Resentments....is this normal???

[Cheryl J]

As I deal everyday with the grief over the loss of my dad I find myself having a lot of resentments and I hate feeling that way.

My brother....although he lives in another state I have offered to get him a plane ticket to come and stay with Mom awhile to give me a break (mom has dementia).  He doesn't work and has nothing holding him down but he says "he can't...he has things to do".

My mom....she fought me tooth and nail while I cared for Dad over the last two years on what was best for him because she didn't want to spend "her" money.  I had to lie and sneak around with the help of hospice just to get some part time in home care so I could go back to work.

My dad....I can't really resent him at all.  Daddy's little girl but I do sometimes feel myself being upset with him because he left me.

Some times I wonder if I am going crazy.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Cheryl J said:

I do sometimes feel myself being upset with him because he left me.

It's normal to feel this way when we lose someone.  We know with our head they didn't choose to leave us, but our feelings just are what they are, they don't have to make logical sense.    it's all part of grief.

I can understand your resenting your brother.  He's sticking you with the hard stuff while he skates off scott free!  Laura (Clematis) has gone through the same thing with her sisters.  It's tough.  We know with our head that we need to forgive, but that's hard while we're in the thick of it...forgiveness is a process that has a beginning point but it's not necessarily quick and it sure isn't easy.  Forgiveness doesn't mean the offense was right or acceptable either.

You are taking the higher road.  You're taking care of your mom even though she fought you tooth and nail when you took care of your dad.  You're "doing the right thing" and I believe it will come back to bless you...good karma!  

My hats off to you.  You're not going crazy, but this can all make it feel like it!

[Cheryl J]

Thank you!

[Crossmateo]

You have every right to feel that way. Family should stick together and support each other. It is normal to be angry at our loved ones that left us. My best friend swears that making a scrap book of happy memories helps with the grief 

[kayc]

I don't know, I bought all of the scrapbooking stuff to do a scrapbook after my husband passed...it's been eleven years and I still can't do it yet.  I think it's different for everyone, what helps one person can be too painful for the next.  It's important for each of us to explore what is comforting for ourselves as we go through our grief.

[Cheryl J]

I journal some. The hat I have on in my profile picture was my daddy's. He wore it all the time. It was his favorite. I wear it when I'm feeling down. It helps a little. 

[seachelle]

I think in the best of time, resentments arise.  In worse times, they really show their ugly heads.  It's possible that your brother has his reasons for not participating.  If he lives elsewhere and doesn't visit often or communicate with the family much, it may be that he doesn't feel close to the family.  It could also be the case that he is avoiding the painful emotions he would likely experience by coming to visit.  Neither option is an excuse but, unfortunately, some people would rather avoid their loved ones during their final years that be with them to experience the grief.  I don't think you are going crazy at all.  Was your brother present for your dad's memorial?  Perhaps it's time to have a very frank conversation about the fact that your mother's health is declining, if you haven't been super direct already, now is the time.

[Cheryl J]

2 hours ago, seachelle said:

I think in the best of time, resentments arise.  In worse times, they really show their ugly heads.  It's possible that your brother has his reasons for not participating.  If he lives elsewhere and doesn't visit often or communicate with the family much, it may be that he doesn't feel close to the family.  It could also be the case that he is avoiding the painful emotions he would likely experience by coming to visit.  Neither option is an excuse but, unfortunately, some people would rather avoid their loved ones during their final years that be with them to experience the grief.  I don't think you are going crazy at all.  Was your brother present for your dad's memorial?  Perhaps it's time to have a very frank conversation about the fact that your mother's health is declining, if you haven't been super direct already, now is the time.

He was at the service.  We have had very frank conversations about mom.  I don't know, maybe it is me expecting too much.  I think I just get to feeling sorry for myself to have to do this on my own.  And literally....it is just me.  :/

[seachelle]

Well that's too bad.  It is likely something he will come to regret.

[kayc]

I know that happens in families.  There were six of us kids, one was quadriplegic so couldn't do anything.  Of the rest, it was my brother and I dealing with my mom (she had dementia and had to be in a facility).  Two were a couple of hours away, another lives in my town (1 1/2 hours away), my brother lived in my mom's town.  I felt the one in my town could have made an effort and the other two could have done more than visit a couple of times a year.  They knew she was going downhill.  We all kept in close contact by email and phone.

It seems it is something that some just choose to avoid.  I don't regret any time I spent with my mom.  It was hard after working all day to go out of my way to go see her, knowing the snow was falling and piling up and the later I got on my way home the harder the time GETTING home, yet I did it.  I don't regret any of those times.