How do you deal with the thought of losing a spouse?

[Girlonfire]

My husband has terminal brain cancer. How does one prepare emotionally for losing your spouse? I'm scared and devastated. I'm trying to enjoy every moment we have. Take pics and videos. But I know nothing is enough. Thanks. 

[rdownes]

First of all let me say how much I feel for you, I do not know how to prepare for someone to pass away, I definitely think spending as much time as possible to let him know how much you love him and so he can share his love with you and yes pictures you will want, cherish the time you have left. I can say that when he is gone you will cherish the memories not at first but in time, know that once he does leave this earth he will still be in your heart and with you in spirit I know that doesn't seem to help now but it will,my husband passed on May 17, 2016 and sometimes all that gets me through is remembering his love and knowing he never truly left me for right now just cherish what time you do have, we will be here for you and you are not alone.

[Girlonfire]

Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss of your husband. 

[Gin]

Do you have supportive family or friends?  Children?  So hard to know it is coming.  My husband died 11 months ago.  He had lots of problems and died slowly.  I miss him so much.  We are here for you.  

Gin

 

[Margm]

I would not face it.  I was going to have a miracle.  When he turned his beautiful hands up to me in submission to what he knew was going to happen I got angry.  That is all the advice I can give you.  For the rest of my days I will have that guilt.  I know he forgives me.  But you see, I knew they said he was terminal but I would not accept it.  I would not let him talk to me about it.  He talked to our son and he spared me.  I had had two miracles and had lived through them.  I just knew he was not going to die.  It was impossible.  Only, it was not impossible.  I think your writing now shows you are further along than i was.  If I was allowed miracles, then he should have been too.  I am so sorry you are going through this. I wanted to go first.  I should have.  But at some point I should have allowed him time to talk to me.  One time he said "don't you know I see the worry in your eyes."  I told him "no, we are going to have a miracle."  There are some good people on here a lot smarter than I am.  Just love and accept him for as long as you can.  Then, come and talk to us.  I visited my first time at three days afterwards.. We were married 54 years.  I know so many wish for that many years.  I wished for 54 more.  We only knew for five weeks.   

[kevin]

Brain cancer may take a course of its own...make the most of the time you have now. I trust you have a living will or have discussed all of this with your husband....I preach to live in the present, when your time is limited, it is that much more important......my thoughts and prayers...kevin 

[Girlonfire]

Thanks everyone. It's nice to have a forum to get support. We've been married 17 years. He's only 50 years old and I'm 44. This sure isn't fair. I'm not supposed to have a dying spouse at this age. I also hope for a miracle Marg M. It puts me in denial that everything will be fine. Because he looks fine right now. I'm a hospice nurse and I've seen the worst cases of brain cancer. I wish I hadn't. Then I could have some ignorance to the problem. I just wish everyday this wasn't happening to us. But I agree to just live in the moment. That's all I have. Thanks everyone. 

[Margm]

21 minutes ago, Girlonfire said:

I'm a hospice nurse

You are already an angel in my estimation.  My mom just passed away and her hospice nurses were total angels of mercy.  I do not know how to praise you enough, but you my lady are on the highest realm of people.  I am so sorry you have to be ;human.  I do not think hospice nurses are humans.  I think you all are the ones who help us handle the passing of our loved ones.  Mama's hospice nurse gave me a book on grief.  In it the main refrain was that it was okay to be angry with God.  And I was, and am not quite over it yet.  I do have/have had a strong faith that has taken a terrible hit and know that is what I have to find.  You have to try to keep your faith and please never show him the anger for giving up that I did.  I did not know he was leaving, but he did.  I cannot get over my selfish anger, I will always hate that.  But, he loved me, he tried to save me from so much, he literally saved my life twice, but I could not save him once.  I think my angel person that you know more about this than I do already.  And, we are here. 

[MartyT]

46 minutes ago, Girlonfire said:

I'm a hospice nurse and I've seen the worst cases of brain cancer. I wish I hadn't. Then I could have some ignorance to the problem.

