babies. So when my mom or dad or anyone would get something I already had a fair knowledge of it, which always surprised the doctors. And, of course, vise-versa...stuff I read up on for my mom or dad would sometimes then come into play with my babies. It does act as a constant reminder of all the bad stuff, doesn't it?

How does she kiss you?

Shell

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Shell,

Nissa started kissing me right on the mouth after we'd just had her spayed. 'Mom' knew so little then that I'd kept her in her carrier for a few hours after we got her home, cuz she was so wobbly but kept trying to get around....well!...that was because she had to PEE, and since I didn't rush to offer her box to her, she peed all over herself instead! Oh, I was SO ashamed for being so stupid! I tried to clean her up as best I could, w/o going too near her incision and probably didn't do a very good job of it...and yet, once I'd done that, I was still crouching down to stroke her head, she leaned forward, put her tiny paw on my cheek, drew me closer to her face ( had to go where those razor-sharp baby claws took me! ), and kissed me right on the lips!! Remember the old Doris Day flicks when she'd be gazing into Rock Hudson's eyes and they'd use a big, ol' gauzy filter on the camera to make her face seem flawless, serene and soft? Well, that's what Nissa's eyes look like when she's kissing me...they get all soft and dreamy and so full of love it's not funny! It melts my heart into a pool of buttah! So that's when it started, on HER say-so ( and after I'd been so stupid...I couldn't believe her generous spirit! ) From there, she progressed to becoming a real Passion Fruit - sometimes drawing my face in with both of her 'arms', sometimes wrapping them around my neck ( as far as she can anyway - she's always been a tiny girl ), sometimes kneeding my chin while she kisses me, but also sometimes, as we used to call it...almost 'deep throating' me!! :lol: I'm telling you, she's SO passionate, we've always jokingly said that had she not been fixed, she would have had every male cat in the neighborhood ( fixed or not ) chasing her down for some lovin'!! :lol: Anyway, over the years, her kisses have only gotten better, more refined, more creative. Now she can give me the softest, little, 'butterfly' kisses, with just the tip of her tongue ( where there are no 'raspies' ), or a whole session of combination kisses. There have been times when we've kissed for a whole 10 minutes at a time, cuz once we get going, neither one of us wants to stop, it's so loving and delightful! After Sabin died, that very night, she pinned me on the couch while I was bawling my eyes out, and insisted on kissing me to 'sleep'( my girl made it her mission to take care of her Mom's heart ), and that's been our bedtime routine ever since. No sleep before kisses! In fact, sometimes we're so noisy about it that my husband has to leave the room 'til we're done, as we keep waking him up! He's often told us to "get a room!" But he also considers himself blessed just because once, we think by mistake cuz she was drowsy, she kissed him years ago ( only 3 ), and then just last year, he got a few more ( more conscious ) kisses one time, in thanks for his 'scritchies'. Other than that, all those kisses are for only Mom******sigh******. So after Sabin died and she started kissing me many times in a day, I began telling her that we were going for a record "million kisses". One night at bedtime, when she was really getting into it, I started counting, just for fun, and you know, I got something like 260 some-odd kisses, just in that one session!! :wub: I always say the two of us are a pair of kissing foolskies! So yes, me and my gal LOOOOOOVE each other SOOOOO much....and so you can see, giving this ( and much more lovey stuff, too ) up is gonna kill me. When I was young and dating, I was always complimented on how well I kissed....how was I to know that my natural talent was ultimately going to be mainly shared with a furry, little girl whose own talent even superceded mine?! :blink::P Every single kiss Nissa gives me thrills me just as much as her very first one did, and breaks my heart WIDE open. Her love is palpable and I often get a very real sense of soft, pink energy radiating between from her, and from me to her...just like this -> :wub::wub: What will I ever do without that? :(:(

