Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

I accidentally killed a kitten I was fostering.


Siren80

Recommended Posts

I am so heartbroken and guilt ridden right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. 

A little back story, I live in the country and we get feral/dump off cats around here a lot. And me being the huge animal lover that I am will start feeding and taking care of them. We had two mother cats who both had litters this year, so we now have way too many. My plan was to try and good homes for these babies once they were old enough to be weaned. They stay around our back porch. 

These little guys follow around everywhere I go outside including when I go out to the car. Yesterday I went outside to get something from the car for a minute. I knew these kittens were following me and that they like to try to climb into the car when I had the door open, but I guess I just wasn't thinking. Without checking I shut the car door and felt something that prevented it from shutting. I opened it back up and saw one of the 8 week old kittens had climbed up into the doorframe and then fell out. It was such a horrid scene it wobbled around like something was on its head then I noticed its eyeballs had popped out. I picked it up for a second to see if I could do something and that's when it blood started squirting all over me. I laid it down and it starts convulsing and dies.  All I could do was stand there and scream and yell for help. My husband never did get off his ass to go see what was wrong so I had to go back up to the house with blood on me and tell him. 

I can't get the image out of my head now. I so wish I could go back and redo everything but I can't. I should have looked before I shut the damn car door I knew better. I can't help but think I most be some kind of monster.

Even though I wasn't planning on keeping these babies I still was very much attached to them. Their mother ran off when they were only 4 weeks old so I had to hand feed them for a couple of weeks until they they could start eating dry food.  I used some of my families grocery money to by them formula so they wouldn't stave. I gave them shelter from the rain and checked up on them frequently throughout the day.

I was just petting this sweet boy in my arms just like a minute before. It just happened so fast. 

I'm really struggling with all of it right now. It was probably the most traumatic thing I've seen yet. And I'm sorry for the graphic description but you can kind of get the idea of what keeps replaying over and over in my head. 

Will it ever leave my mind? And will I ever stop feeling guilty if I might find myself smiling or laughing? I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry, that must have been very traumatic and horrible to witness and feel.  I hope you will read the thread and links contained below in Just a normal Morning.  The only good thing is I'm sure the kitten had no idea what happened and it went very fast.  Any traumatic injury like that and they go into shock, which is a protective mode and spares them the pain they otherwise might feel.  It would not have attributed the action to your closing the door.
You are obviously a cat lover, one who cares about animals, and I know you would never knowingly cause harm to one of them.  We are not, perfect, however, and I feel I caused the death of my beloved Fluffy, our family dog, 19 years ago.  

You asked if it will ever leave your mind...it will eventually occur to you with less frequency and less pain.  You will still remember it, but it just will lessen its hold on you.  
Feeling guilt is a common feeling in such an instance, we feel responsible for what happens to them.  I hope you will read the links I posted to "Just a Normal Morning", I think they will be helpful to you.

 

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's starting to get a bit less painful when thinking about it but still does hurt nonetheless. I was supposed to protect that kitty form the elements, predators, and injury and I let it down. I can't believe that it happened to me but it did. Wish there was some way I could let it know I didn't mean to hurt it and that I loved it. Knowing that it probably didn't know what was going on and that it went fast does helps a bit, just wish it would have died in a less horrid manner. 

My husband isn't good at sympathy or dealing with other people's emotions in general so I've pretty much just had to deal with this on my own. I have had a couple of friends and my parents tell me they were sorry though.

I did read the links and it's a bit helpful knowing this kind of thing can happen to anyone and I'm not the only one who feels like I do when it does. 

Thank you again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...