My Sweet Ruby

[kayc]

Cindy, it sounds like your visit with your grief counselor was very productive, I'm so glad!

I also love the squirrel story.  Marty, thank you for that link...if my George were here he could have explained that...he was Native American.

[Crossmateo]

I have to go pick up her ashes today and I feel like this is all hitting me hard again. It makes it all seem so final. Im glad that she'll at least be home, but I feel like she died all over again. Did you feel like this at all?

[kayc]

I felt like that when I had to pick up my husband's ashes, it did make it seem real.  You might want to take someone with you and have them drive...I wasn't in any shape to, but then it was 130 mile round trip for me too.

I will be thinking of you today...

[MartyT]

I can assure you, my dear, that this is a normal reaction, and a very common one, because it's a powerful reminder that your precious Princess has died. It's a major confrontation with reality ~ a reality that cannot be denied, even though everything in you wants desperately for all of it not to be true. It may help for you to create a special place in your home ~ a place to honor and remember your Princess ~ where you can place her cremains, along with a photograph, her collar and tags, perhaps a candle ~ anything that reminds you of her.  ♥  

[ckoeppel]

Crossmateo,

Yes, I felt exactly the same way. Please try to have someone drive you. I honestly didn't think it would be as hard as it was because Ruby was coming home, but when I picked her ashes up it was super hard and I cried an ugly cry in front of a waiting room full of people. I am grateful I didn't drive because I clearly was in no shape to. 

When you get home you will feel a little better. Try to remember her ashes are only a fur suit, her sole is in heaven and is with you constantly. Keep talking to her to keep her spirit present. 

I will be thinking about you today. Hugs! ??

Cindy

[ckoeppel]

4 minutes ago, MartyT said:

I can assure you, my dear, that this is a normal reaction, and a very common one, because it's a powerful reminder that your precious Princess has died. It's a major confrontation with reality ~ a reality that cannot be denied, even though everything in you wants desperately for all of it not to be true. It may help for you to create a special place in your home ~ a place to honor and remember your Princess ~ where you can place her cremains, along with a photograph, her collar and tags, perhaps a candle ~ anything that reminds you of her.  ♥  

This is such a wonderful suggestion.

[ckoeppel]

On 9/12/2016 at 7:36 AM, Crossmateo said:

 

Hi! I am just checking to see if you are doing okay after picking up Princess's ashes. I thought about you all day yesterday. 

[Crossmateo]

It went ok, I didnt see all these responses because I didnt see there was a second page. When i got them I was upset and cried then came home to my husband and finally saw him show some emotion over our loss. My 3 year old told me dont cry Princess is in heaven. That was so sweet and made me feel a tad better. I put some in my urn pendant necklace so she is always with me. I am also going to have jewelry made with some ashes. I dont feel comfortable scattering them because I feel like her favorite place to be was with me. Thanks so much for all the support! Hugs to all of you!?

[kayc]

I'm glad it went okay, and maybe by your husband showing some emotion you can feel you're in it together.  That was sweet of your three year old.  I think it's neat that you have a pendant to wear with some of the ashes in it.  I wish I'd realized there were such things before I scattered my husband's ashes, I would have like him with me even if only figurative.  
We have to do what brings us the most comfort!

[Crossmateo]

I honestly would have loved to bury her in my backyard in her favorite spot to lay. Unfortunately it's against our local laws. Plus if I ever move she can come with us. 

[kayc]

Wow!  I've never heard of it being against the law!  I guess I'm glad I live in the country.  I wonder what they're worried about?  Yes, at least she can come with you this way.

[ckoeppel]

20 hours ago, Crossmateo said:

 

I want to share this Facebook group I joined that might help you. It is called "Animal reincarnation - Animals Life Beyond Death: Pet Loss Answers & Hope." It is a group of people that recently lost pets with professionals who help with grief and other stuff. Brent Atwater is the lead. She is quirky but really helps make you understand. She offers podcasts, live question & answer shows, and she has a wonderful series of books. I just ordered one but all of her books are available on Amazon. 

[Crossmateo]

Yes, I live in a city but even the surrounding suburbs dont allow it. Thanks for that I will have to look that up

[Crossmateo]

How are doing? I still think about Princess constantly, talk to her and look at pictures daily. We have surveillance cameras and today the screen from the one on our backyard looked like her face. And it was right where she used to lay. I loved it!

[ckoeppel]

Hi! I am still missing her everyday but I am seeing her spirit everywhere. I am happy you are seeing Princess's spirit, too! It isn't the same as holding them but at least they are with us. Ruby literally follows me from room to room. I have a few photos I can share with you. I feel like I am going crazy seeing her and talking to her, but it gives me peace. As I am sure it is the same for you, my life has changed drastically without her. Take photos of those spirit moments. It is so special we have this because many don't.

[Crossmateo]

I am the same! I literally just told her to come lay on the couch with me. I feel a lot of comfort knowing that there is someone else out there who is going through the same thing. Others may think I am crazy but she is with me all the time!

[kayc]

It's been since June 3 I lost Miss Mocha and I still miss her and think about her.  It's hard to believe she's not coming back.

[Clematis]

I know what you mean about missing them and feeling them around. Pets touch us in vulnerable places and make a mark on our hearts that is like nothing else. Just like people, no new pet can ever replace one that is gone, and some leave a lingering void that never goes away. I don't think my mother ever stopped grieving her dog Beaux and I think they are together now, even though it was about fifty years between their deaths.

My cat Lena is the love of my life, but she doesn't replace Freya, whom I can't honestly say I ever got over, even though I have a much deeper relationship with Lena. Freya disappeared several times, once for 10 days, then for 11 months, and finally for good, right before I was moving. She was kind of wild - or she would have never survived for all those months and ended up living by killing birds at a trailer park nine miles away. The residents, who were feeding the birds, were distressed by the carnage in their front yards and called animal control to pick her up. Fortunately, Freya's tag on her collar had my phone number at work, which was more stable than I at the time. Because I never knew what became of her in the end - 34 years ago, it was harder to accept that she was really gone and I have dreamed of her for years, usually like a Hallmark movie ending where we finally get together and run towards each other in a field of flowers and she leaps into my arms.

I had a dream about Freya last night in which she was living with Lena and me. The three of us walked over to the house of a friend to visit, narrowly avoiding being struck by speeding cars three or four times in the two-block walk. We made it there and my friend said the cats should stay outside because someone had a problem with cats. I didn't want to leave the cats outside where they could be killed by speeding cars, and apparently Lena and Freya agreed, since they just marched in. The dog left to join the husband in another room and Lena stayed near the door to the outside, while my friend and I sat on the couch and talked. There was a little pet bed in front of a sliding door to a closet - too small for the dog. Then I noticed there was a cat that I recognized as "Booger" my good friend's beloved cat, who lived far longer than Freya, but they were born about the same time. They never met in life, but here they were together in my dream, playing some silly kitty game in and out of the cat-bed and the closet. Both would be in the closet, then one in the bed and then switch, as if they were pretending each to turn into the other, Booger the tabby and Freya the tortoiseshell cat kind of blending together. I woke up with Lena lying in my arms.

In some ways Freya has been on my heart all those years. Her disappearance is the reason that every cat I have had since then has lived exclusively indoors and every cat has a collar and name tag. It's dangerous out there, with speeding cars and whatnot. It's not that I have been actively mourning her for over thirty years, but at some level I still miss her and feel her spiritual presence in my life. Some relationships permanently change who we are and the loss of those beloveds also permanently alters us. That some of those relationships are with pets is immaterial.

[kayc]

I got Kitty at age ten and she'd been on her own most of her life as she grew up in a trailer court in Portland, had many litters, and people would take her in and then abandon her when they moved.  This happened to her repeatedly.  My XH, when we were together, adopted her, and then when he moved, he left her there...he went back the next day and she was sitting there looking forlorn and all alone in the empty spot.  He picked her up and drove her to my house, probably her first car ride ever.  I didn't realize at that time that he was ditching both of us, but I am so glad he brought her to me...I promised her a forever home.  I came to know her when she was ten and now she's twenty, and she deserves a retirement home, and that's what she's got with me.  Never again will someone move out and abandon her.  Never again will she have that forlorn look on her face.  She has had to fend for herself all of her life, she deserves to be taken care of and loved.  And she loves it here.

BUT, due to her being on her own all those years, she's used to being able to go outside when she wants.  I do not let her go out at night, and I must admit, I am very nervous about her being outside, especially now that she's older.  If she was young she'd adapt to being an indoor cat, now, it's too late.  As it is, I have to listen to her screeching at the door at night when she decides she wants out, it's enough to drive a person nuts!  We live on a quiet dead end street in the country mountains, so it's completely safe and she's very street savvy, having grown up in Portland on an extremely busy street.  BUT there are predators, mostly at night.  That's what I worry about, I remind her to stay close, she seems to understand me, she's very smart.  They say cats have a huge vocabulary, bigger than dogs, they just don't let on.  The patio is on stilts since I'm on a hill, so predators don't come up on it, it's 34' x 15' so she has a lot of room up there, also on the 40' ramp leading from it.  She loves to watch what's going on out back.  I do worry about losing her, but I also feel I can't restrict her quality of life, particularly at this age, so I do my best to keep an eye on her and thank God I'm retired!  I keep her in when I'm gone.

[Clematis]

On 9/29/2016 at 8:07 AM, kayc said:

... Never again will someone move out and abandon her.  Never again will she have that forlorn look on her face.  She has had to fend for herself all of her life, she deserves to be taken care of and loved.  And she loves it here...

What a sweet story, Kay! I am so glad you shared it -it's one of the nicest kitty stories I've ever heard. This is what happened with my Freya. She drove me crazy howling and carrying on at night when I tried to make her be an inside cat. I felt terribly guilty about having ever let her out when I lost her not much later. But I didn't have much of a choice. She wouldn't tolerate it. I think if I was in that situation now I would at least try doing a leash/harness and going with her outdoors, but that wasn't what she wanted - or needed. She was a mostly wild animal, and that what was part of what I loved most about her. I think many cats can do the leash/harness thing, but not all of them. Not Freya, and probably not Kitty. We fell in love with some wild things, huh?

[kayc]

If you start them out when they're young they can adjust to being indoor cats or walking on a leash, but it's pretty hard when you adopt an older cat that has ingrained ways.  That and Kitty is pretty stubborn!

[Clematis]

'Tis true!

[Crossmateo]

Tonight was so hard for me. I broke down crying was laying on the ground smelling the rug where Princess used to lay. I miss her so much. Earlier my son saw a picture of her was like 'oh I forgot about Princess'. It absolutely crushed me because I think about her constantly. I know hes only 8 and didn't mean it like that, but I am so upset and would give anything to hold her one last time. It has been one month and 2 days since shes been gone I just pray this starts to get better.

[kayc]

Sometimes it seems kids are more adaptable than we are, and while I'm glad for that, it's hard to understand too.  Of course you miss your Princess, a month is just a moment when it comes to adjusting, and yet it's forever when it's the hell that you're in.  Believing we'll be together again...

[Crossmateo]

I know. I am glad that he isn'tsuffering the way I am.  Nobody wants that for their child. One of my biggest fears was how my children would react to the loss of her. I am glad that they have adjusted well but I feel like I'm suffering alone.  I dread the day that I pull out the Christmas decorations and see her stocking. Would it be strange if I still hung it up with ours?