As for the sub-Q, she won't focus on mere food, usually. It's not one of her priorities in life. Even catnip doesn't distract or please her when she's frightened or nervous. I did more reading last night on other people's tips, and wonder if I ought to just leave the house and let my husband try it on his own, as now I'm so nervous about the whole thing ( since her violent reaction at the clinic ), that she'll KNOW it's something 'terrible'. I never use alcohol ( and even our local vet doesn't now, on her, before doing bloodwork; I found out it's not really needed anyway, apparently - and BTW, alcohol doesn't really sterilize anything ), as she, and most cats, hate the smell, and I don't want her ingesting it should she try to lick it off ( would be terrible for the kidneys ). It's not even the needle that bothers her so much, but the feel of the fluid once it starts coming out...and there's no way around that. I DO find using mental pictures, and words, to tell her what to expect, no matter what's going on helps, but doesn't stop her reactions totally. What she really hates is being restrained in any way, and yet if we don't, she'll often either back up onto the needle ( aahhhh! ) or just get up and leave, so she doesn't leave us much to work with! I usually play soothing music, and offer her a treat afterwards (if we've gotten anywhere, that is ), but all she wants to do is hide out for awhile, and never mind any treats...at least until she's calmed down some. Gad....I know there are certain cats that simply won't put up with sub-Q, no matter what, and one has to respect their choice, as the added stress is no good for either kidneys OR high BP, so I don't know if we'll ever be successful. We haven't tried any yet, as I didn't want to stress her more if her BP is already sky-high ( plus she has a very mild heart murmer and her heartrate is higher than it ought to be so far ), so we'll see. They may have to do one in-clinic, once she gets rechecked. I also read something about not giving fluids if they have heart conditions, so I need to check this out more first, too.

I'm still plodding through all the data and articles, there's so much, and getting nowhere fast. Plus I have to keep stopping cuz it's all so dreadful to read about. And yes, I very much like Anitra's book and philosophy, although some of her things didn't work well with Nissa, so it still comes down to individuality. Lord help me, I could NEVER be a vet tech! ( of course, a lot of them, just as many vets do, treat the patient like they were no more than gears and cogs, not living, feeling, thinking and reasoning creatures ) So right now I'm trying to decide whether to call the clinic, as I'm wondering if this drug is either not working, or working TOO well and dropping her BP too much - her energy has NOT been good for the last 2 days, though her rear legs seem to have more strength now, and her appetite has gone up ( probably from the potassium supplement I've been giving ). I also talk to her distance vet this aft., so we'll see what wrench HE throws into the works. I just feel sick with worry most of the time.

Edited by Maylissa
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Oh Maylissa, how cute! She truly loves her mama. One of my babies bites my chin and nose to show his affection! I wish he would kiss instead. Another one rubs noses with me and some of them kiss my hand or arm, but nothing like what your little one does! I hope you are getting this on film!

I wish I had some words of wisdom to make you feel better, but I've been there too many times and know there isn't anything to be said, you just worry, worry, worry.

Hang in there as best you can,

Shell

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Hi Maylissa

Oh Nissa kisses sound so very special, I have never heard of a cat like yours :-))) If Nissa is in CHF then fluids can be a very serious problem.

I am so sorry that all this is going on, and the triggers this brings up for you. Sending you and Nissa healing....Take care, Debbie

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Shell and Debbie,

Yes, my girl is one in a million ( kisses! ). I do have a few pictures of our kissy sessions, and I think we have one piece of video, but the problem is, she usually does this when we're by ourselves ( with no one there to record it ), or at bedtime, of course, when my husband's too tired to record anything. But I'll have to push this, while we still have time. I've also been saving any fur I groom out, plus whatever she pulls out, over the years....I learned this lesson after her brother died as I have so little of his fur. There's even a woman here somewhere who will knit something for you from your baby's fur, if you have enough...something to consider.

I spoke to her distance vet yesterday and did tell him how upset I was because someone ( of the 2 of them ) should have been telling me to get her BP checked much sooner than this. Since he IS a good guy anyway, he did admit and agree that he should have been more alert on this count, although apparently, in the US, having facilities where BP monitors are available has been difficult until just recently, so he also didn't think we'd have them here, either, since we're usually behind the US by a few years. So he didn't even realize our local vet's had one in her own clinic for a few yrs already. As for her heart, the fact that she has only a slight murmer apparently isn't enough of a risk to giving fluids, so that's good.....now the only question will be if Nissa will allow us to administer them - could be dicey. He also reminded me that, especially knowing her as well as we do, quality of life for her really does mean lack of stress, so I'll have to be weighing carefully getting tests done versus the stress this adds for her. Since it often takes her over a day to 'get over' a clinic visit, there may be many life-prolonging things I'll have to forego in favour of her peace of mind. As one animal friend recently said, " Don't forget...it's all about HER, not me as the human." In the final analysis, her kidneys are failing and it's only a matter of time....so much of this will have to do with what my girl already told me in the recent communication I had done with her, that being, there are things that I must deal with that have to do with "completion", acceptance and letting go <sob!>, and I shouldn't look at these things with so much sorrow as with allowing our "love-times" to be as much as they can be. So not only is my girl a sweetie, she's also a very wise being.....much more so than her Mom!

The last few days I've been so heartbroken, since we've already gotten to the point in the last few wks. of seeing our darling girl not really being her usual self in so many ways.....almost as if she's already gone...you know, just like when anyone is ill and we've already lost the old life we'd always known with them. I remember too well how horrid it was, returning home after being out, and not having our 'Bud' waiting at the end of the stairs for us ( having heard the garage door open ), then yowling a "HIIIII! You're BACK! YEAH!" It took me about a year 'til my heart wouldn't be as sunken when I opened the door...and by then, Nissa had taken over this job at least 50% of the time.

However, I've also made it my 'mission' to enjoy as fully as I can muster, every tiny thing she still does that's more normal, and to try to adjust to any unfamiliar changes in some kind of positive way.....all for HER sake. I have to learn to GIVE, GIVE and GIVE some more, even more than my usual, and just forget about my own needs for the most part ( except for writing here when I need to! )...and thankfully, at least this is one area that I'm already quite familiar with. I just need to crank it up a bit. In fact, today I'm going to try to make time for a bigger Reiki session, doing both of us, plus some healing-type visualizations and just BEING...all while she's firmly ensconced in my lap, of course. I'm also starting to read "Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be" by Lama Surya Das that just arrived this week, to see if that will help, too. Meanwhile, if I had my druthers, and if life could accomodate it ( which it can't, unfortunately ), I'd much rather simply spend the ENTIRE day, everyday, in bed with my Nis', just cuddling, snoozing, and of course, kissing...giving nary a thought to illness or crossing over or any other challenge of life.

Edited by Maylissa
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Hi Maylissa,

I learned that lesson too...about saving fur. I also have a jar full of whiskers they have shed, of all my babies over the years. I swear, if I could only take one thing out of my house and had to give everything else away, it would be the fur and whiskers. I've never heard of anyone knitting things out of the fur, WOW! That is so neat. Where did you find her?

Hugs and kisses too you and Nissa,

Shell

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Shell,

Well, we are alike, aren't we? I, too, have a bag full of whiskers, although most of them are now from Nissa, and unfortunately they're hard to tell apart from her brother's cuz his were black ( to match his fur, naturally ) and her's are dark grey, pretty much matching her medium grey fur. Some day I hope to make some kind of artwork from them. I also kept the very last whisker Sabin shed, which I found right next to a strand of my own hair, where he'd been laying behind the headboard the night before he passed -- another piece of just him and me, as it should be. I've also kept the teeth that each had had to have removed in later years -- I was so happy the vet's had saved them for me.

The lady who does the knitting was featured on TV and in the paper once. Unfortunately, I didn't even keep her name I don't think, because I figured I'd never have enough to make anything substantial, since Nissa's so small and never shed as much as her brother.

I do have some better news though....as of yesterday evening, Nissa ate more for her 2 dinners than I've EVER seen her eat ( so odd I was already looking up hyperthyroidism! ), and was also back to yelling some and poking around more, too. Then her vet called late at night ( on her way home from the clinic ) to check on her and told me it takes a few days for these blood pressure meds. to start working and that there can be a mix of 'up and down' while the BP stabilizes, so all I'd seen the last few days ( like dizzyness, etc. )was pretty normal stuff. Yeah! So tomorrow we'll go in and see where her pressure's at now and adjust things as need be. May or may not do a blood test - we'll see how upset she is first. The vet agrees that we shouldn't be over-zealous with tests, as the kidneys are failing anyway, so why over-stress her if we don't have to?

And today....I'm doing a communication with my Mom ( lots on my plate right now, that's for sure ), so we'll see how that goes - I've waited 2 years to do this, to try and bring some 'closure' ( though I hate that word ) to her passing. I had a free reading done by someone I met online who's practising her own mediumship skills, and had at least two very interesting remarks come through, but we'll see if the real 'pro' gets the same thing before I mention it here...wish me luck!

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Hi Shell,

Well, I see you read about my Mom's communication in the Parent forum, but I'll answer your query about Nissa here, since this is where I started this.

We had her 2nd BP test last Fri. and got at least a bit of better news. It had dropped a good 60 points, now down to 220, but it should be at about 150-160 at home ( likely up to 180 in-clinic, for induced stress/fear ), so we've had to 'up' the dose of her meds. some and now have to return for yet another BP test this coming Fri., with her regular vet being away, so I'll have to get the results from a vet I don't know there. However, her one retina looked to maybe be slightly re-attached, so that's good ( although w/o a full reattachment, she'll still be blind in that eye ), but the other eye had a couple of small hemorrhages ( from the high BP ), so that's not good. Then the next day, she ended up vomiting up her meds. along with some older food, only 1/2hr. after getting them, so we lost a day of trtmnt. which isn't good as high BP can return by skipping only one dose of his med. So I don't know where we are right now, BP-wise. We'll also have to return w/i a short time to recheck her bloodwork, and this all stresses her out mightily, so, much like in humans, serious issues near the end of life make what's left of life so incredibly difficult and serve to lessen the quality of that life. I feel so bad for my little girl. She deserves so much better than this, for all the huge love she's given her whole life. She has been feeling a bit more normal at home, though, and has regained some strength in her rear legs, so it must have been mainly the BP that was robbing her of that. And thankfully, she's back to yelling as loudly around here as she usually did, so it sounds more like 'home' again.

I'm still busy trying to read the 3 books I ordered though, to get as much under my belt before I really need the info. ( Final Gifts, Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be, and Grieving Mindfully ) I'd really like to be able to go to a group using the "Grief Recovery Institute Handbook", but now, with the supplements and meds. schedule, I'm even more house-bound than before, so can't afford the travel and session time away from home. But half the time, I'm so drained from all of these issues ( hers, mine, the stuff with my Mom's death ) that I can't bring myself to do much of anything except reading. This isn't acceptance, but resignation, which isn't the same thing at all.

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Maylissa,

Well, it seems she's doing better, so hang in there and keep your hopes up. They have such remarkable powers to hang in that you would be amazed. One of my boy babies (he had so many things wrong it was unbelievable!) stayed with me for three years longer than ANYONE thought, with a very good quality of life. I know how painful this is.

I know what you mean about being so tired that you can only read! Sometimes I can barely do that without falling asleep. Sounds like you have some great reading material (I've read Final Gifts...found it so comforting).

I also know where you are coming from about the constant tests and blood work being so stressful on her. Is there any chance your vet would make a house call? I have found some of my cats react better to a house call and some don't. I was lucky with my boy I mentioned before. One of the vet techs that worked at the clinic would come over and do the blood work. He knew her well (he had a lot of tests done!) and she was so fast at getting blood he hardly knew she had done it. But you do wonder if all the tests are worth the stress on them! You're caught between a rock and a hard place on that!

Hugs and kisses to both of you,

Shell

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Thanks, Spela and Shell, for keeping on checking up on me with this....touches my heart, it does!

No, Shell, our vet only makes house calls for euthansia...and then, only if she's actually in town ( takes WAY too many professional trips, if you ask me! )So we've had to be dragging our poor girl every single week so far, for BP rechecks.....plus 40 minutes there, 40 minutes back, so it's not easy on her, or her Mom! The one last Fri. had her BP actually a few points higher than the week before, despite a slight increase in her meds.....so now I have to give her even more...and she HATES this stuff, so it's a much bigger production than anything else I've ever given her or give her now....sigh....my poor girl. Then, next Fri. we're back yet again, to see, and the following Fri. as well, so her regular vet can see her for herself, and check her eyes, etc. Gawd...when this started even I didn't think it would mean so many trips so soon!

On the plus side, she does seem to have a bit more energy now, and is certainly walking and balancing quite a bit better, so it must have been the high BP that was making her so sick overall. I still feel somewhat guilty for not having put 2 and 2 together much sooner....but am trying not to dwell on that as best I can. At least for now, aside from her multitudinous kisses, she's back to resting her sweet, little, fuzzy lips on mine for a few minutes at a time....it's a real ZEN moment when she does this!....something that had gone by the wayside, too, before. But I still can't help, with every little thing she does that's SO sweet, think, "HOW....HOW am I EVER going to live without THIS!? Without HER!?" Right now, I'm just holding my breath, hoping for another spring and summer with the BEST LITTLE GIRL IN THE WORLD! :wub:

Edited by Maylissa
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