Oh my dear one. How my heart hurts for you. Please know that we're all here for you as you prepare for and find your way through whatever lies ahead ~ and I know that you have a better idea than most what that will be like. I hope that when the time comes, your husband's hospice service will acknowledge and support you in your role as a wife and a primary caregiver, and not as your husband's hospice nurse. You need and deserve all the support you can find. I'm so pleased that you found your way here, because we won't let you go through this alone. Here you are among some of the most caring, compassionate people you'll ever come to know.

You may not feel a need for any of these resources right now, but maybe you'll want to bookmark these pages and save them for later, as they contain lots of useful information: Coping with a Cancer Diagnosis: Suggested Resources and Caregiving in Serious Illness: Suggested Resources ♥

[Clematis]

I am so sorry to hear of your going through this. It sounds excruciating. I think the only thing you can do is take it one step at a time, and keep coming back here. All of us here have found tremendous support and comfort in each other as we travel the difficult paths we are on. You aren't alone.

[KATPILOT]

7 hours ago, Marg M said:

You are already an angel in my estimation. 

I could not agree more!  Girlonfire I am so sorry for what you are going through. Words can't even express how sorry I am.  Please take note of what Marty has suggested to read and please stay with us.

[WolfsKat]

1. My heart goes out to you.  Although I've not spoken about it much here....I lost a mate (we never married but 7 years together) to cancer....and, like you, we knew.  At first you pray for a miracle....even when told the prognosis is terminal.  James accepted it with much more grace than I did....I was upset when chemo/radiation was discontinued, at his request....I could not face "giving up".  You really cannot fully prepare, I think.....the others are right, live in the moment, and make them as good as you can.  When the end finally came....I was devastated, but a part of me was thankful that he was free of the torment and pain.  I pray that you will find in you the strength to endure what lies ahead, and that you will have loving support.  Please return here anytime you feel a need......a lot of good people here, who understand better than many!

[kayc]

My XH says his wife has brain cancer, diagnosed shortly after they were married 14 1/2 years ago, it doesn't seem to be progressing very fast, so I guess they're all different.  What do they give for a prognosis, is there anything they can do to treat it?  I also knew someone else who had it when she was in her 20's and she was operated on and lived another 30+ years.  I hope with you that something can be done.
 

I don't think there is any way to prepare from someone you love to die, I mean we try, but there's only so much we can prepare for...when it comes, the finality hits regardless.  Your husband is young like mine was.  I can only tell you that we'll be here for you with whatever you go through, I am so sorry you find yourselves in this situation.  I wish it was not the case.

[Girlonfire]

He has 1-2 years with treatment but that's still just a statistic. But I just hope we can buy a lot of time to have together. Thanks for the support. 

[kayc]

I'm sorry, you had said that, I forgot.  Please forgive my bad memory!  My MIL was given three weeks (cancer) and lived almost three years after that, so I know their predictions aren't always accurate.  Sometimes I think they prefer to predict the worst case scenario and then anything else is better.

I, too, hope you can have more time together.  For all of us who didn't.  We don't wish this on anyone..but, we have learned a lot through this, and we've learned we do survive, and go on to do better than we at first could have imagined.  At first I just didn't see how I could live w/o my George...and really didn't want to.  I think most of us can agree that was our thinking in the beginning but it changed.  We learn to live with their love, because even though their bodies die, our love never does.

You are in my prayers, you and your husband.

[WolfsKat]

14 hours ago, Girlonfire said:

He has 1-2 years with treatment but that's still just a statistic. But I just hope we can buy a lot of time to have together. Thanks for the support. 

Go for any chance they offer.......I'd give 10 years of my life for just one more day with my husband....we were blindsided.  You "know"....and I am sure will make the most of your time together here....I will have you in my prayers, and who knows?  He may beat the stats and have many more years to live & love with you!