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His grandaunt passed and he let me go


lillian

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I have been dating this guy for about four months and his grandaunt passed a week before my birthday.He called  and told me that things are overwhelming because he just lost two family members about a year ago, and now hes basically losing one of the women that raised him (he was raised by his grandaunt and grandma). Everything was going so well, we were joking around about plans for my birthday the day prior and im just so blindsided by everything. I've tried reaching out and being there for him during this difficult time but he doesn't want to let me in, judging by his social media everything is looking normal he goes to work, goes partying with friends etc im just wondering why he cut me out from all of that when everything was going so good.

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Hi, Lillian.  I'm sorry you're in this situation.  It might be helpful for you to go back and read some of the threads in this section.  

Here is my story:

This is about grief, it's not about you.  This is a normal grief response, although not everyone (thank God) responds in this way.  He doesn't feel he has it in him to contribute to a relationship at the same time as grieving.  His friends, etc. don't require anything from him, that's why he can still continue those relationships.  He also may feel guilty for having spent time with you instead of his grandaunt the last few months, something he can't redo.  It needn't make sense...it's grief, it's feelings, and they don't always have to be logical or rational.  

It will be important to respect his wishes, as that's what he needs right now.  I have read each and every post in this section, and out of all of those threads, I think there was one couple that actually came through their relationship intact.  My own I consider a success because we did evolve as friends, but our engagement was ended with his grief.  You cannot break up and continue as friends unless both of you agree to it and acknowledge that is the extent of the relationship and do not try to change each other.  Otherwise there's a whole lot of pain forthcoming and why torment yourselves?  

I spent months crying, confused, asking "why" and it took quite some time for me to learn what took place, how this could happen.  I, too, was blindsided, I never in my wildest dreams saw this coming.  I will say, however, I would not want to marry someone who could throw me overboard in the blink of an eye, so perhaps this was for the best.  (My late husband never would have responded this way, I was his world and he always had my back.)  I figured if I couldn't pick them better than this, I'd give it up and be content with my dog.  For me, that was the right decision, my dog is loyal and loving.

I hold no bitterness towards Jim, he is responding the way he is wired, it just is what it is.  I consider him a valuable person whose company I enjoy, and worthy of continuing a friendship with.  I am comfortable with him, we can tell each other anything/everything, we trust each other...except I no longer would trust him for a relationship...nor does he trust himself for one.

I do hope you'll do some reading here, I think it will help you understand the situation.  Again, I am truly sorry, believe me, I know how bad this hurts.